Archive for the ‘Meditation’ Category


Wow…it as been awhile, hasn’t it?
I thought that this blog would be full of constant posts about my progress as a Force-Realist, but in reality, there is not too much to report anymore. Don’t get me wrong…I could report any number of things that are not Force-Related as this is supposed to be “my challenge”…a blog about my life and how it has changed. But I guess, because of recent events (recent as of October last year), I have been holding out for that one big post about it all…once everything falls into place, I can let everyone know of the events that transpired and that changed me forever. But, for now, I just have another handful of updates for you.

So first…let me cover “Exercise”:

So…to put it simply: “I got fat”.
Some of it was pure laziness on my part, but then the other part was that while I was in Germany, I was not taking the best care of my body, and when I came back to the USA, it caught up with me. In Germany, I was only eating maybe 1-2 meals a day…and they had little to no substance to them. I would snack on Pizza for 3 days, and eat eggs and zucchini every day but even with that, depression, stress, and being sick all the time was making me lose weight. I did not want to ask my (now ex) lover for help because then she would usually scream at me, saying I was too expensive or that I could not take care of myself…and if her and I were dating at the time, she would then proceed to break up with me…and it was always just a hassle and mess that I did not want.

So now, as mentioned before, I am back in the USA…and with full meals again, eating 3-meals a day and then some…my body blew up like a balloon. My skin stretched…my belly got stretch marks, then my arms, armpits, breasts, legs, and even in my various other pelvic regions. These are things that I have never suffered before (well, except minor belly stretch marks from being an obese teenager). So, while my new life has been happy…and I am now well-taken-care of by an amazing woman that has healed me mentally and otherwise…well, the stretch marks and the weight has had me down. But, it was hard finding the time to fix the issue…between working and then keeping up a household for my partner, it all became too much. And I let myself go a little farther. Well, needless to say, here recently, I quit my job.

They sent me to the hospital because they would not let me go home when I could not breathe and was having severe chest pains.
And when I finally snapped at my partner because I was working every day (went 10 days without a single day off), she told me to quit…and she told me to focus on my career. But, that’s just the thing: “What do I want to do with my life?”

It’s never been as simple as saying I like this field and could be this-or-branch out into-that. Hm…instead, the best way to put it is that I’m good at a lot of things, enjoy a lot of things, and therefore could do a lot of things, and because my options are so open, it’s hindering. I went to college before, and it turned out that Psychology was not my thing, Human Services I disliked even more, and then my Music Therapy classes were going to cost more than what they were worth. Gen Ed was an option sure…but after 3 failed majors I was already $15,000 in debt and decided not to go back to school until I decided what I wanted to do…..

Trying to cut a long-story short, my partner finally did what she thought was best, asked me what all things I wanted to do, threw those options in a hat, and I picked “Police Academy”. This would be good for me because now I was on the path of getting fit…or was going to be. My partner (a soldier and also wanting to better herself), got us a Gym Membership and it was something we could do together. But, going to the Gym would not be enough. To start me off right, my partner got me some things from the GNC to aid me in my transformation.


  1. The firming butter is for the stretch marks. I apply it every night after my shower and already I have seen an improvement.
  2.  Ultra Mega Green is your basic women’s multivitamin to take in order to boost multiple things like immune system, boost your energy and metabolism the natural way and to fight fat and etc. They generally recommend this at any GNC because if you take diet pills it will sap nutrients from your body. This multi-vitamin taken 2-times a day replenishes what the diet pills might strip you of.
  3. Satisfive is a powder added to water and is drank along with meals to keep cravings away. I am hypoglycemic and I get hungry often…even after eating. It’s terrible getting hungry right before bed because hunger turns into pain for me, and then I can’t sleep. But this power made with spinach and other things, turns to gel and wraps around whatever I am eating…causing it to digest just a little slower and makes me feel fuller for longer. So far it works. But I have only been drinking it once a day because it tastes pretty gross and doesn’t mix as well in water as it says. But, you can also mix it with juices, and I want to start doing that once I find the perfect juice that isnt full of sugar and actually has some nutritional benefit to it.
  4. The Performix SST Glow for women is my diet pill…has lypowheat in it, gives me an energy boost…and while more expensive, the glow-version has less caffiene as to not give me the severe jitters when taking it. It’s something very similar to what I took back when I was still living in Indianapolis. I know it works, and I trust it…but getting used to it can be hard. The key is to stay hydrated else you feel sick…but I hate water…so that part of it all has been difficult.

All-in-all I know people are going to tell me: “You don’t need that stuff to get fit…” but, everyone is different. Let me do things my way. As long as I am improving and I’m doing it in a way that is not harming me, there should be no problem. Still, I plan to chronicle my journey on here as I make changes in my life. I got the app S-fit on my phone and need to use it more often. Also, my Father got me a Garmin Vivo-fit-2 watch which syncs to said-app and keeps track of different things applying to fitness as well. So I need to do this. I need to get fit and healthy again.


