My ex-wife asked for a divorce in September of 2020 and it sent my entire life spiraling. It caught me off-guard, literally blind-sided me as not even a month prior, this woman had broken down in a depressive episode begging me to never leave her (which wasn’t even a thought on my mind). So this divorce really shook up everything I thought I had, it broke all the foundations I thought I built…and I had to start my life over from scratch and leave Texas, heading back to Indiana where I was born and raised.
I won’t go over all the details of this time. I can summarize in saying that I was living with my Mom and her boyfriend, hated it because it was very crummy living conditions. I moved in with my Father which shocked a lot of people since my Father and I did not get along very well as I was growing up. He gave me two-years to get my life together and get my own place. I job-hopped for a minute and, as my Father became increasingly agitated at my way of living, before the year was fully up and over, I had moved out of his house by September of 2021 and into a duplex I started renting.
This was huge stepping stone for me because with the divorce came a lot of lies and mental abuse from my ex-wife. She had gone around telling people that I was irresponsible, wasted money, was the reason we couldn’t get a house, etc. she painted me as the picture-definition of lazy and greedy and emotionally (along with mentally) this really broke me for awhile, because it was something that just wasn’t true. She was making up these lies to garner sympathy and validation for her decision in divorcing me, despite the fact I had always supported her in everything she did (not to mention she never once took accountability for not letting me keep jobs because she hated my complaining, not helping around the house, the fact she started to suffer from a porn addiction, or the fact she did not bother with any of the bill management and never even looked at the bank account so was over-drafting us at regular intervals as well as maxing out credit cards.). So, naturally, with all the lies she had been spreading about me…being single and being able to afford a two-bedroom place with a single-car garage without needing a roommate was a huge accomplishment for me.
But, despite having accomplished this…I was lonely. I wasn’t lonely in the “I wish I was in a relationship” way, but I did wish there was a presence in my life that I could really connect with. Socializing has always been hard for me…and, being a Correctional Officer has made socializing even harder. There’s that constant paranoia of being recognized by inmates when I go out as well as thinking that an inmate might find my house, among other things. My job means I get constant death threats, and am at constant risk of harm. Not to mention, many people associate me with being a Cop (which I’m not) and due to the current ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards) climate, I have even been ghosted by potential dates all because I work in law enforcement. So, there did come a time when I considered getting a pet to ease some of that loneliness and depression.
But I didn’t get one…not until recently. Why? Well…because my trauma runs deep, and unfortunately, I have not had the greatest luck when it comes to pets. Growing up, I lived in a very poor household, and though my Mother was an animal lover just like me, we didn’t have the best time with pets. Unwanted pregnancies in non-fixed dogs meant sending puppies to shelters where a lot of the time those litters were killed because the shelter was at max (this happened twice). Even after the dogs were fixed, the inability to keep some of the dogs fenced meant we had four dogs on chains all the time that got eaten up by lies in the summer. Even when we moved out to the country and the dogs had 10 acres to roam, improper training meant dogs got their feet and ankles broken by cows, got run over by school buses, and we even had one get shot by a hunter. One dog even died because of a recall on dog food that we were unaware of. So, there was a lot of tragedy with animals growing up. One dog had to be put down because kids were getting too rough with a dog that clearly wasnt having it and he snapped, biting the child. It was deemed that dog (that was very loving and sweet) needed to be put down (which I feel was very unfair to the dog). The only indoor dog we ever had was kept in the laundry room with very little space to move and rarely was she given the chance to explore the house.
So, once I moved out of that house and away from my Mother and Step-Father, I really didn’t want a dog. I didn’t want a dog until I knew I could care for it properly with a decent yard, decent training, and everything that dog would ever need. So instead of getting a dog, I got two cats in 2011 – one I adopted from a shelter (I named her Harlem) and the other was a kitten picked off the street who was named Coda.
Coda (back) & Harlem (front)
These cats were my world and they had want for nothing. They were fully vetted, microchipped, and even had pet insurance. They were bathed regularly and Coda even had two surgeries on his ears. They got toys and all sorts of treats and other goodies and were shown nothing but care and love. But, the girl I was dating at the time did not understand that no animal is perfect. A cat being sick meant she was trying to smear their face in feces when it was clear they were ill, and at one point, I even threatened violence if she touched the cats again after she made Coda’s nose bleed over a small accident. I should have left the woman then…but that’s all in hindsight. But my threatening that woman put it in her mind that the cats were no longer our “shared” pet (not that they ever were considering I covered all costs and care of the cats), and thus she started looking for her own furrever friend. Unfortunately, she picked the worse timing, and went against my wishes.
A summary of my ex-girlfriend would have been that she was a controlling penny-pincher. We barely got anything new. Everything we had was used, repurposed, picked out of a dumpster and restored, gifted, or bought from Craigslist and/or a yard-sale. It was true that this saved us money in the long-run but, it also brought us to odds when the secondhand things were always falling apart, and our house lacked any sort of…consistency and really did just look like we raided a frat house. Still, she would browse craigslist like it was her main hobby, always looking for some new deal…and one day, she ran across an ad for a puppy. This puppy was a rottweiler, German Shepherd, Chow mix. It was barely weened and yet the owner was advertising it as “house/potty trained” and my ex-girlfriend was not the brightest. She believed this lie and despite the $150 price tag for a dog of questionable origin and training, she wanted him. I vehemetly opposed getting this dog for numerous reasons.
The dog was against our lease in many ways (we already had the max amount of pets and everything this pet was a mixed with was not allowed per our contract)
Puppies are expensive and we did not have anything for a puppy (not including the fact it would need shots, dewormed probably, among other things).
Puppies require a lot of training and time (and as night-shift workers we had neither of those things).
She would be leaving for the Army in less than two-months (which would leave me with all the responsibility).
We argued and fought and eventually she said she was getting the dog whether I liked it or not. So, I went with her to get this new puppy, tried to talk her out of it once she saw how young it was, but she would not be swayed. We drove the dog 20 minutes to Dollar General where we bought the basics for the dog. We walked it around a littered field where the puppy sniffed everything but never went to the bathroom. Then 5 minutes after we get the puppy home, it peed all over our carpet and the ex-girlfriend was furious because “the puppy did not alert us like the guy said he would”. Not even 30 minutes later, the puppy peed on the carpet again and the ex-girlfriend said that I better call the guy back and tell him we were giving back the puppy…but shocker, the guy refused to refund the money and was not going to take the puppy back. So now, we were stuck with Zeke.
Zeke
So, not wanting to be irresponsible, I took over the care of little Zeke. I took him out every thirty minutes, and even signed him up for puppy training classes. I even taught the training techniques to the ex-girlfriend who could not be damned to attend a class because the one time she did go, Zeke peed on the floor and she was too ashamed to ever go again. I also took Zeke to the vet and did all the things a responsible pet owner should do. But when the ex-girlfriend left for the Army and I had to take care of Zeke all on my own? It became too much. The ex’s brother was supposed to help with the dog since I covered many of his bills. Since he worked in the day and I worked at night, he was expected to take the dog out while I was away. But, a week later, I noticed quite a few things wrong.
My cats were peeing all over the place and were suddenly becoming scared and aggressive.
The house smelled strongly of feces even though I did not see any in the house.
Eventually, I figured it out. The brother had not been taking Zeke out as agreed, and the poor puppy had been pooping in his kennel and hiding it under his mountain of toys. The cats were being tortured by water guns which had stressed them out to the point of making them sick…and I was over it. I could not afford to move and could not afford to kick out the Brother. My ex was in the military and we had barely any contact and she wasn’t helping with the bills. So, I did what I had to do and I rehomed Zeke…and then bought a cat cage for my cats hoping this would help them recover and keep them from getting tortured. Zeke went to a loving friend of mine that started running with him every day…and the ex was furious, despite my reasoning. Then, when I saw that the cats were not recovering as I had hoped…I rehomed them too. I rehomed them to a couple with a large house, and even went to check on them months later…and they were as spoiled as can be and back to their happy selves.
It was a tough time. I got a lot of hate for wanting to rehome the pets. I was called “irresponsible” and told I should not have pets if I didn’t have the means to take care of them. Of course, no one knew the full story. I wasn’t about to put my ex on blast because her and I were “trying to work it out”, and putting her brother on blast would cause even more tension with that. So all I could do was shrug and keep saying “I did my best” while other berated me and looked down on me for doing what was best for the animals.
Now fast-forward to my time in Texas.
My ex-wife and I lived in a one-bedroom apartment that did not allow pets. We couldn’t even afford pets because we could barely afford our bills. The ex-wife was always complaining because she wanted a dog, but, seeing how she overdrafted our bank spending $80 on an app, and seeing how she couldn’t even be bothered to take out the trash, grab the mail, or even pick up her laundry, I wasn’t about to put myself in a similar situation like I did with getting Zeke. She used this against me later when telling people how horrible I was. she said my being lazy meant we never could have a nice place or get animals…
…but now in 2022, I have my own place, much larger than the one we shared, and, I just adopted two beautiful dogs from a shelter in Sullivan, Indiana.
Happy Adoption Day! Zoey (left) and Zeus (right) 5/23/2022
“So what’s the challenge?”
These dogs are Brother and Sister. Both a mixed breed that is large (essentially they are pitbulls), and they were in the shelter for a year after being taken from a home with 8 other animals because they dogs are aggressive with other dogs. Zoey and Zeus are the sweetest when it comes to people. They are kiss and cuddle machines, but, when they see another animal, they become something else entirely. Lunging, jumping, snapping at each other, barking, whining, and even showing teeth if another animal gets too close. They clearly suffer from some issues and it’s really hard to pinpoint the origin.
With dog-aggression this can come down to being over-bred (which is possible but we don’t know their family history), this can come down to trauma (which is the most likely option since the house had a bunch of other animals and even when given the chance to get them back the owner did not want them), anxiety (common in pitbulls so also a very easy thing to see as the culprit), or just something medical/neurological. But, because these dogs can not be socialized around other dogs, they were not great candidates for adoption. Also, being kept in a shelter where they were clearly stressed out because of the other animals, Zoey’s aggression was increasing to the point where the shelter was considering euthanizing them. As someone that is single with no children (nor want of them) and no other animals…I decided to step in and rescue them because they did not deserve to be put down because they are different.
But, there are now a lot of things I have to consider.
My dogs will never be “normal” dogs. Even if I can eventually afford the training and get the meds, there’s no guarantee any of that will work. Many owners of dog-aggressive dogs have just had to accept that they need to muzzle their dogs on walks, steer clear of as many other animals as possible, and hope for the best because taking your dog out in public is always a risk.
There might come a day when my dogs get away from me and attack another animal. If that happens, I will be charged fines and might even have to have the dogs put down if the damage is serious enough.
People will question why I bothered with these animals, will look down on my decision, and if they see that my dogs are just living inside except for the few times I place them on a lead because walking them is so risky, they might look upon me as if I am a bad owner.
The hardest part in keeping these dogs thus far has been in realizing that their damage goes beyond just dog-aggression. My dogs love to cuddle but don’t know how to play. They don’t play with toys or each other. Half the time I can’t tell if my dogs are bored or actually content because they do not give off body language like other dogs, but they do snuggle and kiss me often so, I have taken that as a good sign. I have to keep reminding myself that anything I do for these dogs is better than the life they were living. They get to go out 3-4 times a day, they are fed. The couch and my bed are their domain and they get love and attention almost on demand. They are kenneled only when I am gone, and I don’t get mad at their accidents because I understand they are adjusting, as am I. They are fully vetted, I found groomers that will take them even though they are dog-aggressive, and I have their check-ups scheduled as well.
