Archive for July, 2015

I have not done martial arts in forever.
the last time I tried was when I signed up for 3 classes of Krav Maga, wanting to be stronger. I signed up for a more intense class because I remember Taekwondo being more about forms and defense. I wanted something offensive, something more fierce and more feared. At the time, I felt that something like Taekwondo only made people snicker. But, when I tried to do the Krav Maga classes, even though I was running, and even though I had been working out…it was too physically demanding. I had an asthma attack in the middle of my first class and was being outdone by my 70-year-old instructor. I was embarrassed at how out-of-shape I was—even though I was the healthiest I had been in years!

So…yesterday I was picking up pizza for dinner. My partner was tired and was thus sleeping at home, and while I was out, I noticed a dojo right beside the pizza place. I had this urge to go in, just to see what their prices might be. I knew it would be too expensive, but, something was nagging at me. I remember as a pre-teen that I liked Taekwondo. It made me sweat, I was self-conscious in the uniform, and the kids were a bit snobby in that class, but I liked it.

Every day I was learning something new, learning something that really pushed my limits. I guess somewhere deep down I remember feeling like I was actually GOOD at it in some way. But, while my Dad had signed us up for Taekwondo, what I did NOT realize was that he had signed us up for a cheap ‘trial’ period which would only get us so far. As we progressed, we would get black duct tape on our belts…showing how far away we were from taking the final test to get the next color up. A month or two was long enough to get a yellow belt, but, we never got to take that test. Even today I have a white belt with those three stripes, showing that I was ready to progress…but, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, my Dad would not let me take the test (he would have to buy me an extra month plus pay for the test), I never got my yellow belt, and I never got to do the one thing I always wanted to do the most which was break a board with my hand and/or foot.

Then…i kinda ended up yelling at my Dad in class for embarrassing me and I fought the instructor (literally), knocked him down, and got kicked out.

Either way…those things still haunt me, they still tug at me because I thought of this as an important part of my life. I was getting fat in my pre-teen years, and Taekwondo got me out of the house, got me off my butt, it was the first time (in a long time) that I had a chance to interact with other kids that did not immediately hate me or bully me. So, being pulled from that atmosphere really hurt.

Maybe that’s what drove me to walk inside and ask for the information.
Anyways, the dojo is very small, and I found myself looking at the prices and scoffing because it’s something I cannot afford on my paycheck. I go home with my pizza, papers still in hand, and I tell my partner about what I did, what I found out, and she says: “Good, you should sign up.” I tell her that I don’t have the money but she says,”no, but I do. You should do it now before we have to start tightening the belt on our expenses.” I must have made a face because she said: “Listen, it’s obvious you want to do it, else you would not have gone in there. I know you said that Taekwondo is physically demanding, but you seem like the type that would like that sort of challenge. So why not try it?”

It’s not like it’s that much of a commitment. It’s 30 mins a class 2x a week. I only work 15 hours a week as is and have every other day off. they offer a variety pf class times to fit my needs, so, it’s not like I could not make it. Not to mention it’s right down the road. But, what haunts me is that day at Krav Maga, running in a circle, doing jumping jacks, push-ups, and sit-ups. I just remember my lungs feeling like they were about to burst and I don’t want to be that person in the class that has to stop. The kicks I can do, punches, no problem. Forms? I got this… just as long as they don’t crush me, I should be okay. My other problem? I will mostly be in a class full of children…

Barely any adults do this, and the ones that do signed up for self-defense instead. I’m going to be in the midst of children whom have all the energy in the world and are of a higher degree than I am. So I really have to ask myself if I’m ready for this. But, tomorrow is the deadline for getting the price deal…and honestly, my partner is determined to see me do it. Not to mention that her and I need to get hobbies outside each other so maybe this could be for the best. I am just worried that’s all. It’s very easy for me to feel defeated.



This blog has not been used for awhile…I guess I have been waiting for the best time in order to post. I like my things to have more ‘substance’ to them I suppose. I like them to have more meaning than just the basic update saying: “Hey I did this thing…so yeah…that’s all I got.”

Anyways, I’m pretty sure that I mentioned my move to Texas.
My whole life has changed in that I did not return to my home-state. Rather, I met someone and moved to Texas to begin a new life there. I got a job at a movie-theater, and while I may not get very many hours, I’m happy. I am happy with how things have been going. I live in a place where I am comfortable and mostly stress-free. My partner and I never bicker, we share a bunch of the same interests, and it’s nice here. She understands that spiritually her and I are different…but unlike the people I have been with before, she is interested in learning about the way in which I view the world, my practices, and she ‘understands’ rather than just ‘accepting’ the way that I am. It’s nice.

