Archive for the ‘Updates’ Category

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I know it has been a minute since my last update. I was going to write after I had officially been on the program for a full week…but, in the end, since I had an appointment today, I decided to wait until then to actually post and let people know what has been going on. I’m going to categorize things…kinda separate different things that have popped up. I have been on this program now for 2 weeks…and here is what I have been experiencing since I last wrote in this blog.

  • New side-effects of the pill:

—On top of the dry mouth from hell, I have found out that there are a lot more side-effects to the pill I am taking. Nothing major…just small things that can get on your nerves from time-to-time. I found myself suffering from massive headaches and could not figure out why. At first, I thought it might be my sugar getting low, and then I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawal. But, in the end, it turns out that an actual side-effect to the pill itself is headaches. For now, the headaches have gone down a lot…and it honestly is better when I drink a diet soda (I’m allowed 2-a-day on this diet but only drink 1) // so, it’s not really anything I have had to worry about. But, for a span of about 3 days…it was awful.

Another side-effect of the pill is constipation. This might be TMI…but, I have never been a “regular” person. Ever. Not even as a kid. If I go poop…once every 2 days is normal for me. Three is a little bit stranger…but, once it reaches 4-5 days without anything, I know that I’m constipated. So far…I have been going once only every 4-5 days…and the stool itself is hard and painful. So, I’m going to have to get stool softeners. It’s strange because, I eat a lo of vegetables and drink a lot of water so, to me, I should be going more…but I’m not. Stranger still is that usually when I’m constipated, I feel bloated and full of gas. I am noticing no pain at all outside from the stool itself…my stomach feels fine, I never feel bloated. But, it’s still weird to me when one of the best days I can have is the day when my body finally decides that I need to poop. >.>;;

So, these are the side-effects I skimmed over when first reading about the pill. Like I said, nothing major. It has not really harmed me in any way, and even the dry mouth is not as bad as it was. My only concern is that, like I said before…I’m growing more used to the pill and I’m hungry more often. I still only eat my 3 meals a day (2 of those meals are substitutes) and I never snack. So, I have actually been able to keep that under control.

  • Cardio:

—One of the biggest things that the ladies stressed with me about this diet was doing 30-minutes of cardio a day. Cardio is my weakness. I can’t doing jumping jacks or jump-rope because of my breasts. Running kills me and there is no good place for me to run where I live. Do I still do it? Yes…I do cardio every day. Do I do 30 minutes of it? Nowhere near. I would love to go speed walking or even bike riding…but those aren’t generally an option. Between the constant shitty weather and the fact that I have no room for a bike, it’s impossible. So, I jump rope…and I suck at it.

People have been telling me: “Go to a Gym, hop on a Treadmill”. I would love to. But, my wife is my ride and I have no Gym to go to that I can afford. So…while that is a very lovely option…just trust me when I say that it’s not possible.

While I may not do 30 minutes of cardio…I do exercise for 30-minutes or longer each day. I do around 60+ crunches, I lift weights, I plank, I do other exercises, sit-ups, assisted push-ups, and whatever else I can think of. I make sure I’m sweating, that I’m tired, and that I’m sore. I do not work every day as hard as I should…and I’m ashamed of that, but, I’m getting better at it. I’m still trying to get the hang of things.

  • Possibly going to try new supplements within diet:

—Here recently on FB a friend of my wife’s has been trying Herbalife for meal supplements. She has lost weight really fast while on this program and said it was safe to try with the Lipo-den. Right now, the best meal supplements I have are my slim-fast shakes. While those hold me over, they are still not really within the regulations of my diet…and so, I’m looking for something better. I might actually give Herbalife a shot…but, I’m still not sure. That’s just more money that I really don’t want I or my wife to spend.

  • Struggling with carbs:

—One of the biggest thing I struggle with when it comes to this diet is counting my carbs. I’m lazy and don’t like reading nutrition labels and etc. I thought that I was fine just following the approved foods list. But, this is not the case. Turns out that my 2-slim fast shakes a day goes 1 gram over what I’m allotted for carb intake. I am only allowed 35 grams of carbs per day as well as 30 grams of fat. I never go over my fat limit… but in carbs I am still taking in anywhere between 60-81 a day. So, I really need to sit down and figure out a better dinner for myself as going one gram over is fine…

  • 2-week appointment:

—I finally had my 2 week appointment…and, in my clothes and still wearing my shoes, I am down to 220! That’s 5 pounds lost in 2 weeks! I actually do not think that is bad at all…and even my wife says that she has been seeing results! So, if I can control the carbs and such, I feel like I can only do better next time around!

