Archive for June, 2013

I find myself rather disturbed as of late…I find myself agitated and feeling lost when it comes to the Dark Side of The Force. I feel like I am letting the words of others get to me, and I’m starting to really ponder over things that otherwise I would have never bothered to question:

What is my specialty?

Seriously…
I was a Dark Lord at Sith Academy. I feel as though I earned that title and even though I know that my specialty lay in Religious Discussion, Covert Operations, and in Recruitment…still, what am I good for now? TOTSO so far has not really taken to the very few ideas I have tried to hand them (taken from other places I have been where these methods work), and when I asked about adding in Religion Courses as part of our training (to become more knowledgeable of all Religions in the World) and that is still hanging in the balance (most likely to be denied), I wonder where that leaves me as a Sith?

While I can carry on a decent debate and I play a huge role-model for what the ‘unmasked’ Sith are like, what they face, and how they overcome obstacles as well as posting about the more abstract thoughts and etc // as far as being a Dark Lady goes, it would seem that other than being a support, I really have no other function, and this really has me down in the dumps.
Currently I will start some training that was made specifically for me by a former apprentice and it is not exactly sad, but different that the Student is now teaching that person that once taught them and is supposed to be their Master.

Note that I am never one to turn down an opportunity to learn and become better by these means of gathering information…but seriously. There was another instance at TOTSO where I felt this way as well, and it kinda goes hand-in-hand with this: It was my Darth name.

I don’t have a Darth name, or a Dark name that holds any true significance to anything. I was not given a Darth name by a Master (because I never had one), I never had a vision of what my power on the path of Darkness was and therefore I had to become the embodiment of the power and therefore the name…as I just mentioned, I feel as though I hold no real specialty in these new schools and Temples in which I hold high standing, so where the hell do I even begin here?!

I was highly respected at SA for what my specialties were, highly respected for my intelligence and my ability to shrug off insults and be neutral. Now I am shaken by what seems to be a small thing, but in the long-run, I feel like this really affects me as a Dark Lady, as someone that gained the title of Lordship…and honestly, I just really need to know where to go and what to do from here.

It is one of those moments where I would love to relax, meditate, and reflect on this for answers, but I’m not even sure where to focus my thoughts and/or where to begin with this. I am hoping that I am not the only one that has ever suffered from this problem and could really use some advice. :/

Religious Talk // Respect

Posted: June 30, 2013 in Ranting/Venting

…so I like the idea of Religious Discussion, I like that freedom of being able to discuss my beliefs with a passion and tell others about what I believe in order to give them a better understanding of what I do, and how life looks through my eyes. BUT, at the same time, I do not go around shouting praises to The Force. I do not wave my arms in public and declare myself as a Force User, as a Jedi or otherwise.

I guess that is the difference between World-Religions and then that of the alternative kind.

Even as a Wiccan and such, most experienced people of the Craft will not go around boasting about magick or that they are a Witch (granted most do not need to because you can generally pick a Pagan out of the crowd, but still), they will not perform a ritual on the train or at the bus stop. They do not question others about their faith and then compare it to that of Neo-Paganism. *sigh*

Basically, Taz and I were at the train stop in Augsburg-Oberhausen. I had gone to the City with Taz and was walking around with her for a few hours while we waited for her train that would take her back to base. We had gone out to eat, we had talked about some serious issues in our lives, and now we were finally at the train stop cuddling for the last half-hour or so before we would have to part ways.
So, a man walks up on the platform and asks me in German if this was the platform for the Ulm-bound-train. I answered that it was. He then asked what time the train was leaving, and I answered that it was 20:29 // but when he started talking about some other things, I kindly told him that I only spoke a little German and was a native English Speaker.
Long-story-short, this man expressed how he had just come from a worship in the city. He exclaimed how he was so happy because they got to sing, play guitar and tom-tom-drums all in the name of Jesus Christ. I rolled my eyes because I knew where this was going.

Sure enough, the man then started asking both Taz and I questions: “Where are you from? Where do you work? How long are you here?” and then he told his personal story about life and all the while was telling us how he thanked God for every living moment he had. But, then he went further. Next, he explained the story of Jesus Christ—the Son of God, the man who overcame Death, the Prince of Heaven, blah, blah, blah.

