Archive for August, 2015

…well, it’s sad to say but the Taekwondo did not work out for me. It’s not that I did not want to do it, but, there were complications. As I mentioned before, they weren’t into individual teaching. Back when I was a kid, we had a Master who then had someone helping to come around and correct the children who were not getting something right. While this dojo was the same, well, the helper more or less stood there and never came over to help anyone unless the Master instructed her to do so, and she was more of a parrot, agreeing with everything the Master said and never making any observations of her own. Another thing I did not like? Well, is it right to say that customer service was an issue?

I paid the money and was supposed to have a uniform. I can understand that they might not have my size right away, but after saying that they were going to order it, almost 2 weeks later they still have not ordered it. I’m all for working out in my own clothes…but that’s more or less in the comfort of my own home. I am around parents and children and I stick out like a sore thumb. My clothes are old, and the gym shorts are the only ones I have. The last thing I need is something ripping when I’m out in public. Still, that was starting to be an issue for me as well was that I was not comfortable in these classes because I could not be uniform with the rest of the class, and, knowing that I was doing thing wrong (because they moved at such a fast pace), they still never stopped to correct me, and eventually, the place looked more like one big joke rather than an actual dojo.

There were no adults there (other than the Masters) so it’s not like I was bound to make any friends or meet anyone struggling like I was. All-in-all, my soul did not resonate with this place, and after awhile, I asked for my money back. It does not help that work cut my hours so badly that I’m not even scheduled for a shift this entire week. I know they have been slow, but no one told me the summers would be this bad. I never got a call back from a  call-service-center that I applied for. They would have given me a solid Mon-Fri job with decent pay, and I was really betting on getting it…another reason why I had to leave.

At this point, money is so tight that I needed the $130.00 for groceries and bills anyways, not to mention that while I am back searching on the job market, I need open availability.  It just was not going to work out this time.


But, in other news I started my Pilates kit today. The kit comes with 3 DVDs (Beginners, Advanced, and Core workout Pilates), 2 resistance bands, and flash cards of the different Pilates positions for those wanting to create their own routine. I started with the beginners tape which comes with 3 20-minute workouts on it. Needless to say, I’m in such bad shape that I only made it through one of the workouts in full, and then fell out of the second one 10-15 minutes in. I’m just not as flexible as I used to be, and making my legs straight is so hard. Not to mention, I have no strength in my arm, and my build is so heavy that its hard to hold me up.

In order to get more into the mood for fitness, my g/f had the idea of measuring ourselves. We measure our neck, arms, waist, thighs, and calves like they do in the Army. We made a chart for 4 weeks time to see if we are making any progress. for some odd reason, she prefers this method over having a scale in the house like other people. I think we should still be conscious of our weight, but, with her being so skinny, I don’t think she understands its importance like I do.

Still, it’s a good start towards a healthier lifestyle.


Last thing about being healthy…my girl and I have started taking vitamins every night.
You see, I’m having a problem with stretch marks. I have been heavy in the past, but I never got stretch marks that easily. Now I’m getting them in places I have never gotten them before, and I have been heavier than this with no stretch marks. We blame it on me not being as hydrated, and the climate making my skin more brittle. I have to take up moisturizing and such, and because of this, we have added vitamins to help aid in increasing my skin elasticity again. Not only that but we are taking flaxseed oil, fish oil, and other such things that help our bodies nourish itself. While her vitamins are focused more on her urinary tract and some other things specific to her needs, mine are for digestion and increasing my metabolism.

I have a problem with energy and a constant need to eat…not eating causes me physical pain, and we are wondering if perhaps I might want to have my thyroid checked. Still, these are just small steps towards a better me I suppose. If I can get $50.00, I can finally buy myself another DDR (Dance-Dance-Revolution) set which was how I went from 250 pounds to 160 pounds in a summer. It’s actually fun and something that I know I will use…but it’s the money that is the issue here.

But yeah…woooo for doing something hahaha.


