Getting back into Deity work…

Working with a Deity is nothing new…especially when you think about how the world’s major religions focus on praying to God. So naturally, when I started down the path of Witchcraft (12 years ago), there was the task of things like ‘daily devotions’ to the God/Goddess and then the rituals themselves which often called for the practitioner to ask for a blessing.

But while I connected more on the level of the God (at the time I was worshiping Cernunnos), there was a block in that I could never really connect with Ishtar or Inanna- these being the patron Goddesses given to me in texts and local covens.

Something always seemed a bit off, and I never could fully give myself to this duo as it stood because the balance was not there, the connection and energy just did not exist with such a pairing…and I could not understand why.

Later when I picked up Jedi-Realism, I started practicing meditation for the first time. It was through my meditations that I came across a supernatural being. At the time he was considered my “Spirit Guide” and I did not know his name. He appeared in random visions during the meditation…speaking only in images that I did not always understand.

This being stuck with me even as I transitioned to Sithism…and just as my aspect changed, so too did his (even if not entirely). Whereas this being first appeared to me as a man with a water buffalo-head (he had no eyes), in my void (or my sacred space while meditating) there stood a tall, silver mirror. In this mirror I could see an alternate reality of where I was. In this world…through that looking glass, I was in my dark aspect. The bright weather was now stormy, all the leaves were now thorns, the blue fire was now red, and instead of the bull-headed man, there was a naked woman wearing a bull’s skull.

It would later become clear to me that this being was a Deity…an old God known as Ba’al that took both forms (masculine and feminine) depending on my aspect and focus at the time. They became my personal guardian of sorts of whom I would ask advice and guidance from…and they would lead me.

But, coming back into Wicca…something just did not feel right about practice without a Deity, and what felt even weirder was practice with focus on Ba’al. This is something that has been weighing on me as of late…and I tried several times to figure out why. To me, Ba’al feels so personal…and not really something to worship but more as something to confide in. But at the same time, Ba’al feels like a greater force…something more powerful than a God, and a being more tied to my soul.

I pondered this for awhile…and then last night, something came to me.

It wasn’t so much a vision as it was a memory. It was looking back on the first time I stepped foot in my void/sacred space.

I walked down the stone steps, across the path with the waterfall and clear waters beside me. I pushed aside the green curtains made from the neighboring willow tree and saw Ba’al in the masculine aspect, sitting in front of his blue fire.

While revisiting this moment, I thought to myself how much Ba’al reminded me of Cernunnos…and how I had always felt drawn to the horned God even though he lacks a lore and mythos. Such mystery surrounds him and yet you can feel that he is nature, that he exists in all things. The forests, the sun…Ba’al radiated this same feeling. So surely the two could be interchangeable in practice. I could easily use Cernunnos as the God I worship in ritual without fail…

But then something would be lacking…
The Goddess…the feminine aspect…
But then the memory carried on.

That’s when I fell the eyes upon me and heard the call of the crow. I looked up and there it sat on the silver mirror. Then I felt it, that feeling of deja vi…the reminder of what had been forgotten. The crow, it had always been there…SHE had always been there, watching me, waiting for me to notice and reach out to her. The Goddess was here.

It was in that moment that everything made sense to me…Ba’al in the feminine aspect, the darker side, the side not of gold but of silver, the side not of Sun but of the Moon. Here she was, the maiden wearing the skull of the God who dies in the colder months just waiting to be reborn…

The Goddess…my Goddess…Goddess of the crow, of death, of darkness…

And then upon finally getting some rest and waking, I put myself into finding this woman, finding the one in my vision.

And I found her…I found her in “The Morrigan“.

 

The Morrigan by Aly Fell

The Goddess of War and of Death…but also a giver of Life. Protector of lands and a fierce warrior. This image spoke to me, this being reached out to me, singularly and not of her usual triad.

And it was a good feeling…a feeling of understanding. It was like all the pieces of one crazy puzzle falling together. Then all day I felt the presence of her…the image of the crow appeared everywhere: in a friend’s kitchen, in an article about The Morrigan, and in YouTube recommendations. Even in my facebook feed.

Deities are strangle…they are mysterious and can be fickle. THEY choose when you find them and whether you are ready or not to receive them…and only then will they consider making themselves known for the better or for worse.

Even if I practice with The Morrigan and praise unto her…she may never come to me, choose to see me again like the crow on the mirror, or even bestow upon me her blessings. But I think knowing she exists and that there is something of triad in her appearance is enough and makes me feel whole.

Ba’al was not just a guide and not just any supernatural being…but I am starting to see Ba’al as the one thing we can not comprehend as living beings: The Divine.
Masculine and Feminine, the light and the dark, birth and death…all things.

I will have to meditate more on this.

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It has been years…

 

Dark Enlightenment by Paul Wolff

It has been years (a couple at least) since I last wrote in this blog. This journey to be a better me…well, I see the point in it still, but back then I was breaking it into small chunks, as if being a better person was supposed to happen in solitary pieces. Now I know that life doesn’t often allow things like that.