Now it had gone past something of a conversation to a whole preaching about Jesus and about God’s love, and how we should thank God for every moment, and how we are all equal as we are all God’s children…and the BEST part was, when this man was done talking, he shook our hands, and LEFT the Train Station. He was not even waiting on the damn train! Ungh…

I was so frustrated…because here I was having my last moments with Taz for a whole week, and here this man was wasting my time with something I already knew, did not care about, and really did not want to hear. I am the type of person that believes that a person curious about a faith and/or curious for a path and type of guidance in life will go looking for it him/herself. I am the type of person that finds it rude, annoying, and rather unnecessary to pull people into these preachings and into these spiels…and I guess the thing that made me the most agitated was because I did not have the ability to tell the man that I was not interested in hearing his story and that he needed to go away so that I could kiss and cuddle Taz some more -_-

Poor Taz had the same problem…she never likes coming off as rude to people either, and she was just as annoyed but could not tell the man to leave either. Even as a former Baptist (which I let the man know), he STILL refused to leave and shut up. Even when Taz piped up as being Catholic, he STILL kept going and STILL refused to leave. Ungh…

Religion is something that should not be flung around so loosely. It is something that should be respected and not shoved down people’s throats. I was fine with him telling me about his great time at Worship, but what I did not like was him wasting the next 15 minutes of my life blathering on about Jesus Christ.

If I were interested in church, in God, and in Jesus Christ…I would have stayed a Baptist. Were I interested in finding myself via the Christian Path once again, then I would find a Church and find the resources myself. I would ask people, call people, and do things on my own in order to accomplish this goal. Who gets off by going to a Train Station and then preaching to random people that just want to from point A to point B.

Granted, I can understand that this man feels it is his mission to spread the word and love of his Savior…fine…
But, I feel that he could find a better and more effective way of getting this word out instead of boring people and wasting their time, energy, and otherwise. What is that one quote? Religion is like a penis? It’s fine to have but it’s not okay to whip it out in public and put it in people’s faces?

…and then just the week before I was handed pamphlets for the Koran in German because people were walking around screaming verses from it in the middle of Augsburg. I just do not understand it. This world is not Godless, this world is not doomed, let people find their own paths their own ways and keep your faith to yourself unless someone seriously asks you for an important purpose like voting and/or a survey or some shit.

I think I had a more intellectual rant on this…one with proper grammar and more fancy words but alas, fatigue is getting the better of me. Still, I think that you are understanding of my point in this. It’s pretty obvious what I mean.

Religion as a discussion is something that interests me…studying religion interests me, and debating religion and/or hearing about it also interests me WHEN it is something I have consented to doing, something I have joined into of my own accord and not otherwise.
At least ask my permission before you go spouting off to your faith -_-
…that would be nice…if for once, someone could do that. At least with a Jehova’s Witness and other traveling Churches if you say ‘no’ they will just go away. *sigh*

Would have been happier having my sweet lady-lip time…*grumble*

So…I thought I would take the time to really go over the things that have been plaguing me with really bad energy and etc. The things that really shake me and keep it so that I have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, and etc.

Those things are fear and patience. Now, both of those things seem to be at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to the Force. In Sithism, fear is something you cannot feel because it is a weakness, fear is a tool that you use to bring about chaos and it is then a type of power for you; a tool. Then you have patience which is mostly noted in Jedi-Realism. Patience is a virtue, and in Jedi-Realism, patience will be key in almost everything you do. When deal with a complicated situation when trying to keep a level head, when meditating, when helping others, patience is always key.

Well…on the patience side of things, I have already mentioned before how I am getting evicted from my flat in Germany. Rather than communicate her issues to me, my roommate took me aside and said that I had 2 months to find another place because we did not live well together and had very separate interests. The eviction itself put me on edge around her and caused me to hate even being in the same house at the same time…but lately, she has been testing my patience to the MAX!

She always said that if she had someone over to look at my room, she would let me know a whole day ahead of time (let me know in advance) so that I could get everything straightened up and etc. Well, yesterday she had 3 people over…but, I had fair warning, so that was fine. What was NOT fine was her coming in, moving around my stuff, then cleaning up even more, knocking paint chips off my wall so that I stepped on them in the dark and then had to pull them out of my socks when I got a painful stab in the bottom of my foot. What is NOT okay is leaving a sticky note on my door that says that there will be another person coming to view my room at NOON the next day, when I just arrived home from work, it is 2am, and I sleep until 11am at the least. What is NOT okay is waking up at 6am and cleaning the whole house, making a ton of noise by sweeping, slamming doors, and talking on the phone as loudly as possible when said-person is trying to sleep.

THAT IS NOT OKAY!

