Being Jedi. Am I doing it wrong?

Posted: October 27, 2013 in Asking Advice?, Ranting/Venting

Sith_symbol_for_the_jedi

…so a Jedi Knight posted this article on Facebook and was so excited that the Jedi had been mentioned. The article may take Jedi in a more joking fashion, but it is a very interesting read and I really enjoyed the 3 pages on discussion over religions made from books and movies: http://www.details.com/culture-trends/critical-eye/201311/star-wars-religion-church-of-jedi

Lately I feel as though I have again hit a stand-still. Jedi-Realism is just something that I come to every once in awhile when I feel as though I have nowhere else to run, no place left to turn…and it’s sad because this is not where I imagined that I would be.

I came to Jedi-Realism through sheer boredom, and in fact, most people actually do. I relate to the Veteran in the article as I had gone through being Catholic, then Baptist, then Wiccan when I had finally just given up on religion altogether. I felt like there was nothing out there that fit my lifestyle, my personal beliefs, anything. I felt like every other religion that I tried was too restricting…I had been researching religions for so long, and finally, one day, a lesson from theology came back to me— and as I was looking through the movies on my shelf and saw the Star Wars trilogy on VHS I wondered.”Are there really Jedi?”

First thing I did after that was I ran to my laptop, cracked it open, and googled as much information as I could on people who considered themselves real-life Jedi. That’s where I found the Jedi Church (http://www.jedichurch.org/).
This website was more of an information board than anything, but it kinda pointed me in the right direction for where I thought I wanted to go. It gave me the basics of what it meant to be a Jedi, what all could be achieved from this type of lifestyle, and, by the time that I was finished reading I was so inspired that I had donated $20 to the church, had run off to Facebook to see if there was a group (there was), and that’s where this long journey began…

The Facebook Group was really something special to me (at first). It was a place to discuss the mysteries of the universe, really speak with intellectuals on deeper issues, and I felt like I fit right in. But, there was still something nagging at me. The group itself seemed to lack..’teaching’. It’s as if you joined the page, was automatically a Jedi and there was nothing more you could do to advance yourself in the spiritual society. Later on, I started asking for someone to mentor me, to be my Master. I talked with a few people…and then ultimately I always came up empty-handed because all the Masters willing to take on an Apprentice wanted to work with their pupil in person, and for me, they were so far away that this was never an option.
I then started asking about group websites where I could learn under someone or find courses on being a Jedi. I wanted to ascend to Knighthood, I wanted to be a Knight, to be enlightened, to share my wisdom with others looking for the Path. That’s where Jax came in.

I believe it started as a discussion on mere jewelry, the fact that Master Jax made meditation beads and such. But eventually I was led to the Institute for Jedi-Realist Studies (http://instituteforjedirealiststudies.org and oftentimes shortened to IJRS) where new oportunities now opened for me. Here I had courses I could take to advance myself spiritually, here I finally had the resources that I needed and that I wanted. I had a way to achieve my goal…but I shied away from it.
Mostly it was because I was battling with many things at the time. My partner was going into the Army and I did not have the extra time to be spending on these courses when I had such a limited time left with her. Instead, when my partner finally left for Basic and such, I finally took that first step, did the Introductory Course…and plunged myself into that world of being Jedi.

Long story short…I have not completed a course. Every time I try and sit down to make it happen, something always pulls me away. It’s like I’m always making an excuse as to why I cannot complete the things that are asked of me. Others did an assignment every night, or one every week. I know that the instructors said keeping a schedule was key…but my life never runs on a schedule. I never go to bed at the same time. I have 2 weeks where I work early shift and 2 weeks where I am working evenings. I have days where I have errands, and then days where I just want to relax and watch funny videos on YouTube.
I changed countries, and the last thing i feel like doing is going out and trying to help in aΒ  community where I do not even speak their own language.

I find challenges and obstacles everywhere on this path…and I feel as though no one has had this much trouble on this path but me. Not only do I find excuses, but there was a time when I was just so fed up with things I did not agree with that I decided to research a DarkSide to what I had been learning, thinking maybe that was the solution to my problem. I decided to become Sith.

