My wool may not be as white…

…something…a thought…it has been re-occurring to me over and over again lately and giving me a chuckle. I see these posts online, people complaining about being the “black sheep” of the family and how hard it is. I laugh because it seems pretty pathetic…seems something stupid to complain about. A black sheep is still a sheep nonetheless. So, what’s the problem? And then I’m reminded that, even my wool is not so white…

I remember when I first started taking control…when I first started to understand that I was old enough to pave my own way. To break outside of the mold that my parents had made for me…to break away from that model of a perfect person everyone else expected of me. I won’t say it was liberating…because at first, I too felt the sting at what people consider being the “black sheep” to be. I remember telling people that I was dropping out of college. At least for a year until I could figure myself out. I had hopped into a private school because my parents wanted the best for me…had taken on a major in Psychology because people told me it suited me, that I would be good at it, and go figure, they said I would love the money. But, while psychology was an amazing study, the career did not sit well with me. It was not something I would enjoy. Human Services was no better, it was not for me. And, Music Therapy…I could not see myself ever having a stable career in it. I needed something different, and, because I did not know what…heaven forbid I quit school instead of staying in a place that was going to cost me $32,000 a year and had already put me into $15,000 in debt because they took my grants away.

My Mother and Father were…disappointed. They wanted me to give them my next move, my next plan of action. They wanted me to have my whole future laid out NOW, NOW,NOW! If I wasn’t getting scolded for not working enough hours to pay my own bills (because…you know, I had school to do as well), then I was scolded for dropping out and not having a plan. Not to mention that I was in my first real relationship at the time, and suddenly everything was blamed on this new love interest of mine, how she had turned me into a rebel, how I was probably doing drugs, and was obviously skipping classes for sex. Even my classmates looked down on me for decisions that were of my control and I had good reason for making…but, it was outside of the norm. I was EXPECTED to stay in school. I was EXPECTED to suffer and barely pass…to get a degree I did not even want, OR to switch majors until I found my true calling as if the loans piling up did not even matter. There were no drugs, and yes…I was drinking sometimes, and yes, I would not always go to class…but the grades were average because college was hard. The reason I quit was the debt and knowing that I was burnt out and not even interested in any career path the private school could offer me.

Then suddenly…I was given a choice: Quit my girlfriend and go back to school (take on more hours too), or move out.

This sheep chose to move out.

Moving out was not so bad. Yes, there were times I struggled, there were moments I was still going home to wash some laundry or my Mother and/or Father was bringing me over dinner, or a blanket, or some other random appliance I might need. But, I was free. No longer was I thinking about how much of a failure I was to everyone else…I was thinking about my life, how best to experience it, how best to truly live it. Things were…calm (for the most part). Then, I decided to move to the capital.

It was another bad move I guess…just one more notch on my belt. How dare I consider even for a moment, moving to a new city and starting my life over??? I remember being scolded: “You’ll get raped” , “If your car breaks down, how can I help you?” ,  and even better…”If you move, then don’t bother calling me ever again”. Harsh, right? Why? Because I would be looking for a job, because I would be living with my lover’s Mom…there were so many uncertainties that people just assumed I was better off living in a  black-hole town with no way of ever having a better life until I got some degree. I did not want to work as a Temp the rest of my life, did not want to juggle that with fast-food and taking part-time classes because it’s all I could focus on while trying to pay the bills. I did not want to be ‘stuck’ the rest of my life…did not want to end up just another family member with a list of regrets, with a list of things they wished they could have done and would have done…but they never did because they did not want to take a risk. They did not want to tackle anything that did not have a 100% chance of succeeded. I refused to live that life of fear, refused to hide behind security and live a boring and uneventful life. If I fell down, so what? I would scrape my knees, they would bleed…but ultimately, they would heal and I could try again. So again…I could hear the whispers behind my back at every turn.

I was the girl whom in school had the 3.6 GPA, whom had gotten the scholarships. I was supposed to be going somewhere. But then wait…I was a lesbian, so much for their dreams of me finding a rich husband. So much for their dreams of me being mother to a bazillion children…I could hear them: Oh, I liked video-games? Not normal for a girl like me. I was a Furry? Aren’t they animal fuckers? Again, I had let them down.
And now…now I was the dropout wanting to move away with my fuck buddy to a new city where no one could keep an eye out on me while I lived my life? For shame…

It’s funny. It makes me laugh. I laugh to think that I even cared back then…that these thoughts hurt me or they even broke my heart. I hate that these thoughts even made me angry because why was I supposed to be what everyone else wanted, but, not what I wanted? Every career choice I wanted was not good enough because it never made enough money. Every mistake of every friend and family member was thrust upon me as if I had to suffer their same fate for whatever reason. As if, because they failed at something, I was doomed to fail at it too. the ignorance of it all still astounds me.

I remember finally getting established in Indianapolis and finally people started coming to see me. Family visited, saw how well off I was and they were finally proud of me. they realized they had been wrong…and just knowing that they said they were really happy for me, I took that as “Hey…sorry for being such an asshat.” There were no hard feelings and life was good…until I decided I was moving to Germany. Suddenly all those questions came hitting me again like a truck: “I thought you said you were going back to school?” , “It’s too dangerous, you’re going to get killed!”, “We can’t save you if you move across the Country!”, “Two years is too long…you don’t need to move to Germany, just save up money and visit your woman when you can”.

Some people were supportive…but most people were not. Every day up to the day I left was one more conversation after the next of why I shouldn’t leave, why it was a dumb idea. Experiences and regrets being projected onto me like I too was cursed and if I left, would never make it back alive. again people would whisper…I was once again the odd one, the black sheep, under the spotlight because I was doing something crazy…because I actually wanted to live my life and pave my way on my own. Because I had a choice, I had a voice, and everyone else saw it as blasphemy, saw it as rebellion. It wasn’t rebellion, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make amazing memories. It wasn’t there life to live it was MINE and I was taking control.