I seriously want to yell at her and call her every rude name in the book. I want her to know how she has treated me since I have lived here (which has not been very nice) because she deserves to hear how much of an awful and unbearable person she is to freakin’ live with. The only reason I have NEVER expressed my true feelings towards her is because I did not want to start conflict…she has her way of living, I have mine. Still, it bugs me that this will be the 8th person she has had through to see the room. Taz will be over this weekend, and really, I do not want her bringing in people all weekend when I’m trying to spend quality time with the person that I love.

…but moving on to the fear part:

On my “Personal 101 Lesson 8” for the Institute of Jedi-Realist Studies, I discussed  how I nearly got raped by a man just last week. It was something that started off as a normal situation, and then my stupidity (if you want to call it that) was what put me into that corner to where the worst could have happened. To summarize this: A man was on the night bus with me, he then said that my street did not look trustworthy and he wanted to walk me home (because we only live 2 blocks from each other). My inability to tell this man know (because I figured he was being sincere) led me to let him walk me home. Then he tried to kiss me at my door, had hold of my arms, and I was one step away from beating the shit out of him when a lady from my flat threatened to call the Police if he did not go away.

Okay…so I know how to defend myself. I would have beaten him up, I would have yelled, and punched, and bit, and everything else until he let me go, it’s not as if I am helpless. But that situation literally scared me because it was something I had never experienced before. I am a person who accepts that there are things in this world that still scare me. The thought of ending up alone scares me, the thought that maybe there is nothingness after death and that we cease to exist…THAT scares me. In a sense, walking in the dark scares me—not because I think there are monsters, but because there are shady people at night, and the only true monsters are ourselves.

THAT’s why all of that scares me. Some might scoff because, being someone who has studied the Dark Side and carries such a high title in such…well surely, to others, they should not be afraid of anything. But, what people seem to forget is that a lot of those people who are on the path of darkness…well, they are wearing a mask. We are all human, and we all have our weaknesses. There is not a way in which we can eradicate all of our fears, all of the things that cause us stress and anxiety. There is not a single person that never loses their patience or never lets their tongue slip out of agitation or otherwise. To say that this is possible to make possible the idea of perfection…and perfection (as we know it) is impossible to achieve.

But while most Jedi will admit to their weaknesses and their flaws, the Sith tend to hide from it, to wear a mask to shadow it. They pretend as though their training has made them into the ultimate tool for chaos and destruction…and this is why I had to leave SA (one of the many reasons). Too many people hiding behind masks, afraid to admit to their own flaws as a human…afraid to actually have to admit that they still have obstacles to overcome. That’s why at “TOTSO” and “The New Sith Order” I feel like there may still be hope for the likes of the Sith Ideology and way of living.

Still…I do have to ask this:

What are the best ways to deal with fear and anxiety?
Tonight I will be riding the night bus again and find myself fearful for what might happen if that man just happens to ride again.

Lastly: How does one deal with lack of patience and violent thoughts towards others?
While I would never hurt anyone just because they make me angry, the feeling to serious inflict physical pain on my current roommate when she is being really nasty towards me still arises. It seems I still hold much of the fire of hate and anger that I did as a child when I was being abused, and I really need help in controlling this part of me. I’d rather not eradicate it as I find it to be instinctive and something of a defensive mechanism, but I would at least like a way to keep it in check.

Help?

P101-8

Posted: June 24, 2013 in Asking Advice?, IJRS Courses

IJRS Studies:

Amelia Long – Lesson 8: Responsible Selfishness

1.)  Have you ever found yourself being pulled in every direction at

once? Do you spend your time wishing you could do what you want to do, but are always doing something for someone else?

Are your responsibilities keeping you from your deepest desires? Why do you think this is?

 

— There have been many times were I found myself being pulled in several different directions. Not merely because I was trying to help someone, this could be in many different lights. I have been pulled in different directions when friends and family are fighting with each other, relationships tend to have me feeling stretched all over the place, and sometimes the occasional ‘help’ that I hand out has me pulled this-way-and-that.  Also, I also feel stretched when it comes to time and time management. I find that before I go to bed, I plan out what I want to do in the morning so that I get everything done that I like to do in order to start my day off right. Sometimes though, other things pull me away from this ‘plan’ and then my life seems as though it is in a shambles. I am the type of person that does not like random events popping up out of the blue…I like advance notice, I like being able to plan and prepare, that’s why when I was told that I was being evicted in a little less than 2 months, I pretty much lost my head.

