Archive for October, 2012

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So…as I sat down and wrote out my Personal Learning Plan for IJRS, I realized that there was not really all that much that I had done with my life (thus far) to turn into an Integrative Practice. I only needed 50 hours, and while I could count a ton of things that I had done during my childhood and/or during High School or College, I wanted to start over fresh.
I wanted to use things that I was doing CURRENTLY as a way to improve myself and add hours towards becoming a Novice.

Well, the more I sat down and thought about it, the more I looked over the part where it in the Introduction where anything could be used as integrative practice as long as there was evidence to back it up. That’s when I realized that I could already have ten hours worth of practice in if I applied all the things I had learned while getting involved/playing Airsoft (thus this blog entry now).
So give me a minute while I do my usual and take the long way around things so that I may demonstrate how Airsoft can be used as an Integrative Practice for Jedi.

But first, let me just refresh you on what Airsoft is:
—-Airsoft is a sport similar to Paintball, only, instead of big plastic beads full of paint, Airsoft players are using guns that shoot .6mm plastic BBs that weigh .20gramms 🙂
Guns look more realistic than paint ball guns, players generally dress in either SWAT uniforms or some sort of military BDU…guns can be metal or plastic and will be either powered by a battery or gas-powered through Red gas or Green gas.


  • Why did I pick up Airsoft?

—I have never been the real-physical type. The only time I was ever physically fit was when I lost over 80 pounds one summer so that I could start training to be a Marine. THAT was about the only time that I can ever remember being truly active other than when I was a really young child.

So why would someone like me pick up on something like Airsoft? Well, there were multiple reasons for that one.
The first reason was due to the fact that my co-workers were ALWAYS talking about it. There were 3 m3n in particular that I sit with every day, hear them talk every day, AND we occasionally hang out after work. It was these 3 people that really got me through my time alone after Taz left for Basic training. But, day-after-day I would sit there and hear them talk about what guns they had just bought, I would hear them talk about gas vs. electric guns, and/or what camo was better to wear on the field and etc.
Without knowing it, I was slowly becoming something of an Airsoft expert just by listening to them every single day as they blabbed about competitions, matches, and skirmishes that were coming up in the summer. Finally I had heard enough, I was tired of being left out, and it was time that I did something risky and something different with my life…so I told them to count me in. I wanted to play Airsoft.

Secondly…I began playing Airsoft because, after Taz got back from Basic and started AIT…ever since I saw her marching across the field…I knew that I was jealous of her. Why? I was jealous of her because she was a soldier and I was not. Back then, it was not a known fact that I had (at one point) been dreaming of being a Marine.
In fact, the only people who knew that I had been talking to a recruiter in High School were my Mother and my Best Friend, Kirsten. But, as I mentioned in previous assignment posts, there were bumps in the road, I let myself lose to a fight against depression, and I gave up that dream because I became fat, lazy, and really sad. I went to college instead, thinking I would do what my parents wanted and become a psychologist. But, that too came back to smack me in the face when I ended up being $15,000 in debt my very first year and realized that college was not for me. then i met Taz, she was going to be a soldier, and I buried my dream of being in the military even deeper because now I had a relationship to focus on.
I knew then (and still know now) that if I were to join the military it would only ruin this beautiful relationship that I now have. With her being in one branch and I the other…and even if I were to join the same branch as her, chances would be that we would not end up in the same place as each other, we would not have the same MOS, we would see even less of each other than we already do…and by now I’m sure you get the point.
Either way, I was (and still am) jealous of Taz because she achieved what I never could. So…when I heard my very good friend Byron (an Army Veteran) talking about Airsoft…I knew it was for me. Airsoft is not simple…it’s based around re-enactments of war…it’s based around military operations and objectives. you have to be fit, you have to know hand signals, code words, the pneumatic alphabet, and the chain of command. It’s one of the only sports that even gets close to what the military actually does as far as its exercises for training recruits, and thus, I jumped at the opportunity to play.

