Archive for June, 2014

A name is just a name…and for days now I have known what I am supposed to be called, and furthermore I am starting to know why. But, there are still so many things which confuse me. It would seem that this last meeting with my Guardian had some people interested and others concerned. While I did not mention this to a lot of people…after the last meeting with ‘him’, Buffalo skulls started popping up everywhere.

Suddenly they were in every shop window, in news articles, they were in places where you normally would not see them. I mean, I live in a part of Germany where it a huge city surrounded by other huge cities…there are no fields, and there are not any buffalo anywhere to be found. Some had come to the conclusion that maybe my Guardian was not all that he seemed before, and I agreed…but not in the same sense. I always knew that my personal guardian had another side…but because I was shielding my darker half, so too did he shield his. As one spirit and one mind, we mirrored each other. So, when I went off my own to study the Dark Side, he let me be as, I was not seeking his guidance and therefore he was not offering it.

Still…as someone who comes from a Wicca background, I was starting to look more into what my Guardian might be. I never looked very hard before, simple definitions of a ‘water buffalo’ seemed to make me content enough that I did not need to ask a billion questions…but after this last meeting, I was starting to wonder. As someone who used to praise the God and the Goddess, his looks and nature reminded me of Cernunnos or “The Green Man” // often attuned to nature and the Sun who was later cast as the demon: Ba’al when Christians pointed their finger in the way of Paganism and called it evil:

Still…I was not the only one who was thinking this as I received a PM with the following:

Been back to read your blog about the guardian encounter. Have to admit, it is pretty cool — and very consistent with how guardians tend to teach. By bringing you in ‘in the dead or winter/darkness’, he was throwing you off balance… from the warm and welcoming environment you were used to. Same with his appearance. That old duality bug.

Also a HUGE nod to the idea that ‘all is illusion’ — you and he looking ‘normal’ in the mirror while looking quite different in the moment. What we ‘seem’ is the illusion (mask) we wear when we go out into the world. Although the astral is a ‘purer’ place, it is also a place where one could easily slip on many other masks as the moment calls for — the guardians tend to work to make you understand that; once you strip that all away — there is the core ‘you’ — and THAT is the bit most worth getting to know.

For some reason, over the last few days, I keep thinking there is a connection between your semi Indian ‘Buffalo head’ and the Green Man — which would also make the ‘change’ to a barren, thorn filled surroundings more of a ‘jolt’ to the implied ‘friend of growing things’ motif.

Anyway… next time you talk to your guardian, he can confirm or deny any or all of this.

 

To which I then replied with this:

Going back to my Guardian…I too have been thinking about this as I started searching for my name in the realm of “Fire”…and the more I thought about him, the more that I too was thinking towards the Green Man (having come from Wicca before I found The Force). As I was thinking this, I started going off that path, but not entirely…still in the realm of the Green Man, but more in the realm of how he was christianized and made into something evil. Again, a duality, a deity of nature on one side, and a demon lord on the other side: I was thinking of Ba’al.

Ba’al was what the image of the Green Man became when Christians turned the finger towards Pagans and cast them as Devil Worshippers. Ba’al also means a lot of other things as well.
For example:
From Baal of Carthage who is identified with Titan Cronus and Saturn — solar diety also thought to be a lunar deity by some (duality), and god of the Brazier. Also known as the “Two horned God”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baal
• As literal fire, to cook or bake on (Exodus 12:8), or to refine metal with (Exodus 32:24).
• Literal fire, as instrument of destruction (Exodus 22:5, Joshua 11:6).
• Altar fire (Leviticus 10:1, Numbers 3:4).
• Supernatural fire pertaining to theophanies (Exodus 3:2, Nehemiah 9:12).
• The wrath of YHWH (Psalm 89:46, Isaiah 66:15).

