Archive for October, 2013

Sith_symbol_for_the_jedi

…so a Jedi Knight posted this article on Facebook and was so excited that the Jedi had been mentioned. The article may take Jedi in a more joking fashion, but it is a very interesting read and I really enjoyed the 3 pages on discussion over religions made from books and movies: http://www.details.com/culture-trends/critical-eye/201311/star-wars-religion-church-of-jedi

Lately I feel as though I have again hit a stand-still. Jedi-Realism is just something that I come to every once in awhile when I feel as though I have nowhere else to run, no place left to turn…and it’s sad because this is not where I imagined that I would be.

I came to Jedi-Realism through sheer boredom, and in fact, most people actually do. I relate to the Veteran in the article as I had gone through being Catholic, then Baptist, then Wiccan when I had finally just given up on religion altogether. I felt like there was nothing out there that fit my lifestyle, my personal beliefs, anything. I felt like every other religion that I tried was too restricting…I had been researching religions for so long, and finally, one day, a lesson from theology came back to me— and as I was looking through the movies on my shelf and saw the Star Wars trilogy on VHS I wondered.”Are there really Jedi?”

First thing I did after that was I ran to my laptop, cracked it open, and googled as much information as I could on people who considered themselves real-life Jedi. That’s where I found the Jedi Church (http://www.jedichurch.org/).
This website was more of an information board than anything, but it kinda pointed me in the right direction for where I thought I wanted to go. It gave me the basics of what it meant to be a Jedi, what all could be achieved from this type of lifestyle, and, by the time that I was finished reading I was so inspired that I had donated $20 to the church, had run off to Facebook to see if there was a group (there was), and that’s where this long journey began…

The Facebook Group was really something special to me (at first). It was a place to discuss the mysteries of the universe, really speak with intellectuals on deeper issues, and I felt like I fit right in. But, there was still something nagging at me. The group itself seemed to lack..’teaching’. It’s as if you joined the page, was automatically a Jedi and there was nothing more you could do to advance yourself in the spiritual society. Later on, I started asking for someone to mentor me, to be my Master. I talked with a few people…and then ultimately I always came up empty-handed because all the Masters willing to take on an Apprentice wanted to work with their pupil in person, and for me, they were so far away that this was never an option.
I then started asking about group websites where I could learn under someone or find courses on being a Jedi. I wanted to ascend to Knighthood, I wanted to be a Knight, to be enlightened, to share my wisdom with others looking for the Path. That’s where Jax came in.

I believe it started as a discussion on mere jewelry, the fact that Master Jax made meditation beads and such. But eventually I was led to the Institute for Jedi-Realist Studies (http://instituteforjedirealiststudies.org and oftentimes shortened to IJRS) where new oportunities now opened for me. Here I had courses I could take to advance myself spiritually, here I finally had the resources that I needed and that I wanted. I had a way to achieve my goal…but I shied away from it.
Mostly it was because I was battling with many things at the time. My partner was going into the Army and I did not have the extra time to be spending on these courses when I had such a limited time left with her. Instead, when my partner finally left for Basic and such, I finally took that first step, did the Introductory Course…and plunged myself into that world of being Jedi.

Long story short…I have not completed a course. Every time I try and sit down to make it happen, something always pulls me away. It’s like I’m always making an excuse as to why I cannot complete the things that are asked of me. Others did an assignment every night, or one every week. I know that the instructors said keeping a schedule was key…but my life never runs on a schedule. I never go to bed at the same time. I have 2 weeks where I work early shift and 2 weeks where I am working evenings. I have days where I have errands, and then days where I just want to relax and watch funny videos on YouTube.
I changed countries, and the last thing i feel like doing is going out and trying to help in a  community where I do not even speak their own language.

I find challenges and obstacles everywhere on this path…and I feel as though no one has had this much trouble on this path but me. Not only do I find excuses, but there was a time when I was just so fed up with things I did not agree with that I decided to research a DarkSide to what I had been learning, thinking maybe that was the solution to my problem. I decided to become Sith.

At first I did not want to become Sith so much as I was looking into the Sith Academy to see if they were any real threat to the world or the Jedi…but then I got interested…and I wanted to learn more.