But now we can get into the evidence of why I want to use Airsoft as an integrative practice:



  1. The Physical Benefits:

    —Airsoft in itself is a very physically-demanding sport. Since it’s based on military operations and military training, there are certain requirements to play (you can actually play without having these requirements down, but it’s not a good idea, just FYI). You have to be quick on your feet and able to run a distance of at least half a mile. This is necessary because when the enemy comes charging, you need to be able to draw back.
    Objectives do no wait on you, so taking your time to get somewhere is not an option. The place where I play my games at is 12-acres alone, so, you have to be able to get around, and quickly.
    The next thing is…you have to be able to do military movements. Nothing really complicated…but Buddy movements and crawling with a weapon in your hand is a must. You cannot get hit, and, when the enemy starts firing, you better hit the ground and/or find shelter. Also…if you have come up in hopes of flanking the enemy…hopefully you have a team, and then, you will have to wait for your team to signal you to move.

    Speaking of moving, terrains are never flat and even grounds. You will have trenches, you will be running around in building, up hills and down hills. You will be running through brush, you will be running on trails, you will trip, you will fall, you will get whipped in the face with branches, and by God you better get right back up and keep moving until you find cover.
    these are just the basic of Airsoft. It takes the arm power to hold onto heavy guns, it takes will power to keep moving when you get sore, you better have the leg power to push yourself across that field in full-tactical gear when the terrain and weather are against you. This is a tough sport and takes a tough person to take on that challenge and enjoy it!

    I trained for 2-weeks with my Army Veteran friend. I would work out 3-days a week with him right before work, running and learning military movements. It was so exhausting, and then I would have to go right to work and then walk for 8-hours. Pure…torture…but I endured and it made me a better person, a more confident person.

  2. The Mental Benefits:
    —Mentally, Airsoft can be really challenging. As said before, Airsoft is based off of Military movements, military operations, and military training. therefore, it’s good to know codes. The pneumatic alphabet is one of the first things you will want to learn, second is hand signals used in combat and/or when engaging the enemy.
    It takes a lot of mind power to listen to your objectives, figure out what you’re supposed to do, where you’re supposed to be, how you are going to fulfill your mission, and etc.
    It takes strategy, teamwork, skill…it takes mental preparedness so that you’re not the one standing in the middle of the field picking your nose 🙂
    you have to have the mindset that this is the real deal and that you are really going to battle with real battle tactics. There is do or do not, there is not try. To try is to admit to the possibility of failure, and failure is NOT an option, soldier!!!
  3. Patience is Key:
    —Airsoft is a sport enjoyed by all types of people of all ages.
    The youngest person I have ever had on my team was 8-years-old. Patience in key when playing with a younger audience because they will most likely not take the game seriously. They will run out in the middle of the field, they will cry when they get shot, they will yet at their friends and alert the enemy to your whereabouts because they weren’t thinking, and some of them show up without even knowing how to really play…and yeah…that basically explains it all. Things can obviously get really frustrating, REALLY quick if you are not patient.
  4. Leadership Opportunities:
    —In Airsoft, there are always Leadership opportunities. they pop up all of the time.
    You will notice that when you are playing with a younger crowd that they will follow the people that are best-equipped and/or that know what they are doing. That leaves that person with a bunch of people to coordinate and give orders to. THAT’S a leadership opportunity.
    Sometimes the Leader of a group gets hit and has to go to the Respawn point. That leaves the rest of the squad without direction. Someone always has to step up to finish out the mission at hand. THAT is a leadership opportunity.
    Sometimes you have been given a mission and you see that everyone else is doing the mission a single way. You believe differently and think it can be done better, so you set out to do it your own way. You have taken charge of yourself for the betterment and success of your team. THAT is a Leadership opportunity.

