P101- 9

Posted: October 26, 2013 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long

Personal 101

Lesson 9 — Emotions

So I would like to start off this assignment by saying that I agree with the sentence: “Suppression of your emotions is what leads to the DarkSide”. Previous experiences as being a Lord among those who consider themselves Sith (but who take it far more off course then how I would personally imagine it), I know for a fact that they teach emotional suppression very early on.
They preach about passion and using passion as a power, but yet, when it comes to speaking the mind through emotions that act before anything else, they shun that behavior, mock that behavior, and verbally try to (basically) exorcise that behavior from your being.

                This was another of the many reasons why I left the Sith Academy. While there were people there whom I knew I could trust and (perhaps) could truly learn something useful from, I knew that an Army without emotions as guidance, was  a blind one. An Army that lacked the ability to look inside themselves for the answers first was a weak one bound to fail and fall. I just did not want to be in that position of weakness and powerlessness. Being an empathy I pick up on so many emotions, but mine…the ones that truly speak to me above all else have guided me through so much and that hinting, those feelings that something wasn’t right, I would never trade that even for what people said was the most powerful weapon or armor on the Earth.

…yeah. Just had to put that out there.

Please tell the story of who you are as an emotional being. Do you find yourself swinging between emotions frequently like a roller coaster, or are you more consistently in a small range of emotions?

 

            This answer really changes week-by-week for me. As a child I was always switching between emotions like a rollercoaster. I felt as though I did not have control of myself. I know I was suffering from many things that still plague me today: my depression, my anxiety, constant paranoia, and etc. but the worst part was that I also felt as though I was picking up emotions from everyone else around me. When my Mother was upset and wanted to punish me, I reflected and felt like she was the one that needed the punishing. I felt like an emotional mirror. Even today, I sometimes have those days, especially with the girl I’m in love with…when I see her so angry and so hateful especially towards me, I begin reflecting and wanting to push it all back at her, show her that side that she is revealing to me because I feel as though I can’t do anything else.

            But most days…most days I am in a constant range of emotions. But, mine does not follow the scale…at least, I don’t follow it step-by-step. My range of emotions might be constant, but they take such large leaps from phase to phase that it can be really…painful, I can go from hopeful to crushed and then it’s like I hit the floor and suddenly don’t have the power to get up. Some days my constant range can go from contempt to overjoyed and then back to contempt. Other days I can go from being depressed, then to angry, and then complacent only to wind back up at depressed. I feel as though I can control this sometimes, stop from progressing downwards when I focus energy elsewhere from the things that would move me down a stage…and sometimes I cannot not even begin to try because I’m not sure how, or I have already made that leap and now, I’m stuck in some cycle.

            I’m aware of my emotions…always have been. But controlling them…that’s one of the things that brought me to Jedi Realism (and The Force in general) in the first place.

 

Would you say you typically feel more ―positive or ―negative emotions?

                It is sad, but, I have always felt more negative emotions. When I was young, these emotions were anger, hatred, and worthlessness. I was a raging lunatic of a child, a firecracker when it came to my temper. It all blew up in a matter of seconds and then the smoke would linger for a little while as well as the evidence of the blast. Now in my adult years, I’m not suffering the same as I was as a child. I am no longer being abused, verbally, physically, etc.
It’s not that I feel worthless anymore…I know I have to be worth something to someone out there. But where the anger was, now there is just the depression. Where the hatred was, now there is just the constant questioning and worry, and where the worthlessness was, now I’m feeling things like hopelessness instead. These issues range from many different things…they range from the fact that I am always worrying about my future. I don’t like it when people tell me that what is meant to be will happen because those things can either be really good or really bad and then fear the things that are really bad.

                My depression and hopelessness often comes from my relationship…or what’s left of it anyways. I give so much and am left with so little answers or leads of what is to come later from it all, if anything. It gets me down…I won’t go much into detail, but love has always been my motivation. It’s the one thing that I respond to most. Some people respond to writing, some people to doing their favorite hobby or playing their favorite sport. Mine is love…mine is emotionally connecting to a person and being able to love them to have them love me, to feel their positive emotions flowing through me so I am reflecting something just as beautiful as what they are giving me (if that even makes sense). Again…I feel like a mirror because my emotions may stand out as my own, but other emotions have always been so loud and so competitive, battling against what is me, my subconscious, and my mind that reflecting something almost becomes like a part of me, and I respond to those signals. If someone else is being happy for me I am happy for them. If someone else is loving me (and assuming I already liked them and we are compatible), then I am loving them back…not just reflecting it, but adding in my own emotions to create this amplified experience. I guess that’s why emotions can be so difficult for me…because I get twice the amount of what I want or what I even need.

When you do feel ―negative emotions, how do you typically reach those more ―positive emotions? Is this a conscious process for you?

 

                When I start to feel the negative emotions creeping up on me, and I get that tightening in the chest and other discomforts, then I try to figure out the problem first. I try and figure out what my body is telling me, and it is the sense of knowing what the problem is that can at least make me contempt, and get me above the “angry” stage at the least (and it keeps me from sinking into a depression). I generally do not strive for positive emotions that seem to out of reach…so I settle for something that’s a little better than laying in bed and moping all day.

                Consciously I try and run from the feeling…drown it out with other stimuli such as reading, drawing, writing, or playing video games. I watch YouTube and do other things I love that I know makes me smile so I am distracted from these emotions for a while. Even if it’s only a temporary solution, for that time in which I am not in a pit, I can say that I am feeling things like happiness and that it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing to try and solve this issue. I’m not really sure what else I could do other than talk with friends and try and put a smile on my face. Sometimes the negative emotions that I feel are things that I think cannot be confronted at the time being and/or I have not come up with a strategy to confront these things yet…so, I do the alternative and try and wait out the storm because the sun always comes out eventually.

 

Finally, has your perspective on emotions changed after reading this lecture? Why or why not? Please be specific

 

                This passage on emotions was not all that new to me. The scale was very interesting, and I guess I always knew it functioned on something that looked like that, but it’s never something I would have tried to look into or investigate. I always knew that my emotions were an indicator of something that was either wrong or right. My only problem is that, I tend to follow these hunches blindly, rather than taking things a little slower and still trying to think things through logically and combine the process in order to get the greatest results. Emotions for me are a type of power, they are a type of passion in themselves that can both be admired and feared. I know they are a shield against the dangers in this world, but they can also be one of the most deadly weapons out there…and need to be harnessed and embraced with extreme caution and care.

                I have been there…suppressing my emotions and watching them explode like an atom bomb. I have seen the destruction this behavior can cause, and I will never be there again. I will never do it again.

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