Archive for the ‘Asking Advice?’ Category

Here recently I have been trying to get back into meditation…access my core of power, my void, that place within myself that is my mental and emotional sanctuary. As I evolve and grow as a person, so does my void. My void reflects the events of my life, and not only does its appearance change with me, but the way I am portrayed in this place changes as well. When focusing on the Lighter subjects n the spectrum, I find myself often in the woods…walking along a rock path in the midst of Autumn. A small creek runs beside me, leading me down to a veil of willow vines that I push aside to reveal a small patch of grass where a small fire is ever burning…bright orange and welcoming. My spirit Guardian: Ba’al is there in the masculine form…a man that has the head of a water buffalo. He speaks no words and often fills my head of images when I question him about one thing or the other. He holds my hand through things and helps me find my way in a more peaceful manner.
Then there is the silver mirror in this place where Ba’al sits…and when looking through this mirror, I can see the other side of this place which is much darker.
When focusing on subjects of the Dark Nature, when focusing on the harsh realities of things, or just when my scales have tipped more towards the Dark Side, this pleasant, wooded area now becomes a mass of dark thorns. The rock path is still there, the moon is full and the stars are out and shining. The creek still runs though the water is now dark and one can no longer see the bottom, it is black like the abyss. the trees are all dead, and now the vel of willow branches are dead and withered. Pushing them aside is this same place where so often i have sat to discuss things with Ba’al. Here I still see a mirror where I can gaze and see the other side, here the fire burns purple, and here there stands a female Ba’al…unclothed, her body human, naked and exposed. She has a tail, and wears only the water buffalo skull but has a human face. Her teeth are sharp, eyes piercing…she is not so kind this Ba’al…not so kind because she is brutally honest, and not scared to teach someone a lesson.
This is the Ba’al that appears when I have a lesson to learn the hard way because the nicer ways and soft-spoken path has not worked. Here I have oftened battled with this spirit and lost…and upon losing she rps my heart from my chest and then I awake from my slumber or am pushed from my void (if meditating) and it takes me some time before I am mentally able to traverse there again.
Normally I take to the void in a human guise…but with my changes I have now taken a new form…I have taken the form of a wolf. Like my two selves—Miarene (Jedi) and EshBa’al (Sith), there are two wolves to show these sides of Light and Dark.

These new forms were brought about by my accepting my more raw and animal nature, embracing myself as part of the Furry fandom, and setting my inner animal free of its cage. Why is this important? Well, it may not be important…not to you…
But, I have found myself in a bit of a tight spot.
I cannot access my void. Much as I have tried to enter back into that space where I am fully concentrated, the dark thorns have blocked my passage to the place where Ba’al sits. As the red wolf I rip at them with my teeth, but where one finally breaks, three more vines covered in thorns begin to take it’s place…and I make no progress. I have even called on my Lighter self to help me in this battle, called the angel wolf Miarene to aid me in this darker place where she has never padded to try and make a dent in this foreboding, tangled, mess…but nothing. so now I ask you: “What does this mean?”
Even when having gone away from my Path and studies for while, this has never really happened to me. Sure I have been shut out for weeks at a time, but never so many months! I have no contact with my guardian, barely a feeling of their presence near me, and, I wonder how I might turn this around? what can I do to push through? What can I do to aid me and get past this mental-thing (if you could call it mental). I’ve been trying to find answers, but thus far I have gotten nothing.
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Because I have not been able to enter my void, I started buying books to stimulate my mind, get me back into the swing of my religious studies and such. The strange thing is, some of these are magical books, and it seems I have the ability to tell when something holds true power over something that does not. While reading a book the other day talking about runes and spells, I felt the top part of my hand burning. It was hot from the knuckles up, the heat was radiating and flickering about my hand as if it were a flame. I pick up a different book on spells (which was obviously more of a joke) and felt nothing, and then a different book of spells from that and my hand was burning again in the same manner.
I have never noticed this before and wonder when this new thing awoke in me and why I have it in the first place. have been wondering a lot of things lately, and I wonder most hen all the pieces will come together to show me something…whether it be a new Path or something else. But this is all just rambling really…something I just needed to put out there for whatever reason.