So I went to Germany…their voices, their chains could not hold me. Even now I know that had I stayed in the States, I would have regretted it forever, would have hated every moment. And, knowing that I met my wife there…in that place, so far away from all I had ever known. It shows me even more how I made the right choice. That by being what people call the “black sheep” and by leaving with my middle finger up in the fucking air, I was in control of my life, I was in control of my own happiness…I was taken action towards the betterment  of ME, MYSELF, and I…and I was doing something and feeling something that those other people will never know.

Germany was not easy…and while it’s hard to admit, yes, there were places where people ended up right.  I was molested by a stranger that had walked me to my apartment after a late shift…I had been homeless upon first arriving. The person I traveled there for cheated on me numerous times and by the end of it all kicked me off of base not caring what happened to me. I was depressed at times…there were dark places that I was surprised I made it out of alive. But, there was also the beautiful memories. My travels, going to Italy for my birthday. The sports bar, my friends, my Godson…meeting my beautiful wife. Nothing could make me think twice about doing it all over again…

…if given a time machine, there would be nothing I would go back and change in order to try and fix it. Because you know what? My life doesn’t need fixing…I don’t need fixing. And most importantly…I do not need some other person’s approval to be happy and live the life I want and deserve.

Even today when I could not be happier…there are those that tell me to do better, that I deserve better, that I could have more, that I should have come back home. But what do they even know? Do they even know me anymore? And…if they really ‘cared’ about me like they claim, then, wouldn’t they be happy that I’m finally happy? That I’m in a healthy relationship? That I have my own place, that all my bills are paid, that I’m well fed and spoiled? do they even care that this is the life I always dreamed of? why are they so hell bent on trying to pull me like I’m their puppet on a string…why are they so convinced that if I am not living the life that they want for me that I’m not happy?

Yes…I’m going back to school, yes, I already have my career path picked out. But it’s no one’s business to know the when and the how. It’s no one’s business to say that my being a babysitter is not a real job or that I should be doing more. It’s no one’s business to know when my wedding is, or when certain things are happening…or even when I might be coming home for a visit. My life is no one’s business, and no one has room to talk when it comes to the way I am living. Because this body, this life, these experiences…they only belong to me. And what I choose to do with it all is the only thing that matters. The rest is all talk…these labels are just your way of saying that you’re so discontent with yourself that you have to be more discontent with someone else’s life just to feel better. All of that is on you…and it will never weigh me down again.

So…never complain of being the black sheep. Rock that wool, flaunt it. If you’re in control of your own life, your own happiness…if being this black sheep is a result in you taking action and breaking free of the mold someone else made for you…then don’t lament. Be proud. Because you’re not the slave of your fears and insecurities like everyone else…you are unique, you will pave the way to your own happiness…you my friend, your wool may not be as white…but you are FREE.

New Diet to add to things…

So, the gym has been a work-in-progress.
With my partner working extended hours, and then me no longer hvaing  vehicle…at home workouts were working, but eating after the holidays made things a bit challenging.

The workout were making me bulk and not really slim…and most of that was due to my diet. So, was at a party with friends and one of them used to body-build in Korea (while he was deployed there), and needless to say this man was HUGE and knew what he was doing. He gave me a diet that would help me slim down…he warned me ahead of time that I was going to be super hungry, but, at least it would work.

I will admit…I have never had to really diet TOO much…as in, it was a few changes here and there, cutting out soda, eating better bread, not eating so much…and then I was good. But, I don’t have a good metabolism, I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore…I’m getting older, and due to neglect, my body is reflecting that. I am about as heavy as I was a sophomore in high-school…and I hated myself then just as I hate myself now. More or less I am hating myself more because my reflection on myself and how I feel sexy no longer affects just my mentality, but it now affects my partner, my sex drive, things I have not had to worry about until adulthood.

While bulking and building muscle has been nice (I have always love proving my strength and showing how strong I am), if I cannot burn the fat away and slim down a bit, then the building of muscle is only making me…fluffier…and I don’t like it.

So, I’m on this new diet, and have gone to tracking my meals on the S-FIT app I have on my Galaxy phone. It’s nifty, lets me know how many calories I am taking in. It tracks my heart-rate, stress-levels, sleep schedule, water, and walking too. Now that I ended up getting a Garmin VivoFit 2 Watch for Christmas from my Father…that has Bluetooth in it to sync directly to the app, and it tells me how active I am every single day. It’s neat!!!

But for those interested in the diet…I will be posting it up tomorrow or some time this week. I plan to type out a formal sheet since mine is currently just handwritten and tacked to my wall atm.

but mostly it’s chicken, white rice, fruit, eggs, and green veggies.
Not a lot of flavor in my life right now…but it’s working towards a better me. Anyways, until the next blog then…

Major Update: Exercise, Sith, YouTube, New Life+

Wow…it as been awhile, hasn’t it?
I thought that this blog would be full of constant posts about my progress as a Force-Realist, but in reality, there is not too much to report anymore. Don’t get me wrong…I could report any number of things that are not Force-Related as this is supposed to be “my challenge”…a blog about my life and how it has changed. But I guess, because of recent events (recent as of October last year), I have been holding out for that one big post about it all…once everything falls into place, I can let everyone know of the events that transpired and that changed me forever. But, for now, I just have another handful of updates for you.

So first…let me cover “Exercise”:

So…to put it simply: “I got fat”.
Some of it was pure laziness on my part, but then the other part was that while I was in Germany, I was not taking the best care of my body, and when I came back to the USA, it caught up with me. In Germany, I was only eating maybe 1-2 meals a day…and they had little to no substance to them. I would snack on Pizza for 3 days, and eat eggs and zucchini every day but even with that, depression, stress, and being sick all the time was making me lose weight. I did not want to ask my (now ex) lover for help because then she would usually scream at me, saying I was too expensive or that I could not take care of myself…and if her and I were dating at the time, she would then proceed to break up with me…and it was always just a hassle and mess that I did not want.