I am always doing research and am always trying to find ways to help my dogs because I know that trying to train them on my own is going to be a real chore…and something I feel like I can not do alone. Still, I am willing to give it a shot. So…despite my past trauma that keeps welling up in me, telling me I’m this horrible dog-mom and horrible person. I literally have two precious puppers that always get so happy to see me and spend the day nuzzling up to me. I’m doing more work for them than anyone ever has, and even though my brain tells me they are bored and they hate me, the way they jump on me and get zoomies around the house tends to tell me otherwise.
I am excited for this journey back into pet life, but I’m also anxious. I love the purpose I have been given in these dogs life, but I also miss a lot of my freedom already. It’s going to take time, the challenges will get harder but the good times will also get better. The real hard part is remembering to breathe and just take it one step at a time.
This is a Behavioral Beware for Serafi Wolf(@/SerafiWolf & @/RedWolfFFXIV) & Riokoneko aka “Mama Fox” and/or Faseni (@/MamaFoxFFXIV) – on Primal Data Centers (Excalibur) & Crystal Data Centers (Balmung)
SUMMARY:
On 03/10/2022 I wrote a player beware on one “Serafi Wolf” of whom I had been dealing with for the past year. I was approached by her ex-girlfriend Riokoneko so that our voices might be heard against this person that had caused a lot of damage within our friend group (as well as to us personally) and just in groups in general . After posting that beware, I said that I was “done” and just wanted to move on from the situation, however, as new things have come to the surface…I can not be “done” until I have completed this last thing as I do feel as if my name will soon be coming under fire for reasons not justified in any way, shape, or form.
I realize that my beware was done in haste in that I not only could have done a better job in compiling the evidence, but that I also needed to write a beware on a 2nd party. My third grievance with my beware is that I could have been more careful in naming those involved, and so I am now posting this updated beware that has been carefully constructed to include:
Compiled screens placed in relevant spaces and not relying on improper retweets and sub-tweets
Aliases for those involved unless they come forward and wish to have their names revealed
Timestamps where relevant and where needed
TRIGGER WARNINGS:
The trigger warnings for this particular beware include (but may not be limited to):
Mental/Emotional Abuse
Trauma
Sexual-themes/Nudity/Erotic Roleplay
Gaslighting / Manipulation
Transphobic Comments / Deadnaming
Cheating / Adultery
Death / Suicide
Threatening
Surgery
Victim Shaming
How the beware began…
On 02/04/2022 @approx 0135 EST I was playing Final Fantasy XIV on an alt that was a member of Serafi’s Free Company called Dalamud’s Fall. I had a private residence in the FC House which I often used for roleplay. As I was heading to my private residence, I saw that Serafi’s in-game wife and her irl girlfriend (Riokoneko/aka Faseni) was sitting in the lobby with some of the FC Officers (and main/most active members who also happened to be the closest ones to Serafi). Rio asked who I was and I told her my main character’s name, Faen (as that is how I am best known) and that was when Rio said she needed to ask me a few questions. She stated openly that her and Serafi were arguing. While I was not filled in on what they were arguing about right away, I agreed to answer whatever questions I could since I was not busy and was still waiting on my RP-partner to arrive. Rio then asked me if I had ever roleplayed with Serafi.
I thought it was a rather well-known fact that in the past, Serafi and I had roleplayed. In fact, a few FC members were around when Serafi had invited us out to an RP venue and we had done a group RP. I also thought it was well-known just because of how our characters often had flirted with each other in the past. Naturally, all our RP had taken place long before Serafi had started dating Rio, and at this time, Serafi and myself were barely even on speaking terms and therefore, I thought such a question a very silly thing to lie about…so, when asked if we had ever roleplayed together, I answered truthfully and told Rio that yes, Serafi and I had been roleplay partners once-upon-a-time.
Rio actually seemed both shocked and a little upset at my answer and then asked me if Serafi and I had ever indulged in ERP (erotic roleplay) – and again, the answer was “yes”. Sera and I are both people of-age that had met in-person and had spent many hours and days deciding that we did want our characters to be lovers and that we did want our characters to be intimate. While I am not ashamed to admit this fact, it is something I have come to regret, especially because of recent events and the need for this beware. Again, knowledge of this seemed to upset Rio even though I assured her that all of these events took place long before she had started dating Serafi. Rio told me she wasn’t mad that these things had happened but that she was mad because when she asked Serafi about these things, Serafi said that her and I had never roleplayed (especially had never ERPed) and that there really was nothing between her and I. This was a huge red flag for me and, as it seemed that Rio had more questions for me, I told her to reach out to me on Discord. You can see the start of the conversation below:
The name blotted out we will just refer to as “Flo” and Flo is important because Flo is blamed by Serafi for being controlling, manipulative, and mentally abusive to the point where Serafi had told me she could not RP and could not ERP without being scared that Flo might find out. These details are important in many ways, as you will come to find out in this beware that Flo is innocent and Serafi was afraid of Flo learning about the RP and ERP because this is not the first time Serafi has been caught in these sorts of lies. Regardless, when I started to message Rio, she said that Serafi was starting to compare her to Flo bc Rio was trying to dig into Serafi’s past. Rio stated that this was not for malicious reasons but it was bc her and Serafi had a past stretching back to 2017 and she not only wanted to get to know her girlfriend, but they had issues with Serafi lying in the past…especially when it came to topics of the more sexual and intimate nature. Rio also admitted that she suffered greatly from jealousy and getting these issues out of the way sooner rather than later was important to her so that she could work past the inevitable jealousy. And while I’m not one to like drama, I wanted to help…also, I was rather pissed that Serafi was lying to her partner…so, Rio and I started to talk and I explained to her that Serafi and I were not really on speaking terms because of several reasons. It was from there that I would go on to send Rio receipts over the next few days, explaining to her mine and Serafi’s history together, how we had met in person because I was trying to help her with her grief and obsessions, how feelings had started to rise between us, how we had started to roleplay together, and then our falling out due to a friend nearly committing suicide.
Over the course of my talking with Rio and sending her all these receipts, she was obviously very angry, upset, and conflicted the more she learned about things that Serafi was lying about. This even made her reach out to Flo where she was given even more receipts showing that Serafi had been lying about Flo and what Flo had done. Naturally, Rio then had started to have conflicts on if she was going to stay with Serafi or if she was going to break up with her because these things were stretching well beyond just “little white lies” and there was a lot of back-and-forth about what she should do, all the while, Serafi was convincing Rio to stay with her.
More “white lies” that started to add up when Serafi was lying about taking lewd screens with my character.
As you can see, the more Rio and I spoke, the more started to be revealed. The BLUE name we will call “Arlo”, and again, Arlo is another ex of Serafi’s who she blamed for her issues. When it came to Arlo, Serafi said she loved this person and wanted to be with this person, but Arlo would always abandon Serafi when the next best thing popped up. Serafi had often turned down my advances even when she initiated them because she feared that Arlo would never forgive her. Even though our character’s in-game were lovers for a short time, she would not even entertain the idea of an Eternal Bonding Ceremony because she said that Arlo would never forgive her. Again, Arlo is another important player in all of this…as he came forward after my initial beware and showed that he too was a victim very much like myself and like Riokoneko. The PINK name we will call “Cameo” and Cameo was a mutual friend who Serafi took an interest in after she had stopped roleplaying with me because of our “differences” (yet again something we will eventually get into). Cameo and Serafi were actually talking over voice and their relationship was a lot more real (as in personal and physical, not just fantasy and ptretend), going past RP. Serafi would often brag to me about the sex toys she planned to buy with Cameo and how often they supposedly masturbated together. Serafi would also show off her lewd screens she had taken with Cameo to me, though I will not show them as Cameo has stated these pictures are personal and, out of respect for her, I will not share them. What I /can/ share are the lewd screens that Serafi took with my main, and how a simple Twitter search pulled them up along with multiple deleted tweets on Serafi’s 18+ account:
Also the confrontation between Rio and Serafi where Serafi just tried to blow off the situation rather than just apologize and/or admit that she lied (this was originally posted by Riokoneko on my original beware post) –
And lastly we have the posts around the time that Rio and I were sharing receipts that Rio had been making because she was conflicted about her and Serafi and what was happening in their relationship:
As I said, Rio and I were talking back-and-forth for awhile and she would ask me more and more questions that ended up being a lie on Serafi’s part. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of this IS really just petty, relationship squabble stuff and drama, but, the reason it is important is because Serafi would later accuse me of dumping all of this info onto Rio completely unprompted. Serafi tried convincing others I had pulled out receipts to be “vindictive” as she stated any issue her and I ever had was a “open and shut case”, but nothing between Serafi and I was ever open-and-shut because Serafi would never admit to her wrong-doings…but none of this was unprompted either. Rio approached me and asked me questions and there were three witnesses to this event that night I bumped into Rio at the FC House. So at least in this regard, my name is clear.
The things I had shown Rio were all things Sera had lied about, namely, about the RP, ERP, the real-life flirting, and the lewd screens. I merely showed Rio some of the RP we did, showed her the ERP we did, and showed her the server that Sera had actually made for the two of us so that we could RP in private and on our own time which I will show here:
WARNING: ERP
The more and more that Rio started to ask me questions and dig into Serafi’s past…the more I started to feel stressed, anxious, and ill. Serafi was easy enough to ignore bc she only came around when she needed someone to validate her feelings, or if she wanted to brag; otherwise, she didn’t have much to say to me anymore… But, the more I learned about her and the more I realized how little I obviously meant to her (as she was lying about our RP, ERP, our real-life flirting, etc), the more I started to feel how toxic Serafi truly was, and eventually, I made the decision to block Serafi. Rio was originally behind this decision (though she did say it was sad it had come down to that) but, as she was planning on breaking up with Serafi, she said she couldn’t really be too mad with my decision since after the receipts were sent, she was in agreement that Sera had lied to me and ultimately had /used/ me.
But then on 02/15/2022 – eleven days since Rio and I had started talking, she hit me up on Discord and asked me if Sera had deleted that private server she had made for us (which Rio referred to as the “ERP Server”). I checked and, sure enough the server was gone. I then asked Rio if this was something she had asked Sera to do…and the short version of the exchange is that Rio had asked Sera to delete the server so that everyone could have a “fresh start”. Rio said that her and Sera were working things out and she hoped this could “clear the air” for us. I then told Rio that I had no intentions of unblocking Serafi. Serafi had been nothing but trouble for nearly a year and I did not need that stress in my life. Shortly after sending her that and getting a very brief reply, I would find out that Rio had blocked me:
So where does the beware thing come in if I was blocked?
On 03/10/2022 Riokoneko (who had me blocked since early February) had unblocked me to ask if we could “talk”. I realize now that I should have just blocked Rio right then and there, but unfortunately, I am a people-fixer (or at least I try to be) and, feeling like Rio was in desperate need, I told her that I had the time and so we could talk…and that was when she told me that she finally had broken up with Serafi because Serafi was still sleeping with the ex-girlfriend she was living with called “Cas” or “Cassie” – and that Sera never told Cassie that she was ever dating Rio (and again, Sera and Cas’ whole history is something I will bring up later).