Through the Sith Academy I gained recognition fast. The fact that I had posed as a male to join and had pulled it off until a certain “Skype meeting” for minions instantly made me the pet of one the Sith Lords named Ravenus.
I was a spy (in a weird sense), I planted memes and propaganda for him, I advanced in ranks quickly. I joined their cyber Army, then was promoted to a Master. Then as I started showing my knowledge in all the different Religions I had studied, teaching others of their ‘enemies’, and putting off insults from other Masters as mere childs-play (and also completing missions for Ravenus), in no time at all I had even advanced to Sith Lord.
I even ran the site for awhile and was to be promoted to Prophet…but that’s when things fell apart.

I joined SA and stayed with them because I believed in their vision. I believed in a vision of a world that would never know peace, and thus, its people had to look deep inside themselves and awaken the strength and passion to defend what was theirs. I wanted people to be able to fight for themselves to save themselves against any menace that would try and take their treasures from them…things like land, things like loved…anything really. This was what the Sith believed at the time, this was how I took their message. I took their message as the world was weak and we need to learn to defend ourselves. We need to condition the people of this world to be warriors and to fight. I agreed with this and this alone…but all of that was just some weird joke to them.

The main Prophet and ruler of the Site…the man responsible for the Omega Vision and the vision of Endarkenment named Imperius…he had been gone for so long, and with his return came the brutal truth. “There is no Omega. It was a lie.”
In a sense, I knew that the vision could have not been true. It was too odd and too otherworldly for me to truly believe…BUT, I had thought that Imperius believed it enough that he would get results, he would make things happen and put together something grand.

As some other people did (people I actually respected), I put my thoughts out there about how I did not like this recent development in the ways of the Sith that were studying at Sith Academy. I also skyped with Ravenus about these concerns, and, he assured me that he would take control of Sith Academy and that all would be well. As one of the most spiritual at SA, I believed him…but things turned for the worst.

SA became nothing more than a con…a business model of people being trained in business to gather partners for massive amounts of money and donations to the idea that Edarkenment was coming and the Sith were the only ones who would survive. Suddenly the whole site became about weapons development and space exploration to take control of other planets and use them as bases and blah, blah, blah. Suddenly it really was all about command and conquer and not about what we had originally been teaching. With 2 apprentices under my wing and a site that was falling to ruins because anymore it was nothing other than a scam…I wrote one final blog post, gave up my title as a Sith Lord, and left.

I would later join TotSO as a “Dark Lady”…but that site would too fall and so I was left in the dark again, not knowing where to go. So…with my newfound beliefs in what lay in the dark and then my holding beliefs of what I agreed with about the light, I decided that my specific being was somewhere in the middle of the two, I was part of a different breed, a different balance…and I claimed myself Shadow Jedi.
Most people took this title with a cringe…but we each have our own path, and I seriously think that this is where I am meant to be.

Still…working now on courses in TotJO and IJRS, there are times that I feel like a Jedi failure. While the Religion and Lifestyle itself is what you make of it….while it gives you freedom of choice to explore the faith as you will and make of it whatever you want…still, I feel like my path has grown thin as I pass over a pit, and that I am slowly losing my balance.
I am in need of guidance. Where do I go from here?

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P101- 10

Posted: October 26, 2013 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long
Personal 101
Lesson 10 — Living in the Present

…it is well to avoid the tendency to catastrophize.

Stop worrying about all that could occur tomorrow.

You are getting agitated about things that haven’t

happened yet…and may never happen.

Stay here, right here, in this moment. What is going on

right now…what is occurring right here…? That is all

that matters. That is where your life is being lived.

This quote right here really hit me. I will admit that I actually started crying.
Soooo…where do I start? The person I love, well, she mentioned marriage about a month ago to me. I was so overjoyed that I burst into tears and was laughing and so giddy I felt I would bust. I was finally hearing the words I had waited so long for her to say, just to hear how she felt about being with me forever and to know that I was the one she was considering spending the rest of her life with. But…things have not been working out.

                Suddenly, everything on her end is going wrong. The distance is too much, I am too much to deal with, she fears things that she might do later on to ruin us, she is not ready for a forever-future and might never be, and lastly, she says we probably wont be together until we are living in the same household again. Anymore I wear a smile for her and pretend like I am fine because she gets mad otherwise…but I am tearing myself apart. My memories of the past and how happy I was are colliding with shadows of people that don’t exist…shadows of people that might be with her in the future, that might get to share in that happiness which is that amazing love she provides instead of me.