So now, as mentioned before, I am back in the USA…and with full meals again, eating 3-meals a day and then some…my body blew up like a balloon. My skin stretched…my belly got stretch marks, then my arms, armpits, breasts, legs, and even in my various other pelvic regions. These are things that I have never suffered before (well, except minor belly stretch marks from being an obese teenager). So, while my new life has been happy…and I am now well-taken-care of by an amazing woman that has healed me mentally and otherwise…well, the stretch marks and the weight has had me down. But, it was hard finding the time to fix the issue…between working and then keeping up a household for my partner, it all became too much. And I let myself go a little farther. Well, needless to say, here recently, I quit my job.

They sent me to the hospital because they would not let me go home when I could not breathe and was having severe chest pains.
And when I finally snapped at my partner because I was working every day (went 10 days without a single day off), she told me to quit…and she told me to focus on my career. But, that’s just the thing: “What do I want to do with my life?”

It’s never been as simple as saying I like this field and could be this-or-branch out into-that. Hm…instead, the best way to put it is that I’m good at a lot of things, enjoy a lot of things, and therefore could do a lot of things, and because my options are so open, it’s hindering. I went to college before, and it turned out that Psychology was not my thing, Human Services I disliked even more, and then my Music Therapy classes were going to cost more than what they were worth. Gen Ed was an option sure…but after 3 failed majors I was already $15,000 in debt and decided not to go back to school until I decided what I wanted to do…..

Trying to cut a long-story short, my partner finally did what she thought was best, asked me what all things I wanted to do, threw those options in a hat, and I picked “Police Academy”. This would be good for me because now I was on the path of getting fit…or was going to be. My partner (a soldier and also wanting to better herself), got us a Gym Membership and it was something we could do together. But, going to the Gym would not be enough. To start me off right, my partner got me some things from the GNC to aid me in my transformation.

1. The firming butter is for the stretch marks. I apply it every night after my shower and already I have seen an improvement.
2.  Ultra Mega Green is your basic women’s multivitamin to take in order to boost multiple things like immune system, boost your energy and metabolism the natural way and to fight fat and etc. They generally recommend this at any GNC because if you take diet pills it will sap nutrients from your body. This multi-vitamin taken 2-times a day replenishes what the diet pills might strip you of.
3. Satisfive is a powder added to water and is drank along with meals to keep cravings away. I am hypoglycemic and I get hungry often…even after eating. It’s terrible getting hungry right before bed because hunger turns into pain for me, and then I can’t sleep. But this power made with spinach and other things, turns to gel and wraps around whatever I am eating…causing it to digest just a little slower and makes me feel fuller for longer. So far it works. But I have only been drinking it once a day because it tastes pretty gross and doesn’t mix as well in water as it says. But, you can also mix it with juices, and I want to start doing that once I find the perfect juice that isnt full of sugar and actually has some nutritional benefit to it.
4. The Performix SST Glow for women is my diet pill…has lypowheat in it, gives me an energy boost…and while more expensive, the glow-version has less caffiene as to not give me the severe jitters when taking it. It’s something very similar to what I took back when I was still living in Indianapolis. I know it works, and I trust it…but getting used to it can be hard. The key is to stay hydrated else you feel sick…but I hate water…so that part of it all has been difficult.

All-in-all I know people are going to tell me: “You don’t need that stuff to get fit…” but, everyone is different. Let me do things my way. As long as I am improving and I’m doing it in a way that is not harming me, there should be no problem. Still, I plan to chronicle my journey on here as I make changes in my life. I got the app S-fit on my phone and need to use it more often. Also, my Father got me a Garmin Vivo-fit-2 watch which syncs to said-app and keeps track of different things applying to fitness as well. So I need to do this. I need to get fit and healthy again.

 

Now I can talk about Sithism, YouTube…and Force-Realism in General:

There was a moment where I woke up on morning and I just felt “powerful”. I could not explain it…but I flt that rush of a Sith Lord again. It came after a meditation session in which I saw Ba’al again…in his masculine-demonic form. He roared at me as my “core” burst into flames. I felt alive again, drawn to The Force again. Somehow this lead me to go back to all the Sith Temples I had studied at…and upon seeing them inactive as per usual, I then found myself wandering back to the Sith Academy out of curiosity.

For awhile the Sith Academy had long gone astray from the power they used to hold and to have. They started making sub-religions, sub-cults in which they would hide behind different masks and act like different people. Most took it as role-playing and just grown men trying to make a quick buck…and it was true. They would recruit people into these different cults and act like they were all aligned with one another and that they had some sort of Army. But, at long last they came back around to Sithism, to Sith Academy and the vision of Darth Omega. They built upon their curriculum, made it more strict, tied it more to social media…actually published a book (if you could call it that). And I reached out to them for a free book to see if maybe they finally came around and were once again the power I knew them as.

They were not…
…they continued to disappoint, still seeming as a gimmick for wealth. Immortalized only in how others joked about them and laughed at what they were teaching. For them, Sithism is blindly following two leaders that have no way to attain the goals they set. And so, I decided that, as a Darth…it is my job to set an example. To get my own word out there. Thus, I made a new YouTube Channel under the name “Larken EshBa’al”

This channel based only in Sithism is part of a larger project I call “Force Talk”. As someone who knows both sides of The Force (Light and Dark) and who has dabbled along with people claiming to be Je’daii, I made “Force Talk” to answer questions people might have about Force-Realism or Force-Religions/Lifestyles. But, the project was too big to handle on my own.

Force Talk was shut down not long after I started building it, because, even with a script written…as someone more associated with the Dark side of The Force, I just did not feel right tackling Jedi-Realism and other subjects i might not be as versed in.

So, Force-Talk has changed…and even now I’m trying to find a way for people to help. I want to make a channel where multiple people run it, where multiple people make videos and post about their views. Force-Realism whether it be for the Jedi or for the Sith, each side teaches the way in which The Force may be utilized completely different. Where IJRS is constantly changing and integrated some new technique from some new progressive book somewhere…TOTJO has a christian-Jedi model. Same as OotS holds a more open and passive way of Sithism and selfishness in comparison to the cult which is Sith Academy.

