Thinking about priorities // changing me

Posted: July 1, 2014 in Ranting/Venting, Uncategorized

So much has been happening lately, and while now is not the time to give full details on everything, I have really started looking at myself, my habits, and really been evaluating myself more and more in order to do what this blog’s purpose stated beforehand—which is making a better ‘me’.

So, the future has been talked about a lot recently, and, while the details are still not set into stone about what might happen now or in a few years, my partner and I came to the conclusion that, if we do manage to stay together then there would be a marriage and children in our future. At the thought of having a child, I started thinking about how a child might view me as they get older. The thing is, children tend to pick up on things that we don’t really think about. Our small habits, even something as simple as the way we handle a pencil or fork…they see this and they mimic this. Sometimes the things that a child pick up can be corrected…but sometimes, the habits they pick up follow them for life.

I learned that, when I was little and could not sleep…my parents would take me on long car rides which would sooth me and I would fall into a deep and comfortable sleep. While many parents might applaud this, what they are failing to consider is that children develop a security blanket. Whether that be a position in which they lay or something that soothes them, this thing remains encoded in them and follows them to adulthood. Even to this day, even when behind the wheel, sleeping makes me very drowsy.

But, as mentioned before, children can also pick up on habits…they can pick up on mood swings, just behavior in general. They can pick up twitches and other quirks in a person, especially their parents…and while thinking about this, I started looking at my life. While I am generally organized and usually have my ducks in a row, there are some things about me that are…well, not really role-model worthy. I often have the tendency to neglect things (chores and etc) and even have the tendency to neglect myself when I am depressed and in ‘the pit’.

Simple things like taking a shower that night or brushing my teeth. I shirk it off. Granted, not to the point where I am disgusting, but, to the point where I know that I am starting to have a problem. Another bad habit of mine is never finishing something that I start. This issue began with the novels that I was writing. I would get an idea, write a few pages, then get a new idea for a new book and the old project would collect dust for the next few years until I would decide to re-write it…but then the whole process would happen again. I have about 30 novels that I have started with the whole plot thought out, but, they never see completion.

But that didn’t bother me as much as the fact that there are a lot of video-games that I have never completed. This would not bother me as much if video-games were not such a big part of my life. It wasn’t until I started beating a lot of video-games this year that I realized just how many I own that I never saw through. I would beg for a game, get it, play it, reach a hard part, rage quit, and just buy a new game.

These are all small things…but I noticed that such habits had started flooding into my actual life…my organized life. I would start a savings account, but would not save as much money as I wanted because I wanted something new. I realized that a few years back, I paid out so much in wasted tuition fees because I would start a college course, decide I didn’t like it, dropout again, then feel bad, and then finally I would start another college course, only this time I was going for something new.

Would I want a child to see me like this?

When Taz left for the military, I found that it was hard to handle the pets that I had. Whereas I loved them dearly and the cats were so spoiled before and love to death, I started getting angry at them, locking them out of my room…I couldn’t deal with them. I shirked that part of my responsibility as a pet owner to give them affection for at least a month or two because depression beat me. I got better, and they were loved to death again…but, I shouldn’t even be doing that to a beloved pet, so I can’t do that to a child!

The past is the past…but I decided that there were some things in me that needed to be tackled now. So, I took it one step at a time. I started reading a book that I bought forever ago because “I had to have it”, and, in a week, it should be finished.
I have started beating video games no matter how hard they get, and I keep trying. Because of this, I am finally getting through a game that I have been trying to beat for over 5 years. It’s crazy, because all these things may seem to some people, but to me, it’s really an improvement, and it moves me down the road to transformation. I even used an alarm to remind me to brush my teeth so I never miss a night by ‘accident’, and I have been a tad bit stricter on sleeping schedules to.

While I am also trying to be healthier, well, while I am still in Germany, that is still going to be a problem.

Speaking of problems…I ran into one. While Taz’s move from Oklahoma to Kentucky was a blessing, it’s still something of a curse. There is no Amazon close enough to her for me to transfer except for one in Jeffersonville, IN —but, with their new transfer policy in the US (you apply for a transfer and they hold your application for 90 days. Then, if they find that they have a place for you within that 90 days, they call you up and expect you to be there at their door ASAP. This sucks because I need 2 months free to get a house and etc. Then I wanted to start work in January BUT with this new policy…well…) I would have to stay in Germany throughout November and December just to hope they have a position open in January. Then, not only would I not be able  to fly home with Taz, but I would miss out on seeing my family like I had planned.

Not to mention I already got the same thing from Amazon IND2 (where I originally came from), Jeffersonville being 2 hours from Taz and then Indy being a little over 4 hours. So, my final option is basically to quit Amazon, move in with my Mother, and find another job in my hometown until Taz and I get a plan together.

So…thus goes back to the saving and having my priorities in order and blah, blah, blah. So, I have started looking at apartments near Taz where I could live, as well as jobs on base and jobs within the general area near her. It’s not going to be easy, but hell, I moved to Germany dammit! Still, I just figured I would let it be known how I felt.

I don’t want my children to look at me and say: “Wow…I never want to be like my Mom (or be in her position).” which was pretty much how I viewed both of my parents. I love them dearly, but I don’t want my child to see me constantly broke, out of work, dependent on others, and stuck in a corner due to a lack of skills which would otherwise allow me to progress in this world. Do I want them to strive to be better than me? Of course! But more than that, if they manage to get by just fine and have a little bit of  plain but happy life like mine has been so far, I want them to look at my accomplishments and feel satisfied that they could be the same way.

More or less this is just rambling, but it is also just a bit of food for thought. Still, I have the time to grow and will do so at my own pace. But yeah…that’s all I suppose.

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