So what is there to say?

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• Weight-Loss:

When it comes to my weight-loss, I am still struggling. The Lipoden was a joke (now I know) and a doctor confirmed that all I was doing was starving myself. He said the B12 was a good thing, but everything else was only making my situation worse. I have gained weight. And there was a point where I was at the gym 5-days a week…but there was little to no results. There was a scare with my thyroid because of this weight gain, and a blood test showed I had issues. But then a 2nd blood test showed my thyroid as normal so there is no diagnosis as of now.
I do plan on meeting with a nutritionist…because I do still want to lose weight, and feel better. I need to stop feeling so defeated and get back into looking for ways to get results…and that includes getting back on my exercise equipment.

 

• Therapy:

Another thing I have chosen to work on this year has been my severe depression/anxiety. While I always thought I had a hold on it…when you add another person in my life also suffering from severe depression, well, being an empath it seems the worst in me had reached its peak. I was seeing one therapist for awhile but then she started acting very unprofessionally so I found someone else. Therapy has been going well and we are making progress…but Tricare is dumb and won’t renew my referral so it has come down to a waiting game with that. On top of therapy I tried getting back on anti-depressants. The first one they gave me was a cure-all (Sertraline) and it made me crazy mean. I need to head back to my doctor and tell him of the results and request something else.

 

• Spirituality:

There was awhile where I was ‘blank’…spiritually. I had hit a slump. With Sith Academy changing into this money-hungry scam instead of actually being credible like they used to be, I tried moving away from Sithism and creating my own path. I started studying at a temple that used both Ashla and Bogan in their teachings and felt enlightened for a time until the site died and I realized that there was no guidance in that place for beginners. I considered myself advanced since I knew where to go and what to do with lessons…but everyone seemed lost, and even the staff were relying on me for instruction on how to improve.
This furthered my resolve to start my own path. I tried taking apprentices and teaching them based on their particular needs…but neither were disciplined and took everything I said for a joke. So I let them go. That is something I see as a failure on my part, but then I have to remind myself that I did not fail since I continued to counsel them and try and teach them even when it was apparent that they did not care.

I guess it was no surprise when I went back into Sithism under my ‘new’ name (No longer Lord Larken of Sith Aacademy, but the graduated Darth EshBa’al)- Sithism and its core beliefs have always suited me more than the lighter path. It’s not an evil path, just a more logical lifestyle that pays attention to the direction of the world (in my opinion). In coming back to Sithism, the Sith Academy (now reinstated) got hold of me and asked for a favor. They said they were wrong in their direction and asked me to come back as a teacher. I told them I would think on it, but I never gave them an answer. They gave me two free copies of their ‘book’ which was the first in a series to teach new acolytes…and as a thank you, I agreed to read sermons from those books and post them on my YouTube Channel dedicated to Sithism.

Of course I would read their sermon word-for-word and then debate what they said or add my own points. I would also choose the pages I wanted to read because while they said they were back on the right track, a lot of what they said was still just a scam and barely any of it still held the spiritual vibe of true Sith Masters. Crazy to think I ascended over them and kept true to the path…and greed grabbed them and pulled them under.

I faded away again from Spirituality…life happens and I barely ever had time for studies, or even time to meditate. Moving, social stuff, jobs, depression, the gym, deployments, etc. There was just so much going on. I felt like religion was the last thing on my priority list:

My partner finally got her divorce, I got married, health issues, etc.

I thought I would never get a break.

…it was only this year it dawned on me that while Sithism is still a core part of who I am and what I believe, I was always looking for things to ‘add’ to it. A lot of the things that I taught while at Sith Academy had to do with other religions and how they complimented Sithism. I always said that Sithism was both a religion and a lifestyle, but I was wrong. Sithism is a lifestyle. While it has a set of beliefs, even those are varied. It is a state of mind not focused in any sort of worship…and therefore is not a religion. And what I wanted was religion.

So I went back to the books…all the things I used to study and all the things that connected with me. And strangely enough, I ended right back where I had been when I was 15-years-old: Wicca.

For over 12-years I had been studying the religion with the intent of self-dedication. But I never felt ready. My self-confidence was never strong enough to cast spells, my relationships up to this point had never been understanding of the Craft. I never felt comfortable enough with deities to truly ever put myself in that position of thanking them or asking for their blessings…
But here I was. Here I was reading my Book of Mirrors and gazing down at an unfinished Book of Shadows. Here was something that still called to me, here was something left unfinished for reasons…but the reasons were not good enough that I should just quit.

And now with social media being as big as it is, and so open as it is…I suddenly found groups upon groups of fellow Pagans in my area. I found Amino purely for Witches and the Craft. And at first it was impulsive…but something awoke in me. Confidence. I had confidence!!!

^^ This year I celebrated my first Lughnasadh where I gathered all the materials, typed out the rituals, and ran the thing from the beginning until the end.

