Archive for January, 2014

Recently I was given a writing from Mortose and I said I would meditate upon the questions that the writing posed. I have not really had the time to take long-periods to meditate over such things, but, I have had the chance to briefly ponder over the writing…the questions, what certain things mean to me, and I think now I can begin to give something of an answer.

Here is the writing that was given to me:

Draco Mortose

Are we soldiers? Do we march in long lines for those things we believe in? Do we believe in anything enough to hold up it’s banner and proclaim it to the sleeping world? What do we fight for? I write here of the “Lords” and the “Masters” of the dark path. What do we march for? Do we march? What do we fight for? What would we die for? I can only answer these questions for myself, as this path takes different turns and is traveled differently for all who walk it.

Do I march? I can say that yes… I do. I do carry a banner and march through the sleeping wastes of what claims itself dark. I do seek to prove to those I see as fools that they are wrong… and there I have said it. “Wrong”, as if I know the sole “right” on this path. How utterly arrogant of me! So… Now, yes I still march but I do so to my own destination and for my own answers.

What do I fight for? Answers. I fight for my answers, to understand all I have experienced. To understand it so I can better use it. For what though? What can I better use it for? I can better use it to grow and accomplish those things I desire to accomplish. What do I desire to accomplish? Everyone wants personal power… Power over others. Well… Most do. So I want that but I also want this to be my last time around, my last existence as an incarnated being. That is a more difficult goal though, so I begin with understanding the dark. I crawl before I walk, then… I run… and then, I leap.

What would I die for? I would die in the attempt to get those things I desire. I would die following my passions. But for? Nothing! There is nothing that moves me enough to die for it as of yet. Now… Am I a soldier? No. I am not. I am an agent, one who uses deception, stealth, cunning and other facilities to get what I desire.

This writing is very interesting to me…because, being someone of balance, my wants and needs are not as selfish as that of other Dark Lords. Where many want Power, Answers, and etc. I want the simpler things…the things that are more light-sided that bring me joy and happiness.

So…is there something out there in which I believe in so strongly that I would carry a banner for it, proclaim it as my truth, and march in its name? As of right now? I am really not sure. While at one point during my time at SA I would have gladly held their banner and proclaimed it as truth in order to awaken the sleepers from their watered down truth of what reality really holds, I have no such allegiance to anything anymore…

But, if there was one thing in which I believed in, and one thing which I would march for, and do anything for, it would be Love. Love as emotion, drives me…it gives me my passion, helps me shape my ambitions, and I cannot see a world without it. Whether love of family, love of Country, love of self, or love of another…this world would be nothing without love. Not that  think anyone would ever speak out against it…but, if there was one thing I march for and constantly bring up in my writings as my fuel, my drive, and sometimes a hindrance in my growth, love would be it. Love would be what I would fight for, love is what I would march for, love is what I would be a soldier for…

It’s nothing spiritual…it’s nothing dark…it’s nothing greedy as it is only sometimes a thing of selfish desires. I’m not really sure this was what this writing really called for as far as answer…and the answer I give really tells nothing of how this applies to me with a balanced path…

It’s just that, I am not yet learned enough in The Force (or with my personal truth defined enough) in order to answer this question in-depth and with certainty. Meditating on such a thing would only wield the same answers. So, for now…we leave the question here…and we shall revisit this at a later date I am sure.

As long as it is here so that I will not forget it.


ravenus_200^^Darth Ravenus ^^

How many know this man? How many know where he stems from…what he accomplished, his dreams, goals, passion, and etc?

The funny thing is…this person used to have real ambitions and what I considered real power. He was a Darth at Sith of my first Masters, and he gave me insight into what he thought a true Sith should be.

Granted…I have done a lot of awakening lately into what the Dark Side is, what it includes, and what the real view of Sithism is. I am still trying to work out some of the kinks…but, the more I study, and the more I delve into the Dark Side again, the more I am happy that I left the SA because their views could not have been farther from the truth, and, once they abandoned that vision of Endarkenment…there was no hope left for them.

Anyways…Ravenus was always the stern type. He took no excuses for anything, and he would attack anyone that showed the slightest hint of emotion (as in things like sympathy or doubt)—he called these attacks “debates” and used them to strengthen his Members, make them defend themselves on their views even if they were in the wrong. For the Sith sticks to their view until their dying breath rather than admit defeat, right?

