Archive for the ‘Ranting/Venting’ Category

sheep-5

…something…a thought…it has been re-occurring to me over and over again lately and giving me a chuckle. I see these posts online, people complaining about being the “black sheep” of the family and how hard it is. I laugh because it seems pretty pathetic…seems something stupid to complain about. A black sheep is still a sheep nonetheless. So, what’s the problem? And then I’m reminded that, even my wool is not so white…

I remember when I first started taking control…when I first started to understand that I was old enough to pave my own way. To break outside of the mold that my parents had made for me…to break away from that model of a perfect person everyone else expected of me. I won’t say it was liberating…because at first, I too felt the sting at what people consider being the “black sheep” to be. I remember telling people that I was dropping out of college. At least for a year until I could figure myself out. I had hopped into a private school because my parents wanted the best for me…had taken on a major in Psychology because people told me it suited me, that I would be good at it, and go figure, they said I would love the money. But, while psychology was an amazing study, the career did not sit well with me. It was not something I would enjoy. Human Services was no better, it was not for me. And, Music Therapy…I could not see myself ever having a stable career in it. I needed something different, and, because I did not know what…heaven forbid I quit school instead of staying in a place that was going to cost me $32,000 a year and had already put me into $15,000 in debt because they took my grants away.

My Mother and Father were…disappointed. They wanted me to give them my next move, my next plan of action. They wanted me to have my whole future laid out NOW, NOW,NOW! If I wasn’t getting scolded for not working enough hours to pay my own bills (because…you know, I had school to do as well), then I was scolded for dropping out and not having a plan. Not to mention that I was in my first real relationship at the time, and suddenly everything was blamed on this new love interest of mine, how she had turned me into a rebel, how I was probably doing drugs, and was obviously skipping classes for sex. Even my classmates looked down on me for decisions that were of my control and I had good reason for making…but, it was outside of the norm. I was EXPECTED to stay in school. I was EXPECTED to suffer and barely pass…to get a degree I did not even want, OR to switch majors until I found my true calling as if the loans piling up did not even matter. There were no drugs, and yes…I was drinking sometimes, and yes, I would not always go to class…but the grades were average because college was hard. The reason I quit was the debt and knowing that I was burnt out and not even interested in any career path the private school could offer me.

Then suddenly…I was given a choice: Quit my girlfriend and go back to school (take on more hours too), or move out.

This sheep chose to move out.

Moving out was not so bad. Yes, there were times I struggled, there were moments I was still going home to wash some laundry or my Mother and/or Father was bringing me over dinner, or a blanket, or some other random appliance I might need. But, I was free. No longer was I thinking about how much of a failure I was to everyone else…I was thinking about my life, how best to experience it, how best to truly live it. Things were…calm (for the most part). Then, I decided to move to the capital.

It was another bad move I guess…just one more notch on my belt. How dare I consider even for a moment, moving to a new city and starting my life over??? I remember being scolded: “You’ll get raped” , “If your car breaks down, how can I help you?” ,  and even better…”If you move, then don’t bother calling me ever again”. Harsh, right? Why? Because I would be looking for a job, because I would be living with my lover’s Mom…there were so many uncertainties that people just assumed I was better off living in a  black-hole town with no way of ever having a better life until I got some degree. I did not want to work as a Temp the rest of my life, did not want to juggle that with fast-food and taking part-time classes because it’s all I could focus on while trying to pay the bills. I did not want to be ‘stuck’ the rest of my life…did not want to end up just another family member with a list of regrets, with a list of things they wished they could have done and would have done…but they never did because they did not want to take a risk. They did not want to tackle anything that did not have a 100% chance of succeeded. I refused to live that life of fear, refused to hide behind security and live a boring and uneventful life. If I fell down, so what? I would scrape my knees, they would bleed…but ultimately, they would heal and I could try again. So again…I could hear the whispers behind my back at every turn.

I was the girl whom in school had the 3.6 GPA, whom had gotten the scholarships. I was supposed to be going somewhere. But then wait…I was a lesbian, so much for their dreams of me finding a rich husband. So much for their dreams of me being mother to a bazillion children…I could hear them: Oh, I liked video-games? Not normal for a girl like me. I was a Furry? Aren’t they animal fuckers? Again, I had let them down.
And now…now I was the dropout wanting to move away with my fuck buddy to a new city where no one could keep an eye out on me while I lived my life? For shame…

It’s funny. It makes me laugh. I laugh to think that I even cared back then…that these thoughts hurt me or they even broke my heart. I hate that these thoughts even made me angry because why was I supposed to be what everyone else wanted, but, not what I wanted? Every career choice I wanted was not good enough because it never made enough money. Every mistake of every friend and family member was thrust upon me as if I had to suffer their same fate for whatever reason. As if, because they failed at something, I was doomed to fail at it too. the ignorance of it all still astounds me.