Not only that…but while I am more Sith than Jedi and I am indeed a Darth in my heart, my path is a personal one, and my religion is one I am building on my own and which is tied to the creature named Ba’al which is linked to my soul.

Therefore…in conclusion…

My mind has been here, there, and everywhere.

I feel that since 2016 is coming…and I’m soon to be changing a lot in my life (getting fit, getting married, changing a budget, possibly moving, and etc) that I should get back on this blog and really start chronicling the stuff that has changed and the stuff I have been improving on. I want to see myself get better…and that was the original purpose of this blog anyways.

Still…pictures of my eight will be coming. I am going to start keeping tabs on myself again, what I eat, how and when I work out, and etc. Hopefully see some serious changes soon.

Until the next blog.

Taekwondo was a bust! But, Pilates and Vitamins!

…well, it’s sad to say but the Taekwondo did not work out for me. It’s not that I did not want to do it, but, there were complications. As I mentioned before, they weren’t into individual teaching. Back when I was a kid, we had a Master who then had someone helping to come around and correct the children who were not getting something right. While this dojo was the same, well, the helper more or less stood there and never came over to help anyone unless the Master instructed her to do so, and she was more of a parrot, agreeing with everything the Master said and never making any observations of her own. Another thing I did not like? Well, is it right to say that customer service was an issue?

I paid the money and was supposed to have a uniform. I can understand that they might not have my size right away, but after saying that they were going to order it, almost 2 weeks later they still have not ordered it. I’m all for working out in my own clothes…but that’s more or less in the comfort of my own home. I am around parents and children and I stick out like a sore thumb. My clothes are old, and the gym shorts are the only ones I have. The last thing I need is something ripping when I’m out in public. Still, that was starting to be an issue for me as well was that I was not comfortable in these classes because I could not be uniform with the rest of the class, and, knowing that I was doing thing wrong (because they moved at such a fast pace), they still never stopped to correct me, and eventually, the place looked more like one big joke rather than an actual dojo.

There were no adults there (other than the Masters) so it’s not like I was bound to make any friends or meet anyone struggling like I was. All-in-all, my soul did not resonate with this place, and after awhile, I asked for my money back. It does not help that work cut my hours so badly that I’m not even scheduled for a shift this entire week. I know they have been slow, but no one told me the summers would be this bad. I never got a call back from a  call-service-center that I applied for. They would have given me a solid Mon-Fri job with decent pay, and I was really betting on getting it…another reason why I had to leave.

At this point, money is so tight that I needed the $130.00 for groceries and bills anyways, not to mention that while I am back searching on the job market, I need open availability.  It just was not going to work out this time.

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But, in other news I started my Pilates kit today. The kit comes with 3 DVDs (Beginners, Advanced, and Core workout Pilates), 2 resistance bands, and flash cards of the different Pilates positions for those wanting to create their own routine. I started with the beginners tape which comes with 3 20-minute workouts on it. Needless to say, I’m in such bad shape that I only made it through one of the workouts in full, and then fell out of the second one 10-15 minutes in. I’m just not as flexible as I used to be, and making my legs straight is so hard. Not to mention, I have no strength in my arm, and my build is so heavy that its hard to hold me up.

In order to get more into the mood for fitness, my g/f had the idea of measuring ourselves. We measure our neck, arms, waist, thighs, and calves like they do in the Army. We made a chart for 4 weeks time to see if we are making any progress. for some odd reason, she prefers this method over having a scale in the house like other people. I think we should still be conscious of our weight, but, with her being so skinny, I don’t think she understands its importance like I do.

Still, it’s a good start towards a healthier lifestyle.

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Last thing about being healthy…my girl and I have started taking vitamins every night.
You see, I’m having a problem with stretch marks. I have been heavy in the past, but I never got stretch marks that easily. Now I’m getting them in places I have never gotten them before, and I have been heavier than this with no stretch marks. We blame it on me not being as hydrated, and the climate making my skin more brittle. I have to take up moisturizing and such, and because of this, we have added vitamins to help aid in increasing my skin elasticity again. Not only that but we are taking flaxseed oil, fish oil, and other such things that help our bodies nourish itself. While her vitamins are focused more on her urinary tract and some other things specific to her needs, mine are for digestion and increasing my metabolism.

I have a problem with energy and a constant need to eat…not eating causes me physical pain, and we are wondering if perhaps I might want to have my thyroid checked. Still, these are just small steps towards a better me I suppose. If I can get $50.00, I can finally buy myself another DDR (Dance-Dance-Revolution) set which was how I went from 250 pounds to 160 pounds in a summer. It’s actually fun and something that I know I will use…but it’s the money that is the issue here.

But yeah…woooo for doing something hahaha.

Books of Power and the two Wolves

Here recently I have been trying to get back into meditation…access my core of power, my void, that place within myself that is my mental and emotional sanctuary. As I evolve and grow as a person, so does my void. My void reflects the events of my life, and not only does its appearance change with me, but the way I am portrayed in this place changes as well. When focusing on the Lighter subjects n the spectrum, I find myself often in the woods…walking along a rock path in the midst of Autumn. A small creek runs beside me, leading me down to a veil of willow vines that I push aside to reveal a small patch of grass where a small fire is ever burning…bright orange and welcoming. My spirit Guardian: Ba’al is there in the masculine form…a man that has the head of a water buffalo. He speaks no words and often fills my head of images when I question him about one thing or the other. He holds my hand through things and helps me find my way in a more peaceful manner.
Then there is the silver mirror in this place where Ba’al sits…and when looking through this mirror, I can see the other side of this place which is much darker.
When focusing on subjects of the Dark Nature, when focusing on the harsh realities of things, or just when my scales have tipped more towards the Dark Side, this pleasant, wooded area now becomes a mass of dark thorns. The rock path is still there, the moon is full and the stars are out and shining. The creek still runs though the water is now dark and one can no longer see the bottom, it is black like the abyss. the trees are all dead, and now the vel of willow branches are dead and withered. Pushing them aside is this same place where so often i have sat to discuss things with Ba’al. Here I still see a mirror where I can gaze and see the other side, here the fire burns purple, and here there stands a female Ba’al…unclothed, her body human, naked and exposed. She has a tail, and wears only the water buffalo skull but has a human face. Her teeth are sharp, eyes piercing…she is not so kind this Ba’al…not so kind because she is brutally honest, and not scared to teach someone a lesson.
This is the Ba’al that appears when I have a lesson to learn the hard way because the nicer ways and soft-spoken path has not worked. Here I have oftened battled with this spirit and lost…and upon losing she rps my heart from my chest and then I awake from my slumber or am pushed from my void (if meditating) and it takes me some time before I am mentally able to traverse there again.
Normally I take to the void in a human guise…but with my changes I have now taken a new form…I have taken the form of a wolf. Like my two selves—Miarene (Jedi) and EshBa’al (Sith), there are two wolves to show these sides of Light and Dark.