Now I can talk about Sithism, YouTube…and Force-Realism in General:

There was a moment where I woke up on morning and I just felt “powerful”. I could not explain it…but I flt that rush of a Sith Lord again. It came after a meditation session in which I saw Ba’al again…in his masculine-demonic form. He roared at me as my “core” burst into flames. I felt alive again, drawn to The Force again. Somehow this lead me to go back to all the Sith Temples I had studied at…and upon seeing them inactive as per usual, I then found myself wandering back to the Sith Academy out of curiosity.

For awhile the Sith Academy had long gone astray from the power they used to hold and to have. They started making sub-religions, sub-cults in which they would hide behind different masks and act like different people. Most took it as role-playing and just grown men trying to make a quick buck…and it was true. They would recruit people into these different cults and act like they were all aligned with one another and that they had some sort of Army. But, at long last they came back around to Sithism, to Sith Academy and the vision of Darth Omega. They built upon their curriculum, made it more strict, tied it more to social media…actually published a book (if you could call it that). And I reached out to them for a free book to see if maybe they finally came around and were once again the power I knew them as.

They were not…
…they continued to disappoint, still seeming as a gimmick for wealth. Immortalized only in how others joked about them and laughed at what they were teaching. For them, Sithism is blindly following two leaders that have no way to attain the goals they set. And so, I decided that, as a Darth…it is my job to set an example. To get my own word out there. Thus, I made a new YouTube Channel under the name “Larken EshBa’al”

Darth EshBa'al

This channel based only in Sithism is part of a larger project I call “Force Talk”. As someone who knows both sides of The Force (Light and Dark) and who has dabbled along with people claiming to be Je’daii, I made “Force Talk” to answer questions people might have about Force-Realism or Force-Religions/Lifestyles. But, the project was too big to handle on my own.

Force Talk was shut down not long after I started building it, because, even with a script written…as someone more associated with the Dark side of The Force, I just did not feel right tackling Jedi-Realism and other subjects i might not be as versed in.

So, Force-Talk has changed…and even now I’m trying to find a way for people to help. I want to make a channel where multiple people run it, where multiple people make videos and post about their views. Force-Realism whether it be for the Jedi or for the Sith, each side teaches the way in which The Force may be utilized completely different. Where IJRS is constantly changing and integrated some new technique from some new progressive book somewhere…TOTJO has a christian-Jedi model. Same as OotS holds a more open and passive way of Sithism and selfishness in comparison to the cult which is Sith Academy.

Not only that…but while I am more Sith than Jedi and I am indeed a Darth in my heart, my path is a personal one, and my religion is one I am building on my own and which is tied to the creature named Ba’al which is linked to my soul.

Therefore…in conclusion…

My mind has been here, there, and everywhere.

I feel that since 2016 is coming…and I’m soon to be changing a lot in my life (getting fit, getting married, changing a budget, possibly moving, and etc) that I should get back on this blog and really start chronicling the stuff that has changed and the stuff I have been improving on. I want to see myself get better…and that was the original purpose of this blog anyways.

Still…pictures of my eight will be coming. I am going to start keeping tabs on myself again, what I eat, how and when I work out, and etc. Hopefully see some serious changes soon.

Until the next blog.


Here recently I have been trying to get back into meditation…access my core of power, my void, that place within myself that is my mental and emotional sanctuary. As I evolve and grow as a person, so does my void. My void reflects the events of my life, and not only does its appearance change with me, but the way I am portrayed in this place changes as well. When focusing on the Lighter subjects n the spectrum, I find myself often in the woods…walking along a rock path in the midst of Autumn. A small creek runs beside me, leading me down to a veil of willow vines that I push aside to reveal a small patch of grass where a small fire is ever burning…bright orange and welcoming. My spirit Guardian: Ba’al is there in the masculine form…a man that has the head of a water buffalo. He speaks no words and often fills my head of images when I question him about one thing or the other. He holds my hand through things and helps me find my way in a more peaceful manner.
Then there is the silver mirror in this place where Ba’al sits…and when looking through this mirror, I can see the other side of this place which is much darker.
When focusing on subjects of the Dark Nature, when focusing on the harsh realities of things, or just when my scales have tipped more towards the Dark Side, this pleasant, wooded area now becomes a mass of dark thorns. The rock path is still there, the moon is full and the stars are out and shining. The creek still runs though the water is now dark and one can no longer see the bottom, it is black like the abyss. the trees are all dead, and now the vel of willow branches are dead and withered. Pushing them aside is this same place where so often i have sat to discuss things with Ba’al. Here I still see a mirror where I can gaze and see the other side, here the fire burns purple, and here there stands a female Ba’al…unclothed, her body human, naked and exposed. She has a tail, and wears only the water buffalo skull but has a human face. Her teeth are sharp, eyes piercing…she is not so kind this Ba’al…not so kind because she is brutally honest, and not scared to teach someone a lesson.
This is the Ba’al that appears when I have a lesson to learn the hard way because the nicer ways and soft-spoken path has not worked. Here I have oftened battled with this spirit and lost…and upon losing she rps my heart from my chest and then I awake from my slumber or am pushed from my void (if meditating) and it takes me some time before I am mentally able to traverse there again.
Normally I take to the void in a human guise…but with my changes I have now taken a new form…I have taken the form of a wolf. Like my two selves—Miarene (Jedi) and EshBa’al (Sith), there are two wolves to show these sides of Light and Dark.