I remember finally getting established in Indianapolis and finally people started coming to see me. Family visited, saw how well off I was and they were finally proud of me. they realized they had been wrong…and just knowing that they said they were really happy for me, I took that as “Hey…sorry for being such an asshat.” There were no hard feelings and life was good…until I decided I was moving to Germany. Suddenly all those questions came hitting me again like a truck: “I thought you said you were going back to school?” , “It’s too dangerous, you’re going to get killed!”, “We can’t save you if you move across the Country!”, “Two years is too long…you don’t need to move to Germany, just save up money and visit your woman when you can”.

Some people were supportive…but most people were not. Every day up to the day I left was one more conversation after the next of why I shouldn’t leave, why it was a dumb idea. Experiences and regrets being projected onto me like I too was cursed and if I left, would never make it back alive. again people would whisper…I was once again the odd one, the black sheep, under the spotlight because I was doing something crazy…because I actually wanted to live my life and pave my way on my own. Because I had a choice, I had a voice, and everyone else saw it as blasphemy, saw it as rebellion. It wasn’t rebellion, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make amazing memories. It wasn’t there life to live it was MINE and I was taking control.

So I went to Germany…their voices, their chains could not hold me. Even now I know that had I stayed in the States, I would have regretted it forever, would have hated every moment. And, knowing that I met my wife there…in that place, so far away from all I had ever known. It shows me even more how I made the right choice. That by being what people call the “black sheep” and by leaving with my middle finger up in the fucking air, I was in control of my life, I was in control of my own happiness…I was taken action towards the betterment  of ME, MYSELF, and I…and I was doing something and feeling something that those other people will never know.

Germany was not easy…and while it’s hard to admit, yes, there were places where people ended up right.  I was molested by a stranger that had walked me to my apartment after a late shift…I had been homeless upon first arriving. The person I traveled there for cheated on me numerous times and by the end of it all kicked me off of base not caring what happened to me. I was depressed at times…there were dark places that I was surprised I made it out of alive. But, there was also the beautiful memories. My travels, going to Italy for my birthday. The sports bar, my friends, my Godson…meeting my beautiful wife. Nothing could make me think twice about doing it all over again…

…if given a time machine, there would be nothing I would go back and change in order to try and fix it. Because you know what? My life doesn’t need fixing…I don’t need fixing. And most importantly…I do not need some other person’s approval to be happy and live the life I want and deserve.

Even today when I could not be happier…there are those that tell me to do better, that I deserve better, that I could have more, that I should have come back home. But what do they even know? Do they even know me anymore? And…if they really ‘cared’ about me like they claim, then, wouldn’t they be happy that I’m finally happy? That I’m in a healthy relationship? That I have my own place, that all my bills are paid, that I’m well fed and spoiled? do they even care that this is the life I always dreamed of? why are they so hell bent on trying to pull me like I’m their puppet on a string…why are they so convinced that if I am not living the life that they want for me that I’m not happy?

Yes…I’m going back to school, yes, I already have my career path picked out. But it’s no one’s business to know the when and the how. It’s no one’s business to say that my being a babysitter is not a real job or that I should be doing more. It’s no one’s business to know when my wedding is, or when certain things are happening…or even when I might be coming home for a visit. My life is no one’s business, and no one has room to talk when it comes to the way I am living. Because this body, this life, these experiences…they only belong to me. And what I choose to do with it all is the only thing that matters. The rest is all talk…these labels are just your way of saying that you’re so discontent with yourself that you have to be more discontent with someone else’s life just to feel better. All of that is on you…and it will never weigh me down again.

So…never complain of being the black sheep. Rock that wool, flaunt it. If you’re in control of your own life, your own happiness…if being this black sheep is a result in you taking action and breaking free of the mold someone else made for you…then don’t lament. Be proud. Because you’re not the slave of your fears and insecurities like everyone else…you are unique, you will pave the way to your own happiness…you my friend, your wool may not be as white…but you are FREE.

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Why hide our inner predator?

Posted: December 10, 2014 in Ranting/Venting

Why hide our inner predator?
Why keep our inner animal locked up in a cage?

This thought has crossed my mind recently. Because I am back in the States (and there was 3 weeks prior to that where I had very limited access to the internet), I have not had time to do the classes that I signed up for at IJRS…I have not been at the new Sith Orders as I should because I believe that spiritual discovery and the motivation to do something and truly soak in what it has to offer, I believe that all of this comes in its own time. If you force yourself to do something, it will not be as fulfilling for you…
Others might disagree…but I’m getting off topic.

What little work with spirituality and researching things…well, it lead me to all the things I had been seeing before. As with former complaints on most things considered “Light-Side” aspect, I find so many paths and teachings telling you to repress something, erase something…take something away from your being which merely makes you less of yourself. I find that, being yourself means embracing all of you. While you may bend and change, things that are a dominant side of you can’t just “go away”, feelings and emotions cannot just get “erased” from your self, they can only be met with understanding and you can better yourself based on this.