 

—As for the next question, there are indeed many times where I would like time to do the things I want to do and in the order in which I want to do them. But life never works that way as there would not be enough hours in the day to get everything done that I am wanting to do. Sometimes it does seem that I am doing more things for others and it takes away from my time to do things for myself. While I do choose to Skype my attraction (I will call her) every night that I have the chance, a part of me wishes I could be playing video-games or even reading a book. I know I Skype her because I miss her and like talking to her (therefore making it my choice to do this) but at the same time, I know she relies on my Skyping her just as much as I rely on my Skyping to keep me sane, make me feel less lonely, and to get that feeling of gratification from being ‘loved’ (I really hope that makes sense).
So while it may seem as though I am taking that time out of my day for my own selfish desires, in a sense I am doing it for her too, and when I do not feel like talking to her, I still do it anyways because I know it is something she wants. I do the same thing when my Mother wants to Skype me or even my sister. Since I have moved so far away, they want to talk with me every time we are online together…but sometimes I would just rather do other things, but still, I take the time out to talk to them because I am more considerate of their wants and needs. Lastly, there are things that I like to do (such as playing certain video games) that are looked down on by people that I care about and love. My obsession with Pokémon is often portrayed as childish and makes me look irresponsible in the eyes of some (no matter how many times I have tried to voice otherwise). It is this negative outlook towards something that enjoy that makes me enjoy it a little less…sometimes when my attraction tells me she hates Pokémon and it is dumb, it makes me never want to play the game again…and when she says it is childish, it makes me feel bad and so I set the game aside until I am feeling better again. While this is just her personal opinion, it still matters a lot to me and I take it to heart; same goes for other things I may like. So oftentimes I will even set aside doing things I want to do merely because other people laugh at it and/or frown upon it.

 

—As far as my responsibilities keeping me from my deepest desires…well, there’s only one example I have. Working here in Germany has been nothing but a pain. The shifts revolving around German laws and customs not only keeps me from getting proper sleep and keeping good eating habits, but it also affects my relationship. I am already three hours or more away from the one I love, and when they deny me weekends and only offer me one a month, this is a hassle. Even when they have a part-time job slot and deny me for this position merely because I am not a mother with a  child, that’s when I start to think that work is hindering my ability to have what I consider to be a totally fulfilled and proper relationship. Still, this is more of a selfish thing and an unwillingness to work because I really despise my job.

But I will say that doing things like running errands, having to keep the flat tidy, and etc. all with a tight work schedule does not allow me a lot of free time, thus denying me that time for my deepest desires to be fulfilled.

 

2.)  How do you feel when you tell someone no?

Does it feel different when they are asking for some minor help rather than major help?

 

—Let me take this question in a different direction for a moment // two days ago (as I might have mentioned earlier), I could have gotten raped. It was a very serious situation in which I was riding a night bus with another man that lived in my same city. We stopped only 2 blocks away from my flat when he looked down the street and basically told me that it was dark, cold, and there were strange people out so he was going to walk me home. Granted, it was a Thursday, I had previously had to deal with several drunkards, and so I agreed that there were many strange folk about, but wither way, I did not want to have him walking with me to my flat.

I tried to turn him down, but he kept insisting. I find that when someone is trying to act sincere and I get to the point of where I would have to seriously run from them to make them go away and/or yell at them, I choose to give in because I don’t want a bad vibe around me, nor do I want the negative attention that I would get after taking such a verbal stance.

Already in Germany I am looked upon as being odd. Where I live, fashion is held above all else and those who dress different or dress odd are avoided and laughed at. People refuse to sit by me on the bus because I come off as odd and foreign…they will choose to stand even when I have the only empty seat beside me.

 

Anyways, this man was walking me home when he started to become rather touchy. I know Europeans to be very touchy anyways as is part of their sociable culture, so I ignored the fact that his hands were on my shoulders. But, when we reached my flat, he asked if he could have a kiss. I told him ‘no’. then he asked for ‘just one’. Again, I told him ‘no’, and then he tried to justify his means of getting a kiss by asking me if I had a boyfriend. Having no one that I am committed to at the moment (not by my choice) I merely told him that I was seeing someone. Still, he asked again for a kiss. I knew I would have to do something because this man had a grip on my wrists, he was not letting go, and he was not drunk. So I leaned in to give him a hug. It was dumb of me…I know that now. He started to try and kiss me, he licked my cheek, licked my chin, and when I opened my mouth to protest, he licked inside my mouth, and it was disgusting and furthermore affirmed that I am indeed a lesbian.  Then he started groping my breasts and etc. I was awful. I tried to pull away and he started asking me for a kiss again…when I told him he had gotten his one kiss, he started screaming about wanting more. Now I literally started to raise my voice and told him I did not want to, and then he cried back,”I don’t understand…you don’t have a boyfriend!”