    Even now, I am currently Captain of an all-girls group that is starting this Winter because I stepped up to the plate and said: “YES! I am a  girl that is not afraid to get shot by a BB and I am willing to lead others into battle!”
    I might have over-exaggerated a bit…but I got the job anyways 🙂

  5. Putting your trust in others:
    —Say you’re not the leader-type or you happen to get stuck with a group that already has an established leader, and etc? You have to have faith in your squad and faith in your team. A lot of the time, the people you are playing with are complete strangers. New people come in every competition, and it’s very rare that you get stuck playing with the same people twice. You have to learn to have faith in those around you to do the right things and to try their hardest for the betterment of the entire group.


That’s all I have for now.


Guided Meditations

Posted: October 6, 2012 in Meditation

So I find that lately, I have not been able to sleep very well.
Upon discovering this, I decided that perhaps a few guided meditations would help…that and I wanted to take this opportunity to try out my new meditation beads to see what they did and/or what they could do for me as far as meditation goes.

Well, I actually looked up some meditations on youtube.
And I actually have some pretty interesting things to write down (sleepily…so if the wording gets weird for a bit, please be patient with me). So, there were 3 meditations I tried over a span of three days:
How to Meet your Spirit Guide:

1-Hour Guided meditation to Induce Sleep:


Guided Meditation for Deep Relaxation:


  • Meeting my Spirit Guide:

So, ever since I experience “The Bubble” and met what was supposedly my “Spirit Guide of wisdom”, I decided to try another meditation to meet this ‘spirit guide’ and see if I could not figure anything else from what I had learned previously.

It would seem that during this meditation, my mind was having a hard time because, the meditation was expecting me to be meeting my spirit guide for the first time, and yet, I already knew what to expect, and so, sometimes my mind would get ahead of itself and strange images would appear. Blurs and wisps of people and things, much like the spirits that my guide summoned during my second attempt at “The Bubble”.

Anyways, so…I’m in this Meadow with my spirit guide. And, from what I knew before, while it is a man’s body with a water-buffalo’s head, I know that the buffalo head comes off and that underneath is a man with long-black hair whose face is heavily tattooed with lines. But, in this meditation, the mask was actually functioning as a face would. It’s eyes would squint, and the spirit would smile and laugh. But, in the end, my spirit guide was still able to take this mask off and present himself as a shaman that used to be human.

I guess that this almost confirms my notion that this human (whoever he was), was a young shaman in his tribe who achieved divine status. Because of this, he took on his spirit animal form and can morph from man-to-beast as he pleases…he can bend his appearance to his will.

And again, as with “The Bubble”, the whole time I was sitting there with this spirit guide, I had the strange urge to hug him…just to lean on him because it felt comforting and safe. My family does not have a lot of Native American in us…typical we are Cherokee and something else which is not strange at all for Indiana. I just wonder if maybe this man-thing is perhaps the spirit of an ancestor…and that’s why I feel so ‘homely’ when around him? I only wish there was some way to find out.

But in the end, the meditation said something about the spirit guide possibly giving the person meditating a ‘gift’? It was strange…because, while I did not receive a physical gift in the real world, my spirit guide handed me over a clear orb that had swirling white mist inside.
It reminded me of a remberall (sp?) from Harry Potter, though this orb was huge and it took 2 hands to hold it. Then, when it was time for my spirit guide to leave, he actually stood and waited for me to depart before he, himself departed from the meadow.

It was an odd experience…but it was pleasant nonetheless.



  • General Observations about the Meditations:
  1. I have found that when I meditate, when feeling relaxed, I actually feel ‘snug’ and envision myself wrapped in a silk cocoon or a cocoon made of light. I am swaddled like an infant and it leaves me feeling warm, safe, and secure.
  2. When doing the Guided Meditation for Deep relaxation, with the use of the beads, not only could I hear the waves that were crashing in the background, but I suddenly felt as though I myself had become fluid—like I was the water that was gently rolling onto the shore.
  3. during breathing/healing exercises in meditation, I could feel waves of cold chills wash over my body…and my mind immediately registered that as my ‘cool collectiveness’. Not exactly sure why, it just happened.
  4. Using the beads during meditation has heightened my senses and seems to give me a more thorough experience versus what I was having before.


But yeah…that’s really all I have for now.
I start course work for meditation maybe tomorrow night.
Wish me luck!