I also got another injection today, and I’m supposed to get one every 2 weeks until I have reached 2-months worth of shots. They do it every 2 weeks to keep the chemicals flowing through your system. The only problem with this, is that I am leaving for California here soon…and I can not make a mid-month appointment…or any appointments for that month at all. So, my next injection is not until July…and I worry that this will seriously affect my diet and keep me from seeing results. I’m not even sure what all the injection does other than help control sugar cravings and give me a boost of energy (as well as flushing all the bad stuff out of my liver).

Not to mention I will have to refill my pills while I am in Cali as well. It was poor planning as well as not really knowing how the program worked…which is essentially my fault. At this pace…if I can lose 5 pounds every 2 weeks…Then in 2-months I should be down to 200 pounds, and then in another 2-months, I will reach my goal of 180. Then, I will just stay on the pills from then-on (for awhile) until I can maintain my weight. Or, if my wife agrees…I might stay on the program until I can reach 150. But…small goal first is 180 and then we will see where I feel like going from there.

Some people lost more weight than I did…and I admit that in some areas I am slacking. But, all-in-all, I’m very happy with the results I have gotten and what little results I have seen.

 

So…in conclusion to all this…there might not be another update for awhile. Since I will be gone the whole month of June, I doubt I will have any time to post again until some time in July. Thank you all for being patient with me, supporting me, and offering me advice. Also…for those that had questions about the program, I’m always happy to answer those questions.
Big questions I seemed to get last blog post concerned calorie counting. I do NOT count calories. The sheet they gave me said nothing about calories, so, I do not even worry about it. The only thing that the paper is concerned about is the carb limit, the fat limit, and staying away from as many sugars and non-approved foods as possible. This is mostly breads and starches…all things that any diet would tell you to stay away from anyways. Also…another person asked if I’m starving myself. NO. I am in no way starving. With the pills gone, I get hungry more often than I did first starting the pill…but I manage that with drinking lots of water. I still eat 3 meals and have gone back to eating regular portions (since at first I was eating half that) // but I do not snack and never go back for seconds on a plate. I have my wife make up my plate so that I’m not throwing more on my plate than what I need. ALSO…if I’m full, I notice a lot quicker and never force myself to eat more like I used to. So, I’d say the program has been working really well.

 

Thanks again for tuning in…and, I will see you all in the next one 😉

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While it has been awhile, we can all agree that the one thing I tend to talk about the most is when asking about advice and/or making plans to lose some weight. I can not say I have always “struggled” with me weight…because, that’s not the case. Back in 2011 I was the heaviest had ever been (at that point) at 190. I freaked out…
My partner at the time was also getting heavier, and not too long after I started trying to eat healthier and do more to lose weight she decided to go military…so, by 2012, I was working out at the Gym 5 days out of the week. I lost some weight during this time…I managed to get down to 170 which was pretty good (because my comfort zone is 180). But, once my ex left for Basic Training…I lost motivation, cancelled out my gym Membership (because she left me high and dry on bills that I now had to cover all on my own)—I started feeling heavy again.

Well, that changed when I took up playing Airsoft. I started running with a Veteran friend of mine 3 days a week…was jogging at work, and I saved up enough money to buy appetite suppressants and vitamins to keep me energized and keep me eating healthy. I cut out most soda, I stopped eating junk food and was eating healthier. I eventually got down to 150 pounds and had never felt sexier. I felt thin, I felt like I had all the energy in the world. I was doing pretty good. I felt like I was in a good place.

Fast forward to Germany…my whole life changes. I can no longer play Airsoft. I’m not comfortable with running around my neighborhood and anywhere for that matter. My diet is changing…and my work schedule has me exhausted…and I was not even doing the same job (the new position had me standing all day rather than walking). I started gaining weight again…but, with how much I was traveling and always walking to get from point A to point B, I never got above 180…which again, is where I’m actually pretty comfortable.

