Archive for the ‘Diet & Exercise’ Category


I know it has been a minute since my last update. I was going to write after I had officially been on the program for a full week…but, in the end, since I had an appointment today, I decided to wait until then to actually post and let people know what has been going on. I’m going to categorize things…kinda separate different things that have popped up. I have been on this program now for 2 weeks…and here is what I have been experiencing since I last wrote in this blog.

  • New side-effects of the pill:

—On top of the dry mouth from hell, I have found out that there are a lot more side-effects to the pill I am taking. Nothing major…just small things that can get on your nerves from time-to-time. I found myself suffering from massive headaches and could not figure out why. At first, I thought it might be my sugar getting low, and then I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawal. But, in the end, it turns out that an actual side-effect to the pill itself is headaches. For now, the headaches have gone down a lot…and it honestly is better when I drink a diet soda (I’m allowed 2-a-day on this diet but only drink 1) // so, it’s not really anything I have had to worry about. But, for a span of about 3 days…it was awful.

Another side-effect of the pill is constipation. This might be TMI…but, I have never been a “regular” person. Ever. Not even as a kid. If I go poop…once every 2 days is normal for me. Three is a little bit stranger…but, once it reaches 4-5 days without anything, I know that I’m constipated. So far…I have been going once only every 4-5 days…and the stool itself is hard and painful. So, I’m going to have to get stool softeners. It’s strange because, I eat a lo of vegetables and drink a lot of water so, to me, I should be going more…but I’m not. Stranger still is that usually when I’m constipated, I feel bloated and full of gas. I am noticing no pain at all outside from the stool itself…my stomach feels fine, I never feel bloated. But, it’s still weird to me when one of the best days I can have is the day when my body finally decides that I need to poop. >.>;;

So, these are the side-effects I skimmed over when first reading about the pill. Like I said, nothing major. It has not really harmed me in any way, and even the dry mouth is not as bad as it was. My only concern is that, like I said before…I’m growing more used to the pill and I’m hungry more often. I still only eat my 3 meals a day (2 of those meals are substitutes) and I never snack. So, I have actually been able to keep that under control.

  • Cardio:

—One of the biggest things that the ladies stressed with me about this diet was doing 30-minutes of cardio a day. Cardio is my weakness. I can’t doing jumping jacks or jump-rope because of my breasts. Running kills me and there is no good place for me to run where I live. Do I still do it? Yes…I do cardio every day. Do I do 30 minutes of it? Nowhere near. I would love to go speed walking or even bike riding…but those aren’t generally an option. Between the constant shitty weather and the fact that I have no room for a bike, it’s impossible. So, I jump rope…and I suck at it.

People have been telling me: “Go to a Gym, hop on a Treadmill”. I would love to. But, my wife is my ride and I have no Gym to go to that I can afford. So…while that is a very lovely option…just trust me when I say that it’s not possible.

While I may not do 30 minutes of cardio…I do exercise for 30-minutes or longer each day. I do around 60+ crunches, I lift weights, I plank, I do other exercises, sit-ups, assisted push-ups, and whatever else I can think of. I make sure I’m sweating, that I’m tired, and that I’m sore. I do not work every day as hard as I should…and I’m ashamed of that, but, I’m getting better at it. I’m still trying to get the hang of things.

  • Possibly going to try new supplements within diet:

—Here recently on FB a friend of my wife’s has been trying Herbalife for meal supplements. She has lost weight really fast while on this program and said it was safe to try with the Lipo-den. Right now, the best meal supplements I have are my slim-fast shakes. While those hold me over, they are still not really within the regulations of my diet…and so, I’m looking for something better. I might actually give Herbalife a shot…but, I’m still not sure. That’s just more money that I really don’t want I or my wife to spend.

  • Struggling with carbs:

—One of the biggest thing I struggle with when it comes to this diet is counting my carbs. I’m lazy and don’t like reading nutrition labels and etc. I thought that I was fine just following the approved foods list. But, this is not the case. Turns out that my 2-slim fast shakes a day goes 1 gram over what I’m allotted for carb intake. I am only allowed 35 grams of carbs per day as well as 30 grams of fat. I never go over my fat limit… but in carbs I am still taking in anywhere between 60-81 a day. So, I really need to sit down and figure out a better dinner for myself as going one gram over is fine…

  • 2-week appointment:

—I finally had my 2 week appointment…and, in my clothes and still wearing my shoes, I am down to 220! That’s 5 pounds lost in 2 weeks! I actually do not think that is bad at all…and even my wife says that she has been seeing results! So, if I can control the carbs and such, I feel like I can only do better next time around!