These new forms were brought about by my accepting my more raw and animal nature, embracing myself as part of the Furry fandom, and setting my inner animal free of its cage. Why is this important? Well, it may not be important…not to you…
But, I have found myself in a bit of a tight spot.
I cannot access my void. Much as I have tried to enter back into that space where I am fully concentrated, the dark thorns have blocked my passage to the place where Ba’al sits. As the red wolf I rip at them with my teeth, but where one finally breaks, three more vines covered in thorns begin to take it’s place…and I make no progress. I have even called on my Lighter self to help me in this battle, called the angel wolf Miarene to aid me in this darker place where she has never padded to try and make a dent in this foreboding, tangled, mess…but nothing. so now I ask you: “What does this mean?”
Even when having gone away from my Path and studies for while, this has never really happened to me. Sure I have been shut out for weeks at a time, but never so many months! I have no contact with my guardian, barely a feeling of their presence near me, and, I wonder how I might turn this around? what can I do to push through? What can I do to aid me and get past this mental-thing (if you could call it mental). I’ve been trying to find answers, but thus far I have gotten nothing.
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Because I have not been able to enter my void, I started buying books to stimulate my mind, get me back into the swing of my religious studies and such. The strange thing is, some of these are magical books, and it seems I have the ability to tell when something holds true power over something that does not. While reading a book the other day talking about runes and spells, I felt the top part of my hand burning. It was hot from the knuckles up, the heat was radiating and flickering about my hand as if it were a flame. I pick up a different book on spells (which was obviously more of a joke) and felt nothing, and then a different book of spells from that and my hand was burning again in the same manner.
I have never noticed this before and wonder when this new thing awoke in me and why I have it in the first place. have been wondering a lot of things lately, and I wonder most hen all the pieces will come together to show me something…whether it be a new Path or something else. But this is all just rambling really…something I just needed to put out there for whatever reason.

Taekwondo Day 1

Yesterday was my first day at Taekwondo.  All day I was nervous because that experience with the Krav Maga was still haunting me. So, normally when you’re doing any sort of martial arts where kids are involved, there are seats so that the parents can stay and watch…and my fear was that I was going to get there, get tired much sooner than the kids, and then have to dip out with the parents judging me for being overweight.

Anyways, I get to the Dojo, and the owner asks me if I would like the try the class before I pay the $130 and commit myself for the 2-month period. I had to think for a minute, but ultimately, I decided to pay him first and commit myself before starting the class. The reason I did this is because I have a problem with excuses. Had  not paid right then, I know I would have done the class, then figured that it was too expensive or that, because my hours were picking up I would not be able to dedicate myself to it…the usual stuff. I knew I would want to escape having to dedicate 45 minutes 2x a week to exercise…so I paid. I paid the money and, knowing that it was g/f who paid for this, I pretty much feel obligated to go. It’s a weird system I have going but hey…it worked, right?

Anyways, they did not have a uniform for me right away like they had promised. I had decided to wear just a small tanktop and workout shorts because I figured I would be slipping a uniform on over it. But no…
sure enough, I got on the floor, bowed to the flag, and before class began I was given a fast run-down of how things worked. As an adult, the woman-master was understanding that there would be things I could not do. She said that most adults coming in here were either out-of-shape (guilty of that one) or they had some limitation due to injury. She said that if there was absolutely something  could not do, then I could excuse myself from the mat and do something else.

I told her that I had an issue with running. She said that I could easily go off the mat and just walk up and down. This was nice because they knew not to push people to the point where they might not be able to do the class. I told her I knew my limits, and while there are other things I would not be able to do (such as the splits and some stretches) I would modify them do I could at least get close.

The class started and already I felt out of place. Here you have this 200-pound woman in a white wife-beater, some black basketball shorts, covered in tattoos with her lip pierced. There were only 4 other kids in the class, and they were indeed children ranging from 10 to 6. I could hear the parents whispering behind me, talking about why I was in that class, and talking about the way that I looked. They also judged me for not running like their kids were doing, and, because I did not have a uniform, I was very much out of place.

I won’t really go into specifics of the class…most of it was work on ‘forms’ for testing on higher belt degrees…but what I will say is that the class was much more fast-paced than any other class I have ever been to. Nothing was really explained. Knowing that I was new, no one bothered showing me the correct way of doing things, leaving me to guess. I had taken Taekwondo before, but, at the same time, there were things I did not know. I feel like the Master focused more heavily on those with the higher belts (especially the blackbelt which I assumed was his son), and when I brought this issue up to the female Master, she assured me that, things would be slower-paced in the future, but that I was coming in during a testing-period for higher belt degrees.  She also mentioned that at any time I could come in early to get help from one of their many blackbelts…or I could pay for a private lesson if I fall behind -_-

Roundhouse kicks…roundhouse kicks are a nightmare for me for multiple reasons. My body is too tense when  try them, my toes curl only for these kicks out of reflex and I don’t know why. Snap kicks—I’m awesome at them. Swoop kicks? No problem. High kicks? watch out because here comes the power!!! But roundhouse kicks…kill me. So, we are in a line doing roundhouse kicks, and again, nothing has been shown to me. I’m watching the kids, trying to figure out how to do this the best way, and I keep hitting the bag with my toes rather than with the top of my foot like I should. Even when they know that I am messing up, they don’t really stop to show me how it’s done, they just tell me to make slight adjustments and hope I do better when my turn comes up again.