These new forms were brought about by my accepting my more raw and animal nature, embracing myself as part of the Furry fandom, and setting my inner animal free of its cage. Why is this important? Well, it may not be important…not to you…
But, I have found myself in a bit of a tight spot.
I cannot access my void. Much as I have tried to enter back into that space where I am fully concentrated, the dark thorns have blocked my passage to the place where Ba’al sits. As the red wolf I rip at them with my teeth, but where one finally breaks, three more vines covered in thorns begin to take it’s place…and I make no progress. I have even called on my Lighter self to help me in this battle, called the angel wolf Miarene to aid me in this darker place where she has never padded to try and make a dent in this foreboding, tangled, mess…but nothing. so now I ask you: “What does this mean?”
Even when having gone away from my Path and studies for while, this has never really happened to me. Sure I have been shut out for weeks at a time, but never so many months! I have no contact with my guardian, barely a feeling of their presence near me, and, I wonder how I might turn this around? what can I do to push through? What can I do to aid me and get past this mental-thing (if you could call it mental). I’ve been trying to find answers, but thus far I have gotten nothing.
Because I have not been able to enter my void, I started buying books to stimulate my mind, get me back into the swing of my religious studies and such. The strange thing is, some of these are magical books, and it seems I have the ability to tell when something holds true power over something that does not. While reading a book the other day talking about runes and spells, I felt the top part of my hand burning. It was hot from the knuckles up, the heat was radiating and flickering about my hand as if it were a flame. I pick up a different book on spells (which was obviously more of a joke) and felt nothing, and then a different book of spells from that and my hand was burning again in the same manner.
I have never noticed this before and wonder when this new thing awoke in me and why I have it in the first place. have been wondering a lot of things lately, and I wonder most hen all the pieces will come together to show me something…whether it be a new Path or something else. But this is all just rambling really…something I just needed to put out there for whatever reason.

This blog has not been used for awhile…I guess I have been waiting for the best time in order to post. I like my things to have more ‘substance’ to them I suppose. I like them to have more meaning than just the basic update saying: “Hey I did this thing…so yeah…that’s all I got.”

Anyways, I’m pretty sure that I mentioned my move to Texas.
My whole life has changed in that I did not return to my home-state. Rather, I met someone and moved to Texas to begin a new life there. I got a job at a movie-theater, and while I may not get very many hours, I’m happy. I am happy with how things have been going. I live in a place where I am comfortable and mostly stress-free. My partner and I never bicker, we share a bunch of the same interests, and it’s nice here. She understands that spiritually her and I are different…but unlike the people I have been with before, she is interested in learning about the way in which I view the world, my practices, and she ‘understands’ rather than just ‘accepting’ the way that I am. It’s nice.

But enough about that…

I have gotten a little hefty since leaving Germany. a lot of it is laziness, but another factor of this has been my eating full meals. In Germany I was lucky enough to have 2 meals a day, and now I eat a full 3 a day and my body has been storing a lot of fat. So, I have started exercising again. But, rather than just focusing on cardio, I actually want to look into weight lifting. My partner says that working out my pecs will help in lifting my breasts (they are way too large and cause issues for my backs. They get stretch marks because they sag and get pulled eveyr which way when I’m not wearing a bra). But yeah…sorry if that was TMI, but, weightlifting is also to help me build power in my arms and help me work out my abs.

My stretch marks have gotten out of control, it’s making me self-conscious, so, it’s time I do something about it rather than sit and feel bad about myself and my body. I was going to do Yoga, but, because I’m looking to lose a lot of weight, I was recommended to do Pilates instead. I did Pilates back in high-school. It was not too strenuous, and I know that it works…so I got myself a kit, and I will be working out with that tomorrow. I also got trimmers for my arms, thighs, and belly. Basically they are just bands that help me cut down on my water weight super quick. I will wear the bands to work and such when I can’t exercise as hard as I would on my day off.
for something more fun, my partner and I bought softball gloves, and I get to teach her how to properly throw and catch a softball (which I think will be really fun). I dunno how this will go, dunno when I’m going to see results. To aid in my diet, my partner bought me a book for women body-builders, and we are going to work together to eat better. She needs to build muscle and tone herself…I need to slim down and tone, so, hopefully we find something that fits both of our needs.