I have not done martial arts in forever.
the last time I tried was when I signed up for 3 classes of Krav Maga, wanting to be stronger. I signed up for a more intense class because I remember Taekwondo being more about forms and defense. I wanted something offensive, something more fierce and more feared. At the time, I felt that something like Taekwondo only made people snicker. But, when I tried to do the Krav Maga classes, even though I was running, and even though I had been working out…it was too physically demanding. I had an asthma attack in the middle of my first class and was being outdone by my 70-year-old instructor. I was embarrassed at how out-of-shape I was—even though I was the healthiest I had been in years!

So…yesterday I was picking up pizza for dinner. My partner was tired and was thus sleeping at home, and while I was out, I noticed a dojo right beside the pizza place. I had this urge to go in, just to see what their prices might be. I knew it would be too expensive, but, something was nagging at me. I remember as a pre-teen that I liked Taekwondo. It made me sweat, I was self-conscious in the uniform, and the kids were a bit snobby in that class, but I liked it.

Every day I was learning something new, learning something that really pushed my limits. I guess somewhere deep down I remember feeling like I was actually GOOD at it in some way. But, while my Dad had signed us up for Taekwondo, what I did NOT realize was that he had signed us up for a cheap ‘trial’ period which would only get us so far. As we progressed, we would get black duct tape on our belts…showing how far away we were from taking the final test to get the next color up. A month or two was long enough to get a yellow belt, but, we never got to take that test. Even today I have a white belt with those three stripes, showing that I was ready to progress…but, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, my Dad would not let me take the test (he would have to buy me an extra month plus pay for the test), I never got my yellow belt, and I never got to do the one thing I always wanted to do the most which was break a board with my hand and/or foot.

Then…i kinda ended up yelling at my Dad in class for embarrassing me and I fought the instructor (literally), knocked him down, and got kicked out.

Either way…those things still haunt me, they still tug at me because I thought of this as an important part of my life. I was getting fat in my pre-teen years, and Taekwondo got me out of the house, got me off my butt, it was the first time (in a long time) that I had a chance to interact with other kids that did not immediately hate me or bully me. So, being pulled from that atmosphere really hurt.

Maybe that’s what drove me to walk inside and ask for the information.
Anyways, the dojo is very small, and I found myself looking at the prices and scoffing because it’s something I cannot afford on my paycheck. I go home with my pizza, papers still in hand, and I tell my partner about what I did, what I found out, and she says: “Good, you should sign up.” I tell her that I don’t have the money but she says,”no, but I do. You should do it now before we have to start tightening the belt on our expenses.” I must have made a face because she said: “Listen, it’s obvious you want to do it, else you would not have gone in there. I know you said that Taekwondo is physically demanding, but you seem like the type that would like that sort of challenge. So why not try it?”

It’s not like it’s that much of a commitment. It’s 30 mins a class 2x a week. I only work 15 hours a week as is and have every other day off. they offer a variety pf class times to fit my needs, so, it’s not like I could not make it. Not to mention it’s right down the road. But, what haunts me is that day at Krav Maga, running in a circle, doing jumping jacks, push-ups, and sit-ups. I just remember my lungs feeling like they were about to burst and I don’t want to be that person in the class that has to stop. The kicks I can do, punches, no problem. Forms? I got this… just as long as they don’t crush me, I should be okay. My other problem? I will mostly be in a class full of children…

Barely any adults do this, and the ones that do signed up for self-defense instead. I’m going to be in the midst of children whom have all the energy in the world and are of a higher degree than I am. So I really have to ask myself if I’m ready for this. But, tomorrow is the deadline for getting the price deal…and honestly, my partner is determined to see me do it. Not to mention that her and I need to get hobbies outside each other so maybe this could be for the best. I am just worried that’s all. It’s very easy for me to feel defeated.

Advice?