Ravenus was always telling me that I was too emotional…but I never lost my temper with him, I never took his attacks personally, never took the bait when it came to his debates—I merely stated my opinion and told him that if he did not like it, then he could basically go somewhere else and take someone else’s word for it. He found that quality fascinating in me.

This was a man whose words were always full of such wisdom, and, when he attacked someone, he did it in such a way that it was highly insulting, but still came off as respectful and very…intelligent. It was like even the biggest of lies came out as truth when he said them; he was a wizard of words as was I, and this was why our relationship was so strong.

But, it would seem that, just as Imperius failed us and trailed away from the wise and all-knowing Prophet that we all knew…so has Ravenus fallen and gone to a place where none may save him. Now rather than sound like the intelligent soul that he used to…he lashes out like an angry and hormonal teenager who just got grounded for the weekend and hates everyone. You can tell that everything out of his mouth is nothing but a steaming pile of shit, and no one believes a thing that he says.

His insults are like the trailer-park version of a poorly written rap battle. So, why do I bring this up now?
It’s because the sorry sap found me at “Order of the Sith”. I’m not sure whether someone else reported seeing me there, or whether he just joined the site to plant more Memes…but he was there, and he attacked me, lashed out at me with this pathetic jumble of words which had me laughing for the longest time.

Here is what I wrote as my introduction:

Well…you may call me Larken. That is a first.

I guess the best place to explain myself is to tell you where I have been and the things that I have learned. I came across the ways of the Force Users about 2 years ago. I spent some hard and dedicated time in Jedi-Realism where I was learning at IJRS (Institute of Jedi-Realism), taking their courses, and slowly figuring out that there was still something missing in my Path. I was also at TOTJO off-and-on, though I have never done any of their courses.

When I came to Sithism the first time, it was more or less as something of a spy. I thought that by looking into Sithism and learning how they did things I would be some “super hero” of the Jedi. But, my Masters merely laughed at me and said that the Dark Side was no threat to them, they just did not want people to head down that path as it was a selfish one. As I learned more about Sithism…I became somewhat ‘addicted’ to it. I was breezing through courses with a passion I had never discovered while doing things for IJRS…and I then accepted that maybe the Dark Side was where I had always been meant to be.

I started my Dark Side training at Sith Academy.
Some people may laugh and point fingers…but at one point in time, they did have a plan and were doing things in accordance to something that could even be called Divine. I believed in their mission and their instruction, and through them, I quickly excelled in the Dark Side— then through missions and such, I was quickly promoted several times until I reached the rank of ‘Lord’ among them (which is one step below Darth which is then the highest you can get on that site). I was an instructor in Religious studies and had Apprentices of my own. It was when Sith Academy took a very bad turn that I knew they had strayed from their Path, had changed directions, and would soon lead their old dreams into the dirt. I left.

I was not the only one who left…and those who were loyal to me and to the other Masters and Lords who had true passion and ambition made a new home (TOTSO). There I was High-Lady and part of the Council of Nine. The site was only open for a short period of time while we tried to build up the curriculum. Sad that it fell apart before it could become something…but it did. Now I have come here to continue my learnings in the Dark Side and perhaps even share what things I know with others.

I guess the last thing I would say about myself is that I never gave up on Jedi-Realism, and still learn through it today. Guess you would call me a “Grey Aspect” Force User…so a Shadow Jedi or Light Sith.

If there is anything in particular you want to know, feel free to ask. I look forward to what all this place has to offer and what I will come to learn in the future.

Darkness be with you.

This is what I wrote when someone asked me about Sith Academy:

Imperius originally had a plan towards Endarkenment…in showing people the reality of the world in which they were living. He wanted all to become one power, to become strong so that we might build a powerful Empire that could stand up to the Forces of the universe in which he felt would descend upon us soon. He believed that people wore a mask to hide, and he wanted to remove that mask…I believed in this, I agreed with this…and I came to Sithism to develop power so that I could not only defend myself, but protect those that I love and give them the skills to defend themselves too.

Some of their tactics could be a little harsh and out there…but most of the crazy stuff said on that site were not brought on by the 2 Darths themselves…but were brought up by the many different Acolytes running around.

