Archive for July, 2013

TotSO is gone?

Posted: July 30, 2013 in SITH-Related

It has been a long while since I posted anything Sith-related.
This is because my time spent at TOTSO was always few and far in-between because I struggled with things I should post, what I should contribute, that and we were still waiting for the Council of 9 to assemble before the site was really going to show its true colors and etc.

The project itself held much potential…and the people we had working on the training (Acanthos and Venger)…well, you just could not go wrong there 🙂
But, today I tried to go there to post something about my recent exercises and perhaps a tad on the “Empty Force”, and I ended up on some hosting site saying that TOTSO could not be found.

It’s so depressing…

Granted, it’s not as if there are not other places I could go. But I feel as though I lost many valuable resources via TOTSO. Endarkenment of Pain, Endarkenment of Death, some bits and pieces of Sithism in Existentialism…all of this was something I should have saved and looked more into rather than wait until everything came together. It’s my fault…I assumed the best and played the lazy part when I should have been actively keeping up with both Light and Dark aspects of things. I’m still face-palming myself for this one.

I don’t know. I’m still trying to find myself when it comes to being Sith. As a light-Sith, I have much to learn, much to discover, and thus I will have much to teach others later in life via my own trial and error. Anyways…it’s nothing huge, but again I have lost a grand title, but before that title, we lost a great Sith Temple, and it truly saddens me. *sigh*

That is all for now.


Exercise update #2

Posted: July 19, 2013 in Diet & Exercise
Tags: , ,

So today I woke up rather stiff. I was not necessarily sore until I had to grocery shopping and then had to run down 5 blocks of stairs and walk a good distance to get to the store.
I think trucking back with my backpack full of stuff was the worst with the weight and the blazing heat -_-

Still…I got home, treated myself to a salad for lunch with some bubble tea. Then after a brief rest period and time enough to clean the flat, I tried the Preparation Drill again today.

I must say that I am pretty proud of myself. Despite the soreness, I completed 5 Reps (5 counts of 4) on each of the exercises listed EXCEPT the high-jumper ( I opted out of this one since there are people living below me). So today I completed:

—bend & reach
—-rear lunge
—-squat bender
—-forward lunge
—-prone row
—bent leg body twist

BUT I barely managed a single push-up versus my 3 from yesterday which was a bit disappointing.
I think I will end the day with some stretching tonight and maybe some guided meditation.

It can only get better from here, right?

So I decided that I should probably keep a log that is categorized under “Diet and Exercise” so that I can keep track of all the different things that I am doing in order to get into shape and start training my body.

Well, when Taz was training for the Army, they gave her a book full of all the different PT exercises that they use in order to train the soldiers in different areas like core, shoulder & hop stability, agility, and etc.
Because Taz felt really alone in her endeavor, I used to go with her to the Gym where we would seclude ourselves in one of the areas not being used (usually one of the Yoga rooms or something) and we would work through the book together. Well, I forgot to bring the book with me to Germany, but iOS apps are an amazing thing 🙂

I managed to find the complete book with an optional video instruction in case you’re not sure what something looks like. I’m thinking that I will use this to start my workout routine, creating my own balance of workouts as well as mixing in some Yoga and meditation (with my extra training given to me by Shawn Frix).

Anyways…here is what I accomplished today:


This is my: “Exercise sucks. Why am I doing this again?!” Face.

So today I did 5 reps (5 counts of 4) of:

—Bend & Reach
—Rear Lunge
—High Jumper
—Squat Bender

I also managed 3 semi-push-ups which was a lot better than what I thought I could do.
Later tonight I will finish the preparation drill (forward lunge, prone row, bent leg body twist, and hopefully some more push-ups). How do you think I did?!


I think my main problem is that I do not want to cause injury.
I remember that when I was working out with Taz that I was always pushing myself too hard. She has always been in better shape than me, but she would get angry when I could not keep up or could not do as many things as her (like with running exercises or etc).
Sometimes she felt like I was holding her back or even that I was being lazy, but, what it came down to was that she was on a higher level of fitness than I was, and my body is very different from hers, so I have different limits and different needs.

