P101-8

Posted: June 24, 2013 in Asking Advice?, IJRS Courses

IJRS Studies:

Amelia Long – Lesson 8: Responsible Selfishness

1.)  Have you ever found yourself being pulled in every direction at

once? Do you spend your time wishing you could do what you want to do, but are always doing something for someone else?

Are your responsibilities keeping you from your deepest desires? Why do you think this is?

 

— There have been many times were I found myself being pulled in several different directions. Not merely because I was trying to help someone, this could be in many different lights. I have been pulled in different directions when friends and family are fighting with each other, relationships tend to have me feeling stretched all over the place, and sometimes the occasional ‘help’ that I hand out has me pulled this-way-and-that.  Also, I also feel stretched when it comes to time and time management. I find that before I go to bed, I plan out what I want to do in the morning so that I get everything done that I like to do in order to start my day off right. Sometimes though, other things pull me away from this ‘plan’ and then my life seems as though it is in a shambles. I am the type of person that does not like random events popping up out of the blue…I like advance notice, I like being able to plan and prepare, that’s why when I was told that I was being evicted in a little less than 2 months, I pretty much lost my head.

 

—As for the next question, there are indeed many times where I would like time to do the things I want to do and in the order in which I want to do them. But life never works that way as there would not be enough hours in the day to get everything done that I am wanting to do. Sometimes it does seem that I am doing more things for others and it takes away from my time to do things for myself. While I do choose to Skype my attraction (I will call her) every night that I have the chance, a part of me wishes I could be playing video-games or even reading a book. I know I Skype her because I miss her and like talking to her (therefore making it my choice to do this) but at the same time, I know she relies on my Skyping her just as much as I rely on my Skyping to keep me sane, make me feel less lonely, and to get that feeling of gratification from being ‘loved’ (I really hope that makes sense).
So while it may seem as though I am taking that time out of my day for my own selfish desires, in a sense I am doing it for her too, and when I do not feel like talking to her, I still do it anyways because I know it is something she wants. I do the same thing when my Mother wants to Skype me or even my sister. Since I have moved so far away, they want to talk with me every time we are online together…but sometimes I would just rather do other things, but still, I take the time out to talk to them because I am more considerate of their wants and needs. Lastly, there are things that I like to do (such as playing certain video games) that are looked down on by people that I care about and love. My obsession with Pokémon is often portrayed as childish and makes me look irresponsible in the eyes of some (no matter how many times I have tried to voice otherwise). It is this negative outlook towards something that enjoy that makes me enjoy it a little less…sometimes when my attraction tells me she hates Pokémon and it is dumb, it makes me never want to play the game again…and when she says it is childish, it makes me feel bad and so I set the game aside until I am feeling better again. While this is just her personal opinion, it still matters a lot to me and I take it to heart; same goes for other things I may like. So oftentimes I will even set aside doing things I want to do merely because other people laugh at it and/or frown upon it.

 

—As far as my responsibilities keeping me from my deepest desires…well, there’s only one example I have. Working here in Germany has been nothing but a pain. The shifts revolving around German laws and customs not only keeps me from getting proper sleep and keeping good eating habits, but it also affects my relationship. I am already three hours or more away from the one I love, and when they deny me weekends and only offer me one a month, this is a hassle. Even when they have a part-time job slot and deny me for this position merely because I am not a mother with a  child, that’s when I start to think that work is hindering my ability to have what I consider to be a totally fulfilled and proper relationship. Still, this is more of a selfish thing and an unwillingness to work because I really despise my job.

But I will say that doing things like running errands, having to keep the flat tidy, and etc. all with a tight work schedule does not allow me a lot of free time, thus denying me that time for my deepest desires to be fulfilled.

 

2.)  How do you feel when you tell someone no?

Does it feel different when they are asking for some minor help rather than major help?

 

—Let me take this question in a different direction for a moment // two days ago (as I might have mentioned earlier), I could have gotten raped. It was a very serious situation in which I was riding a night bus with another man that lived in my same city. We stopped only 2 blocks away from my flat when he looked down the street and basically told me that it was dark, cold, and there were strange people out so he was going to walk me home. Granted, it was a Thursday, I had previously had to deal with several drunkards, and so I agreed that there were many strange folk about, but wither way, I did not want to have him walking with me to my flat.

I tried to turn him down, but he kept insisting. I find that when someone is trying to act sincere and I get to the point of where I would have to seriously run from them to make them go away and/or yell at them, I choose to give in because I don’t want a bad vibe around me, nor do I want the negative attention that I would get after taking such a verbal stance.

Already in Germany I am looked upon as being odd. Where I live, fashion is held above all else and those who dress different or dress odd are avoided and laughed at. People refuse to sit by me on the bus because I come off as odd and foreign…they will choose to stand even when I have the only empty seat beside me.

 

Anyways, this man was walking me home when he started to become rather touchy. I know Europeans to be very touchy anyways as is part of their sociable culture, so I ignored the fact that his hands were on my shoulders. But, when we reached my flat, he asked if he could have a kiss. I told him ‘no’. then he asked for ‘just one’. Again, I told him ‘no’, and then he tried to justify his means of getting a kiss by asking me if I had a boyfriend. Having no one that I am committed to at the moment (not by my choice) I merely told him that I was seeing someone. Still, he asked again for a kiss. I knew I would have to do something because this man had a grip on my wrists, he was not letting go, and he was not drunk. So I leaned in to give him a hug. It was dumb of me…I know that now. He started to try and kiss me, he licked my cheek, licked my chin, and when I opened my mouth to protest, he licked inside my mouth, and it was disgusting and furthermore affirmed that I am indeed a lesbian.  Then he started groping my breasts and etc. I was awful. I tried to pull away and he started asking me for a kiss again…when I told him he had gotten his one kiss, he started screaming about wanting more. Now I literally started to raise my voice and told him I did not want to, and then he cried back,”I don’t understand…you don’t have a boyfriend!”