Rio then said that if I had any plans of “exposing” Serafi, she would back me on it. The thing is, I never planned to expose Serafi. I had her blocked for well over a month and had receipts of her lying, her obsessions, and etc for well over a year…if I had wanted to expose anything about her, I could have done it a long time ago. So, I explained that “exposing” wasn’t the way to go, but a Twitter beware might be necessary only so that she could not continue to manipulate and hurt people…also maybe to wake up some of the FC members of hers that think that Serafi is some amazing person and/or some victim in all this. While I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do it, I did write out a Twitlonger and decided to title it in a way that seemed less harsh…asking people to merely stay away from Serafi Wolf if they wished to retain their sanity.
The Twitlonger:
So here is where I will quote my Twitlonger…and the only time I will break in quoting the Twitlonger is when I have screens to add or something relevant, also if I just want to add in some personal notes. But, my Twirlonger was written the same day that Rio started talking to me again on 3/10/2022 @approx 1456 EST:
This is something that has been a long time coming and unfortunately I can not keep it in any longer. This is my Twitter beware against Serafi Wolf and just the mental emotional strain she has put on me, has put on my friends, and has put on people she called lovers/partners. I am sure receipts will all come later as I and others have amassed a huge folder of them, but for now, I feel like words alone will do.
This actually started around October of 2020.
*From the original Twitlonger, date edited to reflect actual timeline of events as originally it said November-December of 2020
My sister (Greer Hollow / Greer Wolf) passed away in August 2020 and it really shook up my world. A month later, my wife was asking for a divorce and I was forced to moved back home to Indiana where I moved in with my Father and got a job a couple months later at a gas station. Greer had a massive following on FFXIV and she had her own FC with some people being pretty close to her (having gone so far as to have met her in person), and then there were the “creepy fans”…the one-week RP flings and the people just obsessing over everything she did to the point where it had disgusted her and even disgusted me. People that got too close or too clingy often got blocked with little to no explanation why because there was just no reasoning with people like that. The “lucky ones” just got blown off or ignored until they got the message…idk, it’s just how she handled her situation. Greer was also very secretive. She lived very different lives through different accounts because she really did have stalkers. That, and, her talent for drawing pr0n and furries made her want to be secretive because of her profession working as a vet tech and she didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about her. But you see where I am going with this: She hid things, she lied. She deliberately gave people false information because they would get creepy because she was popular, she was beloved in the community, idolized.
Well, Serafi (we will just call her Sera) was one of these people…the creepy ones, the obsessive ones that just couldn’t take a hint. Sera got herself blocked by Greer before Greer died, and after Greer died, well, Sera stepped on a lot of toes. You know when a famous personality dies and then suddenly all these people that literally meant nothing in the life of this personality decides to make shrines or host memorial streams, or just do these things to put the spotlight on them while they try and pass it off as some service or charity? Somehow these people take someone’s death and turn it into a situation where it is like: “Look at me, I’m doing this thing for (blank), aren’t I so great? I just loved them so much and they were such a huge part of my life.” You know, the people you know aren’t really genuine…and it’s just for the attention? That was Sera.
She knew nothing of my Sister and was constantly asking things like: what’s gonna happen to her computer? What about all her art? Just random harmless things that started to get mildly irritating but nothing else…until she decided she wanted to collect all of Greer’s art and put it into some massive art gallery. That’s when I remember just “snapping” because Greer would have HATED that. She kept many different accounts and did different art on different accounts. Some accounts were private and most accounts she had to give you “permission” to know about them. She was so picky on who saw her art and what was done with it and I finally had to say something. Up until this point I was fine. I was fine with people’s shrines. I was fine with people thinking they were her closest friend when they didn’t even know where she really lived or that she was married, or any of that. But this finally struck some nerve and I said “NO” to the art gallery. And Sera got hurt.
I felt bad after I had calmed down. Sera had said all she wanted was some form of closure, and my dumb ass…wanting to always fix people basically said: “let me help you.” and thus this madness began. Sera, it turns out…had been blocked by Greer for sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. I always knew why she got blocked but kept it to myself. It was something Greer ranted and raved about for hours one day and all I could do was shrug because I can’t help that she attracted all the weird people and didn’t just tell them to go away. Regardless, I also knew that Greer usually gave second chances, sometimes even third chances. Had she remained with us in this life she might have eventually unblocked Sera…so, I decided I would do as she would do…give this persona another chance, give them a chance to be better, do better…and you know what? For awhile…it was really good! Sera lived near me (only a few hours away) and so, I opened my home to her and had her come over where I showed her art that was saved (that I would never share online) to show that Greer’s art wasn’t just going to disappear.
Sera’s first visit
I told her a bit more about my Sister, answered her questions and even took her out to lunch. We actually grew pretty close after that. Sera said that Greer had always told her to be better and she was really putting that into practice but just had a mental relapse with wanting to do the whole art gallery thing. But, she said she knew why it was wrong now and thanked me for helping her. After Sera left, we talked every day all day. she came to visit me a few times at my Father’s house, I would take her out to eat, she even visited me after my gallbladder surgery and brought me a gift for my birthday. We would voice chat and raid together. I became really close to her and her FC mates.
Sera ran an FC and she basically told me she planned to be the next Greer. She wanted to hold the same status as my Sister did with her people…that was her goal. And…well, that was when I knew that Sera was a bit of a narcissist. A massive perfectionist with an even larger ego, sometimes, Sera was really hard to talk to…but otherwise, she was actually great. Her home life wasn’t perfect. She was in a mentally-abusive relationship where she felt she had to hide all her passions from her girlfriend. Her gf hated video games, shamed Sera’s more intimate desires, and so I often found myself comforting her on those nights she felt horrible and just…alone. I also ended up comforting her during these relapses where she would come to me crying about my Sister…the Sister I had eaten dinner with 3 days before she died. The Sister whose house I had to rummage through even though it still smelled of her corpse. She could mourn…but me? I was a shoulder so she could cry over someone that was not her friend and that had blocked her.
Sera basically admitting to obsessing over Greer…
It was odd…but again, I felt I could fix her. I don’t know why but I did. So, I tried coaching her. I told her why she needed to leave her gf and pointed out all the red flags. She agreed it was a bad relationship but it was all she had and so she felt she needed to stay. I told her how she shouldn’t have to hide her passions (and eventually she did open up about those with no reaction from her gf), and we even started to roleplay together. And the RP part…that’s where it gets weird.
Sera wanted to roleplay with me…and she even made us a dedicated server on Discord to RP on. We had a 3-hour talk about character boundaries, RP schedules, pacing, all of that just to ease her mind on the whole thing since she kept going back-and-forth on whether she really wanted to do it or not. I never pressured her one time to RP with me. I already had two RP partners and told her that if we did RP it could be casual and could be done at her own pace. Sera wanted to RP our characters as lovers…and I was fine with that, and was even more comfortable when her and her gf took a “break”. But, at some point, the RP started to go beyond the characters. ERP was not longer between Serafi and Faen, it was Sera and Mia…and she would sit there and tell me about all her fantasies and tell me all these ways I made her feel. The flirting was constant. And me, I was lonely…and so I flirted back. The breaks with Sera and her gf were constant. Sometimes it lasted a day, three days, a week…and then finally, she said she had broken it off for good. And that’s when our chemistry died, because once more she was back at my shoulder, crying about Greer. Grief is tough and I understand everyone mourns in different ways…but it had started to become harder and harder to deal with her grief. It went from “I miss her” to “why didn’t she tell me these things?” to “I feel like I’m the only one who could understand her” to “I feel her spirit possess me”. I’m not even fucking kidding. This woman told ME that my Sister was taking over her…in some spiritual way. She said she felt like Greer in the way her moods shifted and the music she had to listen to to calm down. Greer this, Greer that. I was really starting to understand why Greer would come over to my house, look at her phone and roll her eyes SO HARD that the eyeballs nearly popped out her head. Maybe I was possessed by my sister because I could feel the power of her “UNGH” hit me from all the way in the heavens!
Jokes aside, I finally hit a breaking point with Sera and called her out in being obsessed. And that’s when we ran into her usual game of “deflect and disagree but passively”. Sera’s favorite thing to do was to say: “I don’t agree” followed by: “We are two different people. We see it two different ways-” as if that suddenly means that in some twisted universe, her opinion of a certain situation is right. When that doesn’t work, she would immediately go into the guilt game blaming events A/B/C/D for how she is as a person. She used to blame her friend Arlo as the reason why she had abandonment issues because supposedly he would find some new and interesting thing and then blow her off until he was alone again. But, she literally did the same thing. She blamed Flo for being controlling, manipulative, and for shaming her about her more intimate interests, among other things. But, shocker, she was the same way. She blamed a story from her teenage years where a popular ERPer ghosted her for why she was so traumatized she couldn’t ERP (and something about how she was a whore online to compete with said ERPer and why that made it hard for her to ERP) even though no one ever shamed her for NOT doing it, merely said “okay”…but she just had to justify it anyways. There was always something to blame for her disfunctions and she just could not take any sort of accountability when she messed up. It was either YOUR fault for “just not getting it” or it was someone else’s fault for fucking her up in ways that she could not fix because it had just become so engrained in her system.
And me? I have diagnosed PTSD/Major Depression/Anxiety okay? I get that there are things out there that trigger the hell out of people. As a psychology major, I also realize we don’t all experience mental illness in the same way…but what I WONT stand for is people blaming their mental illness for why they are a shitty person. So, after I called her out for her creepy obsession and told her to knock it off or else we wouldn’t be friends anymore (because mentally it was becoming too much for me), she just…stopped talking to me.
Now enter a new character who we will call Cameo. Cameo was new to the Fc that Sera ran before things between Sera and I got stale. And the minute I called Sera out, she started hanging onto Cameo and doing everything with Cameo. Screens, RP, flirting…Sera even messaged me to tell me about how her and Cameo masturbated together on voice chat (why I needed to know this- who knows)! Sera also started talking to MY best friend who she had always called a manipulative cunt and whore and who she said was just using me…but now suddenly they were super close (and my best friend who is just too nice for her own good never said one bad word to Sera ever which I guess further convinced Sera they were now comrades- and also, my bestie was ACTUALLY friends with Greer so you can see now why Sera latched on so quick to a manipulative whore that used me, yeah?
But back to Cameo. Well, one day…Sera messages me out of the blue and is distraught. Even though her and I barely talk, I ask her what is wrong, and she told me that Cameo had committed suicide. I was stricken with grief immediately. I didn’t know Cameo well, but she was so sweet the times I had spoken to her and the random encounters we had were actually very fond memories for me. I was so upset…so naturally, I could only assume that Sera, who had been flirting and basically having online sex with this person would be absolutely broken. But…she wasn’t. She said she felt “eh” because she didn’t understand suicide. She said she was sad…but mostly she just felt hollow. Okay. That’s fair. I can’t judge her on that I guess I was shocked?