Here recently I have been trying to get back into meditation…access my core of power, my void, that place within myself that is my mental and emotional sanctuary. As I evolve and grow as a person, so does my void. My void reflects the events of my life, and not only does its appearance change with me, but the way I am portrayed in this place changes as well. When focusing on the Lighter subjects n the spectrum, I find myself often in the woods…walking along a rock path in the midst of Autumn. A small creek runs beside me, leading me down to a veil of willow vines that I push aside to reveal a small patch of grass where a small fire is ever burning…bright orange and welcoming. My spirit Guardian: Ba’al is there in the masculine form…a man that has the head of a water buffalo. He speaks no words and often fills my head of images when I question him about one thing or the other. He holds my hand through things and helps me find my way in a more peaceful manner.
Then there is the silver mirror in this place where Ba’al sits…and when looking through this mirror, I can see the other side of this place which is much darker.
When focusing on subjects of the Dark Nature, when focusing on the harsh realities of things, or just when my scales have tipped more towards the Dark Side, this pleasant, wooded area now becomes a mass of dark thorns. The rock path is still there, the moon is full and the stars are out and shining. The creek still runs though the water is now dark and one can no longer see the bottom, it is black like the abyss. the trees are all dead, and now the vel of willow branches are dead and withered. Pushing them aside is this same place where so often i have sat to discuss things with Ba’al. Here I still see a mirror where I can gaze and see the other side, here the fire burns purple, and here there stands a female Ba’al…unclothed, her body human, naked and exposed. She has a tail, and wears only the water buffalo skull but has a human face. Her teeth are sharp, eyes piercing…she is not so kind this Ba’al…not so kind because she is brutally honest, and not scared to teach someone a lesson.
This is the Ba’al that appears when I have a lesson to learn the hard way because the nicer ways and soft-spoken path has not worked. Here I have oftened battled with this spirit and lost…and upon losing she rps my heart from my chest and then I awake from my slumber or am pushed from my void (if meditating) and it takes me some time before I am mentally able to traverse there again.
Normally I take to the void in a human guise…but with my changes I have now taken a new form…I have taken the form of a wolf. Like my two selves—Miarene (Jedi) and EshBa’al (Sith), there are two wolves to show these sides of Light and Dark.

These new forms were brought about by my accepting my more raw and animal nature, embracing myself as part of the Furry fandom, and setting my inner animal free of its cage. Why is this important? Well, it may not be important…not to you…
But, I have found myself in a bit of a tight spot.
I cannot access my void. Much as I have tried to enter back into that space where I am fully concentrated, the dark thorns have blocked my passage to the place where Ba’al sits. As the red wolf I rip at them with my teeth, but where one finally breaks, three more vines covered in thorns begin to take it’s place…and I make no progress. I have even called on my Lighter self to help me in this battle, called the angel wolf Miarene to aid me in this darker place where she has never padded to try and make a dent in this foreboding, tangled, mess…but nothing. so now I ask you: “What does this mean?”
Even when having gone away from my Path and studies for while, this has never really happened to me. Sure I have been shut out for weeks at a time, but never so many months! I have no contact with my guardian, barely a feeling of their presence near me, and, I wonder how I might turn this around? what can I do to push through? What can I do to aid me and get past this mental-thing (if you could call it mental). I’ve been trying to find answers, but thus far I have gotten nothing.
Because I have not been able to enter my void, I started buying books to stimulate my mind, get me back into the swing of my religious studies and such. The strange thing is, some of these are magical books, and it seems I have the ability to tell when something holds true power over something that does not. While reading a book the other day talking about runes and spells, I felt the top part of my hand burning. It was hot from the knuckles up, the heat was radiating and flickering about my hand as if it were a flame. I pick up a different book on spells (which was obviously more of a joke) and felt nothing, and then a different book of spells from that and my hand was burning again in the same manner.
I have never noticed this before and wonder when this new thing awoke in me and why I have it in the first place. have been wondering a lot of things lately, and I wonder most hen all the pieces will come together to show me something…whether it be a new Path or something else. But this is all just rambling really…something I just needed to put out there for whatever reason.

Taekwondo Day 1

Posted: August 4, 2015 in Diet & Exercise

Yesterday was my first day at Taekwondo.  All day I was nervous because that experience with the Krav Maga was still haunting me. So, normally when you’re doing any sort of martial arts where kids are involved, there are seats so that the parents can stay and watch…and my fear was that I was going to get there, get tired much sooner than the kids, and then have to dip out with the parents judging me for being overweight.

Anyways, I get to the Dojo, and the owner asks me if I would like the try the class before I pay the $130 and commit myself for the 2-month period. I had to think for a minute, but ultimately, I decided to pay him first and commit myself before starting the class. The reason I did this is because I have a problem with excuses. Had  not paid right then, I know I would have done the class, then figured that it was too expensive or that, because my hours were picking up I would not be able to dedicate myself to it…the usual stuff. I knew I would want to escape having to dedicate 45 minutes 2x a week to exercise…so I paid. I paid the money and, knowing that it was g/f who paid for this, I pretty much feel obligated to go. It’s a weird system I have going but hey…it worked, right?

Anyways, they did not have a uniform for me right away like they had promised. I had decided to wear just a small tanktop and workout shorts because I figured I would be slipping a uniform on over it. But no…
sure enough, I got on the floor, bowed to the flag, and before class began I was given a fast run-down of how things worked. As an adult, the woman-master was understanding that there would be things I could not do. She said that most adults coming in here were either out-of-shape (guilty of that one) or they had some limitation due to injury. She said that if there was absolutely something  could not do, then I could excuse myself from the mat and do something else.