Too many people deny what we all are at heart…we are animals. We have instincts, we have drives, all based on a genetic code passed down over-and-over again that help us get through this life, that push us to do nothing more than make it, to survive…to pass on that code once more to the next generation and so on. This world, though it may not seem like it at times, is still “Survival of the fittest”…things like War are inevitable, battle will always comes, chaos will always pop its head out of what we see as order…so its up to us to get put into that mode where we fight or we die. Simple as that.

You know…it’s interesting how I repeat the same things over and over throughout my blogs, and yet, each time I write about it, it is because there is more and more that I am coming to understand. To say one thing and to ‘know’ of it is a good start…but to truly ‘understand’ something is much, much greater than just your basic ‘knowledge’.

…for the past 2-3 months I have spent my time with a beautiful creature who has come to make me see many things about myself. A daughter of Fenrir and chaser of the full moon, she is the type to focus on the prey, not the Horizon—one to live in a moment, and she does not deny herself her instincts, does not deny her emotions, and she pointed out that, though I may hold a high “Dark Aspect” title of Darth, there is still an animal chained inside myself, still caged where I rarely ever let it see the light of day. Like most people, I have been programmed to deny my true nature because it might not be as accepted, because I was taught to have what people consider to be “control”. But, trying to erase aspects of yourself is not control…trying to deny how you truly are at your core is NOT control. It is ignorance.
Control comes from embracing whom and what you are and understanding where your weakness is and learning to work around it in a way that is constructive. Control is knowing that you are not perfect, knowing that your flaws are just as much a part of you as anything else, and that you should be loved for that side of you rather than scolded and shunned. Control is knowing you have things about you that would otherwise consume you, but, because you have understanding, they are still present but do not have to scream to get your attention. Control is knowing that no one has to ‘mold’ you for you to be a certain way, attain a certain rank or status, because even with those qualities and flaws, you can make it anyways.

I am an animal…I have an inner wolf in me too that sometimes comes out to play. I have that thirst, that desire to run free, to break out of my cage and chase the moon as my loved one does. I have that strength locked away in me because it is normally looked down upon…the emotions that I let drive me, the instincts others might find crazy, the passion that courses through me which most would confuse for unhealthy obsession.

Like children who form a lens over their eyes because society tells them what is real and what is not real, even as adults we are still being wet down and molded into something we are not. We are still being made into a model of perfection where they play it off that being so uniform is so good and moral even though it makes us deny our very nature and what makes us truly unique from one another. To deny us power, to deny us passion, to deny us that field so that we may stretch our legs and run…why? Why grow to be caged? Why deny us the very things that can set us free?

This is just a taste of the things floating through my mind here recently and I shall expand upon it later I am sure.
Since my ‘Path’ took its last turns with the revelation of the thirteen keys that will lead me and my ‘children’ to a type of ascension, my discoveries and research have gone beyond just that of Force-Realism. I recently read the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu and took a few pages worth of notes. Also, been reading a few other books in which I have taken notes so that I might have more to write about later.

But for now, I pose an exercise for all whom read this: What is your animal?

I am not talking about a spirit guide or anything like that. I am talking about YOU. What are you? Where is your animal caged and why? Is it even caged at all? In what ways do you let it run free? When did you discover your animal and how did you know that this particular animal was you? If your animal is caged…how did it get that way and what do you think it would take to set it free? Leave your answers in the comments-section if you so desire.

Until the next one then…

Disappointment I

Posted: July 15, 2014 in Ranting/Venting

Disappointment:
Here recently with the project which is my own Temple, I decided that I really needed to work on the fictional aspect of The Force in order to truly understand it as a whole. How could I claim mastery over something when I cannot even begin to discuss its origins and/or the people which helped shape how it is used in terms of both good and evil (light and dark)?
Still, the more I read about force-sensitives, the more I start to realize that there are some things that never change from fiction into reality. This is not always a good thing. Obviously with human limitation we cannot use The Force like those in the Star Wars universe. We do not wield real lightsabers, nor do we ship off to another planet to do our training. I don’t think the Jedi in fiction drove to any outlet every two days for a yoga session…
Also, we cannot shoot lightning from our fingers, force choke anyone, or use any of the other techniques that The Force enables Jedi and Sith to use in fiction. For us, it is merely a spiritual-thing…we follow the codes and creeds as best we can and apply them to what we can in this life, on this planet. But, the one thing that gets me, the one thing that really bothers me is how we can study the things that happened in fiction, we can change the mistakes made by others…and yet we do not.
I have been reading about many of the Darth’s lately, and there were some names that were given to me of people within the Dark Side who had a sense of ‘balance’, and who were not necessarily power hungry or evil, they merely existed and used the Dark-Side as a means of success in other parts of their life. But…there were two people that really stuck out (while Vectivus and Bane stuck out as well, they were pretty plain compared to the other two): Darth Traya, and Darth Revan.