So I tried talking to her about things and she mostly just blew me off. I guess she just wanted to announce that Cameo was dead which I thanked her for letting me know. But then I asked her if she was 100% sure Cameo was dead. She said: “She left a suicide note on her discord.” Hear me out…it’s the internet. People say and do things all the time that don’t match the other things they say they will do. I need something a bit more concrete than a Discord status…you know? Well, she said an FC member was on vc when they took whatever pill or substance to do it. Again, that’s a confirmation of the act…maybe? But not the result. I said in a hopeful way that maybe Cameo was at the hospital and maybe she was okay. If there was no solid evidence here we couldn’t just assume she was dead.
That day…Sera was setting up a memorial in FFXIV for Cameo. No solid proof of a death, not even a full 48 hours after the fact she was picking a spot setting up a time, telling people they could write speeches, the whole thing we had done for Greer but for Cameo. She basically made this huge post about it and got the whole FC wound up… And then, we found out that Cameo was alive. Again, I got a random message from Sera confirming Cameo was okay. Yes, she had tried to kill herself but had been rushed to the hospital. I was so happy and thankful she was okay…elated. I said: “I knew it” and Sera ended up taking it the wrong way. What should have been happy ended up in an argument…and Sera said I was this horrible and vindictive person every time I spoke to her.
Sera claiming how upset she was at Cameo’s passing when before she said the death didnt hit her hard…?
I am blunt…to a fault. I am very brash and that’s because I dont believe in sugar-coating things for adults…especially egotistical adults that live in some weird, perfectionist lala-land. I wont bullshit you on anything, and while I will be very gentle and caring with you at first, if you just can not help me to help yourself and start using everything as a crutch, I go from 0-to-bitch REALLY quick because you can’t expect other people to drag you out of a hole you dug yourself. You know? I’m a survivor…and yes, support helped me when I was tired and didn’t wanna keep going. But, the person who pulled me out of every pit I fell in was ME and I believe you need to be able to rely on YOURSELF to fix your own damn problems. Regardless, calling me vindictive because I was clearly relieved and had truly believed that Cameo wasn’t dead? the fuck?! So, I tell her plainly she jumped the gun on the memorial thing. Cameo hadn’t even been ‘dead’ 48 whole hours and she was setting up a virtual funeral for someone she just felt “eh” about passing, suddenly acting like her heart was ripped out, AND she didn’t even have a confirmation of death.
I had to plan Greer’s real funeral. I had to speak with the morgue, the person that did her autopsy, a fucking DETECTIVE…like…as she is point thing the finger at me and saying I know nothing I can just shrug my shoulders and think: “Why are you like this?” and of course, as I call out her being “meh” about Cameo’s passing all she can do is talk about all the other friends she had who tried to kill themselves and how numb it made her feel. And when I reminded her that she needed to be there for Cameo so that Cameo could have support in her recovery, Sera just had to bring up the fact that Cameo could relapse and ultimately needed to help herself. Well DUH, but you don’t have to be an ass about it?
So, the Cameo saga ended. Somewhere in all that mess, Sera got back with her gf had some pregnancy scare, and the rest got blurry until we get to the Rio saga.
Sera telling me her and Cassie were on another break and the “announcement” of it that she posted in her FC Server
Rio is someone from Sera’s past. I don’t know the past they have but once more, Sera had to randomly message me to give me this long update on her life and how suddenly she was once again a better person and the person she was always meant to be (she did this every few months…and shocker, she never really changed). Rio was the light of her life and she finally found happiness, and she was so glad to finally have someone healthy in her life and I was legit happy for her. But then a little while after that? Tragedy struck…I guess?
Sera went to marry Rio on FFXIV and before the wedding, she messaged me about her ex gf (the first one she was always taking breaks from). Supposedly the ex had run off to have sex with some guy and Sera was writing me telling me to convince her not to get mad and not chase after her ex. Like, bruh…you’re about to marry your current gf online? So, I told her she was being dumb. Her ex was an adult and could make adult decisions and Sera had no real right to get jealous since she had been the one to dump her ex and then move on twice already. But, Sera wasn’t listening.
Then, when it was time for the actual wedding, Sera locked herself out of her own wedding. We were all laughing about it and thought it was hilarious. I mean, what a memory to have on your online wedding, right? I would have been embarrassed if that were me, sure. But ultimately, I think it would be a funny memory especially since everyone thought it was so funny and was having a blast. After the failed wedding, I checked on Sera to see how she was doing…and she just could not be consoled. she said she ruined everything, had messed everything up, that she hated herself and was always going to be a fuck-up. She said that Rio got upset because no one comforted her specifically (not sure if this is true or not but from what I know of Rio and our chats together I don’t feel like this was the case) and how that upset Sera because now Rio was depressed beyond repair and Sera felt it was her only job to fix and uplift Rio.
Now…mind you, this was the girl that was fussing about her ex right before she was getting ready to marry her current gf. Anyways, I told Sera she was overreacting, again she called me vindictive and so I just…dropped it. I stopped talking to her because I said we would never see things the same way to which she replied “clearly”. she would hit me up for comfort but when I refused to accept her behavior I was just vindictive, mean, cruel, all sorts of horrible things. So…I just let it go and ignored her. And I should have blocked her then.
So, Sera and Rio got married (again lol) and everything was fine…until it wasn’t. Sera messaged me AGAIN and this time, her ex had walked in on her and Rio masturbating together. Sera had not told her ex about Rio (not that she needed to) but the issue was that Sera and her ex were still SLEEPING TOGETHER and the ex had it in her head that Sera and her were gonna get back together…and once more, I flipped my fucking lid. What did she think was gonna happen? I told Sera very bluntly that if either woman left, she deserved it. She shouldn’t keep secrets like that…especially when your ex is your roommate and you’re essentially leading them on. That’s abusive behavior, it’s gross…and once again, she tried to justify it. “I just didn’t want to hurt her.” “I wanted to save her the pain.” “I thought it would be better this way” etc etc etc.
No…what she wanted was her cake and to eat it too. Rio was long-distance, her ex was there in her apartment…she had both worlds and two people to validate her in different ways and she was exploiting them both. I was furious. So again, I called her out and she came back with a few days later with a bunch of philosophical bullshit, asking things like who would be the real victim in scenarios A/B/C. Like, these were questions you would almost have to be /high/ to understand…but I spent hours HOURS breaking the questions down and answering them the best I could. It all came down to me saying that controlling someone is never okay, and doing something bad out of pure love is also not okay, but that loving someone is fine but it has to be done in a healthy manner and that relationships need healthy and form boundaries in them to work. And then Sera went quiet again.
Now we start to close the saga and so I will start to summarize A LOT because at this point, we have caught up to the point where Rio met up with me at the Dalamud’s Fall FC and started asking me all those questions.
The beware against Riokoneko:
So now…the reason why I have now decided to include Riokoneko in this post.
Rio reached out to me to help “expose” Sera for the horrible person she is…the liar, manipulator, and adulterer…and I was an idiot and agreed (which is why I am working for hours on this too see this project through), but what I didn’t know at the time was that Rio was not only threatening Sera, but had dead-named Sera as well. I was given this screenshot from my friend Kuma:
I blocked out the dead name bc as someone with a best friend who is trans and several trans friends, I do NOT stand by this. And I called out Rio for this reason, explaining to her she couldn’t do things like this. For one, she told Sera I was going to “expose her” before I had ever even agreed to make the beware…and threatening like only gives Serafi fodder to say that my claims aren’t credible in any way and I am vindictive like she always said. But I had NOTHING to do with this message sent to Serafi, this was before I even knew about the break-up and the entire vibe of this is sickening and is not okay. Rio is 37-years-old and this is NO way to act. And once more, I did confront her on this issue when she asked me if I wanted to see the response to a text Cassie had sent to her and in that response from Cassie, I learned Rio had used Sera’s deadname (and this was before Kuma sent me the screenshot).
So, Rio apologized and said she was just angry…and while I do agree that it is fucked that Sera is saying that all her online sex flings were just “roleplays” and “stories” and “not real” (even though Rio had photo proof of sexual acts as well as other evidence that she has since deleted) in order to lie to Cassie, no one deserves to be deadnamed like that EVER. And again, it was only going to work against our credibility in trying to get people to stay away from Sera so that she could not rope in anymore victims.
But this isn’t where Rio would stop. After I posted my original Twitlonger, I told Rio that she should do the same (post a Twitlonger) so the story would not seem so one-sided and therefore so petty. She did this and agreed to post “evidence” of Sera’s lies on my original post to help strengthen every argument. But of this “evidence” she posted she was posting VERY personal information that was not really hers to share. It’s one thing to post an interaction between you (the author) and the person you are writing a beware about…but she was posting lewd screens, sexual acts, and even ERPs with other people that had NOT given their permission to have those things up.
I freaked out, and again, I told her that these things were not okay. Rio started to get really defensive about all this when I started asking her to delete things, especially when my notifications went off and Cameo had seen the post and was asking for her lewd screenshots to be removed bc those were personal and special to her. Rio tried to argue but then eventually did delete those posts and went back to posting her own evidence…
We left it there for awhile…until Sera posted her response. I have since been blocked from Sera’s 18+ account (since she refused to post her response on main) but it was basically the sort of response I suspected it would be. It sounded deaf, toneless. It had no emotion, no real remorse, everything was kept neutral and there was no real accountability for anything in it. And so, upon reading the response that wasn’t really a response…I basically left a comment saying that Sera just needed to own up for all the things she did, to admit to her wrong-doings, and for once, genuinely apologize. Because, the longer my post had been up, the more people started to come forward. A mutual friend of ours (we will call him Ray), read what was written and was shocked knowing that all that had gone down but admitting that Sera had pushed him away because she was quick to tell other people their flaws when she reflected many of those flaws.
Arlo actually came forward with his own response after thanking me for writing what I did, saying that I managed to say what most people couldn’t. He had spent so much time trying to make Sera happy that he was permanently scarred and couldn’t even build relationships with people anymore out of pure fear. Flo didn’t say anything but had only ever been sweet to me and had helped Rio gain her truths which had only painted them in an innocent light (which I would show, but Rio went on to delete her Twitlonger)…and then lastly there were the Fc members in Dalamud’s Fall that looked at all the evidence and knew that nothing Sera could say could change that there was PROOF of all the things she was being accused of and then some. Even now, I have not even posted half of what I own…but I don’t feel like I need to.
But, after I replied to Sera’s response, Cameo did message me because her and Rio had gotten into a dispute because Rio had also commented on Sera’s response telling Sera to grow up. Cameo said what we were doing was nothing more than a witch-hunt…and to some it might seem that way. To me, it would only be a witch-hunt if Sera had done something that made me a little upset. But she caused…so many sleepless nights…so many days where I got so depressed because of her I could not function. She triggered so much in me by constantly bringing up my Sister’s death and acting like she was some great and special person in my Sister’s life, even when knowing how much guilt I live with because Greer died after my ex-wife’s last words to me before she went on a trip was: “Take care of Shelby”. Sera has manipulated people to the point they are scared to make friends, terrified of relationships, and have even tried harming themselves, etc. Sera has lied to people and tried to get them to uproot their very lives, knowing it was placing the other person in a dangerous situation. Cassie even said she was gonna come after Rio…what if Rio really HAD moved to Illinois only to find out Sera never broke up with Cassie? Rio could have gotten herself assaulted, wound up homeless, etc. So, this isn’t just some petty witch-hunt and/or drama…this is real stuff that is affecting real lives…and Sera has done this multiple times and has been doing it AT LEAST since 2017 (again, more stuff mentioned in Rio’s Twitlonger that is now deleted).