Life spins me around some more…I finally stop hanging around my abusive ex, I move on with my life. I’m happy with someone who finally…gets me. She never tells me I’m fat or that I should be thin enough to wear a bikini. She LOVES big girls, and enjoys all my curves. I’m comfortable. I’m living in Texas, all my bills are paid…I’m well fed, I’m spoiled. But, I get SUPER lazy. In being comfortable and happy, I gain so much weight that working out is near impossible. I tried diets…but the diets left me constantly starving, I was in pain. No amount of shakes or water to fill my gut could kill the cravings. pills to give me more energy so that I could cut out soda did not help anymore…Exercises were either too much to where I wrecked my body and could not move for 3 days – or, they were too little and I was not seeing results. Diets would have me losing 2 pounds just to gain it back in a matter of days when I was allowed my “cheats”, and the other diets that were guaranteed to work were making me bulky…and I was not losing any fat.

So here we are today where I am at my highest which is 225.
I’m miserable. I’m not one to go to extremes…but, it finally dawned on me last week that, the simplest tasks wind me. When I used to climb the stairs to my apartment, I was fine. Now, I’m struggling to get up that last step, I’m out of breath, and the first thing I do once I am inside is sit on the futon to recover. I cannot carry all the groceries I used to up the stairs without really hurting myself. Even kicking off blankets leaves me feeling tired…it’s unnatural. I’m extremely unhealthy. Everything leaves me out of breath…and not only has it become a physical health issue…but, a mental health issue too. I find myself being more depressed. My libido is still extremely active, but, with how I feel about myself…my wife does not ever feel in the mood. And, I don’t blame her. If I don’t feel sexy…then what’s the point? My image of myself I think is disgusting…it’s not me. Then I hear people looking at my old photos and saying: “You were so skinny! Omigosh you were so pretty!” and then I want to cry. My wife tells me every day that I’m beautiful…but I also know that the beauty she sees now is different from the beauty she sees in my other photos. I’m someone you can love and cherish…the old me, the me I want to be again…is that person you lust over because she is so hot. THAT is what I want back…
I want back that confidence…even that bit of ego that came with it. I knew I was smokin’ and could get anything I wanted with my looks. I want that power back…because I was happier then (with my weight).

So…knowing that my health was now at risk…I finally made the decision to do a Lipo-Den shot and weight loss package. The shot itself is a mixture of B-12 vitamins and other components to flush out fat from the liver, burn off fat, and to help with certain cravings. Then the appetite suppressant leaves me feeling fuller faster, and it keeps me from feelign hungry later. It comes with a diet that is like a modified Atkins Diet…not as strict as Atkins…but follows the same basis of high-protein, low-carb // not to mention I am now required to work out for AT LEAST 30 minutes every single day. It’s not going to be easy…but it has gotten results in soldiers that use it to pass weight and tape. Not to mention, this program is something I can keep doing for as long as I want with no negative effects to my body.

It seemed pretty drastic to some…
While a lot of people were rooting me on and asking me to keep them updated on if it worked, other people were not so sure about it and said that if I wanted to lose weight. I could just diet and workout without spending the money and get the same results. But…that’s not so true. When you’re my weight, suffering from all these problems…and you HAVE been working out, and you HAVE been dieting with little to no results…and your health is STILL getting worse…sometimes these things are necessary. It’s not about whether or not I’m still gorgeous—I am still pretty (to me and others) but, it’s my health that is important. Mentally and physically, it is my health that actually matters to me.

So…I got the injection today and will be picking up my prescription tonight.

I start everything tomorrow so, tonight it my last night to splurge.
I still have to get my blood-work in to them within 7 days before I can get my next injection and/or get my refill. So, there’s that. My next appointment is on the 26th of this month, and every week I plan on vlogging my progress. I will discuss any side-effects of the stuff I am taking…talk about my progress if there is one. Also talk about exercising and all that stuff.

My minimum goal is to get back down to 180…and my max goal is to get back down to 150. It’s the start of my new journey…and, I only hope it’s one that gets me to where I want to be. So, wish me luck I guess?

 

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Wow…it as been awhile, hasn’t it?
I thought that this blog would be full of constant posts about my progress as a Force-Realist, but in reality, there is not too much to report anymore. Don’t get me wrong…I could report any number of things that are not Force-Related as this is supposed to be “my challenge”…a blog about my life and how it has changed. But I guess, because of recent events (recent as of October last year), I have been holding out for that one big post about it all…once everything falls into place, I can let everyone know of the events that transpired and that changed me forever. But, for now, I just have another handful of updates for you.