I also got another injection today, and I’m supposed to get one every 2 weeks until I have reached 2-months worth of shots. They do it every 2 weeks to keep the chemicals flowing through your system. The only problem with this, is that I am leaving for California here soon…and I can not make a mid-month appointment…or any appointments for that month at all. So, my next injection is not until July…and I worry that this will seriously affect my diet and keep me from seeing results. I’m not even sure what all the injection does other than help control sugar cravings and give me a boost of energy (as well as flushing all the bad stuff out of my liver).

Not to mention I will have to refill my pills while I am in Cali as well. It was poor planning as well as not really knowing how the program worked…which is essentially my fault. At this pace…if I can lose 5 pounds every 2 weeks…Then in 2-months I should be down to 200 pounds, and then in another 2-months, I will reach my goal of 180. Then, I will just stay on the pills from then-on (for awhile) until I can maintain my weight. Or, if my wife agrees…I might stay on the program until I can reach 150. But…small goal first is 180 and then we will see where I feel like going from there.

Some people lost more weight than I did…and I admit that in some areas I am slacking. But, all-in-all, I’m very happy with the results I have gotten and what little results I have seen.


So…in conclusion to all this…there might not be another update for awhile. Since I will be gone the whole month of June, I doubt I will have any time to post again until some time in July. Thank you all for being patient with me, supporting me, and offering me advice. Also…for those that had questions about the program, I’m always happy to answer those questions.
Big questions I seemed to get last blog post concerned calorie counting. I do NOT count calories. The sheet they gave me said nothing about calories, so, I do not even worry about it. The only thing that the paper is concerned about is the carb limit, the fat limit, and staying away from as many sugars and non-approved foods as possible. This is mostly breads and starches…all things that any diet would tell you to stay away from anyways. Also…another person asked if I’m starving myself. NO. I am in no way starving. With the pills gone, I get hungry more often than I did first starting the pill…but I manage that with drinking lots of water. I still eat 3 meals and have gone back to eating regular portions (since at first I was eating half that) // but I do not snack and never go back for seconds on a plate. I have my wife make up my plate so that I’m not throwing more on my plate than what I need. ALSO…if I’m full, I notice a lot quicker and never force myself to eat more like I used to. So, I’d say the program has been working really well.


Thanks again for tuning in…and, I will see you all in the next one ūüėČ



I know that it seems like it has been awhile since I posted. Maybe that’s just me…but, while I have wanted to keep a steady report on my weight loss stuff, the internet at my place of work has not been connecting, and, by the time I make it home, it’s already late (basically time enough for dinner, for working out, and then for relaxing a little before a shower and then bed).

I have made another video blog…
This time it’s about the pill that I’m taking. The pill itself is called: Phentermine Hydrochloride // it’s an appetite suppressant that keeps me from having random cravings as well as keeping my body energized. It’s coming up on being a week since I started taking the pill, and I find that the worst side-effect and only side-effect is severe dry-mouth:


The pills themselves did not make me hungry at first…it was a struggle eating at all. But, here recently…I find myself being more hungry and wanting to eat more rather than just a few bites. It has me worried because I feel like my cravings are coming back…but then again, I have been exercising more, so maybe it’s just my metabolism kicking in? I have only been eating about 2 meals a day…and have been snacking on cheese which I need to stop doing. I need to remember that protein shakes are for cravings and I probably need to start drinking that veggie gel again to keep my hunger in check.

I can’t say that I’m not worried about this. I feel like if nothing comes of this…then the $200 was for nothing. I know I need help…I can’t lose this weight with my will alone. I know that it has only been a week…but, that does not stop me from being paranoid. I want to succeed in this. I want to be healthy again, be sexy again…all of that.
So…one thing I notice more and more as time goes on is that I am suffering from really bad headaches. I can’t tell whether its a sugar problem (since I’m not allowed to have sugars) or whether or not it’s a caffeine withdrawal. I can’t have soda or even coffee anymore (unless it’s decaf). I have only been drinking water for the past week (minus the one sarsaparilla I allowed myself). I will also have to cheat tomorrow (the 18th of May 2016) because I have to have blood work done. I can’t have blood drawn without some sort of sugar in me. The last time they attempted to do it, I had only drank one slim fast and then had 3 carrots…and I nearly blacked out.

But…because I will be eating sugar and bread most likely…it’s slim fast for me the rest of the night. >.>

I’m finding that the hardest thing about this new weight-loss thing is actually doing the exercise. The diet is fine…it lets me eat all the things I love. However, doing 30 minutes of cardio is proving to be near impossible. I babysit all day…and 3 days out of that 5…I have a kid that I can not take outside with me because he is too much to handle (doesn’t behave, still likes sticking foreign objects in his mouth, requires constant supervision). I have been trying to do the cardio as much as I can, and while it may not all be cardio, I have been exercising for 30 minutes a day (on bad days I still manage a good 22 at least). I’m trying…but it’s just me.