 

I was not about to get into the concept of loving someone with a Turkish stranger. Still, I was lucky enough to be saved by a woman in my flat who made the man go away after he had started to grunt up a storm and try groping me again. The moral of this story is that I do have a hard time saying ‘no’ and coming off as if I mean it. As I was talking to this man and telling him no, I was laughing nervously and came off as merely being shy and not affirmative of my decision not to kiss him. Even when he offered to take me home, I tried to play the nice route and explain that my house was not far and I could walk myself, rather than merely telling him no. Had I told him no and walked away, and had I been stronger to tell him no and get him off of me with a more forceful tone and action on my part…I would have not been groped and licked—which was rather disgusting.

 

Same thing happens when I help people. When someone asks for my help, I feel like they always need it…even if it is something small or big. I feel like people would not ask for help if it was something they could do themselves at the level and efficiency at which they wanted to do that thing and/or accomplish their task. So when someone wants my help, if I were to say no I feel as though I would be lazy and would get that negative vibe, get that negative remark or look, and in the end I would feel nothing more than ashamed and guilty of not helping that person who was obviously (in my mind) in need of my assistance.

 

I know that I need to learn a better way of judging when to help and when not to help. I know that I need the strength to voice my opinion more often then just abiding by what people want and listening to what others have to say while my own opinions remain in the shadows. This is my weakness, one that I have known about for some time butI do not know how to fix this. So yeah, I feel awful when I have to say ‘no’.

 

Sorry for that awkward and TMI direction 😦

 

3.)  In addition to those questions, I’d like to you look at your life and see if not being selfish enough has contributed to your lack of training, if this is a problem for you.

 

 

—My lack of training comes from too much selfishness and not the other way around. It would seem that my other wants and needs (such as playing Pokémon and running off to Vilseck to see my attraction) is what keeps me from training. Rather than sit down and do a lesson like I used to, I sit down and check facebook, then youtube, then pokepasta, then I moderate all my group pages, then I play some games, and do something else until I have to go to bed. I will admit that my lack of training is honestly laziness on my part…
And while some of it is laziness, some of it is also a lack of direction. Obviously right now I am torn between the light and the darkness. While I share many qualities that I would consider good for a Jedi-Knight-in-Training, I also share the qualities which made me a Sith Lord and still claims me as a Dark Lady. So between the rift in my path, my own self-discovery, and laziness…training tends to take the back-seat here.

 

4.)  The Little Soul & The Sun: Were they new concepts for you? How did you feel as you read them?

—The concepts portrayed in this parable did not seem very new to me. As a former Wiccan I am familiar with the concept of souls, the reincarnation of souls, and the goals of souls to be complete so that they may return to the Divine in light of their perfection. I understand that as a soul our job is to experience all things over multiple lifetimes…this is actually one of the many beliefs I have retained from my Pagan days. Still, as I read this passage I actually just felt like I was reading a happy book, like I was reading someone’s accomplishment and feeling very proud of them and happy for them at the same time.
I really wish that I had some better way of explaining it to you. But these passages did not ring out selfishness to me, they rang out ‘discovery’ to me and ‘truth’ to me more than anything.

 

                In addition to what has been answered here above, I would like to add that while at times I am not selfish enough to take care of my own needs I AM at other times feeling as though I can be too selfish. For example, as I am writing this, I have called in sick to work. This is not the first time I have done this for more selfish reasons. Granted, I plan on taking the overtime to make up for the lost hours, but even with this, I feel guilty and ashamed.
I have been dealing with many stressors as of late, and my depression has hit its worst peak in some time (since I was a child). A lot of this (in part) is due to my relocation to another Country, stressors added to me because of an eviction I am going through, and lastly because of the continuous stress brought about by my love for someone and in trying to build a relationship with this other person.

I feel as though I am taking advantage of Germany’s unlimited sick leave even though I justify my actions by saying that I could easily get fired for behavioral issues and the things I am feeling now could easily be considered as behavioral. Also, I justify this because I feel as though I just need a day for ‘me’. Two days ago I could have gotten raped. It did not happen because someone saw the man and the way he was acting and trying to touch me and they made him go away…but it could have happened, and that has me stressed still because this man lives so close to me. Also, my relationship…I just need a day to sort things out in my head, stop crying and getting frustrated over things that I said out of spite. I need time to relax and think…and work would not provide me that, and 8-hours of shoulder pain and all of these stressors would cause me serious issues.

Lastly, I hate my job…and with all these other negative feelings surrounding me and then being ina  building where others feel the same way about their job—me being an Empath would pick up these other emotions and things could get ugly. I’m not saying I had any excuse to fake being sick, but at the same time, I just knew that I could not make it through today. I know I need to stop missing work. I know that I have a responsibility…but, I also needed just a day to relax and fix thins within myself.

