Thinking hard about the Future.

Posted: July 16, 2013 in Asking Advice?, Diet & Exercise, Ranting/Venting

I think one of the things that tends to scare me most is the fact that I have no idea where I am going in life. A part of me knows where I want to be in the end (financially stable with a house and enough money in order to raise a child), but it’s just the matter of getting there.

I went to College for about 2 years, switching between 2 different double majors (Psychology/Human Services , Music Therapy/Human Services), but really, in the end, I had only picked these professions because my parents said the money would be good, I could do private practice and then get rid of my school loans. But, these choices in majors and these paths just did not feel right…they did not make me happy.
So, I ended up abandoning College to try and take some time to figure myself out. I went back to College for a short time to try and get my General Education, but stopped that due to my move from Terre Haute to Indianapolis. Once in Indianapolis I took another class for Human Services (paying out of pocket) which was just a waste of time and a waste of money because, again, this was not something that was making me happy.

Now at the age of 22 and $12,000 dollars of debt later, I am starting to get really anxious about my future. I know that I need to do something with my life, that I need a direction, but, I’m just not sure what direction that I want to go in.

I know that when it comes to school that my passion is in Radio. Radio was something I grew up with, it’s something that I love to do, and I feel like with enough work, I could be a really talented entertainer like my Father.
But, my Father always discouraged me from following in his footsteps because Radio does not make a lot of money. But, I feel like money is not an issue as long as passion is involved, as long as you are happy with the work you are doing. Besides…with a partner by my side in aย  strong committed relationship, hopefully I would not have to bring in loads of money because I would have someone to split the bills, and we could budget our earnings equally.

I was also thinking about doing a second major (or even minor) in Journalism. This would be great really because, I love to write. What I would really like to do is write columns for things that I enjoy—such as doing gaming magazines, articles on Airsoft, or even doing columns on alternative religions and left-handed spirituality—things that interest me, things I can be passionate about and not hold back on.

Alright…so I’m thinking that I have school figured out. But what about after that? How am I going to get back to school? where am I going to live? how am I going to earn money to continue paying off my loans while I go back to school? what about the loans I will accumulate as I go back to school? How long will those take to pay off? How will I manage that if I want a house and kids?
I know people in their 50’s and 60’s still paying off school loans. But really, that’s not how I want to be. I know that going to school for free is basically out of the question, and while grant money is available, it never is much. I could work at Amazon part-time while I go to school, but doing that, I would only be able to go to school part-time and it would take me longer to get my degree that way. Also, working would hinder my studying methinks…I’m not the type that can function under physical exhaustion, and working at Amazon (let alone any warehouse) is anything but a piece of cake :/

…I mean, I could move back in with my Mother for a time, got to ISU, get my Dad’s allumni grant/scholarship, and begin my degree in radio and journalism. But even then I would need some sort of money for gas, to help with food, to help my Mom with bills, and for things like a phone, car insurance, and then to keep paying off my loans.
That would place me at SonyDADC (warehouse where I got fired because thy messed up my clock-in-times) where hours are not guaranteed and you barely work a solid 20 hours per 3 days.

….then I have my other options.


As I have mentioned before, I am all about glory and honor. I always felt as though I had so much more to offer the world if only I was given the opportunity. I have often mentioned how I envy Taz (my partner) as a Soldier, because, she is doing something that I was never able to accomplish. I was going to join the military and then made up a bunch of excuses of why I could not go.
Granted…a know a part of it was my family looking down on my decision to join, and I know part of it did have to do with depression (my ex-fiance leaving me and me being a typical high-schooler and thinking it was the end of the world and that I might die from heartbreak)…but even then, I know that a majority of it was just a handful of excuses. I did not want to do the exercise to go // I wasn’t losing the weight as quickly as I wanted // I felt alone in the journey to better myself physically and mentally // I was worried about failure // the thought of being away from my comfort zone (being my Mom’s house and my room in general) at that time scared me…and lastly, I felt like I did not have the resources to do this thing, to go military, being out in the boonies with no car or anything, I felt like I was not going to be prepared enough to go and do what I had to do.

Then I met Taz, and she was going AirForce…and I hated it because she was doing those things that I had refused to do. She was doing the exercises, losing the weight…she was accomplishing something. When she quit the AirForce, I felt better because she too had dropped out of it because she felt like she had found something that offered her more (I felt that College could offer me more than the military…and my college of choice ended up being a joke really). I felt better…much better.
But then, she went Army. She went Active Duty, she completed BMT and AIT…sure she hates the military and all its bullshit, but she gets to wear the uniform, she really accomplished something, and whether or not she sees it, I do. I know how much of an honor it must be to be a soldier. To have people constantly thanking you for your service, even if you do the smallest of tasks.

you have a system that keeps you on track of life, keeps you fit physically and mentally. You have something always there to help you and support you…you have a bond, a brotherhood, and such a close friendship with those who completed the same trials as you…its absurd. And I envy it.
I went to an all-girls college for the sisterhood…and I was the odd one out. I joined groups in school for that bond and brotherhood…and I was the odd one out. But in the military it’s different. Doesnt matter who you are…your company is your family, your battle-buddies are aย  reflection of yourself and they always come first.

Wow…this has turned into a rant about jealousy. lol.

What I’m getting to is…
One of my friends bought up being in the National Guard. Cut-off age for the Guard is 35 and with me being back in the States within 2-3 years, he basically said this would be the perfect opportunity to get into shape, lose the weight, and do what I never got to do before.
Then I could lose my jealousy, then I would have a job while I went to school. Then my loan problems would not be as big of a deal because of the GI Bill and other such things. So it really has me thinking…what should I do?