A lot changed…Imperius went missing for awhile, and when he came back, he freaked out. He said that Sithism had become a cult (we already knew this because of how he let people run the place) and that he did not want this lifestyle to be that way. He said his vision of Darth Omega was a lie (which we knew)…but whereas we believed that he had believed the vision enough to make it a reality, in his post, he decided he was just going to throw away the whole concept which had started Sith Academy, and rebuild it from the bottom up. He was getting rid of our philosophy and our dream. Everything we had worked towards was being wiped. The Master’s Groups disappeared…Apprentices were taken from one Master and given to another. The website moved to a more cooperate-thing where it was all about big business and taking money from the higher-ups…and that’s not why I joined.

When they asked me to help with the Council, I knew I could not lead them because The Force…it IS my religion. I don’t care about CEO’s or taking over big names. I don’t care about stocks or investments…I believe in that spiritual-aspect of what I though Sithism was and could offer me in terms of self-betterment. So, they called me weak, but I left them a blog explaining my beliefs…I told them I hoped they turned things around, and I left.

Nowadays there are rumors that they deal in free sex, pedophlic-suggestions, and are selling some drug on the market called the “Kryat Dragon”. I was tempted to go back in order to investigate this…but I would rather not get involved lest someone crack down on them and then act like I am in the ring.
But truly was a place for advancement for one time.

It was true that they often gave people power that did not deserve it…
It is also true that they had so many different things mixed into it, that it was its own form of Sithism that would not really be recognized by others because it was practically a Sith Zoo to those not on the inside…bu it was my first Sith home where I earned everything I got.

This is what Ravenus wrote me:

The World is Mine!

Postby Ravenus » Sat Jan 25, 2014 2:00 pm

Get a counselor-LaRkEn!

I’m sure that there is a rather good one or two in Germany somewhere.

In my personal experience of living over there for several years, the best shrinks of the world are German and at times Austrian.

But keep this in mind, search out a Jungian psychiatrist or psychologist who can speak our language and pull out that Yahweh God meme out of your Gangster head!

And if you have a physical problem, then take a bullet train to Gay Paree!

In my experience of living in Moscow for several years and having to deal with numerous problems of armoring and strengthening my own body—the French physicians of that city and Paris were the only ones who were able to take my dying body and make it Immortal!

And for the record, I knew that you were a female when you first joined Sith Academy. You couldn’t fool me and my 3rd dead eye. Maybe you should take a break for a minute or two before you read the following truth. I told Lord Imperius to keep it quiet about what I felt about you and if we were lucky, then you could become his next new girlfriend.

That’s right, Imperius likes girls, and they have to be Straight.

Straight to bed!

The same goes for you Mortose and how I knew that you were a female from the very beginning. How Pathetic! U Sith Cats are only good for one thing, and that is to land on your feet, no matter how I throw or toss you about. Get up and out of your chair Mortose, and hear this warning straight from my mouth. And don’t take it the wrong way this time around. We all know that you have a checkered history at SA of getting your feelings hurt every now and then. But you are, let’s say for the time being, an 85percent dark beast and I’ll give you the respect for it. The 100 percent beast or rather monster lives in Prague and he belongs to me. So hands off! A final piece of advice and rather polite warning to you and your slaves: Keep up or get Lost!

Oh Fuck it! Let’s TMI this Sith Joint with a few other details from the SA Bunker.

Imperius and I are getting into the motion picture business, that only the Big Boys of this world can dream about. In about 7 hrs. from now, we are going to mingle with some rich Jews straight out of Hollywood. They and others have taken an interest in us and our desire to write up and maybe produce the next Billion Dollar ‘Star Wars’ movie. Quite frankly, Imperius & myself plan to wake up this fucking planet!

But know this little-monster in the making and prepare yourself to hear it: Ravenus & Imperius will be living in San Francisco on the top of Nob Hill in less than 5 years. I predict here and now!

And you LaRkEn, the Sith of the world and perhaps some of that Jedi trash, who may be biting at our heels, may wonder why Imperius and myself are moving to San Francisco.

READ & MEMORIZE: Because that’s where all Rich Gay Men go to Die!