Still, when I was working out with her, I was always pulling muscles, giving myself serious chest pain and etc…almost to the point of passing out because I would push myself on-and-on even when my muscles were screaming to stop. Today I got to the point where my legs were so wobbly, I could not even complete the first forward lunge, and that’s when I knew it was time for a break.

Again, I want to mix these things with some Yoga and different stretches and meditations for cool-down. I think that this will be a wonderful thing if I can keep it up.

Please wish me luck!!!

I think one of the things that tends to scare me most is the fact that I have no idea where I am going in life. A part of me knows where I want to be in the end (financially stable with a house and enough money in order to raise a child), but it’s just the matter of getting there.

I went to College for about 2 years, switching between 2 different double majors (Psychology/Human Services , Music Therapy/Human Services), but really, in the end, I had only picked these professions because my parents said the money would be good, I could do private practice and then get rid of my school loans. But, these choices in majors and these paths just did not feel right…they did not make me happy.
So, I ended up abandoning College to try and take some time to figure myself out. I went back to College for a short time to try and get my General Education, but stopped that due to my move from Terre Haute to Indianapolis. Once in Indianapolis I took another class for Human Services (paying out of pocket) which was just a waste of time and a waste of money because, again, this was not something that was making me happy.

Now at the age of 22 and $12,000 dollars of debt later, I am starting to get really anxious about my future. I know that I need to do something with my life, that I need a direction, but, I’m just not sure what direction that I want to go in.

I know that when it comes to school that my passion is in Radio. Radio was something I grew up with, it’s something that I love to do, and I feel like with enough work, I could be a really talented entertainer like my Father.
But, my Father always discouraged me from following in his footsteps because Radio does not make a lot of money. But, I feel like money is not an issue as long as passion is involved, as long as you are happy with the work you are doing. Besides…with a partner by my side in a  strong committed relationship, hopefully I would not have to bring in loads of money because I would have someone to split the bills, and we could budget our earnings equally.

I was also thinking about doing a second major (or even minor) in Journalism. This would be great really because, I love to write. What I would really like to do is write columns for things that I enjoy—such as doing gaming magazines, articles on Airsoft, or even doing columns on alternative religions and left-handed spirituality—things that interest me, things I can be passionate about and not hold back on.

Alright…so I’m thinking that I have school figured out. But what about after that? How am I going to get back to school? where am I going to live? how am I going to earn money to continue paying off my loans while I go back to school? what about the loans I will accumulate as I go back to school? How long will those take to pay off? How will I manage that if I want a house and kids?
I know people in their 50’s and 60’s still paying off school loans. But really, that’s not how I want to be. I know that going to school for free is basically out of the question, and while grant money is available, it never is much. I could work at Amazon part-time while I go to school, but doing that, I would only be able to go to school part-time and it would take me longer to get my degree that way. Also, working would hinder my studying methinks…I’m not the type that can function under physical exhaustion, and working at Amazon (let alone any warehouse) is anything but a piece of cake :/

…I mean, I could move back in with my Mother for a time, got to ISU, get my Dad’s allumni grant/scholarship, and begin my degree in radio and journalism. But even then I would need some sort of money for gas, to help with food, to help my Mom with bills, and for things like a phone, car insurance, and then to keep paying off my loans.
That would place me at SonyDADC (warehouse where I got fired because thy messed up my clock-in-times) where hours are not guaranteed and you barely work a solid 20 hours per 3 days.

….then I have my other options.


As I have mentioned before, I am all about glory and honor. I always felt as though I had so much more to offer the world if only I was given the opportunity. I have often mentioned how I envy Taz (my partner) as a Soldier, because, she is doing something that I was never able to accomplish. I was going to join the military and then made up a bunch of excuses of why I could not go.
Granted…a know a part of it was my family looking down on my decision to join, and I know part of it did have to do with depression (my ex-fiance leaving me and me being a typical high-schooler and thinking it was the end of the world and that I might die from heartbreak)…but even then, I know that a majority of it was just a handful of excuses. I did not want to do the exercise to go // I wasn’t losing the weight as quickly as I wanted // I felt alone in the journey to better myself physically and mentally // I was worried about failure // the thought of being away from my comfort zone (being my Mom’s house and my room in general) at that time scared me…and lastly, I felt like I did not have the resources to do this thing, to go military, being out in the boonies with no car or anything, I felt like I was not going to be prepared enough to go and do what I had to do.