^^ For the first time ever, I held my first ritual after doing my first set of cleansings. I removed the negative energies from my home, and cast aside the weight holding down my wife. She got protection through a ribbon anointed with special water. And that’s something I would have been too scared to do 12-years ago.

For some it may seem silly, and it might just sound like I am over-exaggerating…but to me, it is progress unlike any I have felt before. Even at IJRS with my meditations…that was something I knew I was capable of. The visions, the empathic nature of myself…I was aware. The progress still felt great, it was an accomplishment. But this right here, the act of doing a ritual, lighting that candle with a prayer, and walking around a circle with friends…that (for me) is a feat unlike any other. I feel like it’s something most people take for granted unless (like me) they suffer from that type of extreme anxiety and fear.

So as far as Spirituality goes…I feel like I am closer now to that ‘right direction’ than I have been in a long time. I dedicated an old and unused YouTube Channel to being a “budget witch” where I can do book reviews and tell my personal stories. I think it will be good for me, and good for others.

---

 

So there are the aspects of myself where I have fallen behind. My health has been one of those. But, wherein I have fallen behind in some areas, I have made massive leaps ahead in others.
I finally accepted that not all problems can be solved with a stubborn attitude and a bit of random advice. Same as it can not be cured by burning a candle or doing some chanting. But rather, I realized that I need professional help…and so I set that stubbornness aside, and I did it. I did it for myself and for my relationship with my wife.

I am tackling my fears…and though I do feel like getting back into Wicca is the best way to compliment my current beliefs, I have chosen to not dedicate myself immediately, and instead, stay true to the Year-and-a-Day rule. If I can not keep up with my witchy practices…then I will know that maybe it was not truly meant to be.

There are more updates of course, but those are for a different time. 

So I might just see you all in another blog 😉

I’m Going to be in a Comic Book Series!!

I’m going to be in a comic book series!!!

No joke!! This is so amazing and I am so honored to have had the opportunity to have my likeness and the likeness of another special lady in this amazing comic where Mad Maxx meets Lord of the Rings / this amazingly-illustrated world which is the “Lowlife” series.

Lowlife is a fun story set in a post-apocalyptic fantasy realm focusing on a group of villains and their nefarious deeds in a world where Lord of the Rings meets Mad Max. Short Synopsis: When a man with no memory of his past begins to find out that he was not a good person, he does what comes naturally to him. He becomes even worse.

—From the IndieGoGo Page

The world known as Thratas is a planet covered by sand, dust and death. What little green there is has been harvested by the lords of the lands to further their wealth and power. The weak die or become slaves, eternally in service to those of means. The lords create weapons and machines of industry in their great cities that cause pollution, making the world even more of a wasteland. Groups of orcs, elves, humans and other races roam the land, scavenging what they can to build their own weapons and ammunition to destroy. Slavery is rampant, both in the wastes and the cities.

…

Lowlife is a comic for mature readers as it contains graphic violence, nudity, adult language and some sexual situations. It is intended to be an ongoing series following the exploits of a band of criminals in a Fantasy meets SciFi/Post-apocalyptic environment.

I have already been told that I will be featured in the first book for a few pages and future books, so please, SUPPORT THIS PROJECT!

This is being created by people that have worked on official comics before, and artwork is being done by the ever-so-talented Avionetca (click her name for her DeviantArt) whom I have had the honor of watching stream a comic she was working on for a friend, the very same friend (Industrial) that got me to pledge my support to this project and is the reason my likeness and that of my wife’s can appear because the rewards are so amazing, they really do appreciate all the help they get in making this comic book and this world come to life!!! do you really need more convincing?

Do you like comics? Do you like fantasy? how about post-apocalyptic worlds? How about me? 😉 Then you will be BLOWN AWAY by lowlife featuring characters made after myself and my wife: Ruby!!!
They have 90% of funding for their first round and the second round will need just as many backers! I already know I will be helping, and, they have amazing perks/rewards for everyone that helps them out. So, if you want to know more, please check out their indiegogo page HERE: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/lowlife-issue-1-comics-fantasy#/

Or their Facebook Page here: https://www.facebook.com/LowlifeComic/

Thank you all so much for reading and, if you can not help fund this AMAZING project, then, please help by SPREADING THE WORD! See you in the wastes 😉

Weight Loss Update #3

I know it has been a minute since my last update. I was going to write after I had officially been on the program for a full week…but, in the end, since I had an appointment today, I decided to wait until then to actually post and let people know what has been going on. I’m going to categorize things…kinda separate different things that have popped up. I have been on this program now for 2 weeks…and here is what I have been experiencing since I last wrote in this blog.

• New side-effects of the pill:

—On top of the dry mouth from hell, I have found out that there are a lot more side-effects to the pill I am taking. Nothing major…just small things that can get on your nerves from time-to-time. I found myself suffering from massive headaches and could not figure out why. At first, I thought it might be my sugar getting low, and then I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawal. But, in the end, it turns out that an actual side-effect to the pill itself is headaches. For now, the headaches have gone down a lot…and it honestly is better when I drink a diet soda (I’m allowed 2-a-day on this diet but only drink 1) // so, it’s not really anything I have had to worry about. But, for a span of about 3 days…it was awful.