Note: Don’t expect me to respond to you anytime soon in this place or anywhere else on the Big Brother and Slum Internet of all modern times! As far as I’m concerned, and can’t really speak for Imperius right now, you need to learn “Patience.” Something that you and the few ‘Sith Dog Pounds’ of the world do not and will never have.

And get a Bitch, maybe a Dyke on a Bike!

FYI: The nice ones around here are the first ones to get picked off!



Quote: Be careful working with others, they may take you down with them~R

…and lastly, my response to his nonsense:

Well that made no sense whatsoever…and honestly, it show how low you have really fallen.
The Ravenus that I knew spoke with wisdom and insight…his insults were filled with power and did not even have to be direct insults because they were laced with the truths that hurt. All I get from you now is an old man with the mind of an angry teenager spewing whatever word comes to mind first…and it’s sad, because somewhere deep down, I might have still had a shred of respect for you.

Again though…you have taken to lies. If you knew I was a woman all along (which there was no way that you could have), then you would not have been so surprised when I revealed it to you. Also, the SA is not a dating site. If Imperius wanted himself a girlfriend so bad, he could have left his bedroom and gone and found one.
What part of Hollywood and Money is SITH? This is not the vision we had of Endarkenment…this is not the vision we had of empowerment. This is just about greed…and obviously for you, it is about sex or something? I have no idea because you are babblling, and listen to your typing in my head was an absolutely horrendous experience.

You sit there and act like my feelings were hurt all the time…but you know that is not true. I was promoted because you were constantly trying to hurt my feelings, trying to insult me, and I never gave in…and it impressed you, thus why you gave Venger and I so many responsibilities and wanted us to help lead SA to our goal, our dream, and our moment of glory.
I have patience…which is the only reason I stayed with SA as long as I did. I have patience because rather than to think all SITH were like the creatures at SA, I decided to reach out and truly determine what Sithism is because SA does not have a single idea about this lifestyle and religion which is The Force.

Can SA be considered Paganism?
…sure. A cult? Definitely—but Sith? No…

Go play the spoiled brat elsewhere Ravenus…and stop trying to pin people on things that are untrue just because you have lost your sense of self AND your Path.


So…who really needs the counselor here?

New Goal: Holocron

Posted: January 23, 2014 in Asking Advice?, Uncategorized

I have been on a few Force sites…been to the different Temples and Institutes, and while I am still new in the ways of The Force, I feel as though I have learned a lot that I have stuff that I can easily share.

Things like finding my personal truth and path…the wrong way of doing things, stuff I have lacked in the past but fixed/corrected. Maybe some thoughts that have changed over time and why.

I guess that by definition, this blog could be considered something of a Holocron. But, I really feel as though I am in that right spot to begin writing one, to share my experiences, my learnings, my practices. I want to make it something formal, something special…and I have made it into something of a new goal, something to eventually complete before this life comes to an end.

Again, this is just another random post and update, but I figured it was somewhat important enough that it could be put here for others to see 🙂

Either way I am open to thoughts and advice on how best to go about this? Templates and forms on what works best and goes over as more professional and profound…

Back in the balance of things.

Posted: January 23, 2014 in Uncategorized


I recently completed a course at IJRS and it has me feeling very accomplished. That, and, with the scripting of Force Talk going on, I have been motivated to get back into the balance of being that Grey Aspect of the Force User.

I have been browsing multiple Forums as of late…none that expect a great deal of work out of me, but enough that I have multiple resources at my fingertips for when I need them. Also, because I wanted more resources than just a shadow of SA for my talk on Sithism (when I get around to it via my YouTube Channel), I finally took up the offer to join “Order of the Sith” where I could once again delve into the Dark Side.

Not only that…but there is another ally in the Dark Side that reached out to me recently. For awhile he had gone back to SA and was asking me back…promising my title (if not a position that was higher) and promising me that things had changed. With the fall of TOTSO, this offer was rather tempting…but after replying back to this ally (he had mailed me over 6 months prior), he got back to me and told me that he had left SA again and to never go back. Supposedly the site has fallen further than it ever did before…offering free sex, pedophilic suggestions, and supposedly, the members are selling something known as the “Kryat Dragon”…a new type of drug that is supposed to pull others to their cause via addiction (and they are obviously making profit from this). I wanted to do some investigations, but, I know that it is best not to even become associated again with those heathens and fools, so, I just pray they get what is coming to them for shaming the name of The Force and the Dark Side…and also for hurting others through their greed and quest for an evil type of power.