 

I was not about to get into the concept of loving someone with a Turkish stranger. Still, I was lucky enough to be saved by a woman in my flat who made the man go away after he had started to grunt up a storm and try groping me again. The moral of this story is that I do have a hard time saying ‘no’ and coming off as if I mean it. As I was talking to this man and telling him no, I was laughing nervously and came off as merely being shy and not affirmative of my decision not to kiss him. Even when he offered to take me home, I tried to play the nice route and explain that my house was not far and I could walk myself, rather than merely telling him no. Had I told him no and walked away, and had I been stronger to tell him no and get him off of me with a more forceful tone and action on my part…I would have not been groped and licked—which was rather disgusting.

 

Same thing happens when I help people. When someone asks for my help, I feel like they always need it…even if it is something small or big. I feel like people would not ask for help if it was something they could do themselves at the level and efficiency at which they wanted to do that thing and/or accomplish their task. So when someone wants my help, if I were to say no I feel as though I would be lazy and would get that negative vibe, get that negative remark or look, and in the end I would feel nothing more than ashamed and guilty of not helping that person who was obviously (in my mind) in need of my assistance.

 

I know that I need to learn a better way of judging when to help and when not to help. I know that I need the strength to voice my opinion more often then just abiding by what people want and listening to what others have to say while my own opinions remain in the shadows. This is my weakness, one that I have known about for some time butI do not know how to fix this. So yeah, I feel awful when I have to say ‘no’.

 

Sorry for that awkward and TMI direction 😦

 

3.)  In addition to those questions, I’d like to you look at your life and see if not being selfish enough has contributed to your lack of training, if this is a problem for you.

 

 

—My lack of training comes from too much selfishness and not the other way around. It would seem that my other wants and needs (such as playing Pokémon and running off to Vilseck to see my attraction) is what keeps me from training. Rather than sit down and do a lesson like I used to, I sit down and check facebook, then youtube, then pokepasta, then I moderate all my group pages, then I play some games, and do something else until I have to go to bed. I will admit that my lack of training is honestly laziness on my part…
And while some of it is laziness, some of it is also a lack of direction. Obviously right now I am torn between the light and the darkness. While I share many qualities that I would consider good for a Jedi-Knight-in-Training, I also share the qualities which made me a Sith Lord and still claims me as a Dark Lady. So between the rift in my path, my own self-discovery, and laziness…training tends to take the back-seat here.

 

4.)  The Little Soul & The Sun: Were they new concepts for you? How did you feel as you read them?

—The concepts portrayed in this parable did not seem very new to me. As a former Wiccan I am familiar with the concept of souls, the reincarnation of souls, and the goals of souls to be complete so that they may return to the Divine in light of their perfection. I understand that as a soul our job is to experience all things over multiple lifetimes…this is actually one of the many beliefs I have retained from my Pagan days. Still, as I read this passage I actually just felt like I was reading a happy book, like I was reading someone’s accomplishment and feeling very proud of them and happy for them at the same time.
I really wish that I had some better way of explaining it to you. But these passages did not ring out selfishness to me, they rang out ‘discovery’ to me and ‘truth’ to me more than anything.

 

                In addition to what has been answered here above, I would like to add that while at times I am not selfish enough to take care of my own needs I AM at other times feeling as though I can be too selfish. For example, as I am writing this, I have called in sick to work. This is not the first time I have done this for more selfish reasons. Granted, I plan on taking the overtime to make up for the lost hours, but even with this, I feel guilty and ashamed.
I have been dealing with many stressors as of late, and my depression has hit its worst peak in some time (since I was a child). A lot of this (in part) is due to my relocation to another Country, stressors added to me because of an eviction I am going through, and lastly because of the continuous stress brought about by my love for someone and in trying to build a relationship with this other person.

I feel as though I am taking advantage of Germany’s unlimited sick leave even though I justify my actions by saying that I could easily get fired for behavioral issues and the things I am feeling now could easily be considered as behavioral. Also, I justify this because I feel as though I just need a day for ‘me’. Two days ago I could have gotten raped. It did not happen because someone saw the man and the way he was acting and trying to touch me and they made him go away…but it could have happened, and that has me stressed still because this man lives so close to me. Also, my relationship…I just need a day to sort things out in my head, stop crying and getting frustrated over things that I said out of spite. I need time to relax and think…and work would not provide me that, and 8-hours of shoulder pain and all of these stressors would cause me serious issues.

Lastly, I hate my job…and with all these other negative feelings surrounding me and then being ina  building where others feel the same way about their job—me being an Empath would pick up these other emotions and things could get ugly. I’m not saying I had any excuse to fake being sick, but at the same time, I just knew that I could not make it through today. I know I need to stop missing work. I know that I have a responsibility…but, I also needed just a day to relax and fix thins within myself.

So I ask you…was this right of me or wrong?

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