My wife is very supportive…but in the end, I do all my exercises alone. It is purely up to me to do them, to make myself do them…and it’s very hard. I feel like if I had a bicycle…things would be different. Then I could ride it on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 30 minutes with the one kid…and then could take said-bike home one those days I couldn’t use it and then ride at home. But, then storage becomes an issue. So either way, no matter how much I want a bicycle…right now between the cost, storage, and luggage issue…it just seems impossible.

However…the pools will be opening soon…and then I can do my night swimming like I was before. It says that swimming is allowed on the paper, and I think that would be good for me. I can easily swim for 30 minutes and then go home and complete my other exercises. While I’m in Cali though (which happens starting June), the cardio will be even harder though. I will have to make my own time away from my wife while she is visiting with her brother…plus, I will be in a strange house.

So…it’s a constant struggle of sorts…trying to figure out what to do, how to do it…and whether or not I’m doing enough? working out for 25-30 minutes has me sweating and breathing hard. However…some of the “cardio” that I do does not even make me break a sweat. I’m trying to mix so many things together to get a result. Plus, I need to start counting the calories of my meals starting next week. The paper they gave me at the clinic limits some things like carbs and fat…and I have not been counting that. I honestly forgot about it…but, now I have to be more careful. That’s a lot of calculating and all it’s going to do is make my diet even harder.

I know that means eating even less than I have been…and I know it will stress my wife out if I can’t eat like she does (she has a guilt complex about it). So…gotta find that paper and then start getting better at…everything essentially.

Anymore…it’s more fear of this not working than anything else that makes me work harder. I don’t want this to be a waste of money.

More vlogs to come later…
So, I will see you in the next one.


While it has been awhile, we can all agree that the one thing I tend to talk about the most is when asking about advice and/or making plans to lose some weight. I can not say I have always “struggled” with me weight…because, that’s not the case. Back in 2011 I was the heaviest had ever been (at that point) at 190. I freaked out…
My partner at the time was also getting heavier, and not too long after I started trying to eat healthier and do more to lose weight she decided to go military…so, by 2012, I was working out at the Gym 5 days out of the week. I lost some weight during this time…I managed to get down to 170 which was pretty good (because my comfort zone is 180). But, once my ex left for Basic Training…I lost motivation, cancelled out my gym Membership (because she left me high and dry on bills that I now had to cover all on my own)—I started feeling heavy again.

Well, that changed when I took up playing Airsoft. I started running with a Veteran friend of mine 3 days a week…was jogging at work, and I saved up enough money to buy appetite suppressants and vitamins to keep me energized and keep me eating healthy. I cut out most soda, I stopped eating junk food and was eating healthier. I eventually got down to 150 pounds and had never felt sexier. I felt thin, I felt like I had all the energy in the world. I was doing pretty good. I felt like I was in a good place.

Fast forward to Germany…my whole life changes. I can no longer play Airsoft. I’m not comfortable with running around my neighborhood and anywhere for that matter. My diet is changing…and my work schedule has me exhausted…and I was not even doing the same job (the new position had me standing all day rather than walking). I started gaining weight again…but, with how much I was traveling and always walking to get from point A to point B, I never got above 180…which again, is where I’m actually pretty comfortable.

Life spins me around some more…I finally stop hanging around my abusive ex, I move on with my life. I’m happy with someone who finally…gets me. She never tells me I’m fat or that I should be thin enough to wear a bikini. She LOVES big girls, and enjoys all my curves. I’m comfortable. I’m living in Texas, all my bills are paid…I’m well fed, I’m spoiled. But, I get SUPER lazy. In being comfortable and happy, I gain so much weight that working out is near impossible. I tried diets…but the diets left me constantly starving, I was in pain. No amount of shakes or water to fill my gut could kill the cravings. pills to give me more energy so that I could cut out soda did not help anymore…Exercises were either too much to where I wrecked my body and could not move for 3 days – or, they were too little and I was not seeing results. Diets would have me losing 2 pounds just to gain it back in a matter of days when I was allowed my “cheats”, and the other diets that were guaranteed to work were making me bulky…and I was not losing any fat.