Speaking of books I want to take up reading again…

One day I decided that I need to stimulate my mind more. I used part of my paycheck to pick up some books on Amazon. Bought myself the “Satanic Bible”, the “Necronomicon” (re-buying this and it’s more for giggles and my love of HP Lovecraft), and then I bought “120 Days of Sodom”.
I remember that “120 Days of Sodom” was recommended to me by Mortose. She was one of the darkest people I have ever met…she is the embodiment of cold and evil and she found the book interesting and somewhat “enlightening”. While her and I were like night and day to each other, I learned a lot for her, and to this day, I am very sad that we lost touch. She never judged me on my views, never wagged a finger for me being more Light or Dark, but rather, she understood I had my ways and only tried to open my eyes to new things. In fact, she is one of the few people I know whom I can say actually held “true power” when it came to “The Force”. Still, while I could never be her apprentice, the things she said still stick to me, the lessons she tried to teach me still swirl in my head from time-to-time, and now, reading this book, maybe I too will find something worth blogging about and adding to my many writings as something of a lesson.

The Satanic Bible is more for my religious studies. I have read it once before, but, that was a PDF and I really hate reading things on my computer screen. It’s much more satisfying to have a book in my hand and to be flipping pages.

So lastly…going to lessons, I have started on Meditation 101 at IJRS.
I’m still trying to do courses, and while they are going very slowly, I am doing them nonetheless. While I had already started on Spirituality, that requires me to watch the Star Wars movies, and I not only have lost interest (for now), I won’t be watching the movies again until closer to the release of the new movie coming out this year. Also, meditation is something I already practice. So it makes more sense.

My meditation techniques have become ‘rusty’ to say the least.
Changes in my life have changed my core, changed my ‘Void’. No longer do I enter the dark side of my void in dark robes and makeup…now when I enter, I enter in the form of a red wolf.

Baal Wolfmaker Wyndbain

This red wolf’s path is blocked by giant vines lined with thorns…and no matter how I might try to tear through them, where one breaks, three more vines take over. the wolf itself is myself as “EshBa’al” thus the horns, and the chains around her connect in her chest where her heart is. The black spots on the wolf are my flaws and imperfections that I wear proudly, the scars are from obstacles I had to overcome in my spiritual journey. The white pattern on the face is a skull, representation of worship of the creature which is bound to my soul…my spirit-guardian Ba’al.

This change in form comes as I have finally become open about being a Furry. It was something I hid while I was with Taz because she thought it was ‘weird’ and yet, she, like so many others placed the Furry Fandom as something more ‘perverted’. She thought that furries were freaks that dressed in animal suits to commit sexual acts and that’s not how it is. But, she was never one to try and understand and once she had an idea of something, it just stuck.

But, with this new relationship, I am now able to break free. I am able to be myself…and I can finally free the beast inside…so my void reflects that and shows what I consider my true dark-side form.

But, as I mentioned, I have been blocked by my void, so, I’m hoping what I learn in Meditation 101 can help me overcome this. I blame it on a lack of concentration, I also don’t have my beads which aided me so often before (I think they got lost in my household goods somewhere).

I already finished the intro and will be doing at least the next part some time this week. Hopefully the instructor checks their page often enough that I can know when to move on with the next lesson.

But, that’s all the updates I have for now…
Hopefully I will have more to write about soon.

What did this meditation mean?

Posted: February 28, 2015 in Meditation, Updates

Recently I decided to ask for guided meditations which would help me better communicate my questions via The Force…I wanted to see if I could grasp some answers from the Universe and because I have been ill and rather distracted due to other things, I thought that a guided meditation would suit me better (for the moment) until I am at my 100% again.

Well, the Jedi-Church group provided me then with a “Body Scan” meditation which was supposed to help me with these issues I suppose. I started playing the file, and I cannot describe to you what happened.

Rather than heading to my void as I normally do, I was lost in a great black space. I found myself just floating in this empty area, I really felt nothing, and when I could feel my body again…I was spinning. But not like a bottle spinning on the floor, no. I was spinning as if I was a hatchet that had just been thrown across the room…I found myself crashing over and over through oozing walls of something, and the only word my brain could come up with was “membrane”. So, after crashing through this Membrane over and over again…there came a moment where I could finally feel myself floating again, only this time, I found that the great black space was now full of water, and I was gently floating on its surface.