Another side-effect of the pill is constipation. This might be TMI…but, I have never been a “regular” person. Ever. Not even as a kid. If I go poop…once every 2 days is normal for me. Three is a little bit stranger…but, once it reaches 4-5 days without anything, I know that I’m constipated. So far…I have been going once only every 4-5 days…and the stool itself is hard and painful. So, I’m going to have to get stool softeners. It’s strange because, I eat a lo of vegetables and drink a lot of water so, to me, I should be going more…but I’m not. Stranger still is that usually when I’m constipated, I feel bloated and full of gas. I am noticing no pain at all outside from the stool itself…my stomach feels fine, I never feel bloated. But, it’s still weird to me when one of the best days I can have is the day when my body finally decides that I need to poop. >.>;;

So, these are the side-effects I skimmed over when first reading about the pill. Like I said, nothing major. It has not really harmed me in any way, and even the dry mouth is not as bad as it was. My only concern is that, like I said before…I’m growing more used to the pill and I’m hungry more often. I still only eat my 3 meals a day (2 of those meals are substitutes) and I never snack. So, I have actually been able to keep that under control.

• Cardio:

—One of the biggest things that the ladies stressed with me about this diet was doing 30-minutes of cardio a day. Cardio is my weakness. I can’t doing jumping jacks or jump-rope because of my breasts. Running kills me and there is no good place for me to run where I live. Do I still do it? Yes…I do cardio every day. Do I do 30 minutes of it? Nowhere near. I would love to go speed walking or even bike riding…but those aren’t generally an option. Between the constant shitty weather and the fact that I have no room for a bike, it’s impossible. So, I jump rope…and I suck at it.

People have been telling me: “Go to a Gym, hop on a Treadmill”. I would love to. But, my wife is my ride and I have no Gym to go to that I can afford. So…while that is a very lovely option…just trust me when I say that it’s not possible.

While I may not do 30 minutes of cardio…I do exercise for 30-minutes or longer each day. I do around 60+ crunches, I lift weights, I plank, I do other exercises, sit-ups, assisted push-ups, and whatever else I can think of. I make sure I’m sweating, that I’m tired, and that I’m sore. I do not work every day as hard as I should…and I’m ashamed of that, but, I’m getting better at it. I’m still trying to get the hang of things.

• Possibly going to try new supplements within diet:

—Here recently on FB a friend of my wife’s has been trying Herbalife for meal supplements. She has lost weight really fast while on this program and said it was safe to try with the Lipo-den. Right now, the best meal supplements I have are my slim-fast shakes. While those hold me over, they are still not really within the regulations of my diet…and so, I’m looking for something better. I might actually give Herbalife a shot…but, I’m still not sure. That’s just more money that I really don’t want I or my wife to spend.

• Struggling with carbs:

—One of the biggest thing I struggle with when it comes to this diet is counting my carbs. I’m lazy and don’t like reading nutrition labels and etc. I thought that I was fine just following the approved foods list. But, this is not the case. Turns out that my 2-slim fast shakes a day goes 1 gram over what I’m allotted for carb intake. I am only allowed 35 grams of carbs per day as well as 30 grams of fat. I never go over my fat limit… but in carbs I am still taking in anywhere between 60-81 a day. So, I really need to sit down and figure out a better dinner for myself as going one gram over is fine…

• 2-week appointment:

—I finally had my 2 week appointment…and, in my clothes and still wearing my shoes, I am down to 220! That’s 5 pounds lost in 2 weeks! I actually do not think that is bad at all…and even my wife says that she has been seeing results! So, if I can control the carbs and such, I feel like I can only do better next time around!

I also got another injection today, and I’m supposed to get one every 2 weeks until I have reached 2-months worth of shots. They do it every 2 weeks to keep the chemicals flowing through your system. The only problem with this, is that I am leaving for California here soon…and I can not make a mid-month appointment…or any appointments for that month at all. So, my next injection is not until July…and I worry that this will seriously affect my diet and keep me from seeing results. I’m not even sure what all the injection does other than help control sugar cravings and give me a boost of energy (as well as flushing all the bad stuff out of my liver).

Not to mention I will have to refill my pills while I am in Cali as well. It was poor planning as well as not really knowing how the program worked…which is essentially my fault. At this pace…if I can lose 5 pounds every 2 weeks…Then in 2-months I should be down to 200 pounds, and then in another 2-months, I will reach my goal of 180. Then, I will just stay on the pills from then-on (for awhile) until I can maintain my weight. Or, if my wife agrees…I might stay on the program until I can reach 150. But…small goal first is 180 and then we will see where I feel like going from there.

Some people lost more weight than I did…and I admit that in some areas I am slacking. But, all-in-all, I’m very happy with the results I have gotten and what little results I have seen.