So first…let me cover “Exercise”:

So…to put it simply: “I got fat”.
Some of it was pure laziness on my part, but then the other part was that while I was in Germany, I was not taking the best care of my body, and when I came back to the USA, it caught up with me. In Germany, I was only eating maybe 1-2 meals a day…and they had little to no substance to them. I would snack on Pizza for 3 days, and eat eggs and zucchini every day but even with that, depression, stress, and being sick all the time was making me lose weight. I did not want to ask my (now ex) lover for help because then she would usually scream at me, saying I was too expensive or that I could not take care of myself…and if her and I were dating at the time, she would then proceed to break up with me…and it was always just a hassle and mess that I did not want.

So now, as mentioned before, I am back in the USA…and with full meals again, eating 3-meals a day and then some…my body blew up like a balloon. My skin stretched…my belly got stretch marks, then my arms, armpits, breasts, legs, and even in my various other pelvic regions. These are things that I have never suffered before (well, except minor belly stretch marks from being an obese teenager). So, while my new life has been happy…and I am now well-taken-care of by an amazing woman that has healed me mentally and otherwise…well, the stretch marks and the weight has had me down. But, it was hard finding the time to fix the issue…between working and then keeping up a household for my partner, it all became too much. And I let myself go a little farther. Well, needless to say, here recently, I quit my job.

They sent me to the hospital because they would not let me go home when I could not breathe and was having severe chest pains.
And when I finally snapped at my partner because I was working every day (went 10 days without a single day off), she told me to quit…and she told me to focus on my career. But, that’s just the thing: “What do I want to do with my life?”

It’s never been as simple as saying I like this field and could be this-or-branch out into-that. Hm…instead, the best way to put it is that I’m good at a lot of things, enjoy a lot of things, and therefore could do a lot of things, and because my options are so open, it’s hindering. I went to college before, and it turned out that Psychology was not my thing, Human Services I disliked even more, and then my Music Therapy classes were going to cost more than what they were worth. Gen Ed was an option sure…but after 3 failed majors I was already $15,000 in debt and decided not to go back to school until I decided what I wanted to do…..

Trying to cut a long-story short, my partner finally did what she thought was best, asked me what all things I wanted to do, threw those options in a hat, and I picked “Police Academy”. This would be good for me because now I was on the path of getting fit…or was going to be. My partner (a soldier and also wanting to better herself), got us a Gym Membership and it was something we could do together. But, going to the Gym would not be enough. To start me off right, my partner got me some things from the GNC to aid me in my transformation.

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  1. The firming butter is for the stretch marks. I apply it every night after my shower and already I have seen an improvement.
  2.  Ultra Mega Green is your basic women’s multivitamin to take in order to boost multiple things like immune system, boost your energy and metabolism the natural way and to fight fat and etc. They generally recommend this at any GNC because if you take diet pills it will sap nutrients from your body. This multi-vitamin taken 2-times a day replenishes what the diet pills might strip you of.
  3. Satisfive is a powder added to water and is drank along with meals to keep cravings away. I am hypoglycemic and I get hungry often…even after eating. It’s terrible getting hungry right before bed because hunger turns into pain for me, and then I can’t sleep. But this power made with spinach and other things, turns to gel and wraps around whatever I am eating…causing it to digest just a little slower and makes me feel fuller for longer. So far it works. But I have only been drinking it once a day because it tastes pretty gross and doesn’t mix as well in water as it says. But, you can also mix it with juices, and I want to start doing that once I find the perfect juice that isnt full of sugar and actually has some nutritional benefit to it.
  4. The Performix SST Glow for women is my diet pill…has lypowheat in it, gives me an energy boost…and while more expensive, the glow-version has less caffiene as to not give me the severe jitters when taking it. It’s something very similar to what I took back when I was still living in Indianapolis. I know it works, and I trust it…but getting used to it can be hard. The key is to stay hydrated else you feel sick…but I hate water…so that part of it all has been difficult.

All-in-all I know people are going to tell me: “You don’t need that stuff to get fit…” but, everyone is different. Let me do things my way. As long as I am improving and I’m doing it in a way that is not harming me, there should be no problem. Still, I plan to chronicle my journey on here as I make changes in my life. I got the app S-fit on my phone and need to use it more often. Also, my Father got me a Garmin Vivo-fit-2 watch which syncs to said-app and keeps track of different things applying to fitness as well. So I need to do this. I need to get fit and healthy again.

 

Now I can talk about Sithism, YouTube…and Force-Realism in General:

There was a moment where I woke up on morning and I just felt “powerful”. I could not explain it…but I flt that rush of a Sith Lord again. It came after a meditation session in which I saw Ba’al again…in his masculine-demonic form. He roared at me as my “core” burst into flames. I felt alive again, drawn to The Force again. Somehow this lead me to go back to all the Sith Temples I had studied at…and upon seeing them inactive as per usual, I then found myself wandering back to the Sith Academy out of curiosity.