The only other thing that has been new is that there is a neutral Force known as the Je’daii — supposedly a mixture of both Light and Dark teachings that also offers something completely new and unique to The Force. While I was asked to join long ago, I only recently registered on the board, and have not had the time to really read through everything because of work and my interests lying elsewhere. Still, because I am working on multiple boards with multiple teachings and etc…there might be a lot more posting on here.

I’m not even sure what this blog is for other than addressing my concerns and posting personal beliefs. I think I might move things from my old Sith blog here as well so that others might gain insight to me, the way I work, and the things I have learned.

Until next time then.
Force be with you.

Force Talk and etc.

Posted: January 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

…starting off with the title…I began a YouTube Channel called “Force Talk”. As I have mentioned before, I often find myself struggling to get motivated when it comes to Jedi-classes and etc. Since this is one of the challenges I wanted to overcome so that I might attain my goals, I started this “Force Talk” Channel because it is something I like to do.

I like recording, like video editing…I like interviewing people and putting others’ thoughts into perspective. Another reason that I decided to do this is also because there are a lot of stereotypes that surround alternative religions in general…but, Force Users really take the cake. Being something that was originally based off of a set of movies…this religion is generally something that is not taken seriously (at least, not outside of people that have tried it out and/are still involved), it more or less comes off as a joke.

People in the military often put down that they are “Jedi” just to be funny and to fuck around with the people stamping their tags. I have heard of it happening more than once. People tend to believe that we sit around in robes trying to move object and pretend like we own real lightsabers and will then go and save the galaxy. People think we are delusional and have no life…never grew up and moved out of mother’s basement…I guess. I also figure that because there are so many “fake” Jedi Temples too (people who are role-players and only pretend they are Jedi for pure sake of the fandom), I also wanted to make this Channel to become informative towards people who might be interested in The Force and what it has to offer.

All-in-all, I think this Channel will be good from separating truth from myth, and it will help guide those who have felt The Force reach out to them. I think it will also bring us closer as a Community, and it might even go so far as to show we are a serious religion that should be more recognized.

Scripting for the first few episodes are still being done, so, nothing has been recorded yet…I will eventually be setting up interviews and etc. as we go through and talk about different Temples and Institutes online…and that will be fun. Just wanted to throw that out there though so that people might finally see what I have been up to.

On another note…I’m still working on that positivity-thing. I have found that my temper and moods have been improving when I take the time to just breathe and try and see all the positive things rather than the negative. Obviously…when you are fighting with someone who only sees the negative…using a 100% positive outlook is like fighting fire with gasoline…and it only makes things worse because it comes off like the positive person is completely missing the negative person’s point-of-view, and that leads into a different battle (I learned this the hard way).

I’m still trying to be more healthy…but getting rid of soda is something I do not want to do. I will change my foods. Already I am eating Yogurt with pure oats and dried fruits for breakfast, and then light stuff for dinner. But yeah…I seriously need my caffeine. Especially when I have early shift.

I will start a new Jedi class soon…but I’m not sure whether I should take time for Force 101 or Meditation…whichever one I could spend the least amount of time per night on would be my person preference atm.

I will have to look at the course books and see. Still…that’s all I have for now.


Posted: January 12, 2014 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long

Personal 101

Lesson 12 — Telling your Story


For your final assignment, you are going to tell your story.

But, instead of telling it as you did earlier, challenge yourself to tell a story that supports the change and growth you want to see. Let it inspire you, the Jedi student learning to walk the path before them. You can take more time with this assignment, but try to complete it within two weeks. You will not have completed the class until I receive this assignment.

After reading my first story, I am almost at a loss of what to say. While the first ‘telling of my story’ semi-described me, it was mostly looking at my past, showing the things I have overcome and the things that I still want to overcome. I noticed that the questions asked were “Who are you physically, mentally, and spiritually’…so I think it would be best to go with that format.
Obviously, from the last assignment, we know that I am not my past…I look at the past lovingly because it was all based on learning experiences and obstacles that I overcame, but it does not hold a hindrance on me, it does not bind me, and it will never define me as long as I continue to grow and to change.