Then I met Taz, and she was going AirForce…and I hated it because she was doing those things that I had refused to do. She was doing the exercises, losing the weight…she was accomplishing something. When she quit the AirForce, I felt better because she too had dropped out of it because she felt like she had found something that offered her more (I felt that College could offer me more than the military…and my college of choice ended up being a joke really). I felt better…much better.
But then, she went Army. She went Active Duty, she completed BMT and AIT…sure she hates the military and all its bullshit, but she gets to wear the uniform, she really accomplished something, and whether or not she sees it, I do. I know how much of an honor it must be to be a soldier. To have people constantly thanking you for your service, even if you do the smallest of tasks.

you have a system that keeps you on track of life, keeps you fit physically and mentally. You have something always there to help you and support you…you have a bond, a brotherhood, and such a close friendship with those who completed the same trials as you…its absurd. And I envy it.
I went to an all-girls college for the sisterhood…and I was the odd one out. I joined groups in school for that bond and brotherhood…and I was the odd one out. But in the military it’s different. Doesnt matter who you are…your company is your family, your battle-buddies are a  reflection of yourself and they always come first.

Wow…this has turned into a rant about jealousy. lol.

What I’m getting to is…
One of my friends bought up being in the National Guard. Cut-off age for the Guard is 35 and with me being back in the States within 2-3 years, he basically said this would be the perfect opportunity to get into shape, lose the weight, and do what I never got to do before.
Then I could lose my jealousy, then I would have a job while I went to school. Then my loan problems would not be as big of a deal because of the GI Bill and other such things. So it really has me thinking…what should I do?

Already I find myself making excuses over this because the firs thing I thought of when he mentioned the Guard…the first thing I thought of was how it was going to affect my relationship. Say that Taz and I are together again for the time being, but we are not married…while her and I may have made it through her BMT and AIT, it was not without struggles.
Plus, with a lot of bad influences (meaning friends of hers that I consider sleezy liars and I hate them) living so close to her while I’m gone, well, I’m not really painting a really pretty picture in my head, you know? Same with AIT. Sure there will be more connection (being able to use phones and the computer), but it would still be complicated, especially if she chose not to come and visit me.

Still…the feeling of accomplishment, to be a part of something important, to better myself physically and mentally, to serve my country, to help myself with my education, to be able to stay home and get paid for training without the constant struggle of trying to do school and warehouse work…to finally be proud of myself and be able to lose the regret. Is that better than love? Should that stand over love?
Love is my true weakness if anything…that and low self-esteem. But seriously…am I giving up a good thing because I fear losing love and fear losing Taz? Should it not matter to lose her if it means I can still have a rich future and a better life?

Naturally I still feel failure if I try this thing. I’m scared of heights, can’t do a pull-up (never have been able to) // I don’t know how to climb a rope (which is terrible too)—I might get deployed even as someone in the Guard (which again would relate to distance and stress). But I need an unbiased opinion on this one: I am interested in the Guard. I am interested in going military if I can get as physically fit as I want to be.
But…I also love Taz. Granted, if we do not get back together then there should be nothing holding me back from doing this thing, but, if we do get back together and maybe get married, then what? Would YOU personally (if you were in my shoes) go for the dream and not worry about the love // would you choose having the better future over the cloudy one full of loans and complications? Or would you choose loving someone and not risking losing them?

My last option (of course) is Police Academy.
This is something I have also been interested in, and I was training really hard for it before Taz mentioned that she was moving to Germany. On a treadmill I was able to run a little over a mile and half (I know treadmills are different from actual running, but you have to know that this was a huge accomplishment for me), and I was doing push-ups every day and got up to a good 15 before I left for Germany (now I’m lucky if I can do 5).

Police Academy would also offer the accomplishment, I would get to stay home, I would get education benefits later, I would get a job on the Police Force, but I would always be away from home because being part of the Police is a very demanding job (my Uncle is part of the Force, so I know).

So yeah….ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!

In every story there is a Hero and there is a Villain, and this is portrayed as a battle between the Light and the Dark. In the Star Wars Universe, you have the Jedi which symbolize religious morality, a code of honor, and righteousness in their goal to create Peace within the Galaxy; and then you have the Sith, the Dark Side of The Force—ruthless, murderous, greedy, powerful, ambitious, sneaky, and all things that one would frown upon as vile traits…typical in a Villain set about the rule the world and beyond.

