Archive for August, 2014

The Storm

Posted: August 15, 2014 in Asking Advice?, Meditation

Last week there were a lot of storms raging about…lightning that would flash every 20 seconds or so, and I took it as a reflection of my inner turmoil. There have been many things on my mind, and, I have found that when a storm brews within me, then the elements around me seem to react. This is not unusual for it has happened ever since I was very young…but, fearing the lightning and the thunder as I always have, I took to my bed and tried to find that meadow where I can see ‘him’. I tried to get to my safe haven.

Where the meditation usually drops me on some higher stepping stones in which I must climb down to in order to reach a slender path, I found my body floating in the river. The same river where I once fought the meditation instructions and, rather than focusing on the sun, I had jumped into the water for some cool relief, feeling the water about me. But this time, in this new, darkened meadow and forest of thorns, I floated about the water on my back, listening to the sound of thunder as a storm rolled in closer and closer. The water lapped about my ears and soon there were small raindrops falling on my face. But this feeling of being weightless, surrounded by water was relaxing, soothing…and it eased my fear of this storm, it gave me time to analyze things and really try and get behind why I was feeling the way that I was.

I tried taking everything as a symbol, or  a sign. Here I was floating about the water in my more Sithian form. The dark robes weighing me down, a reflection of my life…of the things constantly trying to drag me under and yet somehow I always manage to stay afloat. There were the darkened skies…this was the feelings of confusion, of being lost, not knowing what will happen, not knowing where to go, the skies were thick with clouds of insecurities and questions that cannot be answered in this place or at this time. Then the thunder…the thunder was my reaction to these insecurities, the blind rage and panic that came with not knowing, of having a blindfold on, of not being able to have a plan because the future is ever-changing.

Then at last as I floated around, finally being able to see what was going on in this world due to what was happening in the reality I had left behind in my bed, lightning struck the water…and I began to sink.

The bolt struck me right in my heart…it was a reflection of love.

What is love? Someone asked me to describe this the other day and I knew that at the time, I was not up for the challenge, because, as he had mentioned, truly explaining love is impossible. Still, the lightning gave me a start…

Love is powerful and beautiful, but just as it is both of those things so can it be very destructive. But, it can also be used in a constructive manner even when it puts someone in a negative situation. Still, as I sunk into the depths below, watching the air escape past my lips and float to the surface, love came to my in another way…through memories. Windows appeared in this underwater graveyard, windows peering into a different reality, into the past, into dreams…all of them showing me what love means to me.

Love is talking to a stranger for 8 hours each day, losing track of the time, and your face hurting because you were smiling so much and did not even know it. Love is losing your insecurities to someone you know wil never look down on you for anything you do, for the way you look, for the way you act, they only want you as you are and nothing else.
Love is traveling to a thrift shop in the middle of the day and laughing as the other person sits on an old-butt massager just because she can. Love is traveling to a bridge in the middle of winter, trying to be romantic, but turning back because it is too cold and laughing because it was still a beautiful moment anyways.

Love is driving through high winds and rain for two hours, just because the other person is sad and needs someone to lay next you…even if you dont have the money, you just drive as fast as you possibly can because you know that you need to be by her side. Love is traveling to another Country even when nothing is being promised to you just because you know you cannot live another second without being able to see that smile.
Love is when you count down the days to that next hug, that next kiss, that mext adventure….whether it be traveling, can-hunting, or just sitting inside and watching movies. Love is knowing that you would not take all the money or power in the entire universe in exchange for one of those very small but very precious moments because they are priceless. Those are just a few things that love are…and the thing is, as I sunk deeper, I could have listed more, and more, and more.

Eventually there came a point where I must have hit the bottom of the lake, but it seems like time had stopped. I could no longer hear the storm, the rain, or even see the lightning…all had gone dark. When at last I came to, I was still in the forest, only this time, I was in the clearing with ‘him’ in his skeletal form, with a fire burning to keep me warm, my clothes soaked to the bone, and it brought me to the second reason of why I had come here.

Long as my guardian has been with me ans had made himself known (which is almost going on 2 years now, maybe longer) I have wondered who he is (really) and it what way him and I are connected. The thing is, this guardian feels like he is not an observer, not just a visitor but is something linked to my soul. He does not speak in words but in images, and even though he is a stranger, it always feels like I know him…on a personal level and even on an intimate level.

There have been a few visits to this meadow where I will admit to instances of intimacy with this spirit, this being. From him I can feel a power both light and dark, something endless and eternal…and these instances only happen when I allow them, though he proposes them often, I decline him because I need to know who he is and what he wants, but he never tells me.

Though…he has started answering to the name Ba’al. So that is a start? Either way, he stayed silent as I asked my questions, got frustrated and  yelled at him, and when I turned him down for an ‘instance’ he shunned me back to my bed and I was closed out for the rest of the night.