Naturally I would think nothing of this…but the name Baal kept nagging at me and nagging at me. So, not only was Ba’al tied to a Titan who could either be lunar or solar, but upon further searching for Ba’al —- I found this:

// and suddenly the name Esh-Ba’al hit my like a lance in the ribs.

Esh-Baal —the fire of the idol or of the ruler // the fire kindled by my guardian. A guardian that knows life, but also knows death…the power of the earth to grow and the power of fire to destroy. I have never known his name…and now I wonder if it is Ba’al.

 

I am in no way disturbed about this…the news would not bother me as I know that Ba’al is a name of evil given to something that was (for the most part) something that was good. They gave Him the dark form he wears today as an evil, demon lord…but still, to think I might be his fire…be his…other soul? Mortal soul?

I would ask him about this…but I cannot reach him. The void has not been letting me in as if I have denied access for the moment until things become more ‘certain’ in my mind. I am feeling tested…but, over what?

I remember that every time I used to go to see my guardian (after my initial discovery of him via some simple meditations), we would always meet in a secret place. A part of the forest surrounded by life. It was always the same, a warm place…the part of the Fall Season where you start to wear long sleeves but it is not cold, the leaves are changing colors and begin to fall off of the trees.

Getting to him was a small walk down a path of large rocks. Listening to each footstep as it hit the ground, I would then always stop at the base of this path (as it went down a hill) to admire the small stream of water that was running, trickling to the lefthand side of this path and added for some very sweet tasting and fresh air…after admiring the water, I would then come to a curtain of willow vines, pushing them aside, and be on a small isle. It was surrounded by the stream/creek, the grass was soft. My Guardian would sit with a small fire crackling. He would never greet me, would never speak until I had sit down across from him.

I remember that it was always sunny or sunset but, never dark…several flowers bloomed here. This place was where I felt the most at peace.

Why bring this up?

Because recently, I decided that it was time to ask for his help…to seek him out for something other than my “Jedi” issues (usually discussing things like peace, patience, and understanding)…and what I found was a nightmare.

Entering that ‘state’ where I would find him…I found this forest in pure darkness. It was night, the moon was high, it lit my way…the stars were shining…but while this should have seen beautiful to me, it was unfamiliar, and, I started to get scared. As I walked down the path, I noticed that all the trees that were usually still lush with different colored leaves were dead…skeletal because they were so bare. Their trunks had been taken over by black vines sporting large thorns. Even the willow curtain was gone, and I had to push my way through thick roots just to see my guardian…and when I saw him, I froze in pure terror.

While normally my Guardian is a native-american man with a water buffalo head, this time, the head that was usually very much alive was very much not…a bleached buffalo skull with empty eye sockets gazed back at me, the teeth clacking in impatience as I stood there, unable to take my normal place across from him. A fire of purple flames blazed…and finally my guardian spoke to me.

He started making note of the recent choices in my life…how he had stepped aside to let me do as I please because I had not been in any position for him to step in and hold my hand. As a creature that is about balance (as a friend had pointed out to me), he existed in the both worlds and did not question my journey to the Dark Side, but rather, he congratulated me on it and encouraged this mission.

It was then that he brought up my recent decision to ‘take’ the Darth title for myself in Sithism and to start my own Temple. He knows that I am still learning, but, he pointed out by my frigid position that even as a Darth there is much fear in my heart and that I had much to learn. I merely told him I was shocked…I had never seen this side of him (meaning the skeletal being) to which he replied: “But you should have known because you said it yourself several times: there are two sides to everything.”

Then he went into something of a spiel…the nature that is considered Dark is often considered evil merely because it is misunderstood. While darkness can contain evil (which were like the thorns that had taken over the trees outside), most of the time, the fear of the Darkness comes merely from the fear of something that is unfamiliar, unknown, and therefore spawns fear and can occasionally then spawn things such as hate and assumptions leading to something being labelled as evil.