So I ask you…was this right of me or wrong?

As many know, I am no longer at Sith Academy, but I do still spend my time elsewhere at other Sith Temples that are being run by those I know and trust from the Academy. When I am not helping develop things for TOTSO, I wander around on the site known as “The New Sith Temple” which is operated by Darth Sanguinus—someone who I connected with greatly on a spiritual level (being we shared a similar ideology of Sithism) and who I count as a trusted Leader & Mentor because of his willingness to be open with new ideas and etc.

The New Sith Temple is something I have not fully immersed myself in…for me, I am still merely ‘trying it out’ to see what it holds. I find that it has many resources that I could use in my studies, but ultimately, I am still checking out the atmosphere of it all. Anyways, as with most Sith-sites and Force-user-sites in general, I was asked to create a Personal Holocron where all my training and experiences were to be posted. I started the Holocron by introducing myself and listing my experience with The Force.

No longer am I hesitant about being a Neutral Aspect, Shadow Jedi, and/or Light Sith. I bluntly state where I stand when it comes to The Force, and those that do not like it do not have to have anything to do with me if they so choose and please.

Anyways, part of my introduction consisted of my experiences as a Sith. I mentioned how I am a former Dark Lord of SA, current Dark Lady at TOTSO, and then how I have also been floating around The New Sith Temple without a rank to cling on to. While most responses to my posts were welcoming, there was one where I was basically ‘attacked’ by one of the other members. He basically stated that SA is a joke (but this we already knew), and that my title of ‘Lord’ was given to me and was never truly earned.

He then went on to explain that under his Master at SA he sweat and bled for his title and blah, blah, blah—going on about how my time there meant nothing, my title meant nothing, and basically saying that I was just talking out my ass about the things I feel like I did for SA and accomplished for myself at SA and/or for the Academy itself.

He wasn’t trolling…and while I put on the mask to pretend as though his words did not anger me, I know that rage is still a major weakness of mine. His words lit a fire in me and I wanted to just slap him around for being so damn rude…but rather, I merely pointed out that I was just introducing myself, telling my story, and that obviously we shared two very different opinions on things.

…so I ask you this: What is it when you have truly earned something?

I think of it this way…I know that Sith Academy lost a lot of members because there was a lot of favoritism going around. People were often inducted into the higher ranks without having to do anything more than fill out an application and Skype one of the Darths. In fact, a lot of the newer Masters that had come in only made it as a ‘Master’ because Ravenus desperately wanted teachers and people were ditching the site left and right.

Then there was the fact that (as stated before) there was favoritism going around. All of Ravenus’ Apprentices were basically guaranteed some special position of some sort, and those related to other Masters or Lords also had this same right. To this day I find that Shedra was one of the Lords who, while she did indeed do a lot of missions online, was not worthy of her title. She made the SA look bad…she attacked people without reason, constantly belittled others, tried to take control of SA and focus it solely around Dark Magicks, and then made a fool of herself trying to attack Ravenus and others because she was being demoted.
Also, rather than try and improve Sith Academy by discussing issues with the Elite Circle, she would just whine and complain without taking action, even though all she ever did was scream that no one was taking action! It made no sense. She had a temper, she never listened, she never tried to cooperate with the main body of the site, and she was handed a title because she claimed to have her own Sith Circle where she lived AND she was married to Sidonus.

While normally I would not attack people by name, her reign was one that started off as a good thing (because we needed more woman leaders and she gave me a sense of playful rivalry) and then ended in disaster and a lot of face-palming :/

Still…back to my main point.

Does the Sith Academy hand out titles to people who have yet to earn them? Yes.

Does SA have a tendency to show favoritism? Of course.

But did I earn my title there as Lord? YES!!!!

I started out at Sith Academy as a spy for my Jedi friends…I wanted to see what Sithism was and if it was really a threat to the light-side of things. But, I soon got sucked into Sithism and the dark-side because try as I might to be wholly-good, I do think that peace is a lie, I do gain power from passion, I want power, I want glory…but I also feel things like compassion, I trust in the power of words and knowledge, and I want to help others in need.