What happens? I end up breaking my toe…
I knew it was broken the minute I hit my toe, head the snap, and suddenly my toe felt like it was the size of a big rock. I could hear it crunching every time I took a step. But, I never stopped. I kept kicking…never cried, didn’t say a word. I have broken my toe before, no big deal really…but then came the ‘race’. I guess they occasionally do a timed race for this class where it is ten snap kicks (alternating right to left) on the pads followed by a run to a bag where you have to do 10 roundhouse kicks (also alternating right to left), followed then by a run to another bag where you do 10 kicks with your right leg and then 10 kicks with your left leg.

First we did a practice run…and I took my time just to get a feel for everything.
Best time of that week had been 29 seconds so far and that had been done by a blackbelt. Anyways, I decided to be last in line as to not hold up the others who were more experienced. So, the 10-year-old blackbelt goes and he gets 37 seconds. Then an orange belt goes and she ends up with 40 seconds. Her younger sister gets 38 seconds, followed by a little white belt (the youngest in our group)…and for the first time that evening he actually focuses and gets 33 seconds. Now comes my turns and I’m super nervous because these kids are younger and have all the energy in the world where I do not…
My time in total was 31 seconds. On the first round, I got the BEST time in the class, besting the blackbelt. He went again and ended up getting 29 seconds. I opted out of doing it a second time because, by then my toe was killing me. I was actually pretty proud of myself, and the Master seemed impressed by my time. I don’t know whether it was because I was older, inexperienced, or because I’m heavier than all the other people there…but he was impressed nonetheless…and that made me feel good.

However…my old anxiety is coming back with being verbal in class. They want you to count aloud and scream: “Aiyaaa!” when you do your punches and kicks. Most of my being self-conscious was because I was the only adult there. I couldn’t stand the thought of kids laughing at me, and, because the Master runs through things so quickly, I was often lost and stuck just standing there because I did not know what to do. I’m not a fast-learner with these types of things, and he lets his more experienced students do things on their own because they have memorized things far beyond that of my own level.

I feel it was a bit too impersonal, but, I will give it two-months and see where that gets me.

I also feel like some independent study will be in order too. I know that YouTube has video on techniques, and I think that practicing the forms on my own time could not hurt any.  I go back tomorrow for my second class…hopefully they have a uniform for me so that I don’t feel so out of place and/or self-conscious. But we shall see.

I’m keeping an open mind about this…

P.S= I also have one of the most powerful kicks in the class. I would say it’s because I’m older…but because I played softball and did other suck things, all my power is in my legs. t was funny seeing the bag almost topple over. XD

Starting classes soon? (Taekwondo)

I have not done martial arts in forever.
the last time I tried was when I signed up for 3 classes of Krav Maga, wanting to be stronger. I signed up for a more intense class because I remember Taekwondo being more about forms and defense. I wanted something offensive, something more fierce and more feared. At the time, I felt that something like Taekwondo only made people snicker. But, when I tried to do the Krav Maga classes, even though I was running, and even though I had been working out…it was too physically demanding. I had an asthma attack in the middle of my first class and was being outdone by my 70-year-old instructor. I was embarrassed at how out-of-shape I was—even though I was the healthiest I had been in years!

So…yesterday I was picking up pizza for dinner. My partner was tired and was thus sleeping at home, and while I was out, I noticed a dojo right beside the pizza place. I had this urge to go in, just to see what their prices might be. I knew it would be too expensive, but, something was nagging at me. I remember as a pre-teen that I liked Taekwondo. It made me sweat, I was self-conscious in the uniform, and the kids were a bit snobby in that class, but I liked it.

Every day I was learning something new, learning something that really pushed my limits. I guess somewhere deep down I remember feeling like I was actually GOOD at it in some way. But, while my Dad had signed us up for Taekwondo, what I did NOT realize was that he had signed us up for a cheap ‘trial’ period which would only get us so far. As we progressed, we would get black duct tape on our belts…showing how far away we were from taking the final test to get the next color up. A month or two was long enough to get a yellow belt, but, we never got to take that test. Even today I have a white belt with those three stripes, showing that I was ready to progress…but, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, my Dad would not let me take the test (he would have to buy me an extra month plus pay for the test), I never got my yellow belt, and I never got to do the one thing I always wanted to do the most which was break a board with my hand and/or foot.

Then…i kinda ended up yelling at my Dad in class for embarrassing me and I fought the instructor (literally), knocked him down, and got kicked out.

Either way…those things still haunt me, they still tug at me because I thought of this as an important part of my life. I was getting fat in my pre-teen years, and Taekwondo got me out of the house, got me off my butt, it was the first time (in a long time) that I had a chance to interact with other kids that did not immediately hate me or bully me. So, being pulled from that atmosphere really hurt.

Maybe that’s what drove me to walk inside and ask for the information.
Anyways, the dojo is very small, and I found myself looking at the prices and scoffing because it’s something I cannot afford on my paycheck. I go home with my pizza, papers still in hand, and I tell my partner about what I did, what I found out, and she says: “Good, you should sign up.” I tell her that I don’t have the money but she says,”no, but I do. You should do it now before we have to start tightening the belt on our expenses.” I must have made a face because she said: “Listen, it’s obvious you want to do it, else you would not have gone in there. I know you said that Taekwondo is physically demanding, but you seem like the type that would like that sort of challenge. So why not try it?”