Lets start off with Revan…
He was a Jedi Knight who saw that there was a war happening, and he wanted to get involved so that he could end the war and stop the bloodshed. But, every time he tried to get the Council involved, they turned down his idea, basically telling him that this was none of their business. They were supposed to be the defenders of the galaxy, defenders of the innocent, and yet they would not dirty their hands with war even when the enemy was right at their doorstep, killing innocents, and wreaking havoc. To this, Revan finally weaseled his way into the war, and through it, he found out that a Sith Emperor was behind the whole thing, and reported it back to the Council.
Again, the Council shook him off, they would not believe him, and so, he took it upon himself to investigate this matter. Eventually he took to the Dark Side due to his overconfidence in thinking himself and his pal Malak could defeat said-Emperor and they were overcome by his will. Had the Council only listened and not sat around twiddling their thumbs, Revan would have never left in the first place…but instead, he located the Star Forge, started his own Empire, and it was only due to Darth Malak’s greed that Revan almost died and came back to the Council, because otherwise…he would not have been able to be stopped.
Later on, after Revan came back to the side of the Jedi, he was married, and even with the title of Prodigal Knight and the Cross of Glory, he tried to show the Council how allowing relationships within their practices would make things better…make people stronger and keep them away from the Dark Side through such bonds (it is how he saved his wife Shan when she turned to the Dark Side)…but again, they would not listen, they scolded him and turned the cold shoulder. Still closed minded as always, still cold to new ideas and ways in which to improve their ways and make things better for everyone.
Always they turned away the new for the old, always they were clinging to their seat of power…and for what? That’s why people were turning, that’s why people were being exiled, this was what would lose them their home later on when the Sith took control again, due to stubbornness, due to being close-minded and belligerent. They were breaking their own code…and they were being ignorant.
I bring this up because too often I see this same type of behavior in the Temples we have today. Too many people being promoted only because they molded to a certain way of thinking and do not question it. We have people whom every day are experimenting with new things, trying to bring attention to some flaws in the system and things that could make experiences better. It’s not even those people who want to change things up…but what about people like me? Someone who uses both Light and Dark aspects are generally not welcome from what I have seen. Whereas I am allowed to join in on a place, the minute I start talking about the opposite side of their beliefs, I am attacked, viciously sometimes.
I see that people of higher ranking like to wag their fingers at people who think differently, and, rather than try and be understanding of them, they try making an excuse for the person, saying that they are merely “inexperienced” or that they “have not reached that point” of mastery or training yet. They try to convince someone of what they are doing ‘wrong’ (yes I have been told I am wrong many times, and outright), and how it goes against the belief and blah, blah, blah. Sound familiar?
Sounds like that Mother trying to force her child to go to Church when he isn’t sure that he believes in God. Sounds like that Pastor which is telling you that if you do not follow his way then you will burn in Hell. Their way is always the right way and your way is wrong…how is that understanding? How is that knowledge? How is that Jedi? Rather than try and discuss a point of view, they meet it with anger, with arguments, they meet change with fear and thus shun a lot of good points that they do not want to see because it’s against their ‘system’.
Granted, I have seen it more from Jedi but it happens in the Sith community too…Light Sith are looked on as weak, treated like a Bisexual who people like to point at and say they are “confused”. Many Darksiders and Lightsiders alike try and make it so that you have to be one thing or the other, and that should never be the case…again, it’s another act of ignorance, and such a thing not only moves them away from The Force, but in some way, some day, it will be their downfall.
While I will not discuss Traya just yet…I will use this quote:

“If a lightsaber loses its power, is it still a lightsaber? And if a Jedi loses her powers, is she still a Jedi?”
―Kreia