So here we are today where I am at my highest which is 225.
I’m miserable. I’m not one to go to extremes…but, it finally dawned on me last week that, the simplest tasks wind me. When I used to climb the stairs to my apartment, I was fine. Now, I’m struggling to get up that last step, I’m out of breath, and the first thing I do once I am inside is sit on the futon to recover. I cannot carry all the groceries I used to up the stairs without really hurting myself. Even kicking off blankets leaves me feeling tired…it’s unnatural. I’m extremely unhealthy. Everything leaves me out of breath…and not only has it become a physical health issue…but, a mental health issue too. I find myself being more depressed. My libido is still extremely active, but, with how I feel about myself…my wife does not ever feel in the mood. And, I don’t blame her. If I don’t feel sexy…then what’s the point? My image of myself I think is disgusting…it’s not me. Then I hear people looking at my old photos and saying: “You were so skinny! Omigosh you were so pretty!” and then I want to cry. My wife tells me every day that I’m beautiful…but I also know that the beauty she sees now is different from the beauty she sees in my other photos. I’m someone you can love and cherish…the old me, the me I want to be again…is that person you lust over because she is so hot. THAT is what I want back…
I want back that confidence…even that bit of ego that came with it. I knew I was smokin’ and could get anything I wanted with my looks. I want that power back…because I was happier then (with my weight).

So…knowing that my health was now at risk…I finally made the decision to do a Lipo-Den shot and weight loss package. The shot itself is a mixture of B-12 vitamins and other components to flush out fat from the liver, burn off fat, and to help with certain cravings. Then the appetite suppressant leaves me feeling fuller faster, and it keeps me from feelign hungry later. It comes with a diet that is like a modified Atkins Diet…not as strict as Atkins…but follows the same basis of high-protein, low-carb // not to mention I am now required to work out for AT LEAST 30 minutes every single day. It’s not going to be easy…but it has gotten results in soldiers that use it to pass weight and tape. Not to mention, this program is something I can keep doing for as long as I want with no negative effects to my body.

It seemed pretty drastic to some…
While a lot of people were rooting me on and asking me to keep them updated on if it worked, other people were not so sure about it and said that if I wanted to lose weight. I could just diet and workout without spending the money and get the same results. But…that’s not so true. When you’re my weight, suffering from all these problems…and you HAVE been working out, and you HAVE been dieting with little to no results…and your health is STILL getting worse…sometimes these things are necessary. It’s not about whether or not I’m still gorgeous—I am still pretty (to me and others) but, it’s my health that is important. Mentally and physically, it is my health that actually matters to me.

So…I got the injection today and will be picking up my prescription tonight.

I start everything tomorrow so, tonight it my last night to splurge.
I still have to get my blood-work in to them within 7 days before I can get my next injection and/or get my refill. So, there’s that. My next appointment is on the 26th of this month, and every week I plan on vlogging my progress. I will discuss any side-effects of the stuff I am taking…talk about my progress if there is one. Also talk about exercising and all that stuff.

My minimum goal is to get back down to 180…and my max goal is to get back down to 150. It’s the start of my new journey…and, I only hope it’s one that gets me to where I want to be. So, wish me luck I guess?


So, the gym has been a work-in-progress.
With my partner working extended hours, and then me no longer hvaing¬† vehicle…at home workouts were working, but eating after the holidays made things a bit challenging.

The workout were making me bulk and not really slim…and most of that was due to my diet. So, was at a party with friends and one of them used to body-build in Korea (while he was deployed there), and needless to say this man was HUGE and knew what he was doing. He gave me a diet that would help me slim down…he warned me ahead of time that I was going to be super hungry, but, at least it would work.

I will admit…I have never had to really diet TOO much…as in, it was a few changes here and there, cutting out soda, eating better bread, not eating so much…and then I was good. But, I don’t have a good metabolism, I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore…I’m getting older, and due to neglect, my body is reflecting that. I am about as heavy as I was a sophomore in high-school…and I hated myself then just as I hate myself now. More or less I am hating myself more because my reflection on myself and how I feel sexy no longer affects just my mentality, but it now affects my partner, my sex drive, things I have not had to worry about until adulthood.

While bulking and building muscle has been nice (I have always love proving my strength and showing how strong I am), if I cannot burn the fat away and slim down a bit, then the building of muscle is only making me…fluffier…and I don’t like it.

So, I’m on this new diet, and have gone to tracking my meals on the S-FIT app I have on my Galaxy phone. It’s nifty, lets me know how many calories I am taking in. It tracks my heart-rate, stress-levels, sleep schedule, water, and walking too. Now that I ended up getting a Garmin VivoFit 2 Watch for Christmas from my Father…that has Bluetooth in it to sync directly to the app, and it tells me how active I am every single day. It’s neat!!!