 

So…in conclusion to all this…there might not be another update for awhile. Since I will be gone the whole month of June, I doubt I will have any time to post again until some time in July. Thank you all for being patient with me, supporting me, and offering me advice. Also…for those that had questions about the program, I’m always happy to answer those questions.
Big questions I seemed to get last blog post concerned calorie counting. I do NOT count calories. The sheet they gave me said nothing about calories, so, I do not even worry about it. The only thing that the paper is concerned about is the carb limit, the fat limit, and staying away from as many sugars and non-approved foods as possible. This is mostly breads and starches…all things that any diet would tell you to stay away from anyways. Also…another person asked if I’m starving myself. NO. I am in no way starving. With the pills gone, I get hungry more often than I did first starting the pill…but I manage that with drinking lots of water. I still eat 3 meals and have gone back to eating regular portions (since at first I was eating half that) // but I do not snack and never go back for seconds on a plate. I have my wife make up my plate so that I’m not throwing more on my plate than what I need. ALSO…if I’m full, I notice a lot quicker and never force myself to eat more like I used to. So, I’d say the program has been working really well.

 

Thanks again for tuning in…and, I will see you all in the next one 😉

Weight Loss Update #2

I know that it seems like it has been awhile since I posted. Maybe that’s just me…but, while I have wanted to keep a steady report on my weight loss stuff, the internet at my place of work has not been connecting, and, by the time I make it home, it’s already late (basically time enough for dinner, for working out, and then for relaxing a little before a shower and then bed).

 
I have made another video blog…
This time it’s about the pill that I’m taking. The pill itself is called: Phentermine Hydrochloride // it’s an appetite suppressant that keeps me from having random cravings as well as keeping my body energized. It’s coming up on being a week since I started taking the pill, and I find that the worst side-effect and only side-effect is severe dry-mouth:

 

The pills themselves did not make me hungry at first…it was a struggle eating at all. But, here recently…I find myself being more hungry and wanting to eat more rather than just a few bites. It has me worried because I feel like my cravings are coming back…but then again, I have been exercising more, so maybe it’s just my metabolism kicking in? I have only been eating about 2 meals a day…and have been snacking on cheese which I need to stop doing. I need to remember that protein shakes are for cravings and I probably need to start drinking that veggie gel again to keep my hunger in check.

 
I can’t say that I’m not worried about this. I feel like if nothing comes of this…then the $200 was for nothing. I know I need help…I can’t lose this weight with my will alone. I know that it has only been a week…but, that does not stop me from being paranoid. I want to succeed in this. I want to be healthy again, be sexy again…all of that.
So…one thing I notice more and more as time goes on is that I am suffering from really bad headaches. I can’t tell whether its a sugar problem (since I’m not allowed to have sugars) or whether or not it’s a caffeine withdrawal. I can’t have soda or even coffee anymore (unless it’s decaf). I have only been drinking water for the past week (minus the one sarsaparilla I allowed myself). I will also have to cheat tomorrow (the 18th of May 2016) because I have to have blood work done. I can’t have blood drawn without some sort of sugar in me. The last time they attempted to do it, I had only drank one slim fast and then had 3 carrots…and I nearly blacked out.

 
But…because I will be eating sugar and bread most likely…it’s slim fast for me the rest of the night. >.>

 
I’m finding that the hardest thing about this new weight-loss thing is actually doing the exercise. The diet is fine…it lets me eat all the things I love. However, doing 30 minutes of cardio is proving to be near impossible. I babysit all day…and 3 days out of that 5…I have a kid that I can not take outside with me because he is too much to handle (doesn’t behave, still likes sticking foreign objects in his mouth, requires constant supervision). I have been trying to do the cardio as much as I can, and while it may not all be cardio, I have been exercising for 30 minutes a day (on bad days I still manage a good 22 at least). I’m trying…but it’s just me.

 
My wife is very supportive…but in the end, I do all my exercises alone. It is purely up to me to do them, to make myself do them…and it’s very hard. I feel like if I had a bicycle…things would be different. Then I could ride it on Wednesdays and Thursdays for 30 minutes with the one kid…and then could take said-bike home one those days I couldn’t use it and then ride at home. But, then storage becomes an issue. So either way, no matter how much I want a bicycle…right now between the cost, storage, and luggage issue…it just seems impossible.

 
However…the pools will be opening soon…and then I can do my night swimming like I was before. It says that swimming is allowed on the paper, and I think that would be good for me. I can easily swim for 30 minutes and then go home and complete my other exercises. While I’m in Cali though (which happens starting June), the cardio will be even harder though. I will have to make my own time away from my wife while she is visiting with her brother…plus, I will be in a strange house.

 
So…it’s a constant struggle of sorts…trying to figure out what to do, how to do it…and whether or not I’m doing enough? working out for 25-30 minutes has me sweating and breathing hard. However…some of the “cardio” that I do does not even make me break a sweat. I’m trying to mix so many things together to get a result. Plus, I need to start counting the calories of my meals starting next week. The paper they gave me at the clinic limits some things like carbs and fat…and I have not been counting that. I honestly forgot about it…but, now I have to be more careful. That’s a lot of calculating and all it’s going to do is make my diet even harder.