I told her that I had an issue with running. She said that I could easily go off the mat and just walk up and down. This was nice because they knew not to push people to the point where they might not be able to do the class. I told her I knew my limits, and while there are other things I would not be able to do (such as the splits and some stretches) I would modify them do I could at least get close.

The class started and already I felt out of place. Here you have this 200-pound woman in a white wife-beater, some black basketball shorts, covered in tattoos with her lip pierced. There were only 4 other kids in the class, and they were indeed children ranging from 10 to 6. I could hear the parents whispering behind me, talking about why I was in that class, and talking about the way that I looked. They also judged me for not running like their kids were doing, and, because I did not have a uniform, I was very much out of place.

I won’t really go into specifics of the class…most of it was work on ‘forms’ for testing on higher belt degrees…but what I will say is that the class was much more fast-paced than any other class I have ever been to. Nothing was really explained. Knowing that I was new, no one bothered showing me the correct way of doing things, leaving me to guess. I had taken Taekwondo before, but, at the same time, there were things I did not know. I feel like the Master focused more heavily on those with the higher belts (especially the blackbelt which I assumed was his son), and when I brought this issue up to the female Master, she assured me that, things would be slower-paced in the future, but that I was coming in during a testing-period for higher belt degrees.  She also mentioned that at any time I could come in early to get help from one of their many blackbelts…or I could pay for a private lesson if I fall behind -_-

Roundhouse kicks…roundhouse kicks are a nightmare for me for multiple reasons. My body is too tense when  try them, my toes curl only for these kicks out of reflex and I don’t know why. Snap kicks—I’m awesome at them. Swoop kicks? No problem. High kicks? watch out because here comes the power!!! But roundhouse kicks…kill me. So, we are in a line doing roundhouse kicks, and again, nothing has been shown to me. I’m watching the kids, trying to figure out how to do this the best way, and I keep hitting the bag with my toes rather than with the top of my foot like I should. Even when they know that I am messing up, they don’t really stop to show me how it’s done, they just tell me to make slight adjustments and hope I do better when my turn comes up again.

What happens? I end up breaking my toe…
I knew it was broken the minute I hit my toe, head the snap, and suddenly my toe felt like it was the size of a big rock. I could hear it crunching every time I took a step. But, I never stopped. I kept kicking…never cried, didn’t say a word. I have broken my toe before, no big deal really…but then came the ‘race’. I guess they occasionally do a timed race for this class where it is ten snap kicks (alternating right to left) on the pads followed by a run to a bag where you have to do 10 roundhouse kicks (also alternating right to left), followed then by a run to another bag where you do 10 kicks with your right leg and then 10 kicks with your left leg.

First we did a practice run…and I took my time just to get a feel for everything.
Best time of that week had been 29 seconds so far and that had been done by a blackbelt. Anyways, I decided to be last in line as to not hold up the others who were more experienced. So, the 10-year-old blackbelt goes and he gets 37 seconds. Then an orange belt goes and she ends up with 40 seconds. Her younger sister gets 38 seconds, followed by a little white belt (the youngest in our group)…and for the first time that evening he actually focuses and gets 33 seconds. Now comes my turns and I’m super nervous because these kids are younger and have all the energy in the world where I do not…
My time in total was 31 seconds. On the first round, I got the BEST time in the class, besting the blackbelt. He went again and ended up getting 29 seconds. I opted out of doing it a second time because, by then my toe was killing me. I was actually pretty proud of myself, and the Master seemed impressed by my time. I don’t know whether it was because I was older, inexperienced, or because I’m heavier than all the other people there…but he was impressed nonetheless…and that made me feel good.

However…my old anxiety is coming back with being verbal in class. They want you to count aloud and scream: “Aiyaaa!” when you do your punches and kicks. Most of my being self-conscious was because I was the only adult there. I couldn’t stand the thought of kids laughing at me, and, because the Master runs through things so quickly, I was often lost and stuck just standing there because I did not know what to do. I’m not a fast-learner with these types of things, and he lets his more experienced students do things on their own because they have memorized things far beyond that of my own level.

I feel it was a bit too impersonal, but, I will give it two-months and see where that gets me.

I also feel like some independent study will be in order too. I know that YouTube has video on techniques, and I think that practicing the forms on my own time could not hurt any.  I go back tomorrow for my second class…hopefully they have a uniform for me so that I don’t feel so out of place and/or self-conscious. But we shall see.

I’m keeping an open mind about this…

P.S= I also have one of the most powerful kicks in the class. I would say it’s because I’m older…but because I played softball and did other suck things, all my power is in my legs. t was funny seeing the bag almost topple over. XD