So who am I?

Physically I am still working to attain my fitness goals. Germany has made me a lot more active in the fact that I have to walk everywhere. I have to walk to get to work, I have to walk to get groceries. I have no car, no bike, and therefore I walk…over 10 hours of my day (if I work) is spent walking. While I still have a lack of motivation, there are days where I sit and work on driving myself, really making myself work out or do something because I want to look nice, I want to feel nice. I know that I have gained a lot of weight since coming to Germany, and this is something I am looking to change. Already  I have started changing my diet, looking into exercises I can do in my own home…it’s a start. Last year I also started doing some Yoga on certain weekends. I am just trying out things right now, still working on discovery what works best with me, with my schedule, and etc. But, I have decided that when I go back to the States, I will pick up Airsoft again on a more serious basis and I even want to pick up more Yoga and possibly archery.

Mentally…mentally I have changed so much. I am not the person I was over a year ago when I started making these posts. I remember that I came to this institute unsure of what I was getting myself into. I know that I was really pumped to find a path that worked for me, and I made t sound like this path was going to stick with me…but, in my head I thought it was going to be just like Wicca and that I would eventually leave this place and never come back. Back then, I was not strong mentally. One little thing could dissuade me from doing something important. I would make any excuse NOT to do something just because there were other things that were holding my interest at the time. But, mentally I have become stronger. Yes, I decided to delve into the Dark Side and learn under the Sith for awhile. At first I joined just because I was curious and was going to spy for the Jedi…but then, I started to become interested in what they were teaching. I realized that they (the Sith) were not really villains…they were just selfish. They wanted self-empowerment, self-mastery over every aspect of themselves. It’s what I had wanted from the beginning. Sure, their methods were more harsh and they were less understanding of emotions…but I rose in the ranks rather quickly with them, and it seemed I excelled at many things. Whereas one year ago I had no idea what The Force really was and was just starting to delve into meditations, Yoga, and trying to focus what little power I had…today I have knowledge in both the Light and Dark Sides of The Force. I have done several meditations and the results get greater with each try. I still struggle with getting my thoughts together and focusing at times, but that is something I am working on…

I also started chanting mantra, strengthening my memory, strengthening my mind, it gives me power physically and mentally, and thus I believe that, in this area I have excelled above others though I still have a long way to go. I want to continue to learn under Jedi and expand my knowledge of The Force and its workings. I still plan to learn enough and earn enough that I can achieve Knighthood here.

Spiritually…well, it’s somewhat the same as what I was saying mentally. Last year I came in here with the goal of achieving Knighthood in less than 2 years. I looked at the courses, figured that it would be easy, and for awhile, I was on my way to greatness. I was just starting to connect with The Force…and while it still seemed like a foreign (and slightly scary) entity to me that I did not fully understand, I knew that, if I stuck to this Path, in the end I would be in tune with the Universe as well as I am in tune with my own body. We all know how this ended up…I started lacking the motivation to continue on this Path because I felt like there was something missing. Same with what had happened when I attempted Wicca…there was something missing, and I did not agree with all the ideals that were given to me. In the end, I ran off to the Dark Side to learn under them…as their beliefs more closely matched my own. But, with their teachings alone, there was still that hole in my chest, still that crater in my Path, and that’s when I decided to create my own truth. Mixing my teachings from the Light and Dark Sides of The Force, I decided to call myself a Shadow Jedi or Light Sith…the Grey Aspect of The Force and the balance between the two sides. I considered this Path more realistic for me, and it just seemed to make sense. I was aligned to no one Temple and no one Master or etc. I was just ‘me’…and that’s what I had been striving for all along. A sense of completeness and something that made me feel whole.

I’m not saying that just because I found something that made me feel whole that I am done growing…that I am done learning or exploring my options, because that is in no way true. Same as we continue to learn something new every day, I continue to grow every day, learn from the different Paths, and keep developing upon the one I am on now. I personally believe that it will be a long day from now when I have learned all that I think I need and feel 100% enlightened and connected to my personal truth (if that day comes at all). So…spiritually, I am still evolving, still changing, still learning, still exploring. Spiritually I am still a book with a lot of blank pages just waiting to be filled…and The Force has stuck with me, it has chosen me to continue down this path no matter how wobbly or worn it may get at times.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that…I am different now than I was back one year ago, and my story cannot be told because it is nowhere near finished yet.