…but, this is NOT a story, this is NOT a movie, and the Light versus Dark concept is a lot different when it comes to true reality, ESPECIALLY when Religion is involved.

Recently I was asked to make a list of things that the Light Side (Jedi-Realism) does not provide for me based on my current understanding of things…this is a lot harder than what one would think because it’s not really something I know how to put into words. So, throughout this essay, I hope to make my point…but for now, lets go back to the discussion of Religion.

From my days of being a Wiccan, I have taken with me the belief that Religion is like a diamond. In this diamond there are thousands upon thousands of different facets, and each facet is a different divination of belief that makes a singular whole, a singular source—so all of these beliefs come together to reveal then the Ultimate Truth, The Force, and/or The Divine.

So…as something that is a singular part of a whole, no religion to me is good or bad (in this case light or dark) and while parts of a religion may be questionable, shady, and downright wrong, there is still knowledge to be gained from these different beliefs—still good things we can pull from these different set of codes and rules to become enlightened and/or endarkened.

Religion to me is something that should be flexible…non-judgmental // offering up knowledge meant to expand the mind and encourage it to go looking for other truths, not entangling it in a web so that it is just stuck in a set of rules and other bindings.
I believe that Religions should make their opposing forces known, not hated, not shamed, not looked down upon or warned against // just offer a completion of resources to those who would wonder about the ‘other ways’ of their faith, and offer these things without the use of misconceptions and bias.

While this is what I believe should be happening, alas, I find that many (if not all religions) come up short in this area.

So lets skip back now to my ways as a Shadow Jedi and being the “monkey in the middle”…

I chose the Neutral Path because I personally believe that neither the Light nor the Dark is where my personal truth is. I take with me the things I see and feel to be right in the Dark Side, and then I take with me those traits and things I believe to be right in the Light Side, and with those resources I create a world, a system, a set of rules, I create a Path in which feels comfortable for me to walk.

The reason being is because of this:
In theology I learned of the 3 different planes of existence. There is the mortal plane (lower plane) where the humans dwell and worship their Gods and send prayers, then there is that top plane where the Gods dwell, and in these separate worlds there is a middle plane in which connects the lower and the upper planes, the prayers bring Gods to man and bring man closer to God // this where true enlightenment and spirituality is said to happen—this is the plane where faith is supposed to make sense and assure mankind of its creators and beyond (this is also where miracles happen and etc).

Other than those 3 planes of existence, we also see three different phases of being. We have that lower area being our mortality and limitation, we then have our top layer being  total spiritual absorption or what I consider to be “blind faith”, and then we have that middle state of being which is that heightened sense—the place where we have that higher sense of spirituality, but we are still grounded and connected to our reality. It keeps us aware, it keeps us alert and intact with our human side and instincts, it allows us to still reason beyond faith and to look for other truths where necessary, and it keeps us in this state in which we ever seek knowledge to feed our hunger for it…this is what I consider to be the purest state, the best state, and the true state of enlightenment and mastery of Force-using and Communication.

Another fun set of 3 in which I compare myself is thus:

The Jedi = The Optomist
The glass is half full and there is more there than what you might be giving credit for. Have faith and be thankful because this is more than enough to quench your thirst.

The Sith = The Pessimist
The glass is half empty and use your last drops sparingly. It is a long ways yet out of this battle, out of this desert, and you will want to savor every last drop because once it is gone, it is gone forever and your throat will get mighty dry after this conflict.

Shadow Aspect = The realist
The glass is neither half empty nor half full, it just is. If you drink it, go get more if you find that you are still thirsty, problem solved.


What it all starts to boils down to is this…there is a huge misconception when it comes to the Dark Side // It is NOT evil! Sith Academy was a poor example of true Sithism is and what true Siths believe. They were stuck in a system of Greed and empowerment via verbal abuse…they held no real ideology, they just wanted money and control over a bunch of compliant twats to do their stupid bidding as if their ‘online missions’ really affected anything and helped them towards a new Empire.

