A blog on Patience and Fear

Posted: June 27, 2013 in Asking Advice?, Ranting/Venting

So…I thought I would take the time to really go over the things that have been plaguing me with really bad energy and etc. The things that really shake me and keep it so that I have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, and etc.

Those things are fear and patience. Now, both of those things seem to be at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to the Force. In Sithism, fear is something you cannot feel because it is a weakness, fear is a tool that you use to bring about chaos and it is then a type of power for you; a tool. Then you have patience which is mostly noted in Jedi-Realism. Patience is a virtue, and in Jedi-Realism, patience will be key in almost everything you do. When deal with a complicated situation when trying to keep a level head, when meditating, when helping others, patience is always key.

Well…on the patience side of things, I have already mentioned before how I am getting evicted from my flat in Germany. Rather than communicate her issues to me, my roommate took me aside and said that I had 2 months to find another place because we did not live well together and had very separate interests. The eviction itself put me on edge around her and caused me to hate even being in the same house at the same time…but lately, she has been testing my patience to the MAX!

She always said that if she had someone over to look at my room, she would let me know a whole day ahead of time (let me know in advance) so that I could get everything straightened up and etc. Well, yesterday she had 3 people over…but, I had fair warning, so that was fine. What was NOT fine was her coming in, moving around my stuff, then cleaning up even more, knocking paint chips off my wall so that I stepped on them in the dark and then had to pull them out of my socks when I got a painful stab in the bottom of my foot. What is NOT okay is leaving a sticky note on my door that says that there will be another person coming to view my room at NOON the next day, when I just arrived home from work, it is 2am, and I sleep until 11am at the least. What is NOT okay is waking up at 6am and cleaning the whole house, making a ton of noise by sweeping, slamming doors, and talking on the phone as loudly as possible when said-person is trying to sleep.

THAT IS NOT OKAY!

I seriously want to yell at her and call her every rude name in the book. I want her to know how she has treated me since I have lived here (which has not been very nice) because she deserves to hear how much of an awful and unbearable person she is to freakin’ live with. The only reason I have NEVER expressed my true feelings towards her is because I did not want to start conflict…she has her way of living, I have mine. Still, it bugs me that this will be the 8th person she has had through to see the room. Taz will be over this weekend, and really, I do not want her bringing in people all weekend when I’m trying to spend quality time with the person that I love.

…but moving on to the fear part:

On my “Personal 101 Lesson 8” for the Institute of Jedi-Realist Studies, I discussed  how I nearly got raped by a man just last week. It was something that started off as a normal situation, and then my stupidity (if you want to call it that) was what put me into that corner to where the worst could have happened. To summarize this: A man was on the night bus with me, he then said that my street did not look trustworthy and he wanted to walk me home (because we only live 2 blocks from each other). My inability to tell this man know (because I figured he was being sincere) led me to let him walk me home. Then he tried to kiss me at my door, had hold of my arms, and I was one step away from beating the shit out of him when a lady from my flat threatened to call the Police if he did not go away.

Okay…so I know how to defend myself. I would have beaten him up, I would have yelled, and punched, and bit, and everything else until he let me go, it’s not as if I am helpless. But that situation literally scared me because it was something I had never experienced before. I am a person who accepts that there are things in this world that still scare me. The thought of ending up alone scares me, the thought that maybe there is nothingness after death and that we cease to exist…THAT scares me. In a sense, walking in the dark scares me—not because I think there are monsters, but because there are shady people at night, and the only true monsters are ourselves.

THAT’s why all of that scares me. Some might scoff because, being someone who has studied the Dark Side and carries such a high title in such…well surely, to others, they should not be afraid of anything. But, what people seem to forget is that a lot of those people who are on the path of darkness…well, they are wearing a mask. We are all human, and we all have our weaknesses. There is not a way in which we can eradicate all of our fears, all of the things that cause us stress and anxiety. There is not a single person that never loses their patience or never lets their tongue slip out of agitation or otherwise. To say that this is possible to make possible the idea of perfection…and perfection (as we know it) is impossible to achieve.

