RE: Jedi- Am I doing it wrong?

Posted: January 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

Awhile back I made a post about how I felt as though I was going through the Jedi Path incorrectly. I felt like a failure on the Light Side, and, unlike the last time I fell victim to this type of feeling…I did not have my Dark Side to fall back on because I had left SA and TOTSO had gone under.

Anyways…I got a few comments, mostly questions that I needed to ask myself, and, at the time, I really could not answer. But, feeling up to the Challenge (and having been doing a lot that concerned The Force and my Path here recently), I sat down and took a gander at the questions again…I really gave them some thought, and, while I would normally just answer them in the comments-section, I just felt I should clarify to all where I feel I stand now…kinda show that ‘human’ side of me…show that I am imperfect in very way possible, but that I still struggle forward no matter what.

((if you haven’t read the previous Blog post, this will not make any sense to you btw))

————

Answering Questions:

1.       Does it actually help to compare yourself to what you think others are doing?

Sometimes it does help me when I compare myself to others. It’s a competitive-thing…sometimes, seeing that someone is doing so much more and so much better than me drives me and really makes me push my limits. But, sometimes this also does the opposite, and it slows me down rather than help me out…it makes me turn my back on the thing I wanted to improve on because I feel so useless. So it’s a 50/50 on what the result could be.

I honestly cannot help being this way and comparing myself to others. I have always done it, and it’s like biting your nails…it’s a really tough habit to break and get over.

2.       What do you feel commitment to a path looks like?

Commitment to a Path to me…is constantly living for that path you have chosen. I guess to me, totally committing to a path (in sense of IJRS) would be doing at least one assignment a day, constantly posting to my blog, keeping up with fitness. I see people going out, taking healing courses, signing up for martial arts and I’m like,”I would do that if I had the money.” Then when I have the money I say,”I would do that if I had the time.” Then when I have the time I’m like,”Nope…YouTubing cats…this is super important.”

I still have a hard time NOT making excuses for everything that I do.

Have you actually committed to the Jedi path?

To the Jedi Path? No…
To the Grey Aspect of being a Shadow Jedi and Light Sith? Somewhat… I’m really on-and-off with things. I just started a YouTube Channel and Facebook Page (along with a separate WordPress Blog) called “Force Talk”. It’s mission is to spread truth and enlightenment about The Force, Force Users, and etc. Basically separating the myth from reality. I feel like doing this is getting me one step closer to being fully committed to something since making YouTube videos is something of a passion for me and is something to keep me interested and involved. Through it I can share my experiences as a Jedi AND Sith, and talk to other Force Users as well (which might keep me on track).

3. What keeps you from focusing on it?

What keeps me from focusing on my Path? Everything.

It’s my other priorities…the fact that my mind focuses more on the three most important things in my life: Taz, Love, and Food. Seriously. When I am not completely involved with one of those three things, chances are, I will focus on one of my other priorities…and following my Path or becoming more involved with it becomes lost between Gaming, YouTubing, or being mopey because I’m lonely and homesick.  This path for me is something I never lose sight of…it’s always there. It’s like the AION icon on my desktop. I like the game, but I take long breaks from it, then come back for about a week, and then leave again, and the cycle then continues.

4. What would it take for you to make your life work?

Peace of mind and heart…it may sound silly, but my life is in a constant shambles because of my fears and insecurities. It is something I am in a constant battle with and mastery over these things is a lot harder than anything I have ever had to do in my life. For example…right now, I’m worried about my future…specifically my future with Taz. In November I have to pull off another job transfer back to the States, assuming I can be near Taz (wherever they send her), I also have to sell my stocks, find a new place to live, basically build this new life for one year before doing it all over again and settle somewhere.

I have so many options right now and so many possibilities of things that COULD happen that I don’t have time to be at peace with myself. I worry about my future in life, my future in love (ß mostly this one), I worry about this, that, and the other thing. And with all this worrying, my life doesn’t really come together like the pieces should…the gears are all shapes and sizes and don’t spin at the same time. So for my life to work I need assurance…I need a way to know things will be okay, I need to be settled and not constantly moved around and lost in limbo of uncertainty. Then I can be at peace, then I can focus more on other things like my spiritual self and my Path…this is my thought at least.

What would allow it to be a life of ease joy and glory ?

The life of ease I mentioned above…I need to be settles and assured. I need for things to work out and then be done with the limbo of uncertainty which constantly clouds my life. AS for joy…well that’s easy. Love makes me happy, being with the one I love makes me happy. Making my love happy makes me happy. It’s simple really…and being happy with myself. Well, that would make me happy too.

But as for the glory part…I want to do something important, meaningful, and righteous. I want to be a hero in the eyes of someone, a protector, a warrior. Don’t ask me how to achieve this because I really do not know. But, that, for me…that would be glory. That is what I think when I hear the word ‘glory’, and just thinking about being that person makes my chest swell with PRIDE!

—–

So yeah…that’s basically where I am at right now. I was not a three-day-monk, but I’m def not the most eager person to get up in ranks with the other Jedi Knights and dedicate my life to the Light. There is still a lot I have yet to overcome, still a lot I am discovering about myself…my needs and wants, and also discovering new things about the world around me.

I am hoping that this “Force Talk” will really help me discover more of myself and move me in the right direction…and if not, I gave something new a shot and was doing it (at least) for all the right reasons.

Until the next one then:

Force Talk on Youtube: HERE

Facebook Page: HERE

Blog: HERE

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