Archive for August, 2013

I started my workout only to see how quickly that all went down the drain. Depression sets in, I find myself not wanting to do anything, motivation is gone, and blah, blah, blah.
Granted, I made up for it by volunteering to do more physically demanding jobs at work AND the fact that I spend all night sweating my ass off in this German Summer heat…well, I’m doing pretty well.

But seriously, I look in the mirror and I am disappointed.
Back in the USA, I had so many things going for me. I bought energy pills so I could drop the soda and coffee (when I did have c affine I used a water-based energy drink and was only allowed 2 a month), I was playing Airsoft, and I was working out at the gym I had at the apartment complex AND running on the treadmill. I felt good, I felt sexy, I felt strong, and now, I feel like a fucking blob.

I know that it is my own fault. I got sucked into the German culture, took this adventure as one big party, been drinking too much soda to stay awake during my 2 weeks of morning shift, been eating too much bread. But the Challenges are in the change of lifestyle and the culture around here. Everything they eat is carbs and sugar…nothing is plain or unaltered in some way.

Every meat is basically fried, healthy foods are ten times more expensive than in the States. I’m broke and hide from my current roommate because she is mean, so the kitchen has been a no-go for cooking. Also, I don’t like working out in a place where I constantly feel judged. BUT…all of that is going to change. August 31st I will be forever gone from Neusaess and I am moving to a bigger city (Augsburg).

One of my flat-mates (I know him personally) knows authentic Italian cooking, lives a healthy lifestyle, and I hope he will help me get on track. I want to start eating better starting with a high protein based breakfast, a vegetarian lunch, and a flexible dinner. I want to find a way to cut out sodas…but I do need something that will actually give me energy because the Placebo effect just does not work on me at 4am…sorry. -__-

I would opt to start some sort of sport…but that takes money, and money is something that I have nothing of. BUT, I want to eventually order some yoga supplies (like my original plan for Christmas last year before I opted for Krav Maga instead).
I just want to start getting into the healthier lifestyle now so that when I get back to the States, if I decide to go Guard, then the transition will not be so hard. Dropping the weight will make me more motivated to train.

 

On that note…I have still been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. While there are some days where I really want to achieve that goal of becoming a soldier, looking at myself in the mirror and feeling disgusted with my body makes me think that I will never make it. Also, my fears (such as heights and etc) also make me have doubts in my ability to succeed. Granted, I know that a Drill Instructor is trained to tackle these problems, but I’m not so sure they could ‘cure’ me of these phobia’s that I have.

I will not know what I want in the future until the future happens. Right now, a lot of what I do is riding on mine and Taz’s relationship when the time comes for me to go back home. It depends on whether we are together, whether I follow her to her next duty station, and etc.

I know I keep saying that I need a plan for the future…but right now, I feel like I not only need a solid plan for the future, but I need a new life. Lately, my depression and anger towards Taz and the way things have been unfolding has me very dissatisfied with where I am. I feel like I am doing nothing and going nowhere but am digging straight down into a hole where I wallow in my own self-pity.
I have been in that crevice before. I thought I had filled it back with soil and covered it with leaves…I’m not ready to go back there again. Not only is it sadness that is driving me, but anger as well…almost something towards a loathing…and annoyance. Feelings you should never have towards someone you love.

I just feel like it’s time for a change…time for something different, and time for something new. I’m just not sure what though.

But yeah…if you have any opinions on diets and etc, please leave them in the comments for me. I know people have sent me many meal-plans before, but they are not in my budget and dont fit well into my flip-shift schedule.

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