I followed the steps, but instead of breathing light, I found myself breathing out fire and smoke…little embers came forth from my nostrils and sizzled as they hit the water. The room had grown lighter now to a cream color as I started to feel a pain in my feet like I had never felt before. Suddenly there were roots wrapping themselves over my toes…not vines, but actual tree roots that were growing bigger by the second, locking me into place. They were not only pinching my feet, but felt like they were melding with them and trying to become one. I tried to hold out as long as I could, to stay in this place to figure out what was going on…but, I feel like my mind’s defense mechanism kicked in and I got whisked away somewhere else. My mind got distracted, and in the end, I had to stop the meditation a mere 15 minutes in (even though it already felt like it had been an eternity).

I plan on trying this meditation again to see what happens…but I’m wondering what this experience means (if anything). I have never had this happen to me during a meditation before.



In other news…considering that I have finally finished Creed 101 at IJRS and have started working on other classes elsewhere, I have decided that once I have finished the final tidbits of resource assignments that it might be wise to start thinking about doing the Sith Trials at OotS (Order of the Sith). Since I have no Master and have basically claimed the Darth title on many other sites, I feel that I would do good with the brush-up, and the formal trials might be a way to progress myself even further down the Dark Side Path.
Already I have started working on a Holocron which I will be posting on OotS and a Separate wordpress account and I just feel that it is time that I stop being the wandering observer and take some sort of action to be something greater than what I already think that I am.

With that being said, I want to also take next week to start working towards my courses in TOTJO. I have put this off for years because it takes so much time and dedication and I still question the community there and how they teach things. Either way, I signed up there and feel like I should do what I set out to do and continue working towards Jedi-Knighthood whether I consider myself more Sithian or not.

But that’s all I have going on right now. I’m still in Germany and will be back in the USA by the end of April (if that little tidbit was of importance to anyone).


The Storm

Posted: August 15, 2014 in Asking Advice?, Meditation

Last week there were a lot of storms raging about…lightning that would flash every 20 seconds or so, and I took it as a reflection of my inner turmoil. There have been many things on my mind, and, I have found that when a storm brews within me, then the elements around me seem to react. This is not unusual for it has happened ever since I was very young…but, fearing the lightning and the thunder as I always have, I took to my bed and tried to find that meadow where I can see ‘him’. I tried to get to my safe haven.

Where the meditation usually drops me on some higher stepping stones in which I must climb down to in order to reach a slender path, I found my body floating in the river. The same river where I once fought the meditation instructions and, rather than focusing on the sun, I had jumped into the water for some cool relief, feeling the water about me. But this time, in this new, darkened meadow and forest of thorns, I floated about the water on my back, listening to the sound of thunder as a storm rolled in closer and closer. The water lapped about my ears and soon there were small raindrops falling on my face. But this feeling of being weightless, surrounded by water was relaxing, soothing…and it eased my fear of this storm, it gave me time to analyze things and really try and get behind why I was feeling the way that I was.

I tried taking everything as a symbol, or  a sign. Here I was floating about the water in my more Sithian form. The dark robes weighing me down, a reflection of my life…of the things constantly trying to drag me under and yet somehow I always manage to stay afloat. There were the darkened skies…this was the feelings of confusion, of being lost, not knowing what will happen, not knowing where to go, the skies were thick with clouds of insecurities and questions that cannot be answered in this place or at this time. Then the thunder…the thunder was my reaction to these insecurities, the blind rage and panic that came with not knowing, of having a blindfold on, of not being able to have a plan because the future is ever-changing.

Then at last as I floated around, finally being able to see what was going on in this world due to what was happening in the reality I had left behind in my bed, lightning struck the water…and I began to sink.

The bolt struck me right in my heart…it was a reflection of love.

What is love? Someone asked me to describe this the other day and I knew that at the time, I was not up for the challenge, because, as he had mentioned, truly explaining love is impossible. Still, the lightning gave me a start…

Love is powerful and beautiful, but just as it is both of those things so can it be very destructive. But, it can also be used in a constructive manner even when it puts someone in a negative situation. Still, as I sunk into the depths below, watching the air escape past my lips and float to the surface, love came to my in another way…through memories. Windows appeared in this underwater graveyard, windows peering into a different reality, into the past, into dreams…all of them showing me what love means to me.

Love is talking to a stranger for 8 hours each day, losing track of the time, and your face hurting because you were smiling so much and did not even know it. Love is losing your insecurities to someone you know wil never look down on you for anything you do, for the way you look, for the way you act, they only want you as you are and nothing else.
Love is traveling to a thrift shop in the middle of the day and laughing as the other person sits on an old-butt massager just because she can. Love is traveling to a bridge in the middle of winter, trying to be romantic, but turning back because it is too cold and laughing because it was still a beautiful moment anyways.