The Storm

Posted: August 15, 2014 in Asking Advice?, Meditation

Last week there were a lot of storms raging about…lightning that would flash every 20 seconds or so, and I took it as a reflection of my inner turmoil. There have been many things on my mind, and, I have found that when a storm brews within me, then the elements around me seem to react. This is not unusual for it has happened ever since I was very young…but, fearing the lightning and the thunder as I always have, I took to my bed and tried to find that meadow where I can see ‘him’. I tried to get to my safe haven.

Where the meditation usually drops me on some higher stepping stones in which I must climb down to in order to reach a slender path, I found my body floating in the river. The same river where I once fought the meditation instructions and, rather than focusing on the sun, I had jumped into the water for some cool relief, feeling the water about me. But this time, in this new, darkened meadow and forest of thorns, I floated about the water on my back, listening to the sound of thunder as a storm rolled in closer and closer. The water lapped about my ears and soon there were small raindrops falling on my face. But this feeling of being weightless, surrounded by water was relaxing, soothing…and it eased my fear of this storm, it gave me time to analyze things and really try and get behind why I was feeling the way that I was.

I tried taking everything as a symbol, or  a sign. Here I was floating about the water in my more Sithian form. The dark robes weighing me down, a reflection of my life…of the things constantly trying to drag me under and yet somehow I always manage to stay afloat. There were the darkened skies…this was the feelings of confusion, of being lost, not knowing what will happen, not knowing where to go, the skies were thick with clouds of insecurities and questions that cannot be answered in this place or at this time. Then the thunder…the thunder was my reaction to these insecurities, the blind rage and panic that came with not knowing, of having a blindfold on, of not being able to have a plan because the future is ever-changing.

Then at last as I floated around, finally being able to see what was going on in this world due to what was happening in the reality I had left behind in my bed, lightning struck the water…and I began to sink.

The bolt struck me right in my heart…it was a reflection of love.

What is love? Someone asked me to describe this the other day and I knew that at the time, I was not up for the challenge, because, as he had mentioned, truly explaining love is impossible. Still, the lightning gave me a start…

Love is powerful and beautiful, but just as it is both of those things so can it be very destructive. But, it can also be used in a constructive manner even when it puts someone in a negative situation. Still, as I sunk into the depths below, watching the air escape past my lips and float to the surface, love came to my in another way…through memories. Windows appeared in this underwater graveyard, windows peering into a different reality, into the past, into dreams…all of them showing me what love means to me.

Love is talking to a stranger for 8 hours each day, losing track of the time, and your face hurting because you were smiling so much and did not even know it. Love is losing your insecurities to someone you know wil never look down on you for anything you do, for the way you look, for the way you act, they only want you as you are and nothing else.
Love is traveling to a thrift shop in the middle of the day and laughing as the other person sits on an old-butt massager just because she can. Love is traveling to a bridge in the middle of winter, trying to be romantic, but turning back because it is too cold and laughing because it was still a beautiful moment anyways.

Love is driving through high winds and rain for two hours, just because the other person is sad and needs someone to lay next you…even if you dont have the money, you just drive as fast as you possibly can because you know that you need to be by her side. Love is traveling to another Country even when nothing is being promised to you just because you know you cannot live another second without being able to see that smile.
Love is when you count down the days to that next hug, that next kiss, that mext adventure….whether it be traveling, can-hunting, or just sitting inside and watching movies. Love is knowing that you would not take all the money or power in the entire universe in exchange for one of those very small but very precious moments because they are priceless. Those are just a few things that love are…and the thing is, as I sunk deeper, I could have listed more, and more, and more.

Eventually there came a point where I must have hit the bottom of the lake, but it seems like time had stopped. I could no longer hear the storm, the rain, or even see the lightning…all had gone dark. When at last I came to, I was still in the forest, only this time, I was in the clearing with ‘him’ in his skeletal form, with a fire burning to keep me warm, my clothes soaked to the bone, and it brought me to the second reason of why I had come here.

Long as my guardian has been with me ans had made himself known (which is almost going on 2 years now, maybe longer) I have wondered who he is (really) and it what way him and I are connected. The thing is, this guardian feels like he is not an observer, not just a visitor but is something linked to my soul. He does not speak in words but in images, and even though he is a stranger, it always feels like I know him…on a personal level and even on an intimate level.

