Working with a Deity is nothing new…especially when you think about how the world’s major religions focus on praying to God. So naturally, when I started down the path of Witchcraft (12 years ago), there was the task of things like ‘daily devotions’ to the God/Goddess and then the rituals themselves which often called for the practitioner to ask for a blessing.
But while I connected more on the level of the God (at the time I was worshiping Cernunnos), there was a block in that I could never really connect with Ishtar or Inanna- these being the patron Goddesses given to me in texts and local covens.
Something always seemed a bit off, and I never could fully give myself to this duo as it stood because the balance was not there, the connection and energy just did not exist with such a pairing…and I could not understand why.
Later when I picked up Jedi-Realism, I started practicing meditation for the first time. It was through my meditations that I came across a supernatural being. At the time he was considered my “Spirit Guide” and I did not know his name. He appeared in random visions during the meditation…speaking only in images that I did not always understand.
This being stuck with me even as I transitioned to Sithism…and just as my aspect changed, so too did his (even if not entirely). Whereas this being first appeared to me as a man with a water buffalo-head (he had no eyes), in my void (or my sacred space while meditating) there stood a tall, silver mirror. In this mirror I could see an alternate reality of where I was. In this world…through that looking glass, I was in my dark aspect. The bright weather was now stormy, all the leaves were now thorns, the blue fire was now red, and instead of the bull-headed man, there was a naked woman wearing a bull’s skull.
It would later become clear to me that this being was a Deity…an old God known as Ba’al that took both forms (masculine and feminine) depending on my aspect and focus at the time. They became my personal guardian of sorts of whom I would ask advice and guidance from…and they would lead me.
But, coming back into Wicca…something just did not feel right about practice without a Deity, and what felt even weirder was practice with focus on Ba’al. This is something that has been weighing on me as of late…and I tried several times to figure out why. To me, Ba’al feels so personal…and not really something to worship but more as something to confide in. But at the same time, Ba’al feels like a greater force…something more powerful than a God, and a being more tied to my soul.
I pondered this for awhile…and then last night, something came to me.
It wasn’t so much a vision as it was a memory. It was looking back on the first time I stepped foot in my void/sacred space.
I walked down the stone steps, across the path with the waterfall and clear waters beside me. I pushed aside the green curtains made from the neighboring willow tree and saw Ba’al in the masculine aspect, sitting in front of his blue fire.
While revisiting this moment, I thought to myself how much Ba’al reminded me of Cernunnos…and how I had always felt drawn to the horned God even though he lacks a lore and mythos. Such mystery surrounds him and yet you can feel that he is nature, that he exists in all things. The forests, the sun…Ba’al radiated this same feeling. So surely the two could be interchangeable in practice. I could easily use Cernunnos as the God I worship in ritual without fail…
But then something would be lacking…
The Goddess…the feminine aspect…
But then the memory carried on.
That’s when I fell the eyes upon me and heard the call of the crow. I looked up and there it sat on the silver mirror. Then I felt it, that feeling of deja vi…the reminder of what had been forgotten. The crow, it had always been there…SHE had always been there, watching me, waiting for me to notice and reach out to her. The Goddess was here.
It was in that moment that everything made sense to me…Ba’al in the feminine aspect, the darker side, the side not of gold but of silver, the side not of Sun but of the Moon. Here she was, the maiden wearing the skull of the God who dies in the colder months just waiting to be reborn…
The Goddess…my Goddess…Goddess of the crow, of death, of darkness…
And then upon finally getting some rest and waking, I put myself into finding this woman, finding the one in my vision.
And I found her…I found her in “The Morrigan“.

The Morrigan by Aly Fell
The Goddess of War and of Death…but also a giver of Life. Protector of lands and a fierce warrior. This image spoke to me, this being reached out to me, singularly and not of her usual triad.
And it was a good feeling…a feeling of understanding. It was like all the pieces of one crazy puzzle falling together. Then all day I felt the presence of her…the image of the crow appeared everywhere: in a friend’s kitchen, in an article about The Morrigan, and in YouTube recommendations. Even in my facebook feed.
Deities are strangle…they are mysterious and can be fickle. THEY choose when you find them and whether you are ready or not to receive them…and only then will they consider making themselves known for the better or for worse.
Even if I practice with The Morrigan and praise unto her…she may never come to me, choose to see me again like the crow on the mirror, or even bestow upon me her blessings. But I think knowing she exists and that there is something of triad in her appearance is enough and makes me feel whole.
Ba’al was not just a guide and not just any supernatural being…but I am starting to see Ba’al as the one thing we can not comprehend as living beings: The Divine.
Masculine and Feminine, the light and the dark, birth and death…all things.
I will have to meditate more on this.