Love is driving through high winds and rain for two hours, just because the other person is sad and needs someone to lay next you…even if you dont have the money, you just drive as fast as you possibly can because you know that you need to be by her side. Love is traveling to another Country even when nothing is being promised to you just because you know you cannot live another second without being able to see that smile.
Love is when you count down the days to that next hug, that next kiss, that mext adventure….whether it be traveling, can-hunting, or just sitting inside and watching movies. Love is knowing that you would not take all the money or power in the entire universe in exchange for one of those very small but very precious moments because they are priceless. Those are just a few things that love are…and the thing is, as I sunk deeper, I could have listed more, and more, and more.

Eventually there came a point where I must have hit the bottom of the lake, but it seems like time had stopped. I could no longer hear the storm, the rain, or even see the lightning…all had gone dark. When at last I came to, I was still in the forest, only this time, I was in the clearing with ‘him’ in his skeletal form, with a fire burning to keep me warm, my clothes soaked to the bone, and it brought me to the second reason of why I had come here.

Long as my guardian has been with me ans had made himself known (which is almost going on 2 years now, maybe longer) I have wondered who he is (really) and it what way him and I are connected. The thing is, this guardian feels like he is not an observer, not just a visitor but is something linked to my soul. He does not speak in words but in images, and even though he is a stranger, it always feels like I know him…on a personal level and even on an intimate level.

There have been a few visits to this meadow where I will admit to instances of intimacy with this spirit, this being. From him I can feel a power both light and dark, something endless and eternal…and these instances only happen when I allow them, though he proposes them often, I decline him because I need to know who he is and what he wants, but he never tells me.

Though…he has started answering to the name Ba’al. So that is a start? Either way, he stayed silent as I asked my questions, got frustrated and  yelled at him, and when I turned him down for an ‘instance’ he shunned me back to my bed and I was closed out for the rest of the night.

I remember that every time I used to go to see my guardian (after my initial discovery of him via some simple meditations), we would always meet in a secret place. A part of the forest surrounded by life. It was always the same, a warm place…the part of the Fall Season where you start to wear long sleeves but it is not cold, the leaves are changing colors and begin to fall off of the trees.

Getting to him was a small walk down a path of large rocks. Listening to each footstep as it hit the ground, I would then always stop at the base of this path (as it went down a hill) to admire the small stream of water that was running, trickling to the lefthand side of this path and added for some very sweet tasting and fresh air…after admiring the water, I would then come to a curtain of willow vines, pushing them aside, and be on a small isle. It was surrounded by the stream/creek, the grass was soft. My Guardian would sit with a small fire crackling. He would never greet me, would never speak until I had sit down across from him.

I remember that it was always sunny or sunset but, never dark…several flowers bloomed here. This place was where I felt the most at peace.

Why bring this up?

Because recently, I decided that it was time to ask for his help…to seek him out for something other than my “Jedi” issues (usually discussing things like peace, patience, and understanding)…and what I found was a nightmare.

Entering that ‘state’ where I would find him…I found this forest in pure darkness. It was night, the moon was high, it lit my way…the stars were shining…but while this should have seen beautiful to me, it was unfamiliar, and, I started to get scared. As I walked down the path, I noticed that all the trees that were usually still lush with different colored leaves were dead…skeletal because they were so bare. Their trunks had been taken over by black vines sporting large thorns. Even the willow curtain was gone, and I had to push my way through thick roots just to see my guardian…and when I saw him, I froze in pure terror.

While normally my Guardian is a native-american man with a water buffalo head, this time, the head that was usually very much alive was very much not…a bleached buffalo skull with empty eye sockets gazed back at me, the teeth clacking in impatience as I stood there, unable to take my normal place across from him. A fire of purple flames blazed…and finally my guardian spoke to me.

He started making note of the recent choices in my life…how he had stepped aside to let me do as I please because I had not been in any position for him to step in and hold my hand. As a creature that is about balance (as a friend had pointed out to me), he existed in the both worlds and did not question my journey to the Dark Side, but rather, he congratulated me on it and encouraged this mission.

It was then that he brought up my recent decision to ‘take’ the Darth title for myself in Sithism and to start my own Temple. He knows that I am still learning, but, he pointed out by my frigid position that even as a Darth there is much fear in my heart and that I had much to learn. I merely told him I was shocked…I had never seen this side of him (meaning the skeletal being) to which he replied: “But you should have known because you said it yourself several times: there are two sides to everything.”

Then he went into something of a spiel…the nature that is considered Dark is often considered evil merely because it is misunderstood. While darkness can contain evil (which were like the thorns that had taken over the trees outside), most of the time, the fear of the Darkness comes merely from the fear of something that is unfamiliar, unknown, and therefore spawns fear and can occasionally then spawn things such as hate and assumptions leading to something being labelled as evil.