It’s not like it’s that much of a commitment. It’s 30 mins a class 2x a week. I only work 15 hours a week as is and have every other day off. they offer a variety pf class times to fit my needs, so, it’s not like I could not make it. Not to mention it’s right down the road. But, what haunts me is that day at Krav Maga, running in a circle, doing jumping jacks, push-ups, and sit-ups. I just remember my lungs feeling like they were about to burst and I don’t want to be that person in the class that has to stop. The kicks I can do, punches, no problem. Forms? I got this… just as long as they don’t crush me, I should be okay. My other problem? I will mostly be in a class full of children…

Barely any adults do this, and the ones that do signed up for self-defense instead. I’m going to be in the midst of children whom have all the energy in the world and are of a higher degree than I am. So I really have to ask myself if I’m ready for this. But, tomorrow is the deadline for getting the price deal…and honestly, my partner is determined to see me do it. Not to mention that her and I need to get hobbies outside each other so maybe this could be for the best. I am just worried that’s all. It’s very easy for me to feel defeated.

Advice?

[Updates] Exercising, Meditation, and Reading.

This blog has not been used for awhile…I guess I have been waiting for the best time in order to post. I like my things to have more ‘substance’ to them I suppose. I like them to have more meaning than just the basic update saying: “Hey I did this thing…so yeah…that’s all I got.”

Anyways, I’m pretty sure that I mentioned my move to Texas.
My whole life has changed in that I did not return to my home-state. Rather, I met someone and moved to Texas to begin a new life there. I got a job at a movie-theater, and while I may not get very many hours, I’m happy. I am happy with how things have been going. I live in a place where I am comfortable and mostly stress-free. My partner and I never bicker, we share a bunch of the same interests, and it’s nice here. She understands that spiritually her and I are different…but unlike the people I have been with before, she is interested in learning about the way in which I view the world, my practices, and she ‘understands’ rather than just ‘accepting’ the way that I am. It’s nice.

But enough about that…

I have gotten a little hefty since leaving Germany. a lot of it is laziness, but another factor of this has been my eating full meals. In Germany I was lucky enough to have 2 meals a day, and now I eat a full 3 a day and my body has been storing a lot of fat. So, I have started exercising again. But, rather than just focusing on cardio, I actually want to look into weight lifting. My partner says that working out my pecs will help in lifting my breasts (they are way too large and cause issues for my backs. They get stretch marks because they sag and get pulled eveyr which way when I’m not wearing a bra). But yeah…sorry if that was TMI, but, weightlifting is also to help me build power in my arms and help me work out my abs.

My stretch marks have gotten out of control, it’s making me self-conscious, so, it’s time I do something about it rather than sit and feel bad about myself and my body. I was going to do Yoga, but, because I’m looking to lose a lot of weight, I was recommended to do Pilates instead. I did Pilates back in high-school. It was not too strenuous, and I know that it works…so I got myself a kit, and I will be working out with that tomorrow. I also got trimmers for my arms, thighs, and belly. Basically they are just bands that help me cut down on my water weight super quick. I will wear the bands to work and such when I can’t exercise as hard as I would on my day off.
for something more fun, my partner and I bought softball gloves, and I get to teach her how to properly throw and catch a softball (which I think will be really fun). I dunno how this will go, dunno when I’m going to see results. To aid in my diet, my partner bought me a book for women body-builders, and we are going to work together to eat better. She needs to build muscle and tone herself…I need to slim down and tone, so, hopefully we find something that fits both of our needs.

Speaking of books I want to take up reading again…

One day I decided that I need to stimulate my mind more. I used part of my paycheck to pick up some books on Amazon. Bought myself the “Satanic Bible”, the “Necronomicon” (re-buying this and it’s more for giggles and my love of HP Lovecraft), and then I bought “120 Days of Sodom”.
I remember that “120 Days of Sodom” was recommended to me by Mortose. She was one of the darkest people I have ever met…she is the embodiment of cold and evil and she found the book interesting and somewhat “enlightening”. While her and I were like night and day to each other, I learned a lot for her, and to this day, I am very sad that we lost touch. She never judged me on my views, never wagged a finger for me being more Light or Dark, but rather, she understood I had my ways and only tried to open my eyes to new things. In fact, she is one of the few people I know whom I can say actually held “true power” when it came to “The Force”. Still, while I could never be her apprentice, the things she said still stick to me, the lessons she tried to teach me still swirl in my head from time-to-time, and now, reading this book, maybe I too will find something worth blogging about and adding to my many writings as something of a lesson.

The Satanic Bible is more for my religious studies. I have read it once before, but, that was a PDF and I really hate reading things on my computer screen. It’s much more satisfying to have a book in my hand and to be flipping pages.

So lastly…going to lessons, I have started on Meditation 101 at IJRS.
I’m still trying to do courses, and while they are going very slowly, I am doing them nonetheless. While I had already started on Spirituality, that requires me to watch the Star Wars movies, and I not only have lost interest (for now), I won’t be watching the movies again until closer to the release of the new movie coming out this year. Also, meditation is something I already practice. So it makes more sense.

My meditation techniques have become ‘rusty’ to say the least.
Changes in my life have changed my core, changed my ‘Void’. No longer do I enter the dark side of my void in dark robes and makeup…now when I enter, I enter in the form of a red wolf.

This red wolf’s path is blocked by giant vines lined with thorns…and no matter how I might try to tear through them, where one breaks, three more vines take over. the wolf itself is myself as “EshBa’al” thus the horns, and the chains around her connect in her chest where her heart is. The black spots on the wolf are my flaws and imperfections that I wear proudly, the scars are from obstacles I had to overcome in my spiritual journey. The white pattern on the face is a skull, representation of worship of the creature which is bound to my soul…my spirit-guardian Ba’al.

This change in form comes as I have finally become open about being a Furry. It was something I hid while I was with Taz because she thought it was ‘weird’ and yet, she, like so many others placed the Furry Fandom as something more ‘perverted’. She thought that furries were freaks that dressed in animal suits to commit sexual acts and that’s not how it is. But, she was never one to try and understand and once she had an idea of something, it just stuck.