So, after talking to Cameo, she said her message was mostly aimed at Rio who was “victim shaming her” saying to Cameo that she had only tried to commit suicide for attention. Again, I was horrified and told Rio she couldn’t say things like that! Cameo had only ever been very sweet and so, to think Rio would say things like that was horrid. Then Rio said: “Well that’s what Sera told me she did…” and, while I wouldn’t doubt that Sera said that, again, I was disgusted in this behavior, told Rio to delete those tweets, and apologize.
So, lastly, we come to today 03/16/2022 and while I was at work, I noticed something odd. Rio’s status changed every day but it had a very horrid tone to it. I was scared actually because it was apologizing to Sera, saying she was sorry for hurting her, loved her, and would always love her. I was just…speechless…because this was the woman that had been threatening Sera not too long before, had been asking me to write my tale and get it out there, and had been so desperate to just…move on with her life. She had retweeted a bunch of old “love screens” with Sera on her Twitter, her Twitlonger was gone, and even her repost of my Twitlonger was gone. So, I confronted her on it. I was worried but a lot of me was angry because I felt “framed”. Now it looked like I was the only one that felt this beware was necessary and it just looked horrible when it looked so one-sided. It especially looked bad when you take into account those threatening texts…
I was on my mobile and the minute I saw her mention what looked to be “suicide”, I freaked out and tried to talk to her some more despite it being risky since I was at work. I tried replying to her several time only for my texts to fail…once more, Rio had blocked me…and on Twitter, she had made a post saying that it was her last Tweet and just wanted people to be happy.
The problem here is…I don’t know what is happening anymore. Rio has blocked me time and time again even after I helped her to accomplish whatever goals she thought she had. Between the deadnaming, the victim-shaming, and the wishy-washy behavior, it is now my turn to block her. I don’t know if she will kill herself. There is no one at this time that I can reach that can check on her or that knows enough about her to see what is going on. All I know is what she posted in her Twitlonger which was that she lived in Texas, took care of her Mom who has COPD and it was one of the reasons she had not moved in with Sera despite being asked numerous times. This is also the person who threatened Sera then jumped ship back to the Primal Datacenter rather than just blacklisting Sera and avoiding her…so anymore I’m not sure what to believe. Suicide is tragic and no one should ever take their life…especially because of someone else. So if you or someone you know is feeling this way, please seek help…
But, without knowing, I still feel it needs to be said that both of these people…are not great people. Mean, manipulative, aggressive, the list of words could go on-and-on and I’m just…over it. I suffered over a year dealing with Sera and her constant berating me, shooting down my ideas, ignoring my advice, obsessing over my dead sister, and having to listen to how she was cheating, lying, and manipulating others. I dealt with Rio’s mood swings, childish behavior and things that really could come back and bite me in the ass because they can easily be taken out of context despite my clear proof of having not been involved with her threats towards Sera among other things.
So while I truly hope Rio is okayand she doesn’t end her life… I still need to block her just like I did Serafi, and remind myself I should have not tried to help these people. A lesson learned I suppose…despite it being a hard one.
So in closing/conclusion, please…for your own mental sanity, stay away from Serafi Wolf and Riokoneko. Unfollow, Block, whatever you gotta do. They aren’t worth it…and it’s not worth getting roped in like all the other victims. Thank you.
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PS=This Beware was of course shared with my friends and the FC members of my sister’s Fc who decided upon review to kick Serafi from the Discord for that FC, but I never asked for any sort of witch hunt only that she not be allowed to be in a space sacred to my sister that was created as a haven against people like Serafi. But that was as far as I went on asking anyone for favors regarding to Serafi due to this situation. I did not believe she deserved to be able to use my sister’s name as her crutch and excuse any longer when my sister blocked Serafi because of the way she acted/behaved.
[Extra]
Of the evidence I did not use, I did not use screens of Sera admitting that she liked me (despite telling Rio she had no feelings), Sera’s abuse of her hormone medication (doubling her dosages and mixing with other meds without a doctor’s permission bc it upped her libido), as well as admitting she was playing many dangerous games with people’s hearts long before she was even caught cheating.
Since the creation of this beware Serafi and Rio are back together. Clearly, Rio did not go through with her suicide plan. Serafi did not get on Balmung for awhile and it was theorized she world-hopped back to the original world she had been on where she was chased out due to drama before, but I have seen her back in Balmung from time-to-time, in her usual spot on the staircase by the Quicksands. Again, this is NOT a witch hunt, it’s more to show that both of these people are mentally unstable and are not worth any interactions for your own sanity and mental health. They are liars and manipulators and are best left to their own devices.
So the title was something I just saw as funny…but it also holds truths as I did put on my belly band thos morning as I am back on my “health kicks” due to the circumstance that is my new job.
I always thought that an office job was the dream. They paid better, work areas looked nicer, and the people often functioned like close friends or family. I would have my own space to do my own work, and thought I could do said-work at a reasonable pace. But now I am starting to see it was def a “grass is greener on the other side” sort of situation.
My wife is getting out of the military…thus it was time to end my 2-year vacation as a housewife (I say this with a hint of bitter and totally sarcastic as being a housewife is anything but easy)- and jump back into the workforce. The first job I land? A call center job.
As someone used to working fast food and warehouse jobs, well this call center had the plushy things I always wanted: a regular schedule with regular hours, 2 days off, optional overtime, health and dental, as well as a bunch of other benefits. I would sit on the phone all day with customers. Sounded like a dream! It sounded like something I could truly excel at.
…but then it turns out that I became a debt collector. Hours? They’re good. Schedule? Fine actually. The catch? I get yelled at 90% of my day while trying to collect on bills, all the while having managers and QA monitors breathing down my neck listening for mistakes and even legal errors. Calls and times spent in my notes are graded and I am expected a regular score per week.
Bathroom breaks are taken from my normal breaks, normal breaks are judged by the phones and not the time-clocks, and goodness could the list go on!!!
But I think the hardest part has been seeing how much this job has wrecked my body in just a month. While I have been obese for years, that never stopped me from taking walks, going shopping, or doing what needed to be done. But in just a month, it is like my whole spine has collapsed and I just cant catch up to the damage. I cant walk very far without needing to sit (or find some support). My shoulders ache, throb, and tense up to my jaw. My anxiety has gone through the roof…and while I have picked up much better habits (better eating, vitamins, waking up on a schedule, stretching)- it’s not enough.
Other work may be harder to do physically…but at least it made my body stronger. Sitting at a desk all day has me feeling like my skeleton is made of milk bones surrounded by jello…thus ends those nice dreams of just wanting to sit in my own little cubicle raking in the dough.
So what now?
Well goodness knows….
I could look for different work and hope I can regain enough strength to even hold a regular job. There is my plan of waking up earlier to do high intensity workouts before my shift, and I am already plunging back into a year of chiropractic bills. I drink more water than ever and eat less, and finally that brings us back to the belly band.
At this point I am still trying to work out some sort of balance in my life. But that is a blog for another time.
Working with a Deity is nothing new…especially when you think about how the world’s major religions focus on praying to God. So naturally, when I started down the path of Witchcraft (12 years ago), there was the task of things like ‘daily devotions’ to the God/Goddess and then the rituals themselves which often called for the practitioner to ask for a blessing.
But while I connected more on the level of the God (at the time I was worshiping Cernunnos), there was a block in that I could never really connect with Ishtar or Inanna- these being the patron Goddesses given to me in texts and local covens.
Something always seemed a bit off, and I never could fully give myself to this duo as it stood because the balance was not there, the connection and energy just did not exist with such a pairing…and I could not understand why.
Later when I picked up Jedi-Realism, I started practicing meditation for the first time. It was through my meditations that I came across a supernatural being. At the time he was considered my “Spirit Guide” and I did not know his name. He appeared in random visions during the meditation…speaking only in images that I did not always understand.
This being stuck with me even as I transitioned to Sithism…and just as my aspect changed, so too did his (even if not entirely). Whereas this being first appeared to me as a man with a water buffalo-head (he had no eyes), in my void (or my sacred space while meditating) there stood a tall, silver mirror. In this mirror I could see an alternate reality of where I was. In this world…through that looking glass, I was in my dark aspect. The bright weather was now stormy, all the leaves were now thorns, the blue fire was now red, and instead of the bull-headed man, there was a naked woman wearing a bull’s skull.
It would later become clear to me that this being was a Deity…an old God known as Ba’al that took both forms (masculine and feminine) depending on my aspect and focus at the time. They became my personal guardian of sorts of whom I would ask advice and guidance from…and they would lead me.
But, coming back into Wicca…something just did not feel right about practice without a Deity, and what felt even weirder was practice with focus on Ba’al. This is something that has been weighing on me as of late…and I tried several times to figure out why. To me, Ba’al feels so personal…and not really something to worship but more as something to confide in. But at the same time, Ba’al feels like a greater force…something more powerful than a God, and a being more tied to my soul.
I pondered this for awhile…and then last night, something came to me.
It wasn’t so much a vision as it was a memory. It was looking back on the first time I stepped foot in my void/sacred space.
I walked down the stone steps, across the path with the waterfall and clear waters beside me. I pushed aside the green curtains made from the neighboring willow tree and saw Ba’al in the masculine aspect, sitting in front of his blue fire.
While revisiting this moment, I thought to myself how much Ba’al reminded me of Cernunnos…and how I had always felt drawn to the horned God even though he lacks a lore and mythos. Such mystery surrounds him and yet you can feel that he is nature, that he exists in all things. The forests, the sun…Ba’al radiated this same feeling. So surely the two could be interchangeable in practice. I could easily use Cernunnos as the God I worship in ritual without fail…
But then something would be lacking…
The Goddess…the feminine aspect…
But then the memory carried on.
That’s when I fell the eyes upon me and heard the call of the crow. I looked up and there it sat on the silver mirror. Then I felt it, that feeling of deja vi…the reminder of what had been forgotten. The crow, it had always been there…SHE had always been there, watching me, waiting for me to notice and reach out to her. The Goddess was here.
It was in that moment that everything made sense to me…Ba’al in the feminine aspect, the darker side, the side not of gold but of silver, the side not of Sun but of the Moon. Here she was, the maiden wearing the skull of the God who dies in the colder months just waiting to be reborn…
The Goddess…my Goddess…Goddess of the crow, of death, of darkness…
And then upon finally getting some rest and waking, I put myself into finding this woman, finding the one in my vision.
And I found her…I found her in “The Morrigan“.
The Morrigan by Aly Fell
The Goddess of War and of Death…but also a giver of Life. Protector of lands and a fierce warrior. This image spoke to me, this being reached out to me, singularly and not of her usual triad.
And it was a good feeling…a feeling of understanding. It was like all the pieces of one crazy puzzle falling together. Then all day I felt the presence of her…the image of the crow appeared everywhere: in a friend’s kitchen, in an article about The Morrigan, and in YouTube recommendations. Even in my facebook feed.
Deities are strangle…they are mysterious and can be fickle. THEY choose when you find them and whether you are ready or not to receive them…and only then will they consider making themselves known for the better or for worse.
Even if I practice with The Morrigan and praise unto her…she may never come to me, choose to see me again like the crow on the mirror, or even bestow upon me her blessings. But I think knowing she exists and that there is something of triad in her appearance is enough and makes me feel whole.