His words were wise…as a child I had often avoided many things, many opportunities for adventure or to explore merely because I was scared of what might be in there. The darkness used to produce images of demons, witches (before I understood what witches were), murderers, and other things that were force fed to me via urban legends and news from the media…still, now as an adult, I thought I had moved past that stage, past that stigma, and now I was feeling ashamed because I guess not.

My guardian then told me that he was going to show me something…but first, he had to ask: “Are you ready for the title in which you have taken? Is your power really sufficient to earn you this name? Why seek a dark name if you are not ready?”

To which I defended myself. I was ready, I had been ready…even with fear I was ready. Sure, I was still learning but it only proved the point that I had not become stagnant. I was still opening my minds to new powers, new things in which to make me great…to make my Temple of Atlas great, to help me rule my teachings, my followers, and etc…to command them as an Empress.

Then, he jumped me!!!

When I am having these visions, I see them as clear as a TV show, like watching a soap opera or so. When things like this get too scary or drain me too much, then my vision goes back to black (looking at the inside of your eyelids) and all I can hear is the noise. I do not know how to describe this point…my guardian, he pinned me and commanded I show him my power. I had not been prepared for this and I pulled at all my energies faster than I had ever pulled at them before. I almost started to cry because it was just…draining…terrifying. I was pushing so much energy that the soles of my feet begin to burn. I had been under the covers because I was cold, but now my body was so hot that my cheeks felt swollen and I was sweating. Even when my vision went back to the black…I could still see him, still see his outline in reds and purples within my vision, on top of me, pinning me down. I was almost too scared to open my eyes because no longer was his voice something that I merely heard in my mind but it was if he was sitting right there and whispering into my ear as I lay there with the lights off and my eyes closed.

I struggled against him for three minutes, using every bit of power I could muster, throwing up my shields trying to push him off…and then I just…stopped. I realized…he cant hurt me…

He came to me because we matched. He came to me because he wanted to help me. He came to me because in his plane we had become connected, we were one. That’s why every bit of energy I was using to get him off was not doing anything and it was only draining me more because I was ‘draining him’. Finally I mustered a thought, I single thought that made me grin: “I do not have to prove myself to you…I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.”

It was a moment of “You cannot define me, only I can define me.” to which my Guardian then relaxed and finally let go of me, walking back to his spot as the black faded…I could see the forest again, and he motioned me to come towards him. Walking nearer to him, I spotted a mirror. The mirror was not odd as it was always to the left of his being whenever I had met him before…but I guess, I had never bothered looking into said mirror, I just was not curious. My guardian told me that before looking into the mirror that I had come to him for something…that I was searching for a name. A name of power, a name representing my being, a true name.

He said that he could not outright give me my name…he could not reveal it as it was something he did not fully know himself. But, he said he could help me by showing me some signs of where I might go looking first. Usually when I look for answers to questions, my guardian opens his mouth and I stare inside the dark void which then shows me what I need to see. This time, it was the same…the bones cracked as they pulled themselves apart, and stared into the back of his throat which a void of darkness. Images started flashing before me…at first I saw eyes, yellow eyes, actually…eyes the color of old amber.

Then what I thought was metal. The color was like oil…it was sleek, black, but when turned it showed the rainbow of colors like oil in a water puddle does. Then I realized it was not any metal…but a helm. I knight’s helm that was being licked by a red flame.

When I finally the images ended and I pulled away, I went to look into the mirror. There, in that mirror…I saw a reflection: my guardian’s reflection was that of his normal form. In the mirror it was daytime, flowers were in bloom, and he looked like he always had…then, I saw myself, in my Padawan robes, hair braided, glasses off, lightsaber strapped to my side, and leather boots tied.

…but how did I look now? I went to look down at my hands…I got a hint of black metal and flame dancing across the surface: Was I that fiery knight? Then he sent me away, with a swipe of his hand, my guardian pulled me from his world, and I jerked out of my meditative and relaxing state. My chest hurt after that…and I could not sleep.

But what did it all mean? What is my name?