But for those interested in the diet…I will be posting it up tomorrow or some time this week. I plan to type out a formal sheet since mine is currently just handwritten and tacked to my wall atm.

but mostly it’s chicken, white rice, fruit, eggs, and green veggies.
Not a lot of flavor in my life right now…but it’s working towards a better me. Anyways, until the next blog then…


Wow…it as been awhile, hasn’t it?
I thought that this blog would be full of constant posts about my progress as a Force-Realist, but in reality, there is not too much to report anymore. Don’t get me wrong…I could report any number of things that are not Force-Related as this is supposed to be “my challenge”…a blog about my life and how it has changed. But I guess, because of recent events (recent as of October last year), I have been holding out for that one big post about it all…once everything falls into place, I can let everyone know of the events that transpired and that changed me forever. But, for now, I just have another handful of updates for you.

So first…let me cover “Exercise”:

So…to put it simply: “I got fat”.
Some of it was pure laziness on my part, but then the other part was that while I was in Germany, I was not taking the best care of my body, and when I came back to the USA, it caught up with me. In Germany, I was only eating maybe 1-2 meals a day…and they had little to no substance to them. I would snack on Pizza for 3 days, and eat eggs and zucchini every day but even with that, depression, stress, and being sick all the time was making me lose weight. I did not want to ask my (now ex) lover for help because then she would usually scream at me, saying I was too expensive or that I could not take care of myself…and if her and I were dating at the time, she would then proceed to break up with me…and it was always just a hassle and mess that I did not want.

So now, as mentioned before, I am back in the USA…and with full meals again, eating 3-meals a day and then some…my body blew up like a balloon. My skin stretched…my belly got stretch marks, then my arms, armpits, breasts, legs, and even in my various other pelvic regions. These are things that I have never suffered before (well, except minor belly stretch marks from being an obese teenager). So, while my new life has been happy…and I am now well-taken-care of by an amazing woman that has healed me mentally and otherwise…well, the stretch marks and the weight has had me down. But, it was hard finding the time to fix the issue…between working and then keeping up a household for my partner, it all became too much. And I let myself go a little farther. Well, needless to say, here recently, I quit my job.

They sent me to the hospital because they would not let me go home when I could not breathe and was having severe chest pains.
And when I finally snapped at my partner because I was working every day (went 10 days without a single day off), she told me to quit…and she told me to focus on my career. But, that’s just the thing: “What do I want to do with my life?”

It’s never been as simple as saying I like this field and could be this-or-branch out into-that. Hm…instead, the best way to put it is that I’m good at a lot of things, enjoy a lot of things, and therefore could do a lot of things, and because my options are so open, it’s hindering. I went to college before, and it turned out that Psychology was not my thing, Human Services I disliked even more, and then my Music Therapy classes were going to cost more than what they were worth. Gen Ed was an option sure…but after 3 failed majors I was already $15,000 in debt and decided not to go back to school until I decided what I wanted to do…..

Trying to cut a long-story short, my partner finally did what she thought was best, asked me what all things I wanted to do, threw those options in a hat, and I picked “Police Academy”. This would be good for me because now I was on the path of getting fit…or was going to be. My partner (a soldier and also wanting to better herself), got us a Gym Membership and it was something we could do together. But, going to the Gym would not be enough. To start me off right, my partner got me some things from the GNC to aid me in my transformation.


  1. The firming butter is for the stretch marks. I apply it every night after my shower and already I have seen an improvement.
  2. ¬†Ultra Mega Green is your basic women’s multivitamin to take in order to boost multiple things like immune system, boost your energy and metabolism the natural way and to fight fat and etc. They generally recommend this at any GNC because if you take diet pills it will sap nutrients from your body. This multi-vitamin taken 2-times a day replenishes what the diet pills might strip you of.
  3. Satisfive is a powder added to water and is drank along with meals to keep cravings away. I am hypoglycemic and I get hungry often…even after eating. It’s terrible getting hungry right before bed because hunger turns into pain for me, and then I can’t sleep. But this power made with spinach and other things, turns to gel and wraps around whatever I am eating…causing it to digest just a little slower and makes me feel fuller for longer. So far it works. But I have only been drinking it once a day because it tastes pretty gross and doesn’t mix as well in water as it says. But, you can also mix it with juices, and I want to start doing that once I find the perfect juice that isnt full of sugar and actually has some nutritional benefit to it.
  4. The Performix SST Glow for women is my diet pill…has lypowheat in it, gives me an energy boost…and while more expensive, the glow-version has less caffiene as to not give me the severe jitters when taking it. It’s something very similar to what I took back when I was still living in Indianapolis. I know it works, and I trust it…but getting used to it can be hard. The key is to stay hydrated else you feel sick…but I hate water…so that part of it all has been difficult.