True Sithism is not very different from Jedi-Realism…it is about gaining knowledge, it is about meditating and becoming closer to The Force, communicating with The Force, and bettering yourself via The Force.
the only things separating the Dark from the Light are some beliefs which make it just like the pessimist and optimist. Sith are more grounded…they are down to Earth and focused on the happenings of the world at war. They see the conflicts everywhere and want to be powerful enough to withstand these conflicts as they come in waves. They want to gain power to rise above the conflicts and protect what is rightfully theirs and take what cannot be defended by others to strengthen that too.
I do not believe in all that is considered Sithism. I could care less about conquering the world or building a huge Empire to make ourselves stand out as a true power like Imperius does…I do not want a target painted on my forehead. Not thanks.
But then again, there are the things that DO speak to me when it comes to Sithism…such as “Peace is a lie”.

Peace is a lie…I consider it a false hope and a fleeting dream. I consider it impossible same as perfection is not obtainable by any means // even if the world were at peace, there would be one person that was not happy with things, that would rise to create conflict. Whether an army of one or one thousand+ conflict means that peace has been broken; peace cannot be eternal, the term for peace is usually embedded with a wish for an eternal node of it, and when conflict breaks that time of peace, peace is not eternal, there will always be conflict and thus there can be no eternal peace, and so peace in itself is a lie.
There will always be wars, always be bloodshed, always be murders and rapes…that is the world, that is what we fight against every day. That will be our eternity on this planet. Because, in order for there to be peace there must be agreement…agreement on ALL things. Religions must accept other religions…countries must love other countries. But how can we even begin this process when the Light scoffs at the Dark, and the Dark wants to eradicate that of the Light for mocking it and spewing fantasy?

Also…Jedi as those carried by the phase of what I call “blind faith” seem flighty. They feel as though any sense of being grounded is just limitation, shackles on the heels of man keeping us from spreading our wings and flying. But I don’t see it as flying.
Sith are shackled (in my mind), and the Jedi are tied to ever-floating balloons. One is pissed and moaning about all the dark things in this life, and the other is floating away whistling unawares of where the hell they are going and/or how they are going to get down. But the Shadow Aspect places me on an airship—it gives ME the controls and allows me to fly when I want to, and still come down to kiss the earth when I miss standing on my own two feet.

It’s not that Jedi-Realism lacks anything…it is merely following its structure and working with the needs of certain people who want that sort of truth.
Same as Sithism…it lacks nothing, it is just following its structure and so-on. But my needs are specific to me, my truths are different than the truths of others…what I want to accomplish is a mixture of spirituality and control/power. Just because I have not a unified idea or belief with one side or the other does not make me wrong, misguided, or stuck…nor limited. It makes me enlightened in my won way, for my own needs, for my own purpose and path. It means that I have found something to suit MY mind, suit my heart, suit my soul…the Light side suits Jax’s needs and brings her closer to The Force, and Sithism suits Venger’s needs and he believes that Sithism has bettered him and bring hims closer to The Force.
I look at both sides and take with it the things I feel that I need and that suits my needs and makes me feel closer to The Force.

…it’s like in my SWtoR (Star Wars the Old Republic) game. I made a Jedi character and a Sith character…both sides of me (as they were being pulled). As a Sith, I made too many Light decisions and was often attacked, spat on, and mocked. As a Jedi, I made too many dark decisions based on my wants, based on revenge and power, and again, I was councilled, warned, and ultimately I could see the Jedi Leaders being cautious of me. In the end, both characters were deleted and I created something new…a bounty hunter, a hunter of truth, and that was my representation of what I was slowly becoming // a seeker of truth, a well of knowledge, the weight that makes the scales even, the sunset, the dawn, neither light nor dark…I was Shadow Jedi or (as some call it) Light Sith // I was neutral, and I am happy this way.

I’m not saying that things could not change in the future and I could side one way or the other…because I do not know. Either way…Light Side lacks nothing more than the acknowledgement of Sith without the misconception of evil, limitation, and bias…they lack nothing but the resources to what Sithism could offer versus what Jedi-Realism offers, and it lacks the point that Sithism is not a joke, it is out there, and that there is nothing wrong with exploring other options in order to find your unique truth.
You could at least start with that.

–_–Maybe more to come later–_–