Posted: January 12, 2014 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long

Personal 101

Lesson 11 — You are not your past.

I found this lesson to actually be very enjoyable as I feel like this is an area where I do not have so much trouble. While others might look into their past and despair over things that they did, I have such moments, but always fixed them as soon as I learned there was a problem. Rather than look back at my past with regret, I often look back at my past very lovingly…so I found that I oftentimes did not find as much hindrance as other people might…as it is the fear of my uncertain future which oftentimes holds me back from something and not the other way around.

For this week’s discussion, do you believe you are capable of change?

—I am always capable of change. I never stop changing. There might be times where I feel like I have come to a standstill,  but it never stays that way for long. I am sure that I could change any aspect of myself…it’s just about having the motivation and willpower to do so (something that I always seem to lack and that I am working to improve upon).

To what extent?

—As I mentioned above, I never stop changing, so there really is no answer for how ‘much’ I could change or to what ‘extent’ because the possibilities are truly limitless when you start breaking down those walls and really learning from your mistakes. I can easily say I am not the same person I was last year, and I am FOR SURE not the person I was 4 years ago. It just depends on how much you want to change and if you can truly come to a point where you no longer feel the need to change, to improve, or to ‘grow’.

For instance, do you believe you can change some things, but not others?

—There are some things that I often feel that I have no control over…such as my willpower, motivation, and things like my paranoia and insecurities. While I know that there is some way to control these things, I have yet to figure them out to change them, though I try very often. I have used ways to try and persuade myself to do something…even used rewards and etc. As far as tackling my paranoia and insecurities…I have done my best to try and live day-by-day, soak up all the positive things that happen to me and try to mentally ‘block’ out all the things that scare me and prevent me from indulging 100% in the moment.

What about others, do you believe other people can change?

—I firmly believe that other people can change, but, they have to be ‘willing’ to change. If someone is not willing to change then they have halted their growth as said in the lesson. They have basically told themselves: “I have always been this way and always will be.” And thus they have given up any effort to change and will not change until they finally decide that they want to be a different and better person.

Do you expect it, or do you expect they will remain who they are?

—I personally expect all people to change because change is just part of life. You make mistakes and are supposed to learn from them…you might make the same mistake 5 or 6 times, but eventually you get the hint and stop what you are doing, change the behavior, and therefore change yourself. For an example…when I was younger, I would do anything for attention. I went so far as to injure myself and threaten suicides because I was SCREAMING for someone to notice me and just talk to me, just a little. This worked…but in a very negative light. Soon people were talking to me, but with caution…they feared me and feared what I would do to myself…and that’s not what I wanted. People even made fun of me and shunned me for being the ‘attention whore’, and some people still hold that against me today.

Basically I saw that this was the wrong way to do things…and I wanted people to see me for who I really was. Not some crazy, maniac kid that just wanted some friends…so, I literally wiped the slate clean. Reached out to people instead of sitting in the corner crying, and, if someone did not like me, I shrugged it off and moved on to someone else. I never did anything else to get attention in a negative way. I did the things I loved even if they seemed weird, and in high-school…people loved me, flocked to me, thought I was cool and unique. I learned from my mistake, from my past, and it helped me make a better future for myself.

For someone to NOT change and always retain who they are (if they are in a bad situation), it just does not seem natural. It’s like someone always driving their car into a pole (on purpose) even though they know it will damage their car and hurt them in the process. It just does not make sense. First time…okay it was a mistake. Second time, you should know better.

Are you disappointed when they don’t change, or are you surprised when they do change?

—I would have to say that it is both when it comes to this question. There are some people that I am very disappointed with when I see they have not changed. Loved-ones especially. You see them go through this life and really mess things up…they cry and say they will change and you really have hope for them, and then you see them doing all the same things and wondering why their life still stinks.  It’s people like that which really throw you for a loop and surprise you when they DO change because you have no way of seeing it coming.