At Sith Academy, I completed my assignments and then some…I ranked past initiate. I held my cover as a man up until the last minute when both Ravenus and Imperius got me on Skype and I had no choice but to show myself…still, I was doing the meditations, I was doing the exercises, I was practicing, reading, trying to learn all that I could. I sat there on my computer for hours and would write religious reports for my group in the SA…

I was teaching others my views, I was taking on apprentices, I was recruiting around my city, I was bringing back former members via e-mail and telephone calls. I was also doing research missions for Ravenus. I was infiltrating Jedi-Temples and giving the Sith a portal-of-sorts so they could go in and explain Sithism, describe it as a threat, and basically troll the hell out of the places they entered. I only became Ravenus’ apprentice AFTER I had gained the title Lord.

Sure, I never bled for my position…yes, I was belittled by Ravenus often for my weak views, for my compassion, for being apologetic, and practically for having a vagina. All-in-all I was not whipped and chained, and made into a monster of hate in order to become a Lord of Sith Academy. Yes, I got promoted rather quickly but that is because I was willing to do the assignments given to me and do them as fast and efficiently as I could.

Just because I was not as physically exhausted and mentally abused does not make my title a gift to me and does not mean that I was let off easy…it does not mean that my claims are invalid, it does not mean that did not EARN what is mine, what I had, and etc.

A man could build a skyscraper and get a pay-raise. He earned it.
But that does not mean that the man who reads the blue prints or stands outside to monitor the working conditions does not deserve a pay-raise too. Sure, they weren’t lifting the beams or running the machines, but they still had their part to play in making that design-of-a-skyscraper a reality. They too earned something better than what they had. This is my thought on the the issue at least.

Granted, if one man is working and the other one is napping in the bathroom all day and faking being sick so he does not have to come into work in the first place—well, that is a different story. But whereas this one man sweat and bled for his title, I too had to do research, call up strangers and debate/negotiate with them. I got the weird stares as I tried to recruit others to the cause, and I had to be the first one to go into a Temple to open that gateway and door for my fellow Sith and their Army. I had to talk to Ravenus often and that in itself was torture (lol) so do not tell me that I have not earned my title and that I did not work for it.

Like Sanguinus said in response to that man: I did not come to that site flaunting my supposed-superiority over them. I did not brag about my title and demand respect from them as if they are all lowly compared to me. I merely explained where I came from, where I believe my path stands, and what the past has done to better me…and yet I get attacked because I am not worthy of the titles I now claim and own.

Venger made me Dark Lady because him and I ran SA for over a month together while Ravenus was gone in India and Imperius was MIA. Venger and I would spend hours on the telephone discussing the direction of SA, concerns that we had with the current Sith Ideology and etc. We discussed changes in policies, ways to reach out to more people, we were trying to start a radio broadcast among other things to spread the word better than any flyer could. We had plans…and we worked together to get SA up-and-running with its new system to allow only dedicated people to remain and to kick out the trolls.

So where I earned the title LORD at SA, I also earned respect enough from Venger to be admitted to the Council at TOTSO as a Dark Lady. I consider these feats, I am proud of my titles and my accomplishments, and even today I continue my studies so I can hold these titles with more pride and knowledge.

Either way…people can really piss me off. They point their finger in my face and laugh even though they are stuck on their path and I am doing my best to press forward for my own truth and enlightenment and/or endarkenment. *sigh*

…Darth Ravenus used to tell me all the time that my ramblings on mistakes that I had made were interesting, but pointless. While one of his most dedicated members and soldiers within the Sith Academy Army, he still considered me weak and not one of true power (or what he considered to be such). While I used my mistakes to show that I was human and even as a Lord would fall to things such as rage (stress) and etc—he considered my misfortune a dark sign that the Gods were laughing at me (something he would tell me often). While I now know him to be more loud-mouthed than anything, and consider him ignorant in many areas of The Force, true power, and even in Sithism; there are still days where I wonder if he is right.

Anyways…past the stressors of my upcoming eviction, money issues, and etc. I have gone back to studying the past. Nothing as far back as ancient civilizations, but actually, things that took place just a couple of years ago back in 2011. I have revisited the blog of “Sean the Mystic” // most know him nowadays as Darth Imperius. I have copied his blog and am currently looking through his words for some sort of hint…some sort of insight as to what led him astray from his original vision for a new Galactic Empire.

I do not know why, but things such as this interest me. Ever since I wrote the blog on “Mirror Images” I have been wanting to revisit his old page, see the birth of Sith Academy, learn more about the Mystic that died to give birth to the corrupt soul we know today. I don’t know…I am convince that at one point, Sean was truly enlightened and really had a vision. But, I feel as if weakness stole away his light, stole away his dream, stole away his determination to create a new path.