                She already told me she has no plans of seeing other people, and at the moment, no one else is involved or even close to being involved. But I can’t help it…
I am seeing a future alone. I future where I am attending her wedding and I’m not the bride. A future where I have not been able to move on and she is happy without me. I’m seeing a future where I can’t be her friend without being in some sort of constant pain and it has been breaking me down, coming together and self-destructing every bit of improvement that I thought I had been making over the last 8 months or so.

                She literally told me the other day to: “Just be happy. Be happy with the time you have with me now instead of ruining it over something that has not even happened. If you waste this time, then even if that future does happen, you never got to experience the joy you could have been having otherwise.”

But…no matter how hard I try, living in the now has always been something I have had trouble with. I am a dreamer. I look back at the past because it bring me happiness, it makes me laugh, and I love sharing those memories with others because it makes them laugh as well. There are times I like to look back at so that my chest can swell with pride with over how much I have overcome (a lot of those things will be in my short story called “Define Success”—if I ever start writing it). Lastly, while I am in love with the past, I am terrified of the future. While people can sit there and daydream about one that is bright and happy, I instantly fear the worst, see all the variables and things left unknown and undetermined and it unnerves me, terrifies me, gives me nightmares, and has me at something of a standstill. I guess I’m just not sure how to move forward, how to work on this issue, and how to just be happy without knowing.

                It’s something I no longer bring to people’s attention because they merely say: “Get over it” as if there is some simple solution to this issue that I’m just not seeing…it’s just a problem I am not sure how to solve. And I feel like it will keep me from achieving my goals as a Jedi and as a person in general.

Thank you for taking the time to read through all this. 😦

P101- 9

Posted: October 26, 2013 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long

Personal 101

Lesson 9 — Emotions

So I would like to start off this assignment by saying that I agree with the sentence: “Suppression of your emotions is what leads to the DarkSide”. Previous experiences as being a Lord among those who consider themselves Sith (but who take it far more off course then how I would personally imagine it), I know for a fact that they teach emotional suppression very early on.
They preach about passion and using passion as a power, but yet, when it comes to speaking the mind through emotions that act before anything else, they shun that behavior, mock that behavior, and verbally try to (basically) exorcise that behavior from your being.

                This was another of the many reasons why I left the Sith Academy. While there were people there whom I knew I could trust and (perhaps) could truly learn something useful from, I knew that an Army without emotions as guidance, was  a blind one. An Army that lacked the ability to look inside themselves for the answers first was a weak one bound to fail and fall. I just did not want to be in that position of weakness and powerlessness. Being an empathy I pick up on so many emotions, but mine…the ones that truly speak to me above all else have guided me through so much and that hinting, those feelings that something wasn’t right, I would never trade that even for what people said was the most powerful weapon or armor on the Earth.

…yeah. Just had to put that out there.

Please tell the story of who you are as an emotional being. Do you find yourself swinging between emotions frequently like a roller coaster, or are you more consistently in a small range of emotions?

 

            This answer really changes week-by-week for me. As a child I was always switching between emotions like a rollercoaster. I felt as though I did not have control of myself. I know I was suffering from many things that still plague me today: my depression, my anxiety, constant paranoia, and etc. but the worst part was that I also felt as though I was picking up emotions from everyone else around me. When my Mother was upset and wanted to punish me, I reflected and felt like she was the one that needed the punishing. I felt like an emotional mirror. Even today, I sometimes have those days, especially with the girl I’m in love with…when I see her so angry and so hateful especially towards me, I begin reflecting and wanting to push it all back at her, show her that side that she is revealing to me because I feel as though I can’t do anything else.

            But most days…most days I am in a constant range of emotions. But, mine does not follow the scale…at least, I don’t follow it step-by-step. My range of emotions might be constant, but they take such large leaps from phase to phase that it can be really…painful, I can go from hopeful to crushed and then it’s like I hit the floor and suddenly don’t have the power to get up. Some days my constant range can go from contempt to overjoyed and then back to contempt. Other days I can go from being depressed, then to angry, and then complacent only to wind back up at depressed. I feel as though I can control this sometimes, stop from progressing downwards when I focus energy elsewhere from the things that would move me down a stage…and sometimes I cannot not even begin to try because I’m not sure how, or I have already made that leap and now, I’m stuck in some cycle.