For awhile the Sith Academy had long gone astray from the power they used to hold and to have. They started making sub-religions, sub-cults in which they would hide behind different masks and act like different people. Most took it as role-playing and just grown men trying to make a quick buck…and it was true. They would recruit people into these different cults and act like they were all aligned with one another and that they had some sort of Army. But, at long last they came back around to Sithism, to Sith Academy and the vision of Darth Omega. They built upon their curriculum, made it more strict, tied it more to social media…actually published a book (if you could call it that). And I reached out to them for a free book to see if maybe they finally came around and were once again the power I knew them as.

They were not…
…they continued to disappoint, still seeming as a gimmick for wealth. Immortalized only in how others joked about them and laughed at what they were teaching. For them, Sithism is blindly following two leaders that have no way to attain the goals they set. And so, I decided that, as a Darth…it is my job to set an example. To get my own word out there. Thus, I made a new YouTube Channel under the name “Larken EshBa’al”

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This channel based only in Sithism is part of a larger project I call “Force Talk”. As someone who knows both sides of The Force (Light and Dark) and who has dabbled along with people claiming to be Je’daii, I made “Force Talk” to answer questions people might have about Force-Realism or Force-Religions/Lifestyles. But, the project was too big to handle on my own.

Force Talk was shut down not long after I started building it, because, even with a script written…as someone more associated with the Dark side of The Force, I just did not feel right tackling Jedi-Realism and other subjects i might not be as versed in.

So, Force-Talk has changed…and even now I’m trying to find a way for people to help. I want to make a channel where multiple people run it, where multiple people make videos and post about their views. Force-Realism whether it be for the Jedi or for the Sith, each side teaches the way in which The Force may be utilized completely different. Where IJRS is constantly changing and integrated some new technique from some new progressive book somewhere…TOTJO has a christian-Jedi model. Same as OotS holds a more open and passive way of Sithism and selfishness in comparison to the cult which is Sith Academy.

Not only that…but while I am more Sith than Jedi and I am indeed a Darth in my heart, my path is a personal one, and my religion is one I am building on my own and which is tied to the creature named Ba’al which is linked to my soul.

Therefore…in conclusion…

My mind has been here, there, and everywhere.

I feel that since 2016 is coming…and I’m soon to be changing a lot in my life (getting fit, getting married, changing a budget, possibly moving, and etc) that I should get back on this blog and really start chronicling the stuff that has changed and the stuff I have been improving on. I want to see myself get better…and that was the original purpose of this blog anyways.

Still…pictures of my eight will be coming. I am going to start keeping tabs on myself again, what I eat, how and when I work out, and etc. Hopefully see some serious changes soon.

Until the next blog.

I have not done martial arts in forever.
the last time I tried was when I signed up for 3 classes of Krav Maga, wanting to be stronger. I signed up for a more intense class because I remember Taekwondo being more about forms and defense. I wanted something offensive, something more fierce and more feared. At the time, I felt that something like Taekwondo only made people snicker. But, when I tried to do the Krav Maga classes, even though I was running, and even though I had been working out…it was too physically demanding. I had an asthma attack in the middle of my first class and was being outdone by my 70-year-old instructor. I was embarrassed at how out-of-shape I was—even though I was the healthiest I had been in years!

So…yesterday I was picking up pizza for dinner. My partner was tired and was thus sleeping at home, and while I was out, I noticed a dojo right beside the pizza place. I had this urge to go in, just to see what their prices might be. I knew it would be too expensive, but, something was nagging at me. I remember as a pre-teen that I liked Taekwondo. It made me sweat, I was self-conscious in the uniform, and the kids were a bit snobby in that class, but I liked it.

Every day I was learning something new, learning something that really pushed my limits. I guess somewhere deep down I remember feeling like I was actually GOOD at it in some way. But, while my Dad had signed us up for Taekwondo, what I did NOT realize was that he had signed us up for a cheap ‘trial’ period which would only get us so far. As we progressed, we would get black duct tape on our belts…showing how far away we were from taking the final test to get the next color up. A month or two was long enough to get a yellow belt, but, we never got to take that test. Even today I have a white belt with those three stripes, showing that I was ready to progress…but, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, my Dad would not let me take the test (he would have to buy me an extra month plus pay for the test), I never got my yellow belt, and I never got to do the one thing I always wanted to do the most which was break a board with my hand and/or foot.