It was one of her many conundrums…and here is what it stated: Evenw ithout their weapon and even without the abilities, a Jedi is made in their dedication to their path, through their spirituality. So even when they lose their trademarks, it is what is in their heart that will make them and forever keep them Jedi. But, you know what? Most people that I have seen in the community as of late…without their title, without their ‘persona’, if those things were stripped from them, they would no longer be Jedi. They would show nothing that would dub them as such and make them stand out as someone who is true to their path and whom really understands The Force, and lives by it.
You would see a bunch of people running around still tooting their own horns, wagging those fingers, still ignorant, still beligerant, only this time, only there would be no rank to it, therefore no substance on those who would normally be ‘below’ them…just a bunch of bellyachers on a forum.
Speaking of moving away from The Force…Sithism tends to be just as much of a disappointment. Either you find yourself in the seat of some scam for money, or you find yourself in a group that is more like a group therapy session than anything spiritual. Since when has Sithism become all about questioning the moral standard? Since when has it become a contest of whose Daddy loved them less? Since when has it become something of inaction? Question after question but nothing that drives one forward to being empowered. That is why it sickens me.
The Sith Code speaks to me…its truth to me, and since Jedi live to their code, Sith should not be any different. I did not take the title of Darth just for the fun of it, I did it because I live by what I have learned. I know what it is to harness the power of the Dark Side. I am empowered by this…I take action with this, but, can other Sith say the same? Or are they just the ‘pretenders’ that Darth Bane spoke of; and in this life, they are nothing more than people hiding behind a computer screen and roelplaying?
Darth Bane said that to share power was to dilute it…and thus he came up with the Rule of Two. This helped the Sith survive, this rule made them prosper. He saw the weakness which was The Brotherhood of Darkness and so he destroyed it and then made everything anew. While his method was always meant to grow and change once the Sith came to power again, he brought glory back to the Dark Side. Again, I see this almost every day. So many Sith sites looking merely for the numbers…people that do not care for the path, for the code, for power, or even for action. People who come in and do not even try to better themselves but go around spamming Darth Vader pics or R2-D2 bikini girls. It’s sad…
That, and, even when there are those craving power…the greed of the Leaders that run them make it so that the sites generally destroy themselves much as all the other Sith organizations did before the Rule of Two in fiction. Bane took his title of Darth which had been banned (the title) from the Brotherhood of Darkness because it was thought that it would destroy the Order. He showed that true power was between those few who were dedicated to the Path and not for the masses. There are those who are meant to Lead and those were meant to follow…it’s natural order, and he proved that. Still…this finally leads me to Darth Traya.
Darth Traya was a Jedi Master whose students were considered failures because they either left the order or turned to the Dark Side. Her methods of teaching were met with harsh criticism because she wanted her students to ask questions, and she wanted her students to find their own way. She was in no way a ‘traditional’ Jedi because she knew that everyone needed to develop their own strength, to face the trials in life both good and bad, and she did not believe in making people dependant on others who did everything for them.

“If you seek to aid everyone that suffers in the galaxy, you will only weaken yourself… and weaken them. It is the internal struggles, when fought and won on their own, that yield the strongest rewards. You stole that struggle from them, cheapened it. If you care for others, then dispense with pity and sacrifice and recognize the value in letting them fight their own battles. And when they triumph, they will be even stronger for the victory.”
―Kreia to Meetra Surik

 

Eventually, she was sent into Exile where she fled to find her student Revan, eventually turning to the Dark herself. A powerful Darth, she trained others in the ways she trained her Jedi students, and they too would betray her, strip her of her powers (or so they thought) and leave her to die. It was in this moment that she realized that it was not the Jedi who were evil…nor was it the Sith, but it was The Force. It was the very thing that kept her alive which corrupted these factions. Neither was superior to the other…they never would be, They both shared the same crimes, thus, she tried to rid the World of The Force (or the ability to use it), even though she failed.
Still, this is true. The Jedi are no Saints, and the Sith will always have their flaws. Rather than work together, both point at the other as if they are a hinderance, a weakness, a boundry, when that is in no way true.
…Atlas will be different…my Temple will be different.
It will be a place where someone can bring their beliefs no matter how different, and they can belong. If the code I have presented them does not speak to them, if they can not apply it to their life, then they are free to leave, but, if they choose to stay and share their wisdom without trying to gain rank, without trying to force themselves into a way of thinking just to please a bunch of people stuck in a mindset that excludes others, they are welcome by me, welcome in my home, in my sanctuary. That is what a Temple should be…that is what The Force should be about. Understanding, cooperation, and ultimately about truth.
So for now I will continue down this path I have made, I know now more than ever that this is what I was meant to do. I’m going to make great things happen…I’m going to exceed others assumptions just because I know both Light in Darkness and can use them in a constructive way without it interfering with my spirituality.
…so here’s the first part of my many rants on what will come to disappoint me.

So much has been happening lately, and while now is not the time to give full details on everything, I have really started looking at myself, my habits, and really been evaluating myself more and more in order to do what this blog’s purpose stated beforehand—which is making a better ‘me’.

So, the future has been talked about a lot recently, and, while the details are still not set into stone about what might happen now or in a few years, my partner and I came to the conclusion that, if we do manage to stay together then there would be a marriage and children in our future. At the thought of having a child, I started thinking about how a child might view me as they get older. The thing is, children tend to pick up on things that we don’t really think about. Our small habits, even something as simple as the way we handle a pencil or fork…they see this and they mimic this. Sometimes the things that a child pick up can be corrected…but sometimes, the habits they pick up follow them for life.

I learned that, when I was little and could not sleep…my parents would take me on long car rides which would sooth me and I would fall into a deep and comfortable sleep. While many parents might applaud this, what they are failing to consider is that children develop a security blanket. Whether that be a position in which they lay or something that soothes them, this thing remains encoded in them and follows them to adulthood. Even to this day, even when behind the wheel, sleeping makes me very drowsy.