Intro to Leadership

Posted: October 2, 2012 in IJRS Courses


1. What would your life be like now had you not made the decisions that you did?


—Well to answer this first question, I can honestly say that if I had not made the decisions that I have made in the last 3 years that I would be living a very sorry and pitiful life. Had I not made the very decisions that got me to where I am today, I would be no better off than my Father, and would have never moved any farther than 20 miles from where my very life began.

Allow me to elaborate…

In the last 3 years alone, I have moved out to live on my own, I have moved in with my girlfriend, I have had 3 different apartments, 2 new jobs, I have relocated to a different (and much larger city), and I have dealt with a military relationship all the while packing things and getting ready to take my next big step which is my grand move to Germany (in February) where new adventures await me!


While I never like to admit it…I was pathetic when starting college. My last year of High School was awful, as I not only failed to have any sort of social life (every day I sat in my room and played Guild Wars when I was not working), but I also lost the only thing that made me feel even remotely human. After 5 years of a long-distance relationship, my (now) ex-fiancé left me because of something my Father did to split us up. It was a terrible time, and because I was so depressed, I slept all the time, ate things I shouldn’t have (when I forced myself to eat), gained a bunch of weight, and thus, failed to become a Marine (like I had been dreaming of doing). After that I went through failed relationship after failed relationship…and it wasn’t until what-would-have-been my two year ENGAGED anniversary came rolling around that I finally broke down and screamed at the universe, telling it to show me a sign that something cared about me and my well-being/happiness.
Two days later I met Taz <3333


The scary thing was that Taz was everything I said I did NOT want in a relationship. The experience with my ex had left me paranoid, scared to lose anything else precious to me, thus, I had set up really high standards.  My first standard was that I was not going to date anyone that was not currently enrolled in college.
Next, I was not going to date anyone long-distance, ESPECIALLY if that woman was living in another state. I swore up and down that I would NEVER date anyone that was military because one, that went against my distance rule, and secondly, it would most likely make me feel terrible about never joining (and it does…but I get over it). Lastly, I did NOT want to date anyone that was not a virgin like myself (seems rather silly now, but back then, it kinda made sense).


Taz broke all of those rules. She was older…she had, had some serious relationships before me. She had three years of college but stopped going and did not have a degree. She was signed up for the Airforce, and at her current location she was almost 3 hours away from me. But when Taz and I started talking…our first night on the phone/webcam lasted 8 whole hours. There was not a thing that we could not talk about, and the whole time I was looking at her on that screen, my heart was fluttering and that was the happiest I had felt in almost a WHOLE YEAR!!! That next night we were talking and we told each other our attraction for one another…and it was that small little confession that affirmed that we needed to meet ASAP. And we did…and it was amazing…and I had never cuddled anyone before…and we have been together almost 3 years since, and now I am an Army g/f (because she dropped out the AF), and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.


She was also the reason I moved out of my Mother’s house. I’m gay…my Mother knows this, but my step-dad did not because he is seriously homophobic. Well, Taz had been visiting me every other weekend at my Mother’s house, and we were trying to keep our little secret, knowing that if he found out about us being together, all hell would break loose. It was kinda fun doing all that sneaky love stuff behind his back…but, one day Taz came over, let herself in the house, caught me in my doorway and gave me a BIG kiss on the lips. Well, guess who just happened to be sitting there in the chair looking right at us? Dun-dun-dah!!!

Yeah…that sparked a fight between him and my Mother, and then my Mother gave me the ultimatum: Stop seeing Taz or move out.
I started packing my things right away.

and while most people might look down on my Mother’s actions, in the end, this ended up being a good thing. I could have easily stopped letting Taz come over and could have snuck over to her place on some weekends. That way I could have stayed within my comfort zone and would not have had to deal with any hardships that come with being an adult…but…I decided that my life needed to change. I needed to grow up and do something with my life. So I packed my things, moved into a one-bedroom with my BFF, Taz moved in a month later, and thus began my journey of being on my own. I loved it!!! Making my own rules, doing my own thing, buying the things I wanted, cooking the things I wanted it was fantastic!!!