There have been a few visits to this meadow where I will admit to instances of intimacy with this spirit, this being. From him I can feel a power both light and dark, something endless and eternal…and these instances only happen when I allow them, though he proposes them often, I decline him because I need to know who he is and what he wants, but he never tells me.

Though…he has started answering to the name Ba’al. So that is a start? Either way, he stayed silent as I asked my questions, got frustrated and  yelled at him, and when I turned him down for an ‘instance’ he shunned me back to my bed and I was closed out for the rest of the night.

A name is just a name…and for days now I have known what I am supposed to be called, and furthermore I am starting to know why. But, there are still so many things which confuse me. It would seem that this last meeting with my Guardian had some people interested and others concerned. While I did not mention this to a lot of people…after the last meeting with ‘him’, Buffalo skulls started popping up everywhere.

Suddenly they were in every shop window, in news articles, they were in places where you normally would not see them. I mean, I live in a part of Germany where it a huge city surrounded by other huge cities…there are no fields, and there are not any buffalo anywhere to be found. Some had come to the conclusion that maybe my Guardian was not all that he seemed before, and I agreed…but not in the same sense. I always knew that my personal guardian had another side…but because I was shielding my darker half, so too did he shield his. As one spirit and one mind, we mirrored each other. So, when I went off my own to study the Dark Side, he let me be as, I was not seeking his guidance and therefore he was not offering it.

Still…as someone who comes from a Wicca background, I was starting to look more into what my Guardian might be. I never looked very hard before, simple definitions of a ‘water buffalo’ seemed to make me content enough that I did not need to ask a billion questions…but after this last meeting, I was starting to wonder. As someone who used to praise the God and the Goddess, his looks and nature reminded me of Cernunnos or “The Green Man” // often attuned to nature and the Sun who was later cast as the demon: Ba’al when Christians pointed their finger in the way of Paganism and called it evil:

Still…I was not the only one who was thinking this as I received a PM with the following:

Been back to read your blog about the guardian encounter. Have to admit, it is pretty cool — and very consistent with how guardians tend to teach. By bringing you in ‘in the dead or winter/darkness’, he was throwing you off balance… from the warm and welcoming environment you were used to. Same with his appearance. That old duality bug.

Also a HUGE nod to the idea that ‘all is illusion’ — you and he looking ‘normal’ in the mirror while looking quite different in the moment. What we ‘seem’ is the illusion (mask) we wear when we go out into the world. Although the astral is a ‘purer’ place, it is also a place where one could easily slip on many other masks as the moment calls for — the guardians tend to work to make you understand that; once you strip that all away — there is the core ‘you’ — and THAT is the bit most worth getting to know.

For some reason, over the last few days, I keep thinking there is a connection between your semi Indian ‘Buffalo head’ and the Green Man — which would also make the ‘change’ to a barren, thorn filled surroundings more of a ‘jolt’ to the implied ‘friend of growing things’ motif.

Anyway… next time you talk to your guardian, he can confirm or deny any or all of this.

 

To which I then replied with this:

Going back to my Guardian…I too have been thinking about this as I started searching for my name in the realm of “Fire”…and the more I thought about him, the more that I too was thinking towards the Green Man (having come from Wicca before I found The Force). As I was thinking this, I started going off that path, but not entirely…still in the realm of the Green Man, but more in the realm of how he was christianized and made into something evil. Again, a duality, a deity of nature on one side, and a demon lord on the other side: I was thinking of Ba’al.

Ba’al was what the image of the Green Man became when Christians turned the finger towards Pagans and cast them as Devil Worshippers. Ba’al also means a lot of other things as well.
For example:
From Baal of Carthage who is identified with Titan Cronus and Saturn — solar diety also thought to be a lunar deity by some (duality), and god of the Brazier. Also known as the “Two horned God”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baal
• As literal fire, to cook or bake on (Exodus 12:8), or to refine metal with (Exodus 32:24).
• Literal fire, as instrument of destruction (Exodus 22:5, Joshua 11:6).
• Altar fire (Leviticus 10:1, Numbers 3:4).
• Supernatural fire pertaining to theophanies (Exodus 3:2, Nehemiah 9:12).
• The wrath of YHWH (Psalm 89:46, Isaiah 66:15).