But enough about that…

I have gotten a little hefty since leaving Germany. a lot of it is laziness, but another factor of this has been my eating full meals. In Germany I was lucky enough to have 2 meals a day, and now I eat a full 3 a day and my body has been storing a lot of fat. So, I have started exercising again. But, rather than just focusing on cardio, I actually want to look into weight lifting. My partner says that working out my pecs will help in lifting my breasts (they are way too large and cause issues for my backs. They get stretch marks because they sag and get pulled eveyr which way when I’m not wearing a bra). But yeah…sorry if that was TMI, but, weightlifting is also to help me build power in my arms and help me work out my abs.

My stretch marks have gotten out of control, it’s making me self-conscious, so, it’s time I do something about it rather than sit and feel bad about myself and my body. I was going to do Yoga, but, because I’m looking to lose a lot of weight, I was recommended to do Pilates instead. I did Pilates back in high-school. It was not too strenuous, and I know that it works…so I got myself a kit, and I will be working out with that tomorrow. I also got trimmers for my arms, thighs, and belly. Basically they are just bands that help me cut down on my water weight super quick. I will wear the bands to work and such when I can’t exercise as hard as I would on my day off.
for something more fun, my partner and I bought softball gloves, and I get to teach her how to properly throw and catch a softball (which I think will be really fun). I dunno how this will go, dunno when I’m going to see results. To aid in my diet, my partner bought me a book for women body-builders, and we are going to work together to eat better. She needs to build muscle and tone herself…I need to slim down and tone, so, hopefully we find something that fits both of our needs.

Speaking of books I want to take up reading again…

One day I decided that I need to stimulate my mind more. I used part of my paycheck to pick up some books on Amazon. Bought myself the “Satanic Bible”, the “Necronomicon” (re-buying this and it’s more for giggles and my love of HP Lovecraft), and then I bought “120 Days of Sodom”.
I remember that “120 Days of Sodom” was recommended to me by Mortose. She was one of the darkest people I have ever met…she is the embodiment of cold and evil and she found the book interesting and somewhat “enlightening”. While her and I were like night and day to each other, I learned a lot for her, and to this day, I am very sad that we lost touch. She never judged me on my views, never wagged a finger for me being more Light or Dark, but rather, she understood I had my ways and only tried to open my eyes to new things. In fact, she is one of the few people I know whom I can say actually held “true power” when it came to “The Force”. Still, while I could never be her apprentice, the things she said still stick to me, the lessons she tried to teach me still swirl in my head from time-to-time, and now, reading this book, maybe I too will find something worth blogging about and adding to my many writings as something of a lesson.

The Satanic Bible is more for my religious studies. I have read it once before, but, that was a PDF and I really hate reading things on my computer screen. It’s much more satisfying to have a book in my hand and to be flipping pages.

So lastly…going to lessons, I have started on Meditation 101 at IJRS.
I’m still trying to do courses, and while they are going very slowly, I am doing them nonetheless. While I had already started on Spirituality, that requires me to watch the Star Wars movies, and I not only have lost interest (for now), I won’t be watching the movies again until closer to the release of the new movie coming out this year. Also, meditation is something I already practice. So it makes more sense.

My meditation techniques have become ‘rusty’ to say the least.
Changes in my life have changed my core, changed my ‘Void’. No longer do I enter the dark side of my void in dark robes and makeup…now when I enter, I enter in the form of a red wolf.

Baal Wolfmaker Wyndbain

This red wolf’s path is blocked by giant vines lined with thorns…and no matter how I might try to tear through them, where one breaks, three more vines take over. the wolf itself is myself as “EshBa’al” thus the horns, and the chains around her connect in her chest where her heart is. The black spots on the wolf are my flaws and imperfections that I wear proudly, the scars are from obstacles I had to overcome in my spiritual journey. The white pattern on the face is a skull, representation of worship of the creature which is bound to my soul…my spirit-guardian Ba’al.

This change in form comes as I have finally become open about being a Furry. It was something I hid while I was with Taz because she thought it was ‘weird’ and yet, she, like so many others placed the Furry Fandom as something more ‘perverted’. She thought that furries were freaks that dressed in animal suits to commit sexual acts and that’s not how it is. But, she was never one to try and understand and once she had an idea of something, it just stuck.

But, with this new relationship, I am now able to break free. I am able to be myself…and I can finally free the beast inside…so my void reflects that and shows what I consider my true dark-side form.

But, as I mentioned, I have been blocked by my void, so, I’m hoping what I learn in Meditation 101 can help me overcome this. I blame it on a lack of concentration, I also don’t have my beads which aided me so often before (I think they got lost in my household goods somewhere).

I already finished the intro and will be doing at least the next part some time this week. Hopefully the instructor checks their page often enough that I can know when to move on with the next lesson.

But, that’s all the updates I have for now…
Hopefully I will have more to write about soon.