Taz is also the reason I moved from my hometown (Terre Haute) to Indianapolis. She was missing her family and friends from school as she had given all of that up to come live with me in T.H. so she asked me very nicely what I thought about living in Indianapolis. As stated in another exercise, I hated the idea. The city was scary, and I had never left my hometown except to go see Taz in West Lafayette when she lived there. But all it took was one feud with my landlord, then a fight with my Father, then a look at my Father’s life…that’s all it took for me to realize that life was meant to be an adventure and a learning experience. But, if one wasn’t willing to take the risks, then you have just let your whole life pass you by and a million opportunities with it. Again, I started packing that next day.


Sorry this was so long.



 2. How did you feel as a leader?


…at times, things were hard. Learning to pay bills on time was terrible. Having to get a second job to afford that first apartment was a pain. BEING in that first apartment with no internet and no cable was a pain. There were fights between roommates, fights with landlords, shortage of money at times, things fell apart, got broken, and etc. I got into a car-crash in Indy (was hit by 2 semi-trucks), now I have the stress of getting things ready for Germany along with being a military g/f…but you know, in the end, I know it was all worth it because I feel accomplished.
My Father has never moved more than 20 miles from where he started his life. My Mother…has never moved more than 40-60 miles (if you take away her time in Tennessee). But here I am, living 60+ miles from where I started, with a good job, taking care of myself, and I’m soon to move to a whole other Country?! It’s crazy!!! But…it makes me proud of the decisions I have made and the lessons I have learned in order to get here.



3. How can you apply what you learned from that moment to future potential leadership moments that may arise?


—Like I have said before: because of the things I have done, and the things that I know now; I know to treat every moment like a learning experience and an adventure. I can fully admit and acknowledge that times will get hard, and there will be parts of my future that I do not like and just want to rush through because it will be hard and be a pain. But, I also know that through these rough times, I become a better and stronger person by getting through the darkness, by finding my light and learning from my mistakes.

The communication exercise was actually one of the harder ones for me to finish/complete/ and practice.
I found that it was most difficult because it is hard to get a majority of my friends to cooperate. You have to understand that the majority of my friends are my co=workers, and while these fellow employees have a kind and caring center…on the outside, they like to pick fun at each other to make the day go by faster and to keep everyone laughing.
But sometimes…their jokes go a little too far.

So I was sitting at the table with my notebook (because I take notes on the introductory course workbook to help me learn better) when one of my co-workers sat down and asked me what I was doing (because he found it odd that I was writing in the break room). At first, I merely said,”I am working on my spirituality.”
Well, this made him even more curious. This is the guy who started working out with me and got me into Airsoft. This is the guy that is an Army Veteran and calls me his ‘battle buddy’. I take his opinion in all the highest regards, and so, when he wants to know more information about something, I generally tell him. So when he asked me to elaborate, I told him,”I am learning the ways of the Jedi-Realist.”
Well, you could imagine what popped into his head. The word ‘Realist’ never even registered in his mind and all he heard was ‘Jedi’. So now he is thinking Yoda and lightsaber’s and he starts laughing his ass off! He told me: “Amelia…you live in a wacky fairytale, you know that? Jesus Christ didn’t want you…Scientology was too cool, so you decided that you were going to be a Jedi, huh?!” which was then followed by more laughing and an added,”You know…I just need to bring a camera to work and record this shit. I will have my own reality series on Youtube called: A day in the life of Amelia the retard.” and then he kept laughing.