Naturally I would think nothing of this…but the name Baal kept nagging at me and nagging at me. So, not only was Ba’al tied to a Titan who could either be lunar or solar, but upon further searching for Ba’al —- I found this:

// and suddenly the name Esh-Ba’al hit my like a lance in the ribs.

Esh-Baal —the fire of the idol or of the ruler // the fire kindled by my guardian. A guardian that knows life, but also knows death…the power of the earth to grow and the power of fire to destroy. I have never known his name…and now I wonder if it is Ba’al.

 

I am in no way disturbed about this…the news would not bother me as I know that Ba’al is a name of evil given to something that was (for the most part) something that was good. They gave Him the dark form he wears today as an evil, demon lord…but still, to think I might be his fire…be his…other soul? Mortal soul?

I would ask him about this…but I cannot reach him. The void has not been letting me in as if I have denied access for the moment until things become more ‘certain’ in my mind. I am feeling tested…but, over what?

I remember that every time I used to go to see my guardian (after my initial discovery of him via some simple meditations), we would always meet in a secret place. A part of the forest surrounded by life. It was always the same, a warm place…the part of the Fall Season where you start to wear long sleeves but it is not cold, the leaves are changing colors and begin to fall off of the trees.

Getting to him was a small walk down a path of large rocks. Listening to each footstep as it hit the ground, I would then always stop at the base of this path (as it went down a hill) to admire the small stream of water that was running, trickling to the lefthand side of this path and added for some very sweet tasting and fresh air…after admiring the water, I would then come to a curtain of willow vines, pushing them aside, and be on a small isle. It was surrounded by the stream/creek, the grass was soft. My Guardian would sit with a small fire crackling. He would never greet me, would never speak until I had sit down across from him.

I remember that it was always sunny or sunset but, never dark…several flowers bloomed here. This place was where I felt the most at peace.

Why bring this up?

Because recently, I decided that it was time to ask for his help…to seek him out for something other than my “Jedi” issues (usually discussing things like peace, patience, and understanding)…and what I found was a nightmare.

Entering that ‘state’ where I would find him…I found this forest in pure darkness. It was night, the moon was high, it lit my way…the stars were shining…but while this should have seen beautiful to me, it was unfamiliar, and, I started to get scared. As I walked down the path, I noticed that all the trees that were usually still lush with different colored leaves were dead…skeletal because they were so bare. Their trunks had been taken over by black vines sporting large thorns. Even the willow curtain was gone, and I had to push my way through thick roots just to see my guardian…and when I saw him, I froze in pure terror.

While normally my Guardian is a native-american man with a water buffalo head, this time, the head that was usually very much alive was very much not…a bleached buffalo skull with empty eye sockets gazed back at me, the teeth clacking in impatience as I stood there, unable to take my normal place across from him. A fire of purple flames blazed…and finally my guardian spoke to me.

He started making note of the recent choices in my life…how he had stepped aside to let me do as I please because I had not been in any position for him to step in and hold my hand. As a creature that is about balance (as a friend had pointed out to me), he existed in the both worlds and did not question my journey to the Dark Side, but rather, he congratulated me on it and encouraged this mission.

It was then that he brought up my recent decision to ‘take’ the Darth title for myself in Sithism and to start my own Temple. He knows that I am still learning, but, he pointed out by my frigid position that even as a Darth there is much fear in my heart and that I had much to learn. I merely told him I was shocked…I had never seen this side of him (meaning the skeletal being) to which he replied: “But you should have known because you said it yourself several times: there are two sides to everything.”

Then he went into something of a spiel…the nature that is considered Dark is often considered evil merely because it is misunderstood. While darkness can contain evil (which were like the thorns that had taken over the trees outside), most of the time, the fear of the Darkness comes merely from the fear of something that is unfamiliar, unknown, and therefore spawns fear and can occasionally then spawn things such as hate and assumptions leading to something being labelled as evil.