At first I did not want to become Sith so much as I was looking into the Sith Academy to see if they were any real threat to the world or the Jedi…but then I got interested…and I wanted to learn more.

Through the Sith Academy I gained recognition fast. The fact that I had posed as a male to join and had pulled it off until a certain “Skype meeting” for minions instantly made me the pet of one the Sith Lords named Ravenus.
I was a spy (in a weird sense), I planted memes and propaganda for him, I advanced in ranks quickly. I joined their cyber Army, then was promoted to a Master. Then as I started showing my knowledge in all the different Religions I had studied, teaching others of their ‘enemies’, and putting off insults from other Masters as mere childs-play (and also completing missions for Ravenus), in no time at all I had even advanced to Sith Lord.
I even ran the site for awhile and was to be promoted to Prophet…but that’s when things fell apart.

I joined SA and stayed with them because I believed in their vision. I believed in a vision of a world that would never know peace, and thus, its people had to look deep inside themselves and awaken the strength and passion to defend what was theirs. I wanted people to be able to fight for themselves to save themselves against any menace that would try and take their treasures from them…things like land, things like loved…anything really. This was what the Sith believed at the time, this was how I took their message. I took their message as the world was weak and we need to learn to defend ourselves. We need to condition the people of this world to be warriors and to fight. I agreed with this and this alone…but all of that was just some weird joke to them.

The main Prophet and ruler of the Site…the man responsible for the Omega Vision and the vision of Endarkenment named Imperius…he had been gone for so long, and with his return came the brutal truth. “There is no Omega. It was a lie.”
In a sense, I knew that the vision could have not been true. It was too odd and too otherworldly for me to truly believe…BUT, I had thought that Imperius believed it enough that he would get results, he would make things happen and put together something grand.

As some other people did (people I actually respected), I put my thoughts out there about how I did not like this recent development in the ways of the Sith that were studying at Sith Academy. I also skyped with Ravenus about these concerns, and, he assured me that he would take control of Sith Academy and that all would be well. As one of the most spiritual at SA, I believed him…but things turned for the worst.

SA became nothing more than a con…a business model of people being trained in business to gather partners for massive amounts of money and donations to the idea that Edarkenment was coming and the Sith were the only ones who would survive. Suddenly the whole site became about weapons development and space exploration to take control of other planets and use them as bases and blah, blah, blah. Suddenly it really was all about command and conquer and not about what we had originally been teaching. With 2 apprentices under my wing and a site that was falling to ruins because anymore it was nothing other than a scam…I wrote one final blog post, gave up my title as a Sith Lord, and left.

I would later join TotSO as a “Dark Lady”…but that site would too fall and so I was left in the dark again, not knowing where to go. So…with my newfound beliefs in what lay in the dark and then my holding beliefs of what I agreed with about the light, I decided that my specific being was somewhere in the middle of the two, I was part of a different breed, a different balance…and I claimed myself Shadow Jedi.
Most people took this title with a cringe…but we each have our own path, and I seriously think that this is where I am meant to be.

Still…working now on courses in TotJO and IJRS, there are times that I feel like a Jedi failure. While the Religion and Lifestyle itself is what you make of it….while it gives you freedom of choice to explore the faith as you will and make of it whatever you want…still, I feel like my path has grown thin as I pass over a pit, and that I am slowly losing my balance.
I am in need of guidance. Where do I go from here?

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Comments
  1. butchjax says:

    I’m on my phone so I’ll be brief for now.
    1. Does it actually help to compare yourself to what you think others are doing? Because I know how rare it is for someone to complete a course. πŸ˜‰
    2. What do you feel commitment to a path looks like? Have you actually committed to the Jedi path?
    3. What keeps you from focusing on it?
    4. What would it take for you to make your life work? What would allow it to be a life of ease joy and glory ? Note that doesn’t mean challenges and negativity don’t exist, but you handle them with ease. There may not be an answer to this question that comes in words. But there is an energetic answer.

  2. butchjax says:

    And once you start to understand what committing means, consider how you would walk the path if you couldn’t fail or do it wrong.

  3. You’re always welcome at the Order of the Sith.

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