I wish I could explain it better but…I remember Imperius as someone of a Leader and a prophet. He knew things that wowed the people around him, he could call to him many a man with his great speeches. He could have said the sky was purple and people would have believed him even if to their eyes it was blue…all because he was so convincing, a wizard with words, he was empowered and enlightened with the voice of Darth Omega and those who truly believed him almost worshiped him.

But now that he has become someone that I consider “fallen” I do not worship nor respect him any longer as enlightened or empowered. All the knowledge he gained and tried to give to those others who were willing to follow him, he has betrayed them by going backwards on the path and sinking to a level from which there can be no return. Now instead of working under him as a Lord, I study him as an aspiring Shadow Aspect, a Padawan, and a Dark Lady.

I am still not sure what I have to learn from his writings if anything at all. But…if I find anything, it will be reported here for sure. I’m hoping this week will prove to be good for me in getting back on track and developing my unique path. Hopefully there will be more news to report as the days go on.

Wish me luck…I suppose.

This was a post that I made at TOTSO as to address the newer Sith coming in to learn and train.As we still do not have a solid training program up just yet (there is still we have yet to develop and discuss) I have been trying to take in outside resources to help others via my new Holocron (which focuses on The Force…not light nor dark solely…just in general). As I had not posted in some time and real-life issues tend to get in the way of what I would LIKE to do (which complete some more courses, exercises, and etc). I posted this instead.

I have noticed through my search to find my own path—I have noticed and seen the struggles of others; where they seem to fall short, where they seem to give up, where they seem to put on the mask of a Sith and hide away behind a computer screen, immersed in an imaginary world of power rather than go out and achieve it the way we have laid it out for them

I too have faced struggles when it comes to The Force. Even as a neutral aspect (something I consider easier than following true Sithism or true Jedi-Realism) I still find that my path can still become rocky, and sometimes, it can even fade. There are days where I am still fully dedicated to the causes I have strived to improve and keep going, days where I am faithful to my life choices in following the grey area of things and in letting religion back into my life…but there are times where other things come up, I run astray of what I think I should be doing, I feel lost, I feel like a lack direction.

 

It does go to show you that even those with higher titles…of Knights, of Masters, of Lords…even the people considered the most powerful need a nudge sometimes. Realistically, I feel that even the expert still makes mistakes, still has doubts, and still ponders on the things he/she is doing or might do in the future. Even the expert might second-guess a decision, admit that what they did was wrong, have to go back and make changes, reassert themselves, reassure themselves.

I am not on this site to boast and flaunt my power…I am not on this site to claim myself as something all-powerful. I am not here to say that I am Sith whereas others are not because they have not earned such a title. I am here to offer guidance to those who think they need it. I am here as a voice of experience, as a person of honesty and the blunt-truth. I am here as a mentor but as someone who is still learning as well. As a mentor I too am still a student, and learn from others as they learn from me and vice-versa. This is how I believe things should work. This is how I see things as being right.

But, the point of this entry is to reach out to those who abandon these Temples of Wisdom, these Academies of the alternative…sometimes the Path you take may not make sense for awhile. Sometimes more work does not always bring with it more understanding. I believe that all things bring with it a consequence both good and bad, and also believe that, in life, you will have to do things that you find boring, that you find silly, or that you find to be worthless. This path and other force-related paths are not easy…they require time, dedication, they require a huge amount of emotional and mental willingness to succeed and push forward. These paths test you spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically…these paths ask more out of you as a person than almost any other religion in the world.

These paths and religions of the alternative kind want to bring you true and enlightenment and/or endarkenment. They strive to change the way you see things, how you sense things in general, and sometimes, they strive to change even how you think. The abilities promised in these paths ARE true and CAN be obtained…but they must also be EARNED. Nothing is to be gained by putting on a mask and pretending to be something you are not…understanding is not based in lies and laziness. Power is not obtained without movement, succession, procession—-so never take the lessons learned here lightly and merely ‘pretend’ that you are doing as told. By lying and cheating you are taking 5 steps back for every one foot put forward, you are moving away from enlightenment into ignorance.

Even when you find that the path has gone cold for awhile…know that this too is just another test. If the path is too rocky then pave it with the resources you have picked up here and on the outside…smooth it out, and press forward. When the path has faded and now you cannot take a direct route to your goal, then take the other way around…it might take a little longer, but at least you get to where you need to be. While I cannot say I give the best advice, this is something I believe I have learned and this advice gets me through my best and worst times in following the path.

So again…I leave you with my mere thoughts and my beliefs. How you take them in and use them is all up to you…but I hope it can get you through any situation where applicable, and may the Dark Side of The Force be with you…always.

—Dark Lady LaRkEn