His words were wise…as a child I had often avoided many things, many opportunities for adventure or to explore merely because I was scared of what might be in there. The darkness used to produce images of demons, witches (before I understood what witches were), murderers, and other things that were force fed to me via urban legends and news from the media…still, now as an adult, I thought I had moved past that stage, past that stigma, and now I was feeling ashamed because I guess not.

My guardian then told me that he was going to show me something…but first, he had to ask: “Are you ready for the title in which you have taken? Is your power really sufficient to earn you this name? Why seek a dark name if you are not ready?”

To which I defended myself. I was ready, I had been ready…even with fear I was ready. Sure, I was still learning but it only proved the point that I had not become stagnant. I was still opening my minds to new powers, new things in which to make me great…to make my Temple of Atlas great, to help me rule my teachings, my followers, and etc…to command them as an Empress.

Then, he jumped me!!!

When I am having these visions, I see them as clear as a TV show, like watching a soap opera or so. When things like this get too scary or drain me too much, then my vision goes back to black (looking at the inside of your eyelids) and all I can hear is the noise. I do not know how to describe this point…my guardian, he pinned me and commanded I show him my power. I had not been prepared for this and I pulled at all my energies faster than I had ever pulled at them before. I almost started to cry because it was just…draining…terrifying. I was pushing so much energy that the soles of my feet begin to burn. I had been under the covers because I was cold, but now my body was so hot that my cheeks felt swollen and I was sweating. Even when my vision went back to the black…I could still see him, still see his outline in reds and purples within my vision, on top of me, pinning me down. I was almost too scared to open my eyes because no longer was his voice something that I merely heard in my mind but it was if he was sitting right there and whispering into my ear as I lay there with the lights off and my eyes closed.

I struggled against him for three minutes, using every bit of power I could muster, throwing up my shields trying to push him off…and then I just…stopped. I realized…he cant hurt me…

He came to me because we matched. He came to me because he wanted to help me. He came to me because in his plane we had become connected, we were one. That’s why every bit of energy I was using to get him off was not doing anything and it was only draining me more because I was ‘draining him’. Finally I mustered a thought, I single thought that made me grin: “I do not have to prove myself to you…I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.”

It was a moment of “You cannot define me, only I can define me.” to which my Guardian then relaxed and finally let go of me, walking back to his spot as the black faded…I could see the forest again, and he motioned me to come towards him. Walking nearer to him, I spotted a mirror. The mirror was not odd as it was always to the left of his being whenever I had met him before…but I guess, I had never bothered looking into said mirror, I just was not curious. My guardian told me that before looking into the mirror that I had come to him for something…that I was searching for a name. A name of power, a name representing my being, a true name.

He said that he could not outright give me my name…he could not reveal it as it was something he did not fully know himself. But, he said he could help me by showing me some signs of where I might go looking first. Usually when I look for answers to questions, my guardian opens his mouth and I stare inside the dark void which then shows me what I need to see. This time, it was the same…the bones cracked as they pulled themselves apart, and stared into the back of his throat which a void of darkness. Images started flashing before me…at first I saw eyes, yellow eyes, actually…eyes the color of old amber.

Then what I thought was metal. The color was like oil…it was sleek, black, but when turned it showed the rainbow of colors like oil in a water puddle does. Then I realized it was not any metal…but a helm. I knight’s helm that was being licked by a red flame.

When I finally the images ended and I pulled away, I went to look into the mirror. There, in that mirror…I saw a reflection: my guardian’s reflection was that of his normal form. In the mirror it was daytime, flowers were in bloom, and he looked like he always had…then, I saw myself, in my Padawan robes, hair braided, glasses off, lightsaber strapped to my side, and leather boots tied.

…but how did I look now? I went to look down at my hands…I got a hint of black metal and flame dancing across the surface: Was I that fiery knight? Then he sent me away, with a swipe of his hand, my guardian pulled me from his world, and I jerked out of my meditative and relaxing state. My chest hurt after that…and I could not sleep.

But what did it all mean? What is my name?