His words were wise…as a child I had often avoided many things, many opportunities for adventure or to explore merely because I was scared of what might be in there. The darkness used to produce images of demons, witches (before I understood what witches were), murderers, and other things that were force fed to me via urban legends and news from the media…still, now as an adult, I thought I had moved past that stage, past that stigma, and now I was feeling ashamed because I guess not.

My guardian then told me that he was going to show me something…but first, he had to ask: “Are you ready for the title in which you have taken? Is your power really sufficient to earn you this name? Why seek a dark name if you are not ready?”

To which I defended myself. I was ready, I had been ready…even with fear I was ready. Sure, I was still learning but it only proved the point that I had not become stagnant. I was still opening my minds to new powers, new things in which to make me great…to make my Temple of Atlas great, to help me rule my teachings, my followers, and etc…to command them as an Empress.

Then, he jumped me!!!

When I am having these visions, I see them as clear as a TV show, like watching a soap opera or so. When things like this get too scary or drain me too much, then my vision goes back to black (looking at the inside of your eyelids) and all I can hear is the noise. I do not know how to describe this point…my guardian, he pinned me and commanded I show him my power. I had not been prepared for this and I pulled at all my energies faster than I had ever pulled at them before. I almost started to cry because it was just…draining…terrifying. I was pushing so much energy that the soles of my feet begin to burn. I had been under the covers because I was cold, but now my body was so hot that my cheeks felt swollen and I was sweating. Even when my vision went back to the black…I could still see him, still see his outline in reds and purples within my vision, on top of me, pinning me down. I was almost too scared to open my eyes because no longer was his voice something that I merely heard in my mind but it was if he was sitting right there and whispering into my ear as I lay there with the lights off and my eyes closed.

I struggled against him for three minutes, using every bit of power I could muster, throwing up my shields trying to push him off…and then I just…stopped. I realized…he cant hurt me…

He came to me because we matched. He came to me because he wanted to help me. He came to me because in his plane we had become connected, we were one. That’s why every bit of energy I was using to get him off was not doing anything and it was only draining me more because I was ‘draining him’. Finally I mustered a thought, I single thought that made me grin: “I do not have to prove myself to you…I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.”

It was a moment of “You cannot define me, only I can define me.” to which my Guardian then relaxed and finally let go of me, walking back to his spot as the black faded…I could see the forest again, and he motioned me to come towards him. Walking nearer to him, I spotted a mirror. The mirror was not odd as it was always to the left of his being whenever I had met him before…but I guess, I had never bothered looking into said mirror, I just was not curious. My guardian told me that before looking into the mirror that I had come to him for something…that I was searching for a name. A name of power, a name representing my being, a true name.

He said that he could not outright give me my name…he could not reveal it as it was something he did not fully know himself. But, he said he could help me by showing me some signs of where I might go looking first. Usually when I look for answers to questions, my guardian opens his mouth and I stare inside the dark void which then shows me what I need to see. This time, it was the same…the bones cracked as they pulled themselves apart, and stared into the back of his throat which a void of darkness. Images started flashing before me…at first I saw eyes, yellow eyes, actually…eyes the color of old amber.

Then what I thought was metal. The color was like oil…it was sleek, black, but when turned it showed the rainbow of colors like oil in a water puddle does. Then I realized it was not any metal…but a helm. I knight’s helm that was being licked by a red flame.

When I finally the images ended and I pulled away, I went to look into the mirror. There, in that mirror…I saw a reflection: my guardian’s reflection was that of his normal form. In the mirror it was daytime, flowers were in bloom, and he looked like he always had…then, I saw myself, in my Padawan robes, hair braided, glasses off, lightsaber strapped to my side, and leather boots tied.

…but how did I look now? I went to look down at my hands…I got a hint of black metal and flame dancing across the surface: Was I that fiery knight? Then he sent me away, with a swipe of his hand, my guardian pulled me from his world, and I jerked out of my meditative and relaxing state. My chest hurt after that…and I could not sleep.

But what did it all mean? What is my name?

Brushing the Dark

Posted: March 27, 2014 in Meditation


Brushing the Dark: A Meditation
Lord Larken

What is Light and what is Darkness?