But, as mentioned before, children can also pick up on habits…they can pick up on mood swings, just behavior in general. They can pick up twitches and other quirks in a person, especially their parents…and while thinking about this, I started looking at my life. While I am generally organized and usually have my ducks in a row, there are some things about me that are…well, not really role-model worthy. I often have the tendency to neglect things (chores and etc) and even have the tendency to neglect myself when I am depressed and in ‘the pit’.

Simple things like taking a shower that night or brushing my teeth. I shirk it off. Granted, not to the point where I am disgusting, but, to the point where I know that I am starting to have a problem. Another bad habit of mine is never finishing something that I start. This issue began with the novels that I was writing. I would get an idea, write a few pages, then get a new idea for a new book and the old project would collect dust for the next few years until I would decide to re-write it…but then the whole process would happen again. I have about 30 novels that I have started with the whole plot thought out, but, they never see completion.

But that didn’t bother me as much as the fact that there are a lot of video-games that I have never completed. This would not bother me as much if video-games were not such a big part of my life. It wasn’t until I started beating a lot of video-games this year that I realized just how many I own that I never saw through. I would beg for a game, get it, play it, reach a hard part, rage quit, and just buy a new game.

These are all small things…but I noticed that such habits had started flooding into my actual life…my organized life. I would start a savings account, but would not save as much money as I wanted because I wanted something new. I realized that a few years back, I paid out so much in wasted tuition fees because I would start a college course, decide I didn’t like it, dropout again, then feel bad, and then finally I would start another college course, only this time I was going for something new.

Would I want a child to see me like this?

When Taz left for the military, I found that it was hard to handle the pets that I had. Whereas I loved them dearly and the cats were so spoiled before and love to death, I started getting angry at them, locking them out of my room…I couldn’t deal with them. I shirked that part of my responsibility as a pet owner to give them affection for at least a month or two because depression beat me. I got better, and they were loved to death again…but, I shouldn’t even be doing that to a beloved pet, so I can’t do that to a child!

The past is the past…but I decided that there were some things in me that needed to be tackled now. So, I took it one step at a time. I started reading a book that I bought forever ago because “I had to have it”, and, in a week, it should be finished.
I have started beating video games no matter how hard they get, and I keep trying. Because of this, I am finally getting through a game that I have been trying to beat for over 5 years. It’s crazy, because all these things may seem to some people, but to me, it’s really an improvement, and it moves me down the road to transformation. I even used an alarm to remind me to brush my teeth so I never miss a night by ‘accident’, and I have been a tad bit stricter on sleeping schedules to.

While I am also trying to be healthier, well, while I am still in Germany, that is still going to be a problem.

Speaking of problems…I ran into one. While Taz’s move from Oklahoma to Kentucky was a blessing, it’s still something of a curse. There is no Amazon close enough to her for me to transfer except for one in Jeffersonville, IN —but, with their new transfer policy in the US (you apply for a transfer and they hold your application for 90 days. Then, if they find that they have a place for you within that 90 days, they call you up and expect you to be there at their door ASAP. This sucks because I need 2 months free to get a house and etc. Then I wanted to start work in January BUT with this new policy…well…) I would have to stay in Germany throughout November and December just to hope they have a position open in January. Then, not only would I not be able  to fly home with Taz, but I would miss out on seeing my family like I had planned.

Not to mention I already got the same thing from Amazon IND2 (where I originally came from), Jeffersonville being 2 hours from Taz and then Indy being a little over 4 hours. So, my final option is basically to quit Amazon, move in with my Mother, and find another job in my hometown until Taz and I get a plan together.

So…thus goes back to the saving and having my priorities in order and blah, blah, blah. So, I have started looking at apartments near Taz where I could live, as well as jobs on base and jobs within the general area near her. It’s not going to be easy, but hell, I moved to Germany dammit! Still, I just figured I would let it be known how I felt.

I don’t want my children to look at me and say: “Wow…I never want to be like my Mom (or be in her position).” which was pretty much how I viewed both of my parents. I love them dearly, but I don’t want my child to see me constantly broke, out of work, dependent on others, and stuck in a corner due to a lack of skills which would otherwise allow me to progress in this world. Do I want them to strive to be better than me? Of course! But more than that, if they manage to get by just fine and have a little bit of  plain but happy life like mine has been so far, I want them to look at my accomplishments and feel satisfied that they could be the same way.

More or less this is just rambling, but it is also just a bit of food for thought. Still, I have the time to grow and will do so at my own pace. But yeah…that’s all I suppose.

Thinking Aloud

Posted: May 31, 2014 in Ranting/Venting, Uncategorized

When it comes to a Path (your destiny or etc.), the journey is never finished, the job is never done. Even though I have taken the title of Darth for myself, there is still so much that I feel I need to learn, so much that I am still learning, but, that does not take away from my rights to a name any less. Still, I figured I would say this just so that all are clear. The Force is something I believe that I have always been searching for, a power that I was always reaching out for but was always too far until two years ago.