New Goal: Holocron

Posted: January 23, 2014 in Asking Advice?, Uncategorized

I have been on a few Force sites…been to the different Temples and Institutes, and while I am still new in the ways of The Force, I feel as though I have learned a lot that I have stuff that I can easily share.

Things like finding my personal truth and path…the wrong way of doing things, stuff I have lacked in the past but fixed/corrected. Maybe some thoughts that have changed over time and why.

I guess that by definition, this blog could be considered something of a Holocron. But, I really feel as though I am in that right spot to begin writing one, to share my experiences, my learnings, my practices. I want to make it something formal, something special…and I have made it into something of a new goal, something to eventually complete before this life comes to an end.

Again, this is just another random post and update, but I figured it was somewhat important enough that it could be put here for others to see 🙂

Either way I am open to thoughts and advice on how best to go about this? Templates and forms on what works best and goes over as more professional and profound…
Anyone?

Sith_symbol_for_the_jedi

…so a Jedi Knight posted this article on Facebook and was so excited that the Jedi had been mentioned. The article may take Jedi in a more joking fashion, but it is a very interesting read and I really enjoyed the 3 pages on discussion over religions made from books and movies: http://www.details.com/culture-trends/critical-eye/201311/star-wars-religion-church-of-jedi

Lately I feel as though I have again hit a stand-still. Jedi-Realism is just something that I come to every once in awhile when I feel as though I have nowhere else to run, no place left to turn…and it’s sad because this is not where I imagined that I would be.

I came to Jedi-Realism through sheer boredom, and in fact, most people actually do. I relate to the Veteran in the article as I had gone through being Catholic, then Baptist, then Wiccan when I had finally just given up on religion altogether. I felt like there was nothing out there that fit my lifestyle, my personal beliefs, anything. I felt like every other religion that I tried was too restricting…I had been researching religions for so long, and finally, one day, a lesson from theology came back to me— and as I was looking through the movies on my shelf and saw the Star Wars trilogy on VHS I wondered.”Are there really Jedi?”

First thing I did after that was I ran to my laptop, cracked it open, and googled as much information as I could on people who considered themselves real-life Jedi. That’s where I found the Jedi Church (http://www.jedichurch.org/).
This website was more of an information board than anything, but it kinda pointed me in the right direction for where I thought I wanted to go. It gave me the basics of what it meant to be a Jedi, what all could be achieved from this type of lifestyle, and, by the time that I was finished reading I was so inspired that I had donated $20 to the church, had run off to Facebook to see if there was a group (there was), and that’s where this long journey began…

The Facebook Group was really something special to me (at first). It was a place to discuss the mysteries of the universe, really speak with intellectuals on deeper issues, and I felt like I fit right in. But, there was still something nagging at me. The group itself seemed to lack..’teaching’. It’s as if you joined the page, was automatically a Jedi and there was nothing more you could do to advance yourself in the spiritual society. Later on, I started asking for someone to mentor me, to be my Master. I talked with a few people…and then ultimately I always came up empty-handed because all the Masters willing to take on an Apprentice wanted to work with their pupil in person, and for me, they were so far away that this was never an option.
I then started asking about group websites where I could learn under someone or find courses on being a Jedi. I wanted to ascend to Knighthood, I wanted to be a Knight, to be enlightened, to share my wisdom with others looking for the Path. That’s where Jax came in.

I believe it started as a discussion on mere jewelry, the fact that Master Jax made meditation beads and such. But eventually I was led to the Institute for Jedi-Realist Studies (http://instituteforjedirealiststudies.org and oftentimes shortened to IJRS) where new oportunities now opened for me. Here I had courses I could take to advance myself spiritually, here I finally had the resources that I needed and that I wanted. I had a way to achieve my goal…but I shied away from it.
Mostly it was because I was battling with many things at the time. My partner was going into the Army and I did not have the extra time to be spending on these courses when I had such a limited time left with her. Instead, when my partner finally left for Basic and such, I finally took that first step, did the Introductory Course…and plunged myself into that world of being Jedi.