All-in-all I know people are going to tell me: “You don’t need that stuff to get fit…” but, everyone is different. Let me do things my way. As long as I am improving and I’m doing it in a way that is not harming me, there should be no problem. Still, I plan to chronicle my journey on here as I make changes in my life. I got the app S-fit on my phone and need to use it more often. Also, my Father got me a Garmin Vivo-fit-2 watch which syncs to said-app and keeps track of different things applying to fitness as well. So I need to do this. I need to get fit and healthy again.


Now I can talk about Sithism, YouTube…and Force-Realism in General:

There was a moment where I woke up on morning and I just felt “powerful”. I could not explain it…but I flt that rush of a Sith Lord again. It came after a meditation session in which I saw Ba’al again…in his masculine-demonic form. He roared at me as my “core” burst into flames. I felt alive again, drawn to The Force again. Somehow this lead me to go back to all the Sith Temples I had studied at…and upon seeing them inactive as per usual, I then found myself wandering back to the Sith Academy out of curiosity.

For awhile the Sith Academy had long gone astray from the power they used to hold and to have. They started making sub-religions, sub-cults in which they would hide behind different masks and act like different people. Most took it as role-playing and just grown men trying to make a quick buck…and it was true. They would recruit people into these different cults and act like they were all aligned with one another and that they had some sort of Army. But, at long last they came back around to Sithism, to Sith Academy and the vision of Darth Omega. They built upon their curriculum, made it more strict, tied it more to social media…actually published a book (if you could call it that). And I reached out to them for a free book to see if maybe they finally came around and were once again the power I knew them as.

They were not…
…they continued to disappoint, still seeming as a gimmick for wealth. Immortalized only in how others joked about them and laughed at what they were teaching. For them, Sithism is blindly following two leaders that have no way to attain the goals they set. And so, I decided that, as a Darth…it is my job to set an example. To get my own word out there. Thus, I made a new YouTube Channel under the name “Larken EshBa’al”

Darth EshBa'al

This channel based only in Sithism is part of a larger project I call “Force Talk”. As someone who knows both sides of The Force (Light and Dark) and who has dabbled along with people claiming to be Je’daii, I made “Force Talk” to answer questions people might have about Force-Realism or Force-Religions/Lifestyles. But, the project was too big to handle on my own.

Force Talk was shut down not long after I started building it, because, even with a script written…as someone more associated with the Dark side of The Force, I just did not feel right tackling Jedi-Realism and other subjects i might not be as versed in.

So, Force-Talk has changed…and even now I’m trying to find a way for people to help. I want to make a channel where multiple people run it, where multiple people make videos and post about their views. Force-Realism whether it be for the Jedi or for the Sith, each side teaches the way in which The Force may be utilized completely different. Where IJRS is constantly changing and integrated some new technique from some new progressive book somewhere…TOTJO has a christian-Jedi model. Same as OotS holds a more open and passive way of Sithism and selfishness in comparison to the cult which is Sith Academy.

Not only that…but while I am more Sith than Jedi and I am indeed a Darth in my heart, my path is a personal one, and my religion is one I am building on my own and which is tied to the creature named Ba’al which is linked to my soul.

Therefore…in conclusion…

My mind has been here, there, and everywhere.

I feel that since 2016 is coming…and I’m soon to be changing a lot in my life (getting fit, getting married, changing a budget, possibly moving, and etc) that I should get back on this blog and really start chronicling the stuff that has changed and the stuff I have been improving on. I want to see myself get better…and that was the original purpose of this blog anyways.

Still…pictures of my eight will be coming. I am going to start keeping tabs on myself again, what I eat, how and when I work out, and etc. Hopefully see some serious changes soon.

Until the next blog.

…well, it’s sad to say but the Taekwondo did not work out for me. It’s not that I did not want to do it, but, there were complications. As I mentioned before, they weren’t into individual teaching. Back when I was a kid, we had a Master who then had someone helping to come around and correct the children who were not getting something right. While this dojo was the same, well, the helper more or less stood there and never came over to help anyone unless the Master instructed her to do so, and she was more of a parrot, agreeing with everything the Master said and never making any observations of her own. Another thing I did not like? Well, is it right to say that customer service was an issue?

I paid the money and was supposed to have a uniform. I can understand that they might not have my size right away, but after saying that they were going to order it, almost 2 weeks later they still have not ordered it. I’m all for working out in my own clothes…but that’s more or less in the comfort of my own home. I am around parents and children and I stick out like a sore thumb. My clothes are old, and the gym shorts are the only ones I have. The last thing I need is something ripping when I’m out in public. Still, that was starting to be an issue for me as well was that I was not comfortable in these classes because I could not be uniform with the rest of the class, and, knowing that I was doing thing wrong (because they moved at such a fast pace), they still never stopped to correct me, and eventually, the place looked more like one big joke rather than an actual dojo.