 
My personal belief is that The Force found me when it felt it needed to be found, and it let me go about my merry way, testing the waters until I had a base for what my personal ideology is. The more I learn about the different sides of The Force (Ashla and Bogan…Dark and Light), the more I learn about myself, how I am defined, and what my Path truly means. In a battle between Good and Evil. I am no evil character. I do not believe the Sith to be evil in terms of our reality, but more or less gazed upon as being more selfish and self-concerned which marks them as the bad guys. But, the Sith at least try to take action for something that they believe in…be it power, be it an obessession or thoughts of vengeance. At least, if a Sith wants something, they will do everything in their power to make it happen, rather than sit around and wait.

 
I agree that nowadays a lot of Sith Orders come across as a competition of who is the most psychotic, whose father loved them the least, and who has the biggest criminal record and/or the sickest fantasies. But, this is not real Sithism, this is not what the Dark Side is. This is not true to what I learned, what I forsaw at SA, what I feel when I repeat the Dark Mantra. Still…

 
…Sithism has its flaws, and with it, I also see the flaws in the Light-Side. The fact that people who are based in understanding can be so closed minded. To say that their way is the only way is no better than a Christian saying that if you do not go to church on Sunday or if you do blah, blah, blah then you are going to hell. I have watched so many intellectuals get ignored, get showered in excuses for their answers, for their inquiries merely because they dare question what has been written…they dare think outside a teaching, and for that, they are shunned. While I still believe in The Force and know it to be my way…as more and more days pass and I wander among the forums, I start to lose hope in all that had thought so highly of before. I am seeing the struggles of those who truly want to reach enlightenment but are shot down by others of higher rank…I see how this world is on a scale where one side is dreamers, and the other side are rampaging idiots, and it does not scare me so much as it makes me sad.

 
But, going back on my Path I used to think of myself as a balanced Aspect…50% Light and 50% Dark. I wanted to balance out my Sith Lord Title with a rank of Jedi Knight and evenly mix the two teachings to create a Grey Aspect. Now I see where that plan was flawed from the start. While I am good in nature and therefore Light-sided in accordance to reality…in accordance to spirituality, that is not so much the case. The more I learn in Light and Dark sides, I can see where Sithism suits me more, it holds more for me personally, and I make more progress through it because it is something that I personally believe in truly and often without question. I can see where action is necessary, passion is what brings results…and that’s what I want is results! I can see the realistic view of things, see that dreams cannot fix a world that is rapidly falling apart. I can see that veil of beautiful lies that shroud society’s face and I yearn to rip it off of them, undo the knot, and give them Endarkenment…the harsh truth, to save them.

 
Strange as it may sound…there really is no other way for me to explain it. People in this world have either seen too much truth and have gone insane, they have not seen truth because of the veil and they live in a fantasy land of false hopes and dreams, or, they could face truth and overcome it, take action to change it…

 
So…whereas I used to say I was a Balanced or Grey Aspect…I take that back. It’s a Shadow Aspect. An aspect that still respects others and will still help…but it is an aspect based mostly in darkness, one of harsh truth, and still mostly selfish as one must help themselves before they can help others (same as people would say one must love themselves before loving others).

 
These…realizations are slowly helping me to become the Darth I am meant to be. To finish my Temple with a strict curriculum and bring my idea of “Atlas” to life…it leads me to that place of being Empress where I will not only hold a title which asks for respect, but I will show then on many accounts that my title alone does not only require it, but, that I earned it.

 
So…right now I will continue with IJRS lessons and start TotJO’s first major lesson tomorrow. I will continue from the Foundation Assignments to the Self-Training at OotS and I should continue writing on Atlas as soon as I start learning a few more things about the Fictional Sith and how I can add that into an ideology or model of what a Sith-Realist should be (but not in an evil conquering way…more as in conquering your own personal weakness and taking control over your life and etc.).
This is the plan…but, we will see how all of that rolls.

 
OH…and I need a new name…

Taking the Title: Darth Larken awakens.