Ba’al was not just a guide and not just any supernatural being…but I am starting to see Ba’al as the one thing we can not comprehend as living beings: The Divine.
Masculine and Feminine, the light and the dark, birth and death…all things.
It has been years (a couple at least) since I last wrote in this blog. This journey to be a better me…well, I see the point in it still, but back then I was breaking it into small chunks, as if being a better person was supposed to happen in solitary pieces. Now I know that life doesn’t often allow things like that.
So what is there to say?
Weight-Loss:
When it comes to my weight-loss, I am still struggling. The Lipoden was a joke (now I know) and a doctor confirmed that all I was doing was starving myself. He said the B12 was a good thing, but everything else was only making my situation worse. I have gained weight. And there was a point where I was at the gym 5-days a week…but there was little to no results. There was a scare with my thyroid because of this weight gain, and a blood test showed I had issues. But then a 2nd blood test showed my thyroid as normal so there is no diagnosis as of now.
I do plan on meeting with a nutritionist…because I do still want to lose weight, and feel better. I need to stop feeling so defeated and get back into looking for ways to get results…and that includes getting back on my exercise equipment.
Therapy:
Another thing I have chosen to work on this year has been my severe depression/anxiety. While I always thought I had a hold on it…when you add another person in my life also suffering from severe depression, well, being an empath it seems the worst in me had reached its peak. I was seeing one therapist for awhile but then she started acting very unprofessionally so I found someone else. Therapy has been going well and we are making progress…but Tricare is dumb and won’t renew my referral so it has come down to a waiting game with that. On top of therapy I tried getting back on anti-depressants. The first one they gave me was a cure-all (Sertraline) and it made me crazy mean. I need to head back to my doctor and tell him of the results and request something else.
Spirituality:
There was awhile where I was ‘blank’…spiritually. I had hit a slump. With Sith Academy changing into this money-hungry scam instead of actually being credible like they used to be, I tried moving away from Sithism and creating my own path. I started studying at a temple that used both Ashla and Bogan in their teachings and felt enlightened for a time until the site died and I realized that there was no guidance in that place for beginners. I considered myself advanced since I knew where to go and what to do with lessons…but everyone seemed lost, and even the staff were relying on me for instruction on how to improve.
This furthered my resolve to start my own path. I tried taking apprentices and teaching them based on their particular needs…but neither were disciplined and took everything I said for a joke. So I let them go. That is something I see as a failure on my part, but then I have to remind myself that I did not fail since I continued to counsel them and try and teach them even when it was apparent that they did not care.
I guess it was no surprise when I went back into Sithism under my ‘new’ name (No longer Lord Larken of Sith Aacademy, but the graduated Darth EshBa’al)- Sithism and its core beliefs have always suited me more than the lighter path. It’s not an evil path, just a more logical lifestyle that pays attention to the direction of the world (in my opinion). In coming back to Sithism, the Sith Academy (now reinstated) got hold of me and asked for a favor. They said they were wrong in their direction and asked me to come back as a teacher. I told them I would think on it, but I never gave them an answer. They gave me two free copies of their ‘book’ which was the first in a series to teach new acolytes…and as a thank you, I agreed to read sermons from those books and post them on my YouTube Channel dedicated to Sithism.
Of course I would read their sermon word-for-word and then debate what they said or add my own points. I would also choose the pages I wanted to read because while they said they were back on the right track, a lot of what they said was still just a scam and barely any of it still held the spiritual vibe of true Sith Masters. Crazy to think I ascended over them and kept true to the path…and greed grabbed them and pulled them under.
I faded away again from Spirituality…life happens and I barely ever had time for studies, or even time to meditate. Moving, social stuff, jobs, depression, the gym, deployments, etc. There was just so much going on. I felt like religion was the last thing on my priority list:
My partner finally got her divorce, I got married, health issues, etc.
I thought I would never get a break.
…it was only this year it dawned on me that while Sithism is still a core part of who I am and what I believe, I was always looking for things to ‘add’ to it. A lot of the things that I taught while at Sith Academy had to do with other religions and how they complimented Sithism. I always said that Sithism was both a religion and a lifestyle, but I was wrong. Sithism is a lifestyle. While it has a set of beliefs, even those are varied. It is a state of mind not focused in any sort of worship…and therefore is not a religion. And what I wanted was religion.
So I went back to the books…all the things I used to study and all the things that connected with me. And strangely enough, I ended right back where I had been when I was 15-years-old: Wicca.
For over 12-years I had been studying the religion with the intent of self-dedication. But I never felt ready. My self-confidence was never strong enough to cast spells, my relationships up to this point had never been understanding of the Craft. I never felt comfortable enough with deities to truly ever put myself in that position of thanking them or asking for their blessings…
But here I was. Here I was reading my Book of Mirrors and gazing down at an unfinished Book of Shadows. Here was something that still called to me, here was something left unfinished for reasons…but the reasons were not good enough that I should just quit.
And now with social media being as big as it is, and so open as it is…I suddenly found groups upon groups of fellow Pagans in my area. I found Amino purely for Witches and the Craft. And at first it was impulsive…but something awoke in me. Confidence. I had confidence!!!
^^ This year I celebrated my first Lughnasadh where I gathered all the materials, typed out the rituals, and ran the thing from the beginning until the end.
^^ For the first time ever, I held my first ritual after doing my first set of cleansings. I removed the negative energies from my home, and cast aside the weight holding down my wife. She got protection through a ribbon anointed with special water. And that’s something I would have been too scared to do 12-years ago.
For some it may seem silly, and it might just sound like I am over-exaggerating…but to me, it is progress unlike any I have felt before. Even at IJRS with my meditations…that was something I knew I was capable of. The visions, the empathic nature of myself…I was aware. The progress still felt great, it was an accomplishment. But this right here, the act of doing a ritual, lighting that candle with a prayer, and walking around a circle with friends…that (for me) is a feat unlike any other. I feel like it’s something most people take for granted unless (like me) they suffer from that type of extreme anxiety and fear.
So as far as Spirituality goes…I feel like I am closer now to that ‘right direction’ than I have been in a long time. I dedicated an old and unused YouTube Channel to being a “budget witch” where I can do book reviews and tell my personal stories. I think it will be good for me, and good for others.
So there are the aspects of myself where I have fallen behind. My health has been one of those. But, wherein I have fallen behind in some areas, I have made massive leaps ahead in others.
I finally accepted that not all problems can be solved with a stubborn attitude and a bit of random advice. Same as it can not be cured by burning a candle or doing some chanting. But rather, I realized that I need professional help…and so I set that stubbornness aside, and I did it. I did it for myself and for my relationship with my wife.
I am tackling my fears…and though I do feel like getting back into Wicca is the best way to compliment my current beliefs, I have chosen to not dedicate myself immediately, and instead, stay true to the Year-and-a-Day rule. If I can not keep up with my witchy practices…then I will know that maybe it was not truly meant to be.
There are more updates of course, but those are for a different time.
No joke!! This is so amazing and I am so honored to have had the opportunity to have my likeness and the likeness of another special lady in this amazing comic where Mad Maxx meets Lord of the Rings / this amazingly-illustrated world which is the “Lowlife” series.
Lowlife is a fun story set in a post-apocalyptic fantasy realm focusing on a group of villains and their nefarious deeds in a world where Lord of the Rings meets Mad Max. Short Synopsis: When a man with no memory of his past begins to find out that he was not a good person, he does what comes naturally to him. He becomes even worse.
The world known as Thratas is a planet covered by sand, dust and death. What little green there is has been harvested by the lords of the lands to further their wealth and power. The weak die or become slaves, eternally in service to those of means. The lords create weapons and machines of industry in their great cities that cause pollution, making the world even more of a wasteland. Groups of orcs, elves, humans and other races roam the land, scavenging what they can to build their own weapons and ammunition to destroy. Slavery is rampant, both in the wastes and the cities.
…
Lowlife is a comic for mature readers as it contains graphic violence, nudity, adult language and some sexual situations. It is intended to be an ongoing series following the exploits of a band of criminals in a Fantasy meets SciFi/Post-apocalyptic environment.
I have already been told that I will be featured in the first book for a few pages and future books, so please, SUPPORT THIS PROJECT!
This is being created by people that have worked on official comics before, and artwork is being done by the ever-so-talented Avionetca (click her name for her DeviantArt) whom I have had the honor of watching stream a comic she was working on for a friend, the very same friend (Industrial) that got me to pledge my support to this project and is the reason my likeness and that of my wife’s can appear because the rewards are so amazing, they really do appreciate all the help they get in making this comic book and this world come to life!!! do you really need more convincing?
Do you like comics? Do you like fantasy? how about post-apocalyptic worlds? How about me? 😉 Then you will be BLOWN AWAY by lowlife featuring characters made after myself and my wife: Ruby!!!
They have 90% of funding for their first round and the second round will need just as many backers! I already know I will be helping, and, they have amazing perks/rewards for everyone that helps them out. So, if you want to know more, please check out their indiegogo page HERE: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/lowlife-issue-1-comics-fantasy#/
I know it has been a minute since my last update. I was going to write after I had officially been on the program for a full week…but, in the end, since I had an appointment today, I decided to wait until then to actually post and let people know what has been going on. I’m going to categorize things…kinda separate different things that have popped up. I have been on this program now for 2 weeks…and here is what I have been experiencing since I last wrote in this blog.
New side-effects of the pill:
—On top of the dry mouth from hell, I have found out that there are a lot more side-effects to the pill I am taking. Nothing major…just small things that can get on your nerves from time-to-time. I found myself suffering from massive headaches and could not figure out why. At first, I thought it might be my sugar getting low, and then I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawal. But, in the end, it turns out that an actual side-effect to the pill itself is headaches. For now, the headaches have gone down a lot…and it honestly is better when I drink a diet soda (I’m allowed 2-a-day on this diet but only drink 1) // so, it’s not really anything I have had to worry about. But, for a span of about 3 days…it was awful.
Another side-effect of the pill is constipation. This might be TMI…but, I have never been a “regular” person. Ever. Not even as a kid. If I go poop…once every 2 days is normal for me. Three is a little bit stranger…but, once it reaches 4-5 days without anything, I know that I’m constipated. So far…I have been going once only every 4-5 days…and the stool itself is hard and painful. So, I’m going to have to get stool softeners. It’s strange because, I eat a lo of vegetables and drink a lot of water so, to me, I should be going more…but I’m not. Stranger still is that usually when I’m constipated, I feel bloated and full of gas. I am noticing no pain at all outside from the stool itself…my stomach feels fine, I never feel bloated. But, it’s still weird to me when one of the best days I can have is the day when my body finally decides that I need to poop. >.>;;
So, these are the side-effects I skimmed over when first reading about the pill. Like I said, nothing major. It has not really harmed me in any way, and even the dry mouth is not as bad as it was. My only concern is that, like I said before…I’m growing more used to the pill and I’m hungry more often. I still only eat my 3 meals a day (2 of those meals are substitutes) and I never snack. So, I have actually been able to keep that under control.
Cardio:
—One of the biggest things that the ladies stressed with me about this diet was doing 30-minutes of cardio a day. Cardio is my weakness. I can’t doing jumping jacks or jump-rope because of my breasts. Running kills me and there is no good place for me to run where I live. Do I still do it? Yes…I do cardio every day. Do I do 30 minutes of it? Nowhere near. I would love to go speed walking or even bike riding…but those aren’t generally an option. Between the constant shitty weather and the fact that I have no room for a bike, it’s impossible. So, I jump rope…and I suck at it.