 
I know that means eating even less than I have been…and I know it will stress my wife out if I can’t eat like she does (she has a guilt complex about it). So…gotta find that paper and then start getting better at…everything essentially.

 
Anymore…it’s more fear of this not working than anything else that makes me work harder. I don’t want this to be a waste of money.

 
More vlogs to come later…
So, I will see you in the next one.

Weight loss via Lipo-Den

While it has been awhile, we can all agree that the one thing I tend to talk about the most is when asking about advice and/or making plans to lose some weight. I can not say I have always “struggled” with me weight…because, that’s not the case. Back in 2011 I was the heaviest had ever been (at that point) at 190. I freaked out…
My partner at the time was also getting heavier, and not too long after I started trying to eat healthier and do more to lose weight she decided to go military…so, by 2012, I was working out at the Gym 5 days out of the week. I lost some weight during this time…I managed to get down to 170 which was pretty good (because my comfort zone is 180). But, once my ex left for Basic Training…I lost motivation, cancelled out my gym Membership (because she left me high and dry on bills that I now had to cover all on my own)—I started feeling heavy again.

Well, that changed when I took up playing Airsoft. I started running with a Veteran friend of mine 3 days a week…was jogging at work, and I saved up enough money to buy appetite suppressants and vitamins to keep me energized and keep me eating healthy. I cut out most soda, I stopped eating junk food and was eating healthier. I eventually got down to 150 pounds and had never felt sexier. I felt thin, I felt like I had all the energy in the world. I was doing pretty good. I felt like I was in a good place.

Fast forward to Germany…my whole life changes. I can no longer play Airsoft. I’m not comfortable with running around my neighborhood and anywhere for that matter. My diet is changing…and my work schedule has me exhausted…and I was not even doing the same job (the new position had me standing all day rather than walking). I started gaining weight again…but, with how much I was traveling and always walking to get from point A to point B, I never got above 180…which again, is where I’m actually pretty comfortable.

Life spins me around some more…I finally stop hanging around my abusive ex, I move on with my life. I’m happy with someone who finally…gets me. She never tells me I’m fat or that I should be thin enough to wear a bikini. She LOVES big girls, and enjoys all my curves. I’m comfortable. I’m living in Texas, all my bills are paid…I’m well fed, I’m spoiled. But, I get SUPER lazy. In being comfortable and happy, I gain so much weight that working out is near impossible. I tried diets…but the diets left me constantly starving, I was in pain. No amount of shakes or water to fill my gut could kill the cravings. pills to give me more energy so that I could cut out soda did not help anymore…Exercises were either too much to where I wrecked my body and could not move for 3 days – or, they were too little and I was not seeing results. Diets would have me losing 2 pounds just to gain it back in a matter of days when I was allowed my “cheats”, and the other diets that were guaranteed to work were making me bulky…and I was not losing any fat.

So here we are today where I am at my highest which is 225.
I’m miserable. I’m not one to go to extremes…but, it finally dawned on me last week that, the simplest tasks wind me. When I used to climb the stairs to my apartment, I was fine. Now, I’m struggling to get up that last step, I’m out of breath, and the first thing I do once I am inside is sit on the futon to recover. I cannot carry all the groceries I used to up the stairs without really hurting myself. Even kicking off blankets leaves me feeling tired…it’s unnatural. I’m extremely unhealthy. Everything leaves me out of breath…and not only has it become a physical health issue…but, a mental health issue too. I find myself being more depressed. My libido is still extremely active, but, with how I feel about myself…my wife does not ever feel in the mood. And, I don’t blame her. If I don’t feel sexy…then what’s the point? My image of myself I think is disgusting…it’s not me. Then I hear people looking at my old photos and saying: “You were so skinny! Omigosh you were so pretty!” and then I want to cry. My wife tells me every day that I’m beautiful…but I also know that the beauty she sees now is different from the beauty she sees in my other photos. I’m someone you can love and cherish…the old me, the me I want to be again…is that person you lust over because she is so hot. THAT is what I want back…
I want back that confidence…even that bit of ego that came with it. I knew I was smokin’ and could get anything I wanted with my looks. I want that power back…because I was happier then (with my weight).

So…knowing that my health was now at risk…I finally made the decision to do a Lipo-Den shot and weight loss package. The shot itself is a mixture of B-12 vitamins and other components to flush out fat from the liver, burn off fat, and to help with certain cravings. Then the appetite suppressant leaves me feeling fuller faster, and it keeps me from feelign hungry later. It comes with a diet that is like a modified Atkins Diet…not as strict as Atkins…but follows the same basis of high-protein, low-carb // not to mention I am now required to work out for AT LEAST 30 minutes every single day. It’s not going to be easy…but it has gotten results in soldiers that use it to pass weight and tape. Not to mention, this program is something I can keep doing for as long as I want with no negative effects to my body.