I chuckled along a bit…I never take what he says personally because I know he is just doing it to pick fun. And believe-it-or not, he is a really good friend to me most of the time..but alas, when it came time to do this exercise, it took him awhile to cooperate. :dry:

Alright…so, when telling the Two truths and a Lie…I could tell when this co-worker was lying because his eyes would squint up when he raised his eyebrows (which he only did while lying). The second co-worker did something similar. Both men would cover their mouths and raise their eyebrows, occasionally glancing to my left. It would seem that while they could tell a truth right off the top of their head, it took them a little longer to think up a lie.
Truths were usually the obviously things…descriptive words about their appearance (like eye color, hair color, and etc). Other things that people tended to tell the truth about right off the top of the head had to do with their vehicles and/or significant others.

when it came to telling the 2 lies…again, we ran into the same things: the squinting of the eyes, the wrinkling forehead, the raising of the eyebrows. It took people longer to think up a lie than to tell the truth. There was a lag in their responses as they tried to come up with something.

The open questions actually proved harder on ME than on any of my friends to answer. I asked the one co-worker why he joined the military and why he never went back. I asked my other friend why he preferred electric airsoft guns over the gas-blowbacks. It would seem that I am so used to the simplistic yes-or-no questions that it was hard to find something that had to be answered otherwise. That and my friends laughed because they felt as though they were being interviewed. But, I mostly used things that they had mentioned as their truths to help me write the ten questions (which each person had 10 individual questions only for them). so whereas one might have been asked where he met his girlfriend and what he would do as the perfect proposal (because he is a romantic), another friend might be asked why he aspired to be a DJ and what his craziest party memory was.

Through this, I observed that most people really like talking about themselves. They like talking about things that have inspired them or their personal accomplishments. They love to elaborate on the things that make them happy, and they almost get carried away with their answers if you hit a question that they really like. Most people when explaining themselves will smile with pride…some have a more solemn look. But over all, you can see that these people are happy that someone cared enough to ask more about their personal lives.

Part of the Jedi path is taking care of one’s own body. While I have both my good and bad days (for this), I feel as though it is time to establish a solid plan to better take care of myself.
There are multiple ways that I plan to achieve this goal of a better, healthier me.  I plan to do this not only through exercising more, but also, I need to start eating healthier, and finally, I really need to start taking better care of myself in other ways such as hygiene and etc. Small things like keeping my hair cut and keeping my nails trimmed are small ways in which to make me feel better about myself and to not making excuses why I cannot do something.

But lets break this down into smaller categories to discuss my plans more in-depth:


  • Physical Fitness:

There comes a time when I need to go beyond working out at a gym where I have a membership and/or working out at a gym-like facility (like the one located right here in my apartment complex)—because, once I move out of  my apartment on Nov.5th, and especially when I leave for Germany in November, those resources will not be immediately available to me. On another note, I absolutely HATE the gym!!! I always feel so self-conscious when I go. I’m much more likely to work out when it’s in the comfort of my own little personal space.
I mean, obviously…running outside is fine because I can pretend as though I’m the only one outside. But, when I get to Germany, I am not going to was to jog around the block as a stranger in a new Country.

So I have decided that I would like to take up doing Yoga.
I mean, I just love the focus of it all…the fact that it is supposed to be both a relaxing AND a challenging workout. I feel like this type of exercise is just what I need to be in better control and more in-tune with my body. It will increase my flexibility too, and who can argue with that? ;p

Secondly, to balance out my obsession with strength and being able to fend for myself, I would like to take up a martial art. I really want to learn: Krav Maga. It just looks so appealing and it calls out to me as if this was something I could really get into if just given the chance. Another part of its appeal is that is a technique taught to soldiers in the United States…and if you know me, I’m always finding ways to better myself because I regret never joining the military (and if you tell me to just join, I would…but I’m in a relationship with a soldier and we would never get to see each other. It would only make my life more complicated and so, for now, I will just deal with the fact that I never joined, and when I come back to the US in 2-3 years, I will pursue my second dream of being a police officer). But as I said, I am fascinated and slightly obsessed with the idea of ‘strength’. This can be shown in how I play my MMO’s and regular RPG’s // I’m always playing as a warrior, a barbarian, and sometimes even a beserker. I’m always playing the type that jumps into the battle first, takes the most damage and blows to protect others, but also deals the most damage to the enemy at hand!!