Then…i kinda ended up yelling at my Dad in class for embarrassing me and I fought the instructor (literally), knocked him down, and got kicked out.

Either way…those things still haunt me, they still tug at me because I thought of this as an important part of my life. I was getting fat in my pre-teen years, and Taekwondo got me out of the house, got me off my butt, it was the first time (in a long time) that I had a chance to interact with other kids that did not immediately hate me or bully me. So, being pulled from that atmosphere really hurt.

Maybe that’s what drove me to walk inside and ask for the information.
Anyways, the dojo is very small, and I found myself looking at the prices and scoffing because it’s something I cannot afford on my paycheck. I go home with my pizza, papers still in hand, and I tell my partner about what I did, what I found out, and she says: “Good, you should sign up.” I tell her that I don’t have the money but she says,”no, but I do. You should do it now before we have to start tightening the belt on our expenses.” I must have made a face because she said: “Listen, it’s obvious you want to do it, else you would not have gone in there. I know you said that Taekwondo is physically demanding, but you seem like the type that would like that sort of challenge. So why not try it?”

It’s not like it’s that much of a commitment. It’s 30 mins a class 2x a week. I only work 15 hours a week as is and have every other day off. they offer a variety pf class times to fit my needs, so, it’s not like I could not make it. Not to mention it’s right down the road. But, what haunts me is that day at Krav Maga, running in a circle, doing jumping jacks, push-ups, and sit-ups. I just remember my lungs feeling like they were about to burst and I don’t want to be that person in the class that has to stop. The kicks I can do, punches, no problem. Forms? I got this… just as long as they don’t crush me, I should be okay. My other problem? I will mostly be in a class full of children…

Barely any adults do this, and the ones that do signed up for self-defense instead. I’m going to be in the midst of children whom have all the energy in the world and are of a higher degree than I am. So I really have to ask myself if I’m ready for this. But, tomorrow is the deadline for getting the price deal…and honestly, my partner is determined to see me do it. Not to mention that her and I need to get hobbies outside each other so maybe this could be for the best. I am just worried that’s all. It’s very easy for me to feel defeated.

Advice?

This blog has not been used for awhile…I guess I have been waiting for the best time in order to post. I like my things to have more ‘substance’ to them I suppose. I like them to have more meaning than just the basic update saying: “Hey I did this thing…so yeah…that’s all I got.”

Anyways, I’m pretty sure that I mentioned my move to Texas.
My whole life has changed in that I did not return to my home-state. Rather, I met someone and moved to Texas to begin a new life there. I got a job at a movie-theater, and while I may not get very many hours, I’m happy. I am happy with how things have been going. I live in a place where I am comfortable and mostly stress-free. My partner and I never bicker, we share a bunch of the same interests, and it’s nice here. She understands that spiritually her and I are different…but unlike the people I have been with before, she is interested in learning about the way in which I view the world, my practices, and she ‘understands’ rather than just ‘accepting’ the way that I am. It’s nice.

But enough about that…

I have gotten a little hefty since leaving Germany. a lot of it is laziness, but another factor of this has been my eating full meals. In Germany I was lucky enough to have 2 meals a day, and now I eat a full 3 a day and my body has been storing a lot of fat. So, I have started exercising again. But, rather than just focusing on cardio, I actually want to look into weight lifting. My partner says that working out my pecs will help in lifting my breasts (they are way too large and cause issues for my backs. They get stretch marks because they sag and get pulled eveyr which way when I’m not wearing a bra). But yeah…sorry if that was TMI, but, weightlifting is also to help me build power in my arms and help me work out my abs.

My stretch marks have gotten out of control, it’s making me self-conscious, so, it’s time I do something about it rather than sit and feel bad about myself and my body. I was going to do Yoga, but, because I’m looking to lose a lot of weight, I was recommended to do Pilates instead. I did Pilates back in high-school. It was not too strenuous, and I know that it works…so I got myself a kit, and I will be working out with that tomorrow. I also got trimmers for my arms, thighs, and belly. Basically they are just bands that help me cut down on my water weight super quick. I will wear the bands to work and such when I can’t exercise as hard as I would on my day off.
for something more fun, my partner and I bought softball gloves, and I get to teach her how to properly throw and catch a softball (which I think will be really fun). I dunno how this will go, dunno when I’m going to see results. To aid in my diet, my partner bought me a book for women body-builders, and we are going to work together to eat better. She needs to build muscle and tone herself…I need to slim down and tone, so, hopefully we find something that fits both of our needs.