It seemed pretty drastic to some…
While a lot of people were rooting me on and asking me to keep them updated on if it worked, other people were not so sure about it and said that if I wanted to lose weight. I could just diet and workout without spending the money and get the same results. But…that’s not so true. When you’re my weight, suffering from all these problems…and you HAVE been working out, and you HAVE been dieting with little to no results…and your health is STILL getting worse…sometimes these things are necessary. It’s not about whether or not I’m still gorgeous—I am still pretty (to me and others) but, it’s my health that is important. Mentally and physically, it is my health that actually matters to me.

So…I got the injection today and will be picking up my prescription tonight.

I start everything tomorrow so, tonight it my last night to splurge.
I still have to get my blood-work in to them within 7 days before I can get my next injection and/or get my refill. So, there’s that. My next appointment is on the 26th of this month, and every week I plan on vlogging my progress. I will discuss any side-effects of the stuff I am taking…talk about my progress if there is one. Also talk about exercising and all that stuff.

My minimum goal is to get back down to 180…and my max goal is to get back down to 150. It’s the start of my new journey…and, I only hope it’s one that gets me to where I want to be. So, wish me luck I guess?

 

My wool may not be as white…

…something…a thought…it has been re-occurring to me over and over again lately and giving me a chuckle. I see these posts online, people complaining about being the “black sheep” of the family and how hard it is. I laugh because it seems pretty pathetic…seems something stupid to complain about. A black sheep is still a sheep nonetheless. So, what’s the problem? And then I’m reminded that, even my wool is not so white…

I remember when I first started taking control…when I first started to understand that I was old enough to pave my own way. To break outside of the mold that my parents had made for me…to break away from that model of a perfect person everyone else expected of me. I won’t say it was liberating…because at first, I too felt the sting at what people consider being the “black sheep” to be. I remember telling people that I was dropping out of college. At least for a year until I could figure myself out. I had hopped into a private school because my parents wanted the best for me…had taken on a major in Psychology because people told me it suited me, that I would be good at it, and go figure, they said I would love the money. But, while psychology was an amazing study, the career did not sit well with me. It was not something I would enjoy. Human Services was no better, it was not for me. And, Music Therapy…I could not see myself ever having a stable career in it. I needed something different, and, because I did not know what…heaven forbid I quit school instead of staying in a place that was going to cost me $32,000 a year and had already put me into $15,000 in debt because they took my grants away.

My Mother and Father were…disappointed. They wanted me to give them my next move, my next plan of action. They wanted me to have my whole future laid out NOW, NOW,NOW! If I wasn’t getting scolded for not working enough hours to pay my own bills (because…you know, I had school to do as well), then I was scolded for dropping out and not having a plan. Not to mention that I was in my first real relationship at the time, and suddenly everything was blamed on this new love interest of mine, how she had turned me into a rebel, how I was probably doing drugs, and was obviously skipping classes for sex. Even my classmates looked down on me for decisions that were of my control and I had good reason for making…but, it was outside of the norm. I was EXPECTED to stay in school. I was EXPECTED to suffer and barely pass…to get a degree I did not even want, OR to switch majors until I found my true calling as if the loans piling up did not even matter. There were no drugs, and yes…I was drinking sometimes, and yes, I would not always go to class…but the grades were average because college was hard. The reason I quit was the debt and knowing that I was burnt out and not even interested in any career path the private school could offer me.

Then suddenly…I was given a choice: Quit my girlfriend and go back to school (take on more hours too), or move out.

This sheep chose to move out.

Moving out was not so bad. Yes, there were times I struggled, there were moments I was still going home to wash some laundry or my Mother and/or Father was bringing me over dinner, or a blanket, or some other random appliance I might need. But, I was free. No longer was I thinking about how much of a failure I was to everyone else…I was thinking about my life, how best to experience it, how best to truly live it. Things were…calm (for the most part). Then, I decided to move to the capital.

It was another bad move I guess…just one more notch on my belt. How dare I consider even for a moment, moving to a new city and starting my life over??? I remember being scolded: “You’ll get raped” , “If your car breaks down, how can I help you?” ,  and even better…”If you move, then don’t bother calling me ever again”. Harsh, right? Why? Because I would be looking for a job, because I would be living with my lover’s Mom…there were so many uncertainties that people just assumed I was better off living in a  black-hole town with no way of ever having a better life until I got some degree. I did not want to work as a Temp the rest of my life, did not want to juggle that with fast-food and taking part-time classes because it’s all I could focus on while trying to pay the bills. I did not want to be ‘stuck’ the rest of my life…did not want to end up just another family member with a list of regrets, with a list of things they wished they could have done and would have done…but they never did because they did not want to take a risk. They did not want to tackle anything that did not have a 100% chance of succeeded. I refused to live that life of fear, refused to hide behind security and live a boring and uneventful life. If I fell down, so what? I would scrape my knees, they would bleed…but ultimately, they would heal and I could try again. So again…I could hear the whispers behind my back at every turn.