But obviously these resources are not very cheap. I could do Yoga without the mat…and I could even look up Yoga on youtube and do my exercises from there. Same with Krav Maga. But, quality is generally very terrible, and some videos lack quality sound of any sound at all (because youtube likes to really crack down on people). For the Yoga Mat and beginner’s set of DVD’s that I want, I am looking at $50. Krav Maga on the other hand is much more expensive since it is something taught to Military personnel. The 6-set DVD’s with the 2-books recommended to compliment the set is a boxed deal of $123 on, and that’s NOT including the shipping and handling!!! I asked Taz for the Yoga stuff as a Christmas gift. And I might have my sister, mother, and brother pull together to get me the Krav Maga. But who knows?

Now, it’s not as though I do not exercise now. there are things that I am currently doing that keep me pretty fit (for the most part). For one, I play Airsoft. Granted, I’m not as much of a regular player as I would like to be…but when I DO play, I play rough.
It’s generally an 8-hour day on a decommissioned Missile Base out in Hobart, IN. There are generally a little less than 100 players which consists of tweens, police officers, ex military personnel, and adults that just do it for the fun. I am generally in full military gear, running around with my full-metal M4A1, with a full-metal pistol in the holster of my tactical vest. I sweat a lot, run a lot, jump a lot, and crawl a lot. I get sweaty for sure…and by the end of the day, I am exhausted and achy. But it makes me smile.
I also have regular exercises that I do as well. One of my newest is called,”The laundry game”.
Every time I put in a load of laundry, I have to do 50 jumping jacks and 2 push-ups. Normally this would not be bad…but I generally let my laundry pile up, so when I do my laundry, it can be anywhere between 3-6 loads :/
Makes me want to never do another load of laundry EVER again….


  • Taking Better Care of myself // Diet & Hygiene:

I have also tried to diet by eating healthier foods. I cut myself down to getting only 1 soda  a week, and I have cut down on my sweets intake A LOT (which doesn’t do much because I don’t eat a lot of sweets unless I’m on my period). I also switched the pudding in my lunches to sugar-free jello. Bought fruit to keep me from eating junk food in the morning and snacking on bad foods when I get home at night.
Instead of full-out bread, I actually bought whole-grain tortilla’s to make sandwich wraps out of…and I’m just doing small things like that to make a BIG difference.

But as far as taking better care of myself….it would seem that I have run into a very dark place.

I used to be very clean…like OCD-type clean. I had to at least have one shower at night, and I could not stand it when I started getting film on my teeth from eating because it made my mouth feel gross. Granted, sometimes I skipped showers while in College so that I could get some much-needed sleep, but nowadays I feel just plain disgusting!!!
Ever since Taz left for Basic Training and started this whole military-thing…I just don’t care about myself anymore. I will skip ‘full’ showers for days (like…I will wash up, but not fully shower) I will forget to shave, sometimes forget to brush my teeth (but I’ll use mouthwash). I mean, I don’t stink, and I don’t look nasty…but it’s all come down to being pure laziness on my part because I’m just too depressed to care. It got to the point where I started having dreams about my teeth falling out one-by-one…
Yeah…it’s getting bad.

I have never been this way in my entire life!!! I mostly blame it on depression, but now, with the toothaches and the fact that I have to go see a Dentist to fill in some cavities (which I have barely ever had—and have had none since I was a kid), I realize that something has to change and fast!!!

I micro-manage everything in my life with alarms…so…I have set alarms on both my phone AND my iPod to remind me to brush and shower at a certain time (just in case if I have forgotten and/or have gotten distracted by something else). This I will do before I got to work and after I come home from work. I mean, when Taz comes home…I’m that super clean freak again. It’s just when she is gone that I feel like poo and I don’t care that I’m grungy. But when we were Skyping this weekend and she told me how I never dress up for her on webcam anymore…I felt like a total bum and a slob.
So yeah…it’s time to go back to that clean person I used to be. It’s time I start caring about me…

And if I’m to work towards Knighthood, this is a critical part in my training that I must first succeed at and make it a regular thing. I only have one body in this physical lifetime. I need to take care of it.