Speaking of books I want to take up reading again…

One day I decided that I need to stimulate my mind more. I used part of my paycheck to pick up some books on Amazon. Bought myself the “Satanic Bible”, the “Necronomicon” (re-buying this and it’s more for giggles and my love of HP Lovecraft), and then I bought “120 Days of Sodom”.
I remember that “120 Days of Sodom” was recommended to me by Mortose. She was one of the darkest people I have ever met…she is the embodiment of cold and evil and she found the book interesting and somewhat “enlightening”. While her and I were like night and day to each other, I learned a lot for her, and to this day, I am very sad that we lost touch. She never judged me on my views, never wagged a finger for me being more Light or Dark, but rather, she understood I had my ways and only tried to open my eyes to new things. In fact, she is one of the few people I know whom I can say actually held “true power” when it came to “The Force”. Still, while I could never be her apprentice, the things she said still stick to me, the lessons she tried to teach me still swirl in my head from time-to-time, and now, reading this book, maybe I too will find something worth blogging about and adding to my many writings as something of a lesson.

The Satanic Bible is more for my religious studies. I have read it once before, but, that was a PDF and I really hate reading things on my computer screen. It’s much more satisfying to have a book in my hand and to be flipping pages.

So lastly…going to lessons, I have started on Meditation 101 at IJRS.
I’m still trying to do courses, and while they are going very slowly, I am doing them nonetheless. While I had already started on Spirituality, that requires me to watch the Star Wars movies, and I not only have lost interest (for now), I won’t be watching the movies again until closer to the release of the new movie coming out this year. Also, meditation is something I already practice. So it makes more sense.

My meditation techniques have become ‘rusty’ to say the least.
Changes in my life have changed my core, changed my ‘Void’. No longer do I enter the dark side of my void in dark robes and makeup…now when I enter, I enter in the form of a red wolf.

Baal Wolfmaker Wyndbain

This red wolf’s path is blocked by giant vines lined with thorns…and no matter how I might try to tear through them, where one breaks, three more vines take over. the wolf itself is myself as “EshBa’al” thus the horns, and the chains around her connect in her chest where her heart is. The black spots on the wolf are my flaws and imperfections that I wear proudly, the scars are from obstacles I had to overcome in my spiritual journey. The white pattern on the face is a skull, representation of worship of the creature which is bound to my soul…my spirit-guardian Ba’al.

This change in form comes as I have finally become open about being a Furry. It was something I hid while I was with Taz because she thought it was ‘weird’ and yet, she, like so many others placed the Furry Fandom as something more ‘perverted’. She thought that furries were freaks that dressed in animal suits to commit sexual acts and that’s not how it is. But, she was never one to try and understand and once she had an idea of something, it just stuck.

But, with this new relationship, I am now able to break free. I am able to be myself…and I can finally free the beast inside…so my void reflects that and shows what I consider my true dark-side form.

But, as I mentioned, I have been blocked by my void, so, I’m hoping what I learn in Meditation 101 can help me overcome this. I blame it on a lack of concentration, I also don’t have my beads which aided me so often before (I think they got lost in my household goods somewhere).

I already finished the intro and will be doing at least the next part some time this week. Hopefully the instructor checks their page often enough that I can know when to move on with the next lesson.

But, that’s all the updates I have for now…
Hopefully I will have more to write about soon.

What did this meditation mean?

Posted: February 28, 2015 in Meditation, Updates

Recently I decided to ask for guided meditations which would help me better communicate my questions via The Force…I wanted to see if I could grasp some answers from the Universe and because I have been ill and rather distracted due to other things, I thought that a guided meditation would suit me better (for the moment) until I am at my 100% again.

Well, the Jedi-Church group provided me then with a “Body Scan” meditation which was supposed to help me with these issues I suppose. I started playing the file, and I cannot describe to you what happened.

Rather than heading to my void as I normally do, I was lost in a great black space. I found myself just floating in this empty area, I really felt nothing, and when I could feel my body again…I was spinning. But not like a bottle spinning on the floor, no. I was spinning as if I was a hatchet that had just been thrown across the room…I found myself crashing over and over through oozing walls of something, and the only word my brain could come up with was “membrane”. So, after crashing through this Membrane over and over again…there came a moment where I could finally feel myself floating again, only this time, I found that the great black space was now full of water, and I was gently floating on its surface.