            I’m aware of my emotions…always have been. But controlling them…that’s one of the things that brought me to Jedi Realism (and The Force in general) in the first place.

 

Would you say you typically feel more ―positive or ―negative emotions?

                It is sad, but, I have always felt more negative emotions. When I was young, these emotions were anger, hatred, and worthlessness. I was a raging lunatic of a child, a firecracker when it came to my temper. It all blew up in a matter of seconds and then the smoke would linger for a little while as well as the evidence of the blast. Now in my adult years, I’m not suffering the same as I was as a child. I am no longer being abused, verbally, physically, etc.
It’s not that I feel worthless anymore…I know I have to be worth something to someone out there. But where the anger was, now there is just the depression. Where the hatred was, now there is just the constant questioning and worry, and where the worthlessness was, now I’m feeling things like hopelessness instead. These issues range from many different things…they range from the fact that I am always worrying about my future. I don’t like it when people tell me that what is meant to be will happen because those things can either be really good or really bad and then fear the things that are really bad.

                My depression and hopelessness often comes from my relationship…or what’s left of it anyways. I give so much and am left with so little answers or leads of what is to come later from it all, if anything. It gets me down…I won’t go much into detail, but love has always been my motivation. It’s the one thing that I respond to most. Some people respond to writing, some people to doing their favorite hobby or playing their favorite sport. Mine is love…mine is emotionally connecting to a person and being able to love them to have them love me, to feel their positive emotions flowing through me so I am reflecting something just as beautiful as what they are giving me (if that even makes sense). Again…I feel like a mirror because my emotions may stand out as my own, but other emotions have always been so loud and so competitive, battling against what is me, my subconscious, and my mind that reflecting something almost becomes like a part of me, and I respond to those signals. If someone else is being happy for me I am happy for them. If someone else is loving me (and assuming I already liked them and we are compatible), then I am loving them back…not just reflecting it, but adding in my own emotions to create this amplified experience. I guess that’s why emotions can be so difficult for me…because I get twice the amount of what I want or what I even need.

When you do feel ―negative emotions, how do you typically reach those more ―positive emotions? Is this a conscious process for you?

 

                When I start to feel the negative emotions creeping up on me, and I get that tightening in the chest and other discomforts, then I try to figure out the problem first. I try and figure out what my body is telling me, and it is the sense of knowing what the problem is that can at least make me contempt, and get me above the “angry” stage at the least (and it keeps me from sinking into a depression). I generally do not strive for positive emotions that seem to out of reach…so I settle for something that’s a little better than laying in bed and moping all day.

                Consciously I try and run from the feeling…drown it out with other stimuli such as reading, drawing, writing, or playing video games. I watch YouTube and do other things I love that I know makes me smile so I am distracted from these emotions for a while. Even if it’s only a temporary solution, for that time in which I am not in a pit, I can say that I am feeling things like happiness and that it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing to try and solve this issue. I’m not really sure what else I could do other than talk with friends and try and put a smile on my face. Sometimes the negative emotions that I feel are things that I think cannot be confronted at the time being and/or I have not come up with a strategy to confront these things yet…so, I do the alternative and try and wait out the storm because the sun always comes out eventually.

 

Finally, has your perspective on emotions changed after reading this lecture? Why or why not? Please be specific

 

                This passage on emotions was not all that new to me. The scale was very interesting, and I guess I always knew it functioned on something that looked like that, but it’s never something I would have tried to look into or investigate. I always knew that my emotions were an indicator of something that was either wrong or right. My only problem is that, I tend to follow these hunches blindly, rather than taking things a little slower and still trying to think things through logically and combine the process in order to get the greatest results. Emotions for me are a type of power, they are a type of passion in themselves that can both be admired and feared. I know they are a shield against the dangers in this world, but they can also be one of the most deadly weapons out there…and need to be harnessed and embraced with extreme caution and care.

                I have been there…suppressing my emotions and watching them explode like an atom bomb. I have seen the destruction this behavior can cause, and I will never be there again. I will never do it again.