There were no adults there (other than the Masters) so it’s not like I was bound to make any friends or meet anyone struggling like I was. All-in-all, my soul did not resonate with this place, and after awhile, I asked for my money back. It does not help that work cut my hours so badly that I’m not even scheduled for a shift this entire week. I know they have been slow, but no one told me the summers would be this bad. I never got a call back from a¬† call-service-center that I applied for. They would have given me a solid Mon-Fri job with decent pay, and I was really betting on getting it…another reason why I had to leave.

At this point, money is so tight that I needed the $130.00 for groceries and bills anyways, not to mention that while I am back searching on the job market, I need open availability.  It just was not going to work out this time.


But, in other news I started my Pilates kit today. The kit comes with 3 DVDs (Beginners, Advanced, and Core workout Pilates), 2 resistance bands, and flash cards of the different Pilates positions for those wanting to create their own routine. I started with the beginners tape which comes with 3 20-minute workouts on it. Needless to say, I’m in such bad shape that I only made it through one of the workouts in full, and then fell out of the second one 10-15 minutes in. I’m just not as flexible as I used to be, and making my legs straight is so hard. Not to mention, I have no strength in my arm, and my build is so heavy that its hard to hold me up.

In order to get more into the mood for fitness, my g/f had the idea of measuring ourselves. We measure our neck, arms, waist, thighs, and calves like they do in the Army. We made a chart for 4 weeks time to see if we are making any progress. for some odd reason, she prefers this method over having a scale in the house like other people. I think we should still be conscious of our weight, but, with her being so skinny, I don’t think she understands its importance like I do.

Still, it’s a good start towards a healthier lifestyle.


Last thing about being healthy…my girl and I have started taking vitamins every night.
You see, I’m having a problem with stretch marks. I have been heavy in the past, but I never got stretch marks that easily. Now I’m getting them in places I have never gotten them before, and I have been heavier than this with no stretch marks. We blame it on me not being as hydrated, and the climate making my skin more brittle. I have to take up moisturizing and such, and because of this, we have added vitamins to help aid in increasing my skin elasticity again. Not only that but we are taking flaxseed oil, fish oil, and other such things that help our bodies nourish itself. While her vitamins are focused more on her urinary tract and some other things specific to her needs, mine are for digestion and increasing my metabolism.

I have a problem with energy and a constant need to eat…not eating causes me physical pain, and we are wondering if perhaps I might want to have my thyroid checked. Still, these are just small steps towards a better me I suppose. If I can get $50.00, I can finally buy myself another DDR (Dance-Dance-Revolution) set which was how I went from 250 pounds to 160 pounds in a summer. It’s actually fun and something that I know I will use…but it’s the money that is the issue here.

But yeah…woooo for doing something hahaha.

Taekwondo Day 1

Posted: August 4, 2015 in Diet & Exercise

Yesterday was my first day at Taekwondo.¬† All day I was nervous because that experience with the Krav Maga was still haunting me. So, normally when you’re doing any sort of martial arts where kids are involved, there are seats so that the parents can stay and watch…and my fear was that I was going to get there, get tired much sooner than the kids, and then have to dip out with the parents judging me for being overweight.

Anyways, I get to the Dojo, and the owner asks me if I would like the try the class before I pay the $130 and commit myself for the 2-month period. I had to think for a minute, but ultimately, I decided to pay him first and commit myself before starting the class. The reason I did this is because I have a problem with excuses. Had¬† not paid right then, I know I would have done the class, then figured that it was too expensive or that, because my hours were picking up I would not be able to dedicate myself to it…the usual stuff. I knew I would want to escape having to dedicate 45 minutes 2x a week to exercise…so I paid. I paid the money and, knowing that it was g/f who paid for this, I pretty much feel obligated to go. It’s a weird system I have going but hey…it worked, right?

Anyways, they did not have a uniform for me right away like they had promised. I had decided to wear just a small tanktop and workout shorts because I figured I would be slipping a uniform on over it. But no…
sure enough, I got on the floor, bowed to the flag, and before class began I was given a fast run-down of how things worked. As an adult, the woman-master was understanding that there would be things I could not do. She said that most adults coming in here were either out-of-shape (guilty of that one) or they had some limitation due to injury. She said that if there was absolutely something  could not do, then I could excuse myself from the mat and do something else.