But while most Jedi will admit to their weaknesses and their flaws, the Sith tend to hide from it, to wear a mask to shadow it. They pretend as though their training has made them into the ultimate tool for chaos and destruction…and this is why I had to leave SA (one of the many reasons). Too many people hiding behind masks, afraid to admit to their own flaws as a human…afraid to actually have to admit that they still have obstacles to overcome. That’s why at “TOTSO” and “The New Sith Order” I feel like there may still be hope for the likes of the Sith Ideology and way of living.

Still…I do have to ask this:

What are the best ways to deal with fear and anxiety?
Tonight I will be riding the night bus again and find myself fearful for what might happen if that man just happens to ride again.

Lastly: How does one deal with lack of patience and violent thoughts towards others?
While I would never hurt anyone just because they make me angry, the feeling to serious inflict physical pain on my current roommate when she is being really nasty towards me still arises. It seems I still hold much of the fire of hate and anger that I did as a child when I was being abused, and I really need help in controlling this part of me. I’d rather not eradicate it as I find it to be instinctive and something of a defensive mechanism, but I would at least like a way to keep it in check.

Help?

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Comments
  1. “But while most Jedi will admit to their weaknesses and their flaws, the Sith tend to hide from it, to wear a mask to shadow it.”

    That’s true, of the schools of thought you’re familiar with, but not so much with others. Imo, fear is not a weakness at all (nothing is exclusively, but least of all an emotion). One thing I think is sorely misunderstood about the Sith Academy is that their ideology is, well, infantile (and that’s not to be rude, it’s just that many of us have been at the stage of development they tend to focus on, and have grown beyond it). Fear can be a weakness, but one of the ways it becomes one is in hiding it (especially from oneself). The other sites you mention are perhaps better in some ways, but there again, they’re relatively new, untried, and in the earlier stages of ideological development.

    “What are the best ways to deal with fear and anxiety?
    Tonight I will be riding the night bus again and find myself fearful for what might happen if that man just happens to ride again.”
    I daren’t try to give a specific answer to this, but I’d like to give you an answer from another school of thought, broad though it may be: the best way I have found to deal with them is in acknowledging and embracing it, but not allow it to dictate what you want or do; let it ride along, let it back seat drive and offer advice, because emotions are never wrong and they’ve always got your best interests at heart… but don’t let it drive. How you express it? You can hide it, or wear it on your sleeve, it’s really up to you; the important thing is to be honest with yourself about what you feel.

    Apologies for the tangent, but I thought a different perspective might be helpful 🙂 .

  2. “I’d rather not eradicate it as I find it to be instinctive and something of a defensive mechanism, but I would at least like a way to keep it in check.”
    Maybe you should let off on trying to control it (and other things), and simply allow them to be, listen to them, and make sure that if your putting their “advice” to use, whether it’s that of an urge, a thought, or an emotion, that you’re doing so with your head. There’s a certain way of looking at it: marriage. The marriage of passion and reason, of head and heart. Not control from one side or the other, but a complimentary (and, hell, sometimes dissonant) relationship between the two.

    • element02 says:

      I agree with what you said earlier about the way SA handles their belief system and ideology. I find that unlike other places they were very close-minded in a religious system that was supposed to promote free thought and the ability to be flexible as both a religion and a lifestyle…and unlike those who ar considered enlightened and endarkened, they seemed stuck in a phase in which most people were able to move past as they became more knowledgeable in the ways of the Dark Side.
      Still, as mentioned, The New Sith Order and TOTSO give me hope for new things and new teachings…a better way than what SA has been trying to brainwash people with.

      Either way, thank you for the comment and for the advice. 🙂

  3. butchjax says:

    The roommate situation is the same as the bus situation. You need to find a way to be confident, to set boundaries, and to communicate without ir being when you’re so angry you just go off.

    What do you fear about speaking up?

    • element02 says:

      I fear the negative reaction, the backlash of my telling people what I think. I am assuming what the outcome will be before the event even takes place and I would rather NOT deal with the conflict.
      I know my roommate, she would want to argue and tell me how stupid and childish I am and that I know nothing because I’m just an uneducated, rude, American (according to her)…
      I just really don’t want to hear it because I have a quick tongue, and I fear going too far in my own defense, switching to an offensive where this is no turning back from.

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