05.05.2014

In all my teachings of Sithism, their universe of power and passion seemed to revolve around ranks. Ranks showed what you accomplished, the tasks you had completed. It showed your pain and suffering as you strove for new heights, it showed your struggle as you crawled along the ground, begging for just a taste…a mere drop of power and a strange sense of control.
At the Sith Academy, I can at least say that they did one thing right. They had the Masters who were always there to teach, they had a structured curriculum to help their Acolytes grow into something greater than what they arrived as. They actually had lesson plans that would boost one in ranks, to give them that taste of power so that they wanted more (it also kept only dedicated people around because the tasks could be somewhat tedious and required actual work). But, the most elusive rank of them all was Darth.
Naturally, this rank only applied to the Founders.
But, on rare occasion…someone could boost themselves to this rank. Usually it was based in mere favoritism. It was handed out more like a gift rather than something that actually had to be accomplished. Granted, this did not mean that the strongest did not get this rank…as the stronger people did. But, what goes for the others? People who stayed on that site such as myself…people whose whole effort was poured into making SA something that was great? What of them?
You see, I was (at highest) a Lord on that site before I took my leave. Ranks were always changing, at one time I was going to be made Prophet (which was higher than Lord) until they scrapped that rank idea, and we stayed at our basic structure to keep things more organized.
I ran the site for awhile…I was on there constantly, posting lectures, teaching apprentices, helping people reach out to their dark sides. But, the funny thing is…in all this time of being a Sith, and excelling in the Dark Side of The Force…there was one major lesson that never hit home, one major lesson that I missed.
In Sithism…if you want something YOU TAKE IT.
All of this came to my mind a week ago.
Someone whom I respect greatly in The Force, made it a point to say they respected as a Lord and even asked if I would prefer to be called ‘Darth’ Larken. I thought about this for a moment, and my mind automatically made up its mind that I should not be called this as it was a title that was never ‘given’ to me. After this conversation, I then had a nagging feeling within myself. I had this terrible aching and this headache…more like a feeling of annoyance with myself. But why?
The more I pondered on it…the more that hunger started to grow. That thirst for power within me…the beast was stirring. That’s when I realized how much this man’s words had truly affected me. He said I had all but earned the title Darth long ago. With my writings, with my ability to teach others, with how I excelled at SA…I belonged to be in that top rank of those who understood that Dark Side…that realm of a different kind of power. With my knowledge and understanding, I should have risen to the top long ago.
Now I was sitting there thinking on those words I had typed…how the title had not been ‘given’ to me, and therefore I could use it. Bah! I spit on the idea. I live by the Sith Code…ever day my life is poured into this Creed…this mantra of power. It moves me, it flows through me at every waking moment. It fuels me. What more can I say? True…I am a Light-sider, but only in accordance to reality. The Force is something more than that, and while I am a Shadow Aspect…the shadow, the darkness shows more than my light-sided frame on that scale.
At SA we were always challenged to take that which we wanted. Then we would defend what we had taken, and that was our true test. But, I never had to fight for what I wanted. Only on rare occasions did I have to defend myself and my accomplishments from someone else because of their ignorance or impatience. Other than that, I was never the wolf in the pit, fighting over scraps with the other scragglers. I was always above because someone wanted me there. I wanted to be there as well…but on my own terms and conditions.
So, for the first time…I know now what lesson I was missing. I know why others found me so weak-hearted, so Light. Now for the first time I am understanding the concept of taking what you want and achieving something great. Darth Larken has awoken from her slumber…and with this awakening is going to be some changes. It will take years no doubt…but, I am starting my own Sith Temple.
I will only take in those who can show me they are dedicated. I don’t want dreamers or role-players…I want people who will take action!!! I want people who can demonstrate for me, true power. Sithism is not about those who are the most psychotic, or those who have seen the most death, or walked the most pitiful road. It is about taking what you want, defending it from others with fist, with steel, with mind, with anything you have because your whole ‘self’ and everything around is a weapon…
So then, I dare someone to complain. Whine about my rank, my title, my right to power…try and take it from me in any way you can. You shall not break me, you shall not defeat me, you can’t. When this Temple rises…this new child of mine, it will be small, it will look like any other board. But, there will be something there, something that every other place anymore seems to truly lack…and that is passion. Anyplace can claim to have power…but true power only comes with passion and understanding. I am bringing this back to the Dark Side of The Force.

Darkness be with you…always.

Darth Larken of the Sith.

Butthurt much?

Posted: March 29, 2014 in Ranting/Venting

So…most people know me as Mia or Element, but, my main religious handle when it comes to Force-User websites is Larken. I called out the Black Dragon Empire on their new scam for power.
All they want is money, and all they can make are fake promises that will never be kept. They are not evil…not even close. They are just stupid.

So, I happened to post their videos on a humor-section within some of the Sith websites in which I attend. On TOTJO, their first video (which I posted in another entry) was also a laughing stock of funny comments about their “drinkable mojo”, on Mortose’s site, it was in the humor section to which Imperius (now known as Amon Kahn) saw it as mocking, and had to make a response video.

I would like to say how fancy that vibrator is…I only wish that mine were really that pretty 😉
Still, this video does not insult me. In fact, it just shows how low they really go. They say that our words and mocking mean nothing, but, be that true…then why must they address Mortose and I like this? Why tip your hat to us and say you will be meeting us in hell? I can garuntee everyone that…wherever death leads me, it will not lead me to where Ravenus and Imperius lay. Their lost souls have no say in where the Path will take me and my destined life beyond my last breath.

Still…found it funny. I’m actually looking forward to the next installment.