But, with this new relationship, I am now able to break free. I am able to be myself…and I can finally free the beast inside…so my void reflects that and shows what I consider my true dark-side form.

But, as I mentioned, I have been blocked by my void, so, I’m hoping what I learn in Meditation 101 can help me overcome this. I blame it on a lack of concentration, I also don’t have my beads which aided me so often before (I think they got lost in my household goods somewhere).

I already finished the intro and will be doing at least the next part some time this week. Hopefully the instructor checks their page often enough that I can know when to move on with the next lesson.

But, that’s all the updates I have for now…
Hopefully I will have more to write about soon.

What did this meditation mean?

Recently I decided to ask for guided meditations which would help me better communicate my questions via The Force…I wanted to see if I could grasp some answers from the Universe and because I have been ill and rather distracted due to other things, I thought that a guided meditation would suit me better (for the moment) until I am at my 100% again.

Well, the Jedi-Church group provided me then with a “Body Scan” meditation which was supposed to help me with these issues I suppose. I started playing the file, and I cannot describe to you what happened.

Rather than heading to my void as I normally do, I was lost in a great black space. I found myself just floating in this empty area, I really felt nothing, and when I could feel my body again…I was spinning. But not like a bottle spinning on the floor, no. I was spinning as if I was a hatchet that had just been thrown across the room…I found myself crashing over and over through oozing walls of something, and the only word my brain could come up with was “membrane”. So, after crashing through this Membrane over and over again…there came a moment where I could finally feel myself floating again, only this time, I found that the great black space was now full of water, and I was gently floating on its surface.

I followed the steps, but instead of breathing light, I found myself breathing out fire and smoke…little embers came forth from my nostrils and sizzled as they hit the water. The room had grown lighter now to a cream color as I started to feel a pain in my feet like I had never felt before. Suddenly there were roots wrapping themselves over my toes…not vines, but actual tree roots that were growing bigger by the second, locking me into place. They were not only pinching my feet, but felt like they were melding with them and trying to become one. I tried to hold out as long as I could, to stay in this place to figure out what was going on…but, I feel like my mind’s defense mechanism kicked in and I got whisked away somewhere else. My mind got distracted, and in the end, I had to stop the meditation a mere 15 minutes in (even though it already felt like it had been an eternity).

I plan on trying this meditation again to see what happens…but I’m wondering what this experience means (if anything). I have never had this happen to me during a meditation before.

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UPDATES:

In other news…considering that I have finally finished Creed 101 at IJRS and have started working on other classes elsewhere, I have decided that once I have finished the final tidbits of resource assignments that it might be wise to start thinking about doing the Sith Trials at OotS (Order of the Sith). Since I have no Master and have basically claimed the Darth title on many other sites, I feel that I would do good with the brush-up, and the formal trials might be a way to progress myself even further down the Dark Side Path.
Already I have started working on a Holocron which I will be posting on OotS and a Separate wordpress account and I just feel that it is time that I stop being the wandering observer and take some sort of action to be something greater than what I already think that I am.

With that being said, I want to also take next week to start working towards my courses in TOTJO. I have put this off for years because it takes so much time and dedication and I still question the community there and how they teach things. Either way, I signed up there and feel like I should do what I set out to do and continue working towards Jedi-Knighthood whether I consider myself more Sithian or not.

But that’s all I have going on right now. I’m still in Germany and will be back in the USA by the end of April (if that little tidbit was of importance to anyone).

MTFBWY

Seeing Strange Lights /General Update

Here lately I have been seeing strange lights. Not like a UFO or anything of that manner…but every time I look at a person, I can see light lifting off of their shoulders, and sometimes when I am moving around in a darkened space, I see light flitting about the room. It’s not completely uncommon for me to be able to see the energy output on someone. This is something I have been able to do since I was very young. But, to start seeing it more as a constant thing…I can’t say this it’s unnerving…but for me, this will take some getting used to.
As for the lights that travel beside me and around me when I get up to walk around at night. Those are things that I still cannot explain.

So, General Update time…

Since I left Taz, I have been trying to get my life back on track. I have gotten back on the self-help Forums I was on before and have updated all of my goals to fit my current situation. I have started working on my Force-Assignments again, and will soon be finished with Creed101 so that I might move on with meditation or something along those lines. I have also started blogging a lot more and taking more ‘me’ time to relax and let my body heal from the damage it suffered while Taz and I were having our fallout.

I guess I never noticed how negatively she was affecting my personal journey until I went back and read through ll my assignments. Nowadays I want to be able to focus more on my journey as something separate from my love life, even though I know that the two will collide from time-to-time.

As mentioned before, I have started blogging more and have various blogs that cover various different hobbies of mine. I still want to do my Travel blog, but right now I’m focusing more on my tattoo blog as well as my gaming blog which has always been my main focus and passion.

Hm…I was also finally given the permission to make a ‘Holocron’ via “Order of the Sith”. I was originally told that only those that were considered ‘Darths’ on OotS were allowed to make Holocrons, and now that I have the permissions to do so, I only wonder what I might put there. While a Holocron has been under construction for some time now, I’m wondering if my format is appropriate.

Outside of Force-Realism…I am still in Germany at the moment. I will be here for another month before I return to Indiana. the goal is to stay in Indiana for about 3-6 months before possibly making my way over to Texas to be with my new partner while she finishes out her time in the Army. All of this will happen if she does NOT get deployed first. I’m ready to start over fresh and Indiana is the place where I grew up, but not the place where I want to stay. As always, my goal is to find a good and steady job to hold me over while I figure out what I wish to do with my life (career-wise). My time spent in Germany and babysitting has not only strengthened my dream of one day being married to that one person that holds my heart, BUT, it has also shown me that what I want more than anything else is to be a Mother.

There really is not much else to say.
more Creed posts are coming soon and hopefully some meditation as well. Just figured I would put a post out there to let people know that I am indeed still alive and pushing forward.