P101- 10

Posted: October 26, 2013 in IJRS Courses

Amelia Long
Personal 101
Lesson 10 — Living in the Present

…it is well to avoid the tendency to catastrophize.

Stop worrying about all that could occur tomorrow.

You are getting agitated about things that haven’t

happened yet…and may never happen.

Stay here, right here, in this moment. What is going on

right now…what is occurring right here…? That is all

that matters. That is where your life is being lived.

This quote right here really hit me. I will admit that I actually started crying.
Soooo…where do I start? The person I love, well, she mentioned marriage about a month ago to me. I was so overjoyed that I burst into tears and was laughing and so giddy I felt I would bust. I was finally hearing the words I had waited so long for her to say, just to hear how she felt about being with me forever and to know that I was the one she was considering spending the rest of her life with. But…things have not been working out.

                Suddenly, everything on her end is going wrong. The distance is too much, I am too much to deal with, she fears things that she might do later on to ruin us, she is not ready for a forever-future and might never be, and lastly, she says we probably wont be together until we are living in the same household again. Anymore I wear a smile for her and pretend like I am fine because she gets mad otherwise…but I am tearing myself apart. My memories of the past and how happy I was are colliding with shadows of people that don’t exist…shadows of people that might be with her in the future, that might get to share in that happiness which is that amazing love she provides instead of me.

                She already told me she has no plans of seeing other people, and at the moment, no one else is involved or even close to being involved. But I can’t help it…
I am seeing a future alone. I future where I am attending her wedding and I’m not the bride. A future where I have not been able to move on and she is happy without me. I’m seeing a future where I can’t be her friend without being in some sort of constant pain and it has been breaking me down, coming together and self-destructing every bit of improvement that I thought I had been making over the last 8 months or so.

                She literally told me the other day to: “Just be happy. Be happy with the time you have with me now instead of ruining it over something that has not even happened. If you waste this time, then even if that future does happen, you never got to experience the joy you could have been having otherwise.”

But…no matter how hard I try, living in the now has always been something I have had trouble with. I am a dreamer. I look back at the past because it bring me happiness, it makes me laugh, and I love sharing those memories with others because it makes them laugh as well. There are times I like to look back at so that my chest can swell with pride with over how much I have overcome (a lot of those things will be in my short story called “Define Success”—if I ever start writing it). Lastly, while I am in love with the past, I am terrified of the future. While people can sit there and daydream about one that is bright and happy, I instantly fear the worst, see all the variables and things left unknown and undetermined and it unnerves me, terrifies me, gives me nightmares, and has me at something of a standstill. I guess I’m just not sure how to move forward, how to work on this issue, and how to just be happy without knowing.

                It’s something I no longer bring to people’s attention because they merely say: “Get over it” as if there is some simple solution to this issue that I’m just not seeing…it’s just a problem I am not sure how to solve. And I feel like it will keep me from achieving my goals as a Jedi and as a person in general.

Thank you for taking the time to read through all this. 😦

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