Long story short…I have not completed a course. Every time I try and sit down to make it happen, something always pulls me away. It’s like I’m always making an excuse as to why I cannot complete the things that are asked of me. Others did an assignment every night, or one every week. I know that the instructors said keeping a schedule was key…but my life never runs on a schedule. I never go to bed at the same time. I have 2 weeks where I work early shift and 2 weeks where I am working evenings. I have days where I have errands, and then days where I just want to relax and watch funny videos on YouTube.
I changed countries, and the last thing i feel like doing is going out and trying to help in a  community where I do not even speak their own language.

I find challenges and obstacles everywhere on this path…and I feel as though no one has had this much trouble on this path but me. Not only do I find excuses, but there was a time when I was just so fed up with things I did not agree with that I decided to research a DarkSide to what I had been learning, thinking maybe that was the solution to my problem. I decided to become Sith.

At first I did not want to become Sith so much as I was looking into the Sith Academy to see if they were any real threat to the world or the Jedi…but then I got interested…and I wanted to learn more.

Through the Sith Academy I gained recognition fast. The fact that I had posed as a male to join and had pulled it off until a certain “Skype meeting” for minions instantly made me the pet of one the Sith Lords named Ravenus.
I was a spy (in a weird sense), I planted memes and propaganda for him, I advanced in ranks quickly. I joined their cyber Army, then was promoted to a Master. Then as I started showing my knowledge in all the different Religions I had studied, teaching others of their ‘enemies’, and putting off insults from other Masters as mere childs-play (and also completing missions for Ravenus), in no time at all I had even advanced to Sith Lord.
I even ran the site for awhile and was to be promoted to Prophet…but that’s when things fell apart.

I joined SA and stayed with them because I believed in their vision. I believed in a vision of a world that would never know peace, and thus, its people had to look deep inside themselves and awaken the strength and passion to defend what was theirs. I wanted people to be able to fight for themselves to save themselves against any menace that would try and take their treasures from them…things like land, things like loved…anything really. This was what the Sith believed at the time, this was how I took their message. I took their message as the world was weak and we need to learn to defend ourselves. We need to condition the people of this world to be warriors and to fight. I agreed with this and this alone…but all of that was just some weird joke to them.

The main Prophet and ruler of the Site…the man responsible for the Omega Vision and the vision of Endarkenment named Imperius…he had been gone for so long, and with his return came the brutal truth. “There is no Omega. It was a lie.”
In a sense, I knew that the vision could have not been true. It was too odd and too otherworldly for me to truly believe…BUT, I had thought that Imperius believed it enough that he would get results, he would make things happen and put together something grand.

As some other people did (people I actually respected), I put my thoughts out there about how I did not like this recent development in the ways of the Sith that were studying at Sith Academy. I also skyped with Ravenus about these concerns, and, he assured me that he would take control of Sith Academy and that all would be well. As one of the most spiritual at SA, I believed him…but things turned for the worst.

SA became nothing more than a con…a business model of people being trained in business to gather partners for massive amounts of money and donations to the idea that Edarkenment was coming and the Sith were the only ones who would survive. Suddenly the whole site became about weapons development and space exploration to take control of other planets and use them as bases and blah, blah, blah. Suddenly it really was all about command and conquer and not about what we had originally been teaching. With 2 apprentices under my wing and a site that was falling to ruins because anymore it was nothing other than a scam…I wrote one final blog post, gave up my title as a Sith Lord, and left.

I would later join TotSO as a “Dark Lady”…but that site would too fall and so I was left in the dark again, not knowing where to go. So…with my newfound beliefs in what lay in the dark and then my holding beliefs of what I agreed with about the light, I decided that my specific being was somewhere in the middle of the two, I was part of a different breed, a different balance…and I claimed myself Shadow Jedi.
Most people took this title with a cringe…but we each have our own path, and I seriously think that this is where I am meant to be.

Still…working now on courses in TotJO and IJRS, there are times that I feel like a Jedi failure. While the Religion and Lifestyle itself is what you make of it….while it gives you freedom of choice to explore the faith as you will and make of it whatever you want…still, I feel like my path has grown thin as I pass over a pit, and that I am slowly losing my balance.
I am in need of guidance. Where do I go from here?