These are typical questions posed by Force Users, and they ask this because they want to know where you stand on the spectrum, how you fit with their ideologies. They want to mold you, and, in order to do this, they need to know who and what you are, and your beliefs in these two things so that they can shape you into something new.
…but here’s the thing: do they even know what the Light and Darkness is?
You see, today I was thrust into a tunnel of darkness. Having sunk to the bottom of a cold pond and gotten stuck in the black mud which was the bottom, I found myself pulled into this foreboding tunnel. Instantly I felt the hairs on my arms raise. I knew that physically, I was not really in this place…but, I was still feeling fear. I was truly afraid.
Unlike most tunnels in which you know has an ending…this one kept going. It was straight, and yet, there was no light at the end of it, no change in shape which would hint that there was ever an opening. It was cold…so cold. Cold enough that it did not even make me shiver as much as it made me grind my teeth because I was feeling pain.
Yes, it was a pain like needles being stuck into the joints in my fingers, being jabbed straight into my knuckles, and even though I wanted to turn back, I couldn’t. I could not even try.
While at first it felt as though I was moving forward on my own accord, I was slowly starting to realize that this was not the case. Something was dragging me, pulling me along as if my clothes had hooks through them and I was on a conveyor line, like beef to the slaughter. But even though I was afraid, my heart was not pounding in my chest. I was still breathing slowly…my own energy had gone silent, and my heart was beating (from what it seemed) barely at all. Either way…the further I went down this line, my feet continued to move, but movement itself became harder. Suddenly it was like my own feet were stuck in something like thick mud or molasses.

The force kept pulling me forward, and something was trying to slow this journey or possibly stop it… but, whatever held me was much too strong.
The tunnel had no definition at first. Maybe it was old, maybe it was rusty…I would not have been able to say. But, between the blasts of cold, the gripping fear, and the painful spikes to the knuckles, I finally reached out with my hands. I was trying to grab something, anything! I needed to see, needed to feel something other than this tugging which was dragging me down this endless path…and then I felt it. Something cold and something smooth like steel…though it had no color. Nothing in this place had color. Not even me…I had no color. Because I could see nothing…I…saw…nothing. But I felt everything.
Stranger still was this feeling which reminded me of steel. Because, while smooth at first, it back to pull apart. To move and spin, and it took awhile, as my fingers bounced over it (through my gliding motion because ,y feet had stopped moving I suppose). I was feeling not one tunnel…but multiple tunnels. Tunnels that hummed and thrummed with an energy that was passing through it. Finally I was hearing noises, and I could hear how they wound and shot off in many different directions. These energies were on a set path…but they were wound like the roots of a tree. They had to be. To which I then assumed that these things were essences. Different parts of one thing…that one thing being the source, being the person I was meditating with and reaching out to.
After this, it seemed like I finally came to a halt…came to a complete stop. I was stuck. While all these different tubes could be heard running off in different directions, there was no direct way to the source. To that place where I needed to be. So, how was I going to get there?
I was told many different ways of doing this…this was my meditation, my vision and thus I could do what I pleased. I could just ‘be’ there at the source if I so chose. But, all my attempts left me stuck. I would either float or I would fall…my conscious applying too many things to an experience that was supposed to be so…open and uninhibited.
I could not tell you what I did…I still do not even know myself. I pretended as if the tubes were mere vines that I could push away. Like it was a curtain of beads to a doorway. Whatever it was, it worked…but where I found myself was scarier still than the journey.
I was in a room…a room of color. But, it could not really be a color because I cannot name what color it truly was. It is nothing that is on the spectrum of the things we know, it wasn’t black, and it wasn’t white, and you could not see corners, nor ceilings or a floor. Where I stood…I just ‘was’. I was just ‘there’. Not floating, not falling, not even standing or sitting. I was ‘being’.
There were no shapes here…no sounds, nothing that I could even truly pick up. And yet, there had to be noises because something was so piercing in my mind that my head began to throb. Something was so powerful that my chest began to ache as if someone was giving me several severe jabs to the ribs with a blunt object. There had to be something here because I was feeling something…feeling everything…but in this space of nothingness.

It was here…in this moment, that I realized something:
My abilities, my beliefs, and my philosophies have always been in terms of The Force…as a religion and as a lifestyle. My views on the world has always come from these beliefs and how they function, how they define themselves, and etc. But, in defining the Light and Dark in terms of a religion, and in defining Light and Darkness in terms of something that does not even encompass all of life and living…I have now figured out that I, like so many other, have never seen true Light nor Darkness and cannot even begin to understand them or truly know what they mean.
It’s weird…but this knowledge does not insult me. It enlightens me. It excites me to know that there are universe out there still to explore. New paths to look at, new things to meditate upon, new powers to acquire. This knowledge has not hindered my ability to learn, it has not pushed me back, but, it has given me a shove forward.
Still…now having had a taste of what Darkness is…I now know what people are saying when they take to me as someone of the Light. Because, having had this taste of Darkness, I know that this is not where I meant to be. It is not something I want to embrace, to try and become a part of. So yes…in terms of The Force, I am still Grey. But, in terms of life…I am Light.
Selfishness, Greed…these are not things in the Darkness. This alone does not make you dark. Hunger and Passion alone does not make you Dark because the Dark has no need of any of this. The darkness in itself is everything and nothing, and it cares not for petty human nature or traits.
I look forward to looking into this more on a much deeper level.