People have been telling me: “Go to a Gym, hop on a Treadmill”. I would love to. But, my wife is my ride and I have no Gym to go to that I can afford. So…while that is a very lovely option…just trust me when I say that it’s not possible.
While I may not do 30 minutes of cardio…I do exercise for 30-minutes or longer each day. I do around 60+ crunches, I lift weights, I plank, I do other exercises, sit-ups, assisted push-ups, and whatever else I can think of. I make sure I’m sweating, that I’m tired, and that I’m sore. I do not work every day as hard as I should…and I’m ashamed of that, but, I’m getting better at it. I’m still trying to get the hang of things.
Possibly going to try new supplements within diet:
—Here recently on FB a friend of my wife’s has been trying Herbalife for meal supplements. She has lost weight really fast while on this program and said it was safe to try with the Lipo-den. Right now, the best meal supplements I have are my slim-fast shakes. While those hold me over, they are still not really within the regulations of my diet…and so, I’m looking for something better. I might actually give Herbalife a shot…but, I’m still not sure. That’s just more money that I really don’t want I or my wife to spend.
Struggling with carbs:
—One of the biggest thing I struggle with when it comes to this diet is counting my carbs. I’m lazy and don’t like reading nutrition labels and etc. I thought that I was fine just following the approved foods list. But, this is not the case. Turns out that my 2-slim fast shakes a day goes 1 gram over what I’m allotted for carb intake. I am only allowed 35 grams of carbs per day as well as 30 grams of fat. I never go over my fat limit… but in carbs I am still taking in anywhere between 60-81 a day. So, I really need to sit down and figure out a better dinner for myself as going one gram over is fine…
2-week appointment:
—I finally had my 2 week appointment…and, in my clothes and still wearing my shoes, I am down to 220! That’s 5 pounds lost in 2 weeks! I actually do not think that is bad at all…and even my wife says that she has been seeing results! So, if I can control the carbs and such, I feel like I can only do better next time around!
I also got another injection today, and I’m supposed to get one every 2 weeks until I have reached 2-months worth of shots. They do it every 2 weeks to keep the chemicals flowing through your system. The only problem with this, is that I am leaving for California here soon…and I can not make a mid-month appointment…or any appointments for that month at all. So, my next injection is not until July…and I worry that this will seriously affect my diet and keep me from seeing results. I’m not even sure what all the injection does other than help control sugar cravings and give me a boost of energy (as well as flushing all the bad stuff out of my liver).
Not to mention I will have to refill my pills while I am in Cali as well. It was poor planning as well as not really knowing how the program worked…which is essentially my fault. At this pace…if I can lose 5 pounds every 2 weeks…Then in 2-months I should be down to 200 pounds, and then in another 2-months, I will reach my goal of 180. Then, I will just stay on the pills from then-on (for awhile) until I can maintain my weight. Or, if my wife agrees…I might stay on the program until I can reach 150. But…small goal first is 180 and then we will see where I feel like going from there.
Some people lost more weight than I did…and I admit that in some areas I am slacking. But, all-in-all, I’m very happy with the results I have gotten and what little results I have seen.
So…in conclusion to all this…there might not be another update for awhile. Since I will be gone the whole month of June, I doubt I will have any time to post again until some time in July. Thank you all for being patient with me, supporting me, and offering me advice. Also…for those that had questions about the program, I’m always happy to answer those questions.
Big questions I seemed to get last blog post concerned calorie counting. I do NOT count calories. The sheet they gave me said nothing about calories, so, I do not even worry about it. The only thing that the paper is concerned about is the carb limit, the fat limit, and staying away from as many sugars and non-approved foods as possible. This is mostly breads and starches…all things that any diet would tell you to stay away from anyways. Also…another person asked if I’m starving myself. NO. I am in no way starving. With the pills gone, I get hungry more often than I did first starting the pill…but I manage that with drinking lots of water. I still eat 3 meals and have gone back to eating regular portions (since at first I was eating half that) // but I do not snack and never go back for seconds on a plate. I have my wife make up my plate so that I’m not throwing more on my plate than what I need. ALSO…if I’m full, I notice a lot quicker and never force myself to eat more like I used to. So, I’d say the program has been working really well.
Thanks again for tuning in…and, I will see you all in the next one 😉
I know that it seems like it has been awhile since I posted. Maybe that’s just me…but, while I have wanted to keep a steady report on my weight loss stuff, the internet at my place of work has not been connecting, and, by the time I make it home, it’s already late (basically time enough for dinner, for working out, and then for relaxing a little before a shower and then bed).
I have made another video blog…
This time it’s about the pill that I’m taking. The pill itself is called: Phentermine Hydrochloride // it’s an appetite suppressant that keeps me from having random cravings as well as keeping my body energized. It’s coming up on being a week since I started taking the pill, and I find that the worst side-effect and only side-effect is severe dry-mouth:
The pills themselves did not make me hungry at first…it was a struggle eating at all. But, here recently…I find myself being more hungry and wanting to eat more rather than just a few bites. It has me worried because I feel like my cravings are coming back…but then again, I have been exercising more, so maybe it’s just my metabolism kicking in? I have only been eating about 2 meals a day…and have been snacking on cheese which I need to stop doing. I need to remember that protein shakes are for cravings and I probably need to start drinking that veggie gel again to keep my hunger in check.
I can’t say that I’m not worried about this. I feel like if nothing comes of this…then the $200 was for nothing. I know I need help…I can’t lose this weight with my will alone. I know that it has only been a week…but, that does not stop me from being paranoid. I want to succeed in this. I want to be healthy again, be sexy again…all of that.
So…one thing I notice more and more as time goes on is that I am suffering from really bad headaches. I can’t tell whether its a sugar problem (since I’m not allowed to have sugars) or whether or not it’s a caffeine withdrawal. I can’t have soda or even coffee anymore (unless it’s decaf). I have only been drinking water for the past week (minus the one sarsaparilla I allowed myself). I will also have to cheat tomorrow (the 18th of May 2016) because I have to have blood work done. I can’t have blood drawn without some sort of sugar in me. The last time they attempted to do it, I had only drank one slim fast and then had 3 carrots…and I nearly blacked out.
But…because I will be eating sugar and bread most likely…it’s slim fast for me the rest of the night. >.>
I’m finding that the hardest thing about this new weight-loss thing is actually doing the exercise. The diet is fine…it lets me eat all the things I love. However, doing 30 minutes of cardio is proving to be near impossible. I babysit all day…and 3 days out of that 5…I have a kid that I can not take outside with me because he is too much to handle (doesn’t behave, still likes sticking foreign objects in his mouth, requires constant supervision). I have been trying to do the cardio as much as I can, and while it may not all be cardio, I have been exercising for 30 minutes a day (on bad days I still manage a good 22 at least). I’m trying…but it’s just me.
My wife is very supportive…but in the end, I do all my exercises alone. It is purely up to me to do them, to make myself do them…and it’s very hard. I feel like if I had a bicycle…things would be different. Then I could ride it on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 30 minutes with the one kid…and then could take said-bike home one those days I couldn’t use it and then ride at home. But, then storage becomes an issue. So either way, no matter how much I want a bicycle…right now between the cost, storage, and luggage issue…it just seems impossible.
However…the pools will be opening soon…and then I can do my night swimming like I was before. It says that swimming is allowed on the paper, and I think that would be good for me. I can easily swim for 30 minutes and then go home and complete my other exercises. While I’m in Cali though (which happens starting June), the cardio will be even harder though. I will have to make my own time away from my wife while she is visiting with her brother…plus, I will be in a strange house.
So…it’s a constant struggle of sorts…trying to figure out what to do, how to do it…and whether or not I’m doing enough? working out for 25-30 minutes has me sweating and breathing hard. However…some of the “cardio” that I do does not even make me break a sweat. I’m trying to mix so many things together to get a result. Plus, I need to start counting the calories of my meals starting next week. The paper they gave me at the clinic limits some things like carbs and fat…and I have not been counting that. I honestly forgot about it…but, now I have to be more careful. That’s a lot of calculating and all it’s going to do is make my diet even harder.
I know that means eating even less than I have been…and I know it will stress my wife out if I can’t eat like she does (she has a guilt complex about it). So…gotta find that paper and then start getting better at…everything essentially.
Anymore…it’s more fear of this not working than anything else that makes me work harder. I don’t want this to be a waste of money.
More vlogs to come later…
So, I will see you in the next one.
While it has been awhile, we can all agree that the one thing I tend to talk about the most is when asking about advice and/or making plans to lose some weight. I can not say I have always “struggled” with me weight…because, that’s not the case. Back in 2011 I was the heaviest had ever been (at that point) at 190. I freaked out…
My partner at the time was also getting heavier, and not too long after I started trying to eat healthier and do more to lose weight she decided to go military…so, by 2012, I was working out at the Gym 5 days out of the week. I lost some weight during this time…I managed to get down to 170 which was pretty good (because my comfort zone is 180). But, once my ex left for Basic Training…I lost motivation, cancelled out my gym Membership (because she left me high and dry on bills that I now had to cover all on my own)—I started feeling heavy again.
Well, that changed when I took up playing Airsoft. I started running with a Veteran friend of mine 3 days a week…was jogging at work, and I saved up enough money to buy appetite suppressants and vitamins to keep me energized and keep me eating healthy. I cut out most soda, I stopped eating junk food and was eating healthier. I eventually got down to 150 pounds and had never felt sexier. I felt thin, I felt like I had all the energy in the world. I was doing pretty good. I felt like I was in a good place.
Fast forward to Germany…my whole life changes. I can no longer play Airsoft. I’m not comfortable with running around my neighborhood and anywhere for that matter. My diet is changing…and my work schedule has me exhausted…and I was not even doing the same job (the new position had me standing all day rather than walking). I started gaining weight again…but, with how much I was traveling and always walking to get from point A to point B, I never got above 180…which again, is where I’m actually pretty comfortable.
Life spins me around some more…I finally stop hanging around my abusive ex, I move on with my life. I’m happy with someone who finally…gets me. She never tells me I’m fat or that I should be thin enough to wear a bikini. She LOVES big girls, and enjoys all my curves. I’m comfortable. I’m living in Texas, all my bills are paid…I’m well fed, I’m spoiled. But, I get SUPER lazy. In being comfortable and happy, I gain so much weight that working out is near impossible. I tried diets…but the diets left me constantly starving, I was in pain. No amount of shakes or water to fill my gut could kill the cravings. pills to give me more energy so that I could cut out soda did not help anymore…Exercises were either too much to where I wrecked my body and could not move for 3 days – or, they were too little and I was not seeing results. Diets would have me losing 2 pounds just to gain it back in a matter of days when I was allowed my “cheats”, and the other diets that were guaranteed to work were making me bulky…and I was not losing any fat.
So here we are today where I am at my highest which is 225.