Already I find myself making excuses over this because the firs thing I thought of when he mentioned the Guard…the first thing I thought of was how it was going to affect my relationship. Say that Taz and I are together again for the time being, but we are not married…while her and I may have made it through her BMT and AIT, it was not without struggles.
Plus, with a lot of bad influences (meaning friends of hers that I consider sleezy liars and I hate them) living so close to her while I’m gone, well, I’m not really painting a really pretty picture in my head, you know? Same with AIT. Sure there will be more connection (being able to use phones and the computer), but it would still be complicated, especially if she chose not to come and visit me.

Still…the feeling of accomplishment, to be a part of something important, to better myself physically and mentally, to serve my country, to help myself with my education, to be able to stay home and get paid for training without the constant struggle of trying to do school and warehouse work…to finally be proud of myself and be able to lose the regret. Is that better than love? Should that stand over love?
Love is my true weakness if anything…that and low self-esteem. But seriously…am I giving up a good thing because I fear losing love and fear losing Taz? Should it not matter to lose her if it means I can still have a rich future and a better life?

Naturally I still feel failure if I try this thing. I’m scared of heights, can’t do a pull-up (never have been able to) // I don’t know how to climb a rope (which is terrible too)—I might get deployed even as someone in the Guard (which again would relate to distance and stress). But I need an unbiased opinion on this one: I am interested in the Guard. I am interested in going military if I can get as physically fit as I want to be.
But…I also love Taz. Granted, if we do not get back together then there should be nothing holding me back from doing this thing, but, if we do get back together and maybe get married, then what? Would YOU personally (if you were in my shoes) go for the dream and not worry about the love // would you choose having the better future over the cloudy one full of loans and complications? Or would you choose loving someone and not risking losing them?

My last option (of course) is Police Academy.
This is something I have also been interested in, and I was training really hard for it before Taz mentioned that she was moving to Germany. On a treadmill I was able to run a little over a mile and half (I know treadmills are different from actual running, but you have to know that this was a huge accomplishment for me), and I was doing push-ups every day and got up to a good 15 before I left for Germany (now I’m lucky if I can do 5).

Police Academy would also offer the accomplishment, I would get to stay home, I would get education benefits later, I would get a job on the Police Force, but I would always be away from home because being part of the Police is a very demanding job (my Uncle is part of the Force, so I know).

So yeah….ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!

  1. You may not have a use for my advice, but since advice was asked for at the end… only make college a part of the equation if it’s a means you want to use to achieve your ends. I, personally, have yet to find a reason to attend, and I’m about the same age as you. Fact is, these days most graduates aren’t guaranteed a job or career just because they’ve got a degree, and there have always been ways to be successful in most fields without it. So there’s that to consider.

    Another thing is, and this for me ties into why I haven’t bothered with college, the passion. You touched on it, and I’d agree that it’s important. Paramount, actually. And depending on the intensity of it, and the longevity… you can make as much money as you need to, because like you said, it wouldn’t be so much about that. In my own case, I haven’t gone to college because I’m not exactly sure what to direct my life towards being, specifically, career wise, five, ten, or twenty years down the line. Not yet anyways. So there’s no passion, not for a specific line of work yet, and by extension, *certainly* not for college.

    With no motivation, I burn out, and I’ve watched others prove for me through their own experiences that it’s not just me. A close friend of mine took the past year off of college because she had no specific end the education was serving to reach, no specific passion she was being pulled towards, and she burnt out.

    Really though, what it comes down to in my mind is… you’ve got to strip things down, get to the really basic, essentials of your desires, affinities… passion. There’a a difference between an ‘acceptable’ choice that doesn’t make you happy, as you say, and a calling. If radio is your calling, then with or without school that’d be the direction to take. If something else tugs at you, pulls at you, more than that… well, you get the idea. That’s the gist of my advice haha.

    Not sure if it will help you at all, but there’s a couple cents from me, for what they’re worth. Take them or leave them as you please ๐Ÿ˜‰ .

    • element02 says:

      I truly appreciate those ‘cents’. I ask for them in hopes to have someone reply whether they think they have good advice or no.
      See my passion lies in many things, and that is a huge issue. But yes…I attended College for a little over 2 years, and all I got out of it was debt. School does not drive me, especially when I am not working towards something I am passionate about.

      Radio is something I would love to do, but even with a degree, a job would be hard to come by and the money would not be great. My Dad has been over 13 years in Radio and I made more than him working at Amazon.

      Still, Military is a career…it’s a place where I can learn things, specialize in things, always have a place and a purpose. I don’t know…the only thing holding me back is my lack of motivation for exercise, my fear of failure, and then the issue with my relationship that I mentioned as well. Otherwise I would be 100% for this option to go Army National Guard.

  2. butchjax says:

    One thing to realize is there are many things you can do without the degree. Your interests are in areas that are changing drastically. You can do radio without a degree. You can write without a degree. Right now there are many ways to be a freelance writer, which you can do from Germany. I know a few people who do that.

    One thing that stands out is you were thinking through things – which is beneficial – but you need more choices right now. And that requires asking questions. Go back to the Access book and refresh your memory on tools. Start asking questions, and the exact opportunities you need will open up to you. It may be in ways you never even imagined, but by asking questions you allowed them to come into your life.

    There’s no rush. And there’s not going to be a roadmap in front of you. If lucky you’ll see a few steps in front of you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Do you remember that meditation we did ages ago, imagining the life you desire, drawing in energy from the whole universe that supports that life, and then letting little tendrils of energy go back out to everyone that will help you get there? Do this often, it will attune you to what you desire and will remind you what that future feels like so you know where to go. Also, each time you do it you’re reinforcing that pathway, making it easier to walk. ๐Ÿ™‚

    And of course, I second what Draconis said. Good advice there.

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