I told her that I had an issue with running. She said that I could easily go off the mat and just walk up and down. This was nice because they knew not to push people to the point where they might not be able to do the class. I told her I knew my limits, and while there are other things I would not be able to do (such as the splits and some stretches) I would modify them do I could at least get close.

The class started and already I felt out of place. Here you have this 200-pound woman in a white wife-beater, some black basketball shorts, covered in tattoos with her lip pierced. There were only 4 other kids in the class, and they were indeed children ranging from 10 to 6. I could hear the parents whispering behind me, talking about why I was in that class, and talking about the way that I looked. They also judged me for not running like their kids were doing, and, because I did not have a uniform, I was very much out of place.

I won’t really go into specifics of the class…most of it was work on ‘forms’ for testing on higher belt degrees…but what I will say is that the class was much more fast-paced than any other class I have ever been to. Nothing was really explained. Knowing that I was new, no one bothered showing me the correct way of doing things, leaving me to guess. I had taken Taekwondo before, but, at the same time, there were things I did not know. I feel like the Master focused more heavily on those with the higher belts (especially the blackbelt which I assumed was his son), and when I brought this issue up to the female Master, she assured me that, things would be slower-paced in the future, but that I was coming in during a testing-period for higher belt degrees.¬† She also mentioned that at any time I could come in early to get help from one of their many blackbelts…or I could pay for a private lesson if I fall behind -_-

Roundhouse kicks…roundhouse kicks are a nightmare for me for multiple reasons. My body is too tense when¬† try them, my toes curl only for these kicks out of reflex and I don’t know why. Snap kicks—I’m awesome at them. Swoop kicks? No problem. High kicks? watch out because here comes the power!!! But roundhouse kicks…kill me. So, we are in a line doing roundhouse kicks, and again, nothing has been shown to me. I’m watching the kids, trying to figure out how to do this the best way, and I keep hitting the bag with my toes rather than with the top of my foot like I should. Even when they know that I am messing up, they don’t really stop to show me how it’s done, they just tell me to make slight adjustments and hope I do better when my turn comes up again.

What happens? I end up breaking my toe…
I knew it was broken the minute I hit my toe, head the snap, and suddenly my toe felt like it was the size of a big rock. I could hear it crunching every time I took a step. But, I never stopped. I kept kicking…never cried, didn’t say a word. I have broken my toe before, no big deal really…but then came the ‘race’. I guess they occasionally do a timed race for this class where it is ten snap kicks (alternating right to left) on the pads followed by a run to a bag where you have to do 10 roundhouse kicks (also alternating right to left), followed then by a run to another bag where you do 10 kicks with your right leg and then 10 kicks with your left leg.

First we did a practice run…and I took my time just to get a feel for everything.
Best time of that week had been 29 seconds so far and that had been done by a blackbelt. Anyways, I decided to be last in line as to not hold up the others who were more experienced. So, the 10-year-old blackbelt goes and he gets 37 seconds. Then an orange belt goes and she ends up with 40 seconds. Her younger sister gets 38 seconds, followed by a little white belt (the youngest in our group)…and for the first time that evening he actually focuses and gets 33 seconds. Now comes my turns and I’m super nervous because these kids are younger and have all the energy in the world where I do not…
My time in total was 31 seconds. On the first round, I got the BEST time in the class, besting the blackbelt. He went again and ended up getting 29 seconds. I opted out of doing it a second time because, by then my toe was killing me. I was actually pretty proud of myself, and the Master seemed impressed by my time. I don’t know whether it was because I was older, inexperienced, or because I’m heavier than all the other people there…but he was impressed nonetheless…and that made me feel good.

However…my old anxiety is coming back with being verbal in class. They want you to count aloud and scream: “Aiyaaa!” when you do your punches and kicks. Most of my being self-conscious was because I was the only adult there. I couldn’t stand the thought of kids laughing at me, and, because the Master runs through things so quickly, I was often lost and stuck just standing there because I did not know what to do. I’m not a fast-learner with these types of things, and he lets his more experienced students do things on their own because they have memorized things far beyond that of my own level.

I feel it was a bit too impersonal, but, I will give it two-months and see where that gets me.

I also feel like some independent study will be in order too. I know that YouTube has video on techniques, and I think that practicing the forms on my own time could not hurt any.¬† I go back tomorrow for my second class…hopefully they have a uniform for me so that I don’t feel so out of place and/or self-conscious. But we shall see.

I’m keeping an open mind about this…

P.S= I also have one of the most powerful kicks in the class. I would say it’s because I’m older…but because I played softball and did other suck things, all my power is in my legs. t was funny seeing the bag almost topple over. XD