I’m miserable. I’m not one to go to extremes…but, it finally dawned on me last week that, the simplest tasks wind me. When I used to climb the stairs to my apartment, I was fine. Now, I’m struggling to get up that last step, I’m out of breath, and the first thing I do once I am inside is sit on the futon to recover. I cannot carry all the groceries I used to up the stairs without really hurting myself. Even kicking off blankets leaves me feeling tired…it’s unnatural. I’m extremely unhealthy. Everything leaves me out of breath…and not only has it become a physical health issue…but, a mental health issue too. I find myself being more depressed. My libido is still extremely active, but, with how I feel about myself…my wife does not ever feel in the mood. And, I don’t blame her. If I don’t feel sexy…then what’s the point? My image of myself I think is disgusting…it’s not me. Then I hear people looking at my old photos and saying: “You were so skinny! Omigosh you were so pretty!” and then I want to cry. My wife tells me every day that I’m beautiful…but I also know that the beauty she sees now is different from the beauty she sees in my other photos. I’m someone you can love and cherish…the old me, the me I want to be again…is that person you lust over because she is so hot. THAT is what I want back…
I want back that confidence…even that bit of ego that came with it. I knew I was smokin’ and could get anything I wanted with my looks. I want that power back…because I was happier then (with my weight).
So…knowing that my health was now at risk…I finally made the decision to do a Lipo-Den shot and weight loss package. The shot itself is a mixture of B-12 vitamins and other components to flush out fat from the liver, burn off fat, and to help with certain cravings. Then the appetite suppressant leaves me feeling fuller faster, and it keeps me from feelign hungry later. It comes with a diet that is like a modified Atkins Diet…not as strict as Atkins…but follows the same basis of high-protein, low-carb // not to mention I am now required to work out for AT LEAST 30 minutes every single day. It’s not going to be easy…but it has gotten results in soldiers that use it to pass weight and tape. Not to mention, this program is something I can keep doing for as long as I want with no negative effects to my body.
It seemed pretty drastic to some…
While a lot of people were rooting me on and asking me to keep them updated on if it worked, other people were not so sure about it and said that if I wanted to lose weight. I could just diet and workout without spending the money and get the same results. But…that’s not so true. When you’re my weight, suffering from all these problems…and you HAVE been working out, and you HAVE been dieting with little to no results…and your health is STILL getting worse…sometimes these things are necessary. It’s not about whether or not I’m still gorgeous—I am still pretty (to me and others) but, it’s my health that is important. Mentally and physically, it is my health that actually matters to me.
So…I got the injection today and will be picking up my prescription tonight.
I start everything tomorrow so, tonight it my last night to splurge.
I still have to get my blood-work in to them within 7 days before I can get my next injection and/or get my refill. So, there’s that. My next appointment is on the 26th of this month, and every week I plan on vlogging my progress. I will discuss any side-effects of the stuff I am taking…talk about my progress if there is one. Also talk about exercising and all that stuff.
My minimum goal is to get back down to 180…and my max goal is to get back down to 150. It’s the start of my new journey…and, I only hope it’s one that gets me to where I want to be. So, wish me luck I guess?
…something…a thought…it has been re-occurring to me over and over again lately and giving me a chuckle. I see these posts online, people complaining about being the “black sheep” of the family and how hard it is. I laugh because it seems pretty pathetic…seems something stupid to complain about. A black sheep is still a sheep nonetheless. So, what’s the problem? And then I’m reminded that, even my wool is not so white…
I remember when I first started taking control…when I first started to understand that I was old enough to pave my own way. To break outside of the mold that my parents had made for me…to break away from that model of a perfect person everyone else expected of me. I won’t say it was liberating…because at first, I too felt the sting at what people consider being the “black sheep” to be. I remember telling people that I was dropping out of college. At least for a year until I could figure myself out. I had hopped into a private school because my parents wanted the best for me…had taken on a major in Psychology because people told me it suited me, that I would be good at it, and go figure, they said I would love the money. But, while psychology was an amazing study, the career did not sit well with me. It was not something I would enjoy. Human Services was no better, it was not for me. And, Music Therapy…I could not see myself ever having a stable career in it. I needed something different, and, because I did not know what…heaven forbid I quit school instead of staying in a place that was going to cost me $32,000 a year and had already put me into $15,000 in debt because they took my grants away.
My Mother and Father were…disappointed. They wanted me to give them my next move, my next plan of action. They wanted me to have my whole future laid out NOW, NOW,NOW! If I wasn’t getting scolded for not working enough hours to pay my own bills (because…you know, I had school to do as well), then I was scolded for dropping out and not having a plan. Not to mention that I was in my first real relationship at the time, and suddenly everything was blamed on this new love interest of mine, how she had turned me into a rebel, how I was probably doing drugs, and was obviously skipping classes for sex. Even my classmates looked down on me for decisions that were of my control and I had good reason for making…but, it was outside of the norm. I was EXPECTED to stay in school. I was EXPECTED to suffer and barely pass…to get a degree I did not even want, OR to switch majors until I found my true calling as if the loans piling up did not even matter. There were no drugs, and yes…I was drinking sometimes, and yes, I would not always go to class…but the grades were average because college was hard. The reason I quit was the debt and knowing that I was burnt out and not even interested in any career path the private school could offer me.
Then suddenly…I was given a choice: Quit my girlfriend and go back to school (take on more hours too), or move out.
This sheep chose to move out.
Moving out was not so bad. Yes, there were times I struggled, there were moments I was still going home to wash some laundry or my Mother and/or Father was bringing me over dinner, or a blanket, or some other random appliance I might need. But, I was free. No longer was I thinking about how much of a failure I was to everyone else…I was thinking about my life, how best to experience it, how best to truly live it. Things were…calm (for the most part). Then, I decided to move to the capital.
It was another bad move I guess…just one more notch on my belt. How dare I consider even for a moment, moving to a new city and starting my life over??? I remember being scolded: “You’ll get raped” , “If your car breaks down, how can I help you?” , and even better…”If you move, then don’t bother calling me ever again”. Harsh, right? Why? Because I would be looking for a job, because I would be living with my lover’s Mom…there were so many uncertainties that people just assumed I was better off living in a black-hole town with no way of ever having a better life until I got some degree. I did not want to work as a Temp the rest of my life, did not want to juggle that with fast-food and taking part-time classes because it’s all I could focus on while trying to pay the bills. I did not want to be ‘stuck’ the rest of my life…did not want to end up just another family member with a list of regrets, with a list of things they wished they could have done and would have done…but they never did because they did not want to take a risk. They did not want to tackle anything that did not have a 100% chance of succeeded. I refused to live that life of fear, refused to hide behind security and live a boring and uneventful life. If I fell down, so what? I would scrape my knees, they would bleed…but ultimately, they would heal and I could try again. So again…I could hear the whispers behind my back at every turn.
I was the girl whom in school had the 3.6 GPA, whom had gotten the scholarships. I was supposed to be going somewhere. But then wait…I was a lesbian, so much for their dreams of me finding a rich husband. So much for their dreams of me being mother to a bazillion children…I could hear them: Oh, I liked video-games? Not normal for a girl like me. I was a Furry? Aren’t they animal fuckers? Again, I had let them down.
And now…now I was the dropout wanting to move away with my fuck buddy to a new city where no one could keep an eye out on me while I lived my life? For shame…
It’s funny. It makes me laugh. I laugh to think that I even cared back then…that these thoughts hurt me or they even broke my heart. I hate that these thoughts even made me angry because why was I supposed to be what everyone else wanted, but, not what I wanted? Every career choice I wanted was not good enough because it never made enough money. Every mistake of every friend and family member was thrust upon me as if I had to suffer their same fate for whatever reason. As if, because they failed at something, I was doomed to fail at it too. the ignorance of it all still astounds me.
I remember finally getting established in Indianapolis and finally people started coming to see me. Family visited, saw how well off I was and they were finally proud of me. they realized they had been wrong…and just knowing that they said they were really happy for me, I took that as “Hey…sorry for being such an asshat.” There were no hard feelings and life was good…until I decided I was moving to Germany. Suddenly all those questions came hitting me again like a truck: “I thought you said you were going back to school?” , “It’s too dangerous, you’re going to get killed!”, “We can’t save you if you move across the Country!”, “Two years is too long…you don’t need to move to Germany, just save up money and visit your woman when you can”.
Some people were supportive…but most people were not. Every day up to the day I left was one more conversation after the next of why I shouldn’t leave, why it was a dumb idea. Experiences and regrets being projected onto me like I too was cursed and if I left, would never make it back alive. again people would whisper…I was once again the odd one, the black sheep, under the spotlight because I was doing something crazy…because I actually wanted to live my life and pave my way on my own. Because I had a choice, I had a voice, and everyone else saw it as blasphemy, saw it as rebellion. It wasn’t rebellion, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make amazing memories. It wasn’t there life to live it was MINE and I was taking control.
So I went to Germany…their voices, their chains could not hold me. Even now I know that had I stayed in the States, I would have regretted it forever, would have hated every moment. And, knowing that I met my wife there…in that place, so far away from all I had ever known. It shows me even more how I made the right choice. That by being what people call the “black sheep” and by leaving with my middle finger up in the fucking air, I was in control of my life, I was in control of my own happiness…I was taken action towards the betterment of ME, MYSELF, and I…and I was doing something and feeling something that those other people will never know.
Germany was not easy…and while it’s hard to admit, yes, there were places where people ended up right. I was molested by a stranger that had walked me to my apartment after a late shift…I had been homeless upon first arriving. The person I traveled there for cheated on me numerous times and by the end of it all kicked me off of base not caring what happened to me. I was depressed at times…there were dark places that I was surprised I made it out of alive. But, there was also the beautiful memories. My travels, going to Italy for my birthday. The sports bar, my friends, my Godson…meeting my beautiful wife. Nothing could make me think twice about doing it all over again…
…if given a time machine, there would be nothing I would go back and change in order to try and fix it. Because you know what? My life doesn’t need fixing…I don’t need fixing. And most importantly…I do not need some other person’s approval to be happy and live the life I want and deserve.
Even today when I could not be happier…there are those that tell me to do better, that I deserve better, that I could have more, that I should have come back home. But what do they even know? Do they even know me anymore? And…if they really ‘cared’ about me like they claim, then, wouldn’t they be happy that I’m finally happy? That I’m in a healthy relationship? That I have my own place, that all my bills are paid, that I’m well fed and spoiled? do they even care that this is the life I always dreamed of? why are they so hell bent on trying to pull me like I’m their puppet on a string…why are they so convinced that if I am not living the life that they want for me that I’m not happy?
Yes…I’m going back to school, yes, I already have my career path picked out. But it’s no one’s business to know the when and the how. It’s no one’s business to say that my being a babysitter is not a real job or that I should be doing more. It’s no one’s business to know when my wedding is, or when certain things are happening…or even when I might be coming home for a visit. My life is no one’s business, and no one has room to talk when it comes to the way I am living. Because this body, this life, these experiences…they only belong to me. And what I choose to do with it all is the only thing that matters. The rest is all talk…these labels are just your way of saying that you’re so discontent with yourself that you have to be more discontent with someone else’s life just to feel better. All of that is on you…and it will never weigh me down again.
So…never complain of being the black sheep. Rock that wool, flaunt it. If you’re in control of your own life, your own happiness…if being this black sheep is a result in you taking action and breaking free of the mold someone else made for you…then don’t lament. Be proud. Because you’re not the slave of your fears and insecurities like everyone else…you are unique, you will pave the way to your own happiness…you my friend, your wool may not be as white…but you are FREE.
Mia's Challenge 