I was the girl whom in school had the 3.6 GPA, whom had gotten the scholarships. I was supposed to be going somewhere. But then wait…I was a lesbian, so much for their dreams of me finding a rich husband. So much for their dreams of me being mother to a bazillion children…I could hear them: Oh, I liked video-games? Not normal for a girl like me. I was a Furry? Aren’t they animal fuckers? Again, I had let them down.
And now…now I was the dropout wanting to move away with my fuck buddy to a new city where no one could keep an eye out on me while I lived my life? For shame…

It’s funny. It makes me laugh. I laugh to think that I even cared back then…that these thoughts hurt me or they even broke my heart. I hate that these thoughts even made me angry because why was I supposed to be what everyone else wanted, but, not what I wanted? Every career choice I wanted was not good enough because it never made enough money. Every mistake of every friend and family member was thrust upon me as if I had to suffer their same fate for whatever reason. As if, because they failed at something, I was doomed to fail at it too. the ignorance of it all still astounds me.

I remember finally getting established in Indianapolis and finally people started coming to see me. Family visited, saw how well off I was and they were finally proud of me. they realized they had been wrong…and just knowing that they said they were really happy for me, I took that as “Hey…sorry for being such an asshat.” There were no hard feelings and life was good…until I decided I was moving to Germany. Suddenly all those questions came hitting me again like a truck: “I thought you said you were going back to school?” , “It’s too dangerous, you’re going to get killed!”, “We can’t save you if you move across the Country!”, “Two years is too long…you don’t need to move to Germany, just save up money and visit your woman when you can”.

Some people were supportive…but most people were not. Every day up to the day I left was one more conversation after the next of why I shouldn’t leave, why it was a dumb idea. Experiences and regrets being projected onto me like I too was cursed and if I left, would never make it back alive. again people would whisper…I was once again the odd one, the black sheep, under the spotlight because I was doing something crazy…because I actually wanted to live my life and pave my way on my own. Because I had a choice, I had a voice, and everyone else saw it as blasphemy, saw it as rebellion. It wasn’t rebellion, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make amazing memories. It wasn’t there life to live it was MINE and I was taking control.

So I went to Germany…their voices, their chains could not hold me. Even now I know that had I stayed in the States, I would have regretted it forever, would have hated every moment. And, knowing that I met my wife there…in that place, so far away from all I had ever known. It shows me even more how I made the right choice. That by being what people call the “black sheep” and by leaving with my middle finger up in the fucking air, I was in control of my life, I was in control of my own happiness…I was taken action towards the betterment  of ME, MYSELF, and I…and I was doing something and feeling something that those other people will never know.

Germany was not easy…and while it’s hard to admit, yes, there were places where people ended up right.  I was molested by a stranger that had walked me to my apartment after a late shift…I had been homeless upon first arriving. The person I traveled there for cheated on me numerous times and by the end of it all kicked me off of base not caring what happened to me. I was depressed at times…there were dark places that I was surprised I made it out of alive. But, there was also the beautiful memories. My travels, going to Italy for my birthday. The sports bar, my friends, my Godson…meeting my beautiful wife. Nothing could make me think twice about doing it all over again…

…if given a time machine, there would be nothing I would go back and change in order to try and fix it. Because you know what? My life doesn’t need fixing…I don’t need fixing. And most importantly…I do not need some other person’s approval to be happy and live the life I want and deserve.

Even today when I could not be happier…there are those that tell me to do better, that I deserve better, that I could have more, that I should have come back home. But what do they even know? Do they even know me anymore? And…if they really ‘cared’ about me like they claim, then, wouldn’t they be happy that I’m finally happy? That I’m in a healthy relationship? That I have my own place, that all my bills are paid, that I’m well fed and spoiled? do they even care that this is the life I always dreamed of? why are they so hell bent on trying to pull me like I’m their puppet on a string…why are they so convinced that if I am not living the life that they want for me that I’m not happy?

Yes…I’m going back to school, yes, I already have my career path picked out. But it’s no one’s business to know the when and the how. It’s no one’s business to say that my being a babysitter is not a real job or that I should be doing more. It’s no one’s business to know when my wedding is, or when certain things are happening…or even when I might be coming home for a visit. My life is no one’s business, and no one has room to talk when it comes to the way I am living. Because this body, this life, these experiences…they only belong to me. And what I choose to do with it all is the only thing that matters. The rest is all talk…these labels are just your way of saying that you’re so discontent with yourself that you have to be more discontent with someone else’s life just to feel better. All of that is on you…and it will never weigh me down again.

So…never complain of being the black sheep. Rock that wool, flaunt it. If you’re in control of your own life, your own happiness…if being this black sheep is a result in you taking action and breaking free of the mold someone else made for you…then don’t lament. Be proud. Because you’re not the slave of your fears and insecurities like everyone else…you are unique, you will pave the way to your own happiness…you my friend, your wool may not be as white…but you are FREE.