I’m going to use Taz as an example again. Taz has a pretty bad temper. She gets mad over silly things and makes mountains into molehills when she gets really agitated over something. Well, I got used to her getting mad over small things, then stomping off and taking a nap. There was no talking, no nothing. Half the time, I did not even know what I did wrong and if I asked her what I did, she would just get more angry. A year or so later there came a time where she got mad over something and stomped off. I had learned to just leave her alone. Not even an hour later she woke up from her nap, sat me down, and she discussed why she was mad and how this could have been prevented. She admitted that it was silly of her to get mad, and rather than nod and accept her apology, I think I sat there dumbfounded for over three minutes because she had never told me these things before…never admitted to being wrong, barely apologized. Usually she got mad, went to sleep, and when she woke up we never talked about it and forgot it ever happened. It was an amazing development…and her temper has gotten better ever since. She is always surprising me with long and serious talks where she listens and doesn’t get frustrated…and it’s still so surprising because there was a point where I thought she was always going to be the same because it did not seem like she wanted to change.

 Sorry for the long example.



Choose an event from your past to look at and learn something from. It needs to be somewhat emotionally charged, but you don’t need to choose the most traumatic event to ever happen to you.

Try to view yourself in that time period with compassion and understand, rather than judgment. Can you better determine why a situation happened as it did, and how you could better handle a similar situation now?

Remember that you continue to gain new tools and under-standing as you train, which you did not have at that time. Write up as much as you feel com-fortable with regarding what you learned. In particular, how was the experience of looking at the past different when you consciously choose to release judgment?

— For this, I used my New Years incident that just happened.

It was New Years Eve and I went to Graf…to a bar with some soldiers and Taz. The Bar was packed and basically Taz sat at a table while I sat at the bar and mingled. At some point, there was a bottle of Hennessy being passed around. I took a big gulp of it and got cheers all around. It made me feel good, made me feel empowered that these people thought I was awesome and hot stuff.

I don’t drink often, and I had only been drunk twice before (not bad for social drinking often and being 22)—never threw up, never passed out, nothing serious. So, I had this idea that I was good handling my liquor. I guess it got to a point where this guy was asking me for a threesome with my girl. I kept turning down his offer in a nice way, was trying to keep my patience, and while we spoke rather calmly, I kept getting that bottle of Hennessy passed to me, where I would gulp down some more without paying attention and would then get more cheers.

I had polished off a whole bottle by myself before one of my friends told me to stop because he was worried for me. I had not started to feel the effects of the alcohol, but promised to stop, and I stopped drinking altogether as to better that promise.

…and that’s the last thing I remember.

The alcohol kicked in and 31 minutes after midnight I started spewing all over myself and all over the bar. I remember waking up in a van with a bag being held up to my face, dry heaving, and not knowing what was going on. Then I fell unconscious again. Next thing I know I am waking up and walking down the hall to Taz’s room being held up by 2 guys (I knew them). We get in the room and Taz is stripping me and cleaning all the vomit off of me. Then I am in a  shower being hosed off, and then I’m in the bed and telling Taz to keep the window open so that I don’t overheat and die.

The next morning I wake up and get to hear the horror stories of what I just 12 hours prior…I hear about how a doctor kept trying to feed me lemons and would squeeze one in my ear every time I fell unconscious to try and bring me back. It took 4 people to carry me out of that bar because I was dead-weight…and I guess at one point, I told Taz to forget about me to which she replied with a very loud, very mean: “FUCK YOU!”…but I deserved it.

When asked why I said that, I really had no answer other than my drunk self knew that I was embarrassing myself and had embarrassed Taz as well…so I just wanted to be left to my own devices so that she could run off and enjoy her New Years without having to worry about me. Even hearing these stories, I was red with embarrassment and fear because I could have easily died that night. I dunno.

All I know is that after that little incident I made a 2-drink limit for myself (unless it’s Mike’s or Disaronno  and Coke), I went home and dumped out the rest of the whiskey I had in my room. I told myself that I need to be more responsible and not be stupid just to impress people…and the next time I was offered shots and all sorts of drinks, I politely refused and drank a cola instead. Might seem like a silly example, but I was seriously ashamed of myself for what happened. But others assured me that it had happened to them too…everyone does it at least once, and that I just had to move on. I took them on their word, realized that I did not have to be that stupid person from New Years, and so, I changed it…changed me…and did it for the better.

Not I tell that story and laugh.