I followed the steps, but instead of breathing light, I found myself breathing out fire and smoke…little embers came forth from my nostrils and sizzled as they hit the water. The room had grown lighter now to a cream color as I started to feel a pain in my feet like I had never felt before. Suddenly there were roots wrapping themselves over my toes…not vines, but actual tree roots that were growing bigger by the second, locking me into place. They were not only pinching my feet, but felt like they were melding with them and trying to become one. I tried to hold out as long as I could, to stay in this place to figure out what was going on…but, I feel like my mind’s defense mechanism kicked in and I got whisked away somewhere else. My mind got distracted, and in the end, I had to stop the meditation a mere 15 minutes in (even though it already felt like it had been an eternity).

I plan on trying this meditation again to see what happens…but I’m wondering what this experience means (if anything). I have never had this happen to me during a meditation before.

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UPDATES:

In other news…considering that I have finally finished Creed 101 at IJRS and have started working on other classes elsewhere, I have decided that once I have finished the final tidbits of resource assignments that it might be wise to start thinking about doing the Sith Trials at OotS (Order of the Sith). Since I have no Master and have basically claimed the Darth title on many other sites, I feel that I would do good with the brush-up, and the formal trials might be a way to progress myself even further down the Dark Side Path.
Already I have started working on a Holocron which I will be posting on OotS and a Separate wordpress account and I just feel that it is time that I stop being the wandering observer and take some sort of action to be something greater than what I already think that I am.

With that being said, I want to also take next week to start working towards my courses in TOTJO. I have put this off for years because it takes so much time and dedication and I still question the community there and how they teach things. Either way, I signed up there and feel like I should do what I set out to do and continue working towards Jedi-Knighthood whether I consider myself more Sithian or not.

But that’s all I have going on right now. I’m still in Germany and will be back in the USA by the end of April (if that little tidbit was of importance to anyone).

MTFBWY

Here lately I have been seeing strange lights. Not like a UFO or anything of that manner…but every time I look at a person, I can see light lifting off of their shoulders, and sometimes when I am moving around in a darkened space, I see light flitting about the room. It’s not completely uncommon for me to be able to see the energy output on someone. This is something I have been able to do since I was very young. But, to start seeing it more as a constant thing…I can’t say this it’s unnerving…but for me, this will take some getting used to.
As for the lights that travel beside me and around me when I get up to walk around at night. Those are things that I still cannot explain.

So, General Update time…

Since I left Taz, I have been trying to get my life back on track. I have gotten back on the self-help Forums I was on before and have updated all of my goals to fit my current situation. I have started working on my Force-Assignments again, and will soon be finished with Creed101 so that I might move on with meditation or something along those lines. I have also started blogging a lot more and taking more ‘me’ time to relax and let my body heal from the damage it suffered while Taz and I were having our fallout.

I guess I never noticed how negatively she was affecting my personal journey until I went back and read through ll my assignments. Nowadays I want to be able to focus more on my journey as something separate from my love life, even though I know that the two will collide from time-to-time.

As mentioned before, I have started blogging more and have various blogs that cover various different hobbies of mine. I still want to do my Travel blog, but right now I’m focusing more on my tattoo blog as well as my gaming blog which has always been my main focus and passion.

Hm…I was also finally given the permission to make a ‘Holocron’ via “Order of the Sith”. I was originally told that only those that were considered ‘Darths’ on OotS were allowed to make Holocrons, and now that I have the permissions to do so, I only wonder what I might put there. While a Holocron has been under construction for some time now, I’m wondering if my format is appropriate.

Outside of Force-Realism…I am still in Germany at the moment. I will be here for another month before I return to Indiana. the goal is to stay in Indiana for about 3-6 months before possibly making my way over to Texas to be with my new partner while she finishes out her time in the Army. All of this will happen if she does NOT get deployed first. I’m ready to start over fresh and Indiana is the place where I grew up, but not the place where I want to stay. As always, my goal is to find a good and steady job to hold me over while I figure out what I wish to do with my life (career-wise). My time spent in Germany and babysitting has not only strengthened my dream of one day being married to that one person that holds my heart, BUT, it has also shown me that what I want more than anything else is to be a Mother.

There really is not much else to say.
more Creed posts are coming soon and hopefully some meditation as well. Just figured I would put a post out there to let people know that I am indeed still alive and pushing forward.