Feeling Lost

Posted: March 17, 2013 in Asking Advice?, IJRS Courses, Ranting/Venting, SITH-Related

A part of me is feeling rather lost as of late.
I blame this on all sorts of different things as I try and find myself and my path. I guess I should start with the simple stuff and really work my way down to the more difficult situations. I mean, that seems like the more logical thing to do anyways.

…the first thing that has me down is my severe depression. Recently, I made the move to Germany, and it was not at all what I expected. Here I had been saving up money since before August of 2012, and things were so difficult. There was the matter of getting a job transfer, a work contract, all my medical and personal documents, saving the money for passports, vaccinations, and other things needed before traveling. Finally when I had my flight date all planned out, things were supposed to go smoothly.
I already had an apartment set aside for me to rent, had my job contact so I could get my visa. It was all supposed to flow so smoothly so that I could begin my work in no time and begin this new life with my partner.

But…when I got to Germany, that first night I found out that I was homeless. My apartment had been taken back by the landlord, and I had no place to go. I ended up staying at a military base in Ansbach (even though I wasn’t supposed to be there), and that’s where I hit another rut. I thought that staying at the base meant I could get my visa…well, no. I couldn’t. Turns out my job needed more documents from me than what they originally had said…and also, I could not get my visa without a valid address. It was madness. So, back to square one, had to find an apartment near Augsburg…I finally found one in Neusass, and at last, things are finally on track.

I’m currently waiting to hear back about my visa…but…what has me down is the aspect of ‘work’. I know I need to work because I’m out of money. I have been living off of soups and cheap fruits for over a month now and it’s not really healthy. I know I need to work so I can go to places like Rome and the Cinderella Castle with Taz. But, it’s because of work that I will see Taz even less, and I know it’s going to ruin this grand illusion of my moving to Germany even more. Allow me to elaborate.
Since coming to Germany, I have been many places and seen many things. But, vacationing is one thing, whereas living here is something else. Because I am not fluent in the language, I am so out of place and an outcast. I barely have any friends (none that I can hang out with) and I just feel so alone. I hated my job in the States, and I’ll have the same job here in Germany only with a crappier work schedule, less pay, and in a place that I heard was a really bad facility. So naturally, I’m worried. I am glad that I came here to be with Taz…but the majority of me is just ready to come back home with her, back to where things seemed less complicated. Also the fact that I hang in limbo with my visa being approved has me stressed out as well.

Now about my path…

I started the Jedi path a little while ago in 2012. I truly believe I got into it maybe April or May. Still, it was something that I connected with, something I could truly relate to, focus on, and work with as far as a lifestyle and path. But still, there were parts I held conflict with, parts that where I felt that there was something missing (this same thing happened to me when I was Wiccan). So, later in that same year (around October and maybe sooner)…I started looking into the Darker Aspect of The Force. I moved away from Jedi-Realism to look into Sithism instead.

Sithism was not at all as bad as I thought it was going to be. At the Sith Academy, I also found myself drawn in by things that I could relate to and work with. I was moved by Darth Imperius’ vision given to him by Omega and of the prospect of a Dark Side Lamacracy. But, I would never admit it to them at the Academy…I never abandoned the Jedi-way. I just merely started mixing the two aspects together. Forming a Shadow-Jedi of sorts.

Recently though…Sith Academy has started to fall apart. Whereas it used to be a strong school of many members all looking to better themselves in many different areas of study, now, it’s an empty shell of people that can no longer decide what they believe in. My time there has advanced me in Ranks to the title of “Lord” (just one step below Darth which is highest ranking). I have 3 apprentices learning under me…and now, out of the blue, Darth Imperius has come out of his long silence and admitted that we are all…well…basically stupid. The man who is the face and vision of Sith Academy claimed that he lied of his vision, lied of Omega, and said we were all fools for believing in something like The Force because it could not be proven. He said that we needed to be more logical…and he spoke of reaching out to business partners and organizations to make certain technologies available to us, and to move away from a religion to more of a…study group? In one blog post he has basically taken all that we once stood for and pushed it under the rug, smashed us underneath his boot…and I do not like it. I honestly feel like Lord Venger and I are the only ones who truly know what we believe and what direction we are supposed to be heading anymore. And I guess…I guess all this has just had me all confused and full of doubts.

I am Shadow Jedi…
I believe in The Force…both the good and bad aspects…I draw power and wisdom from that grey area in between the light and the dark. I believe this path has made me stronger, wiser, and has enlightened me in many ways and in many things. I still plan on continuing my training at both Sith Academy and IJRS…but still. The fact that I was called foolish…for all my beliefs and the things I have achieved…I’m insulted, I’m hurt. I am bothered and I don’t know why I fear losing those under me. I fear the loss of the Academy as it hold so much promise, so much to give and to teach that it breaks my heart seeing it fall apart like this.

And lastly…I’m hurt because I have led myself down this path, I got too involved with something that is now letting me down to the point where I want to give up on everything and go back to that “Hermit phase” where I felt that I needed not religion or a certain lifestyle in order to lead a happy life.

But no…no…see, therein lies the problem. I know I need something because my heart tells me there is a place where all these things fit in. My heart has always told me that this grey and neutral aspect of The Force is what I need. I guess what I need right now is motivation, encouragement…something.

Something to pull me out of this hole and get me back on track.

Star-Wars-SWTOR-Yin-Yang-2-Color

—Padawan Nyati Grey
—Sith Lord Larken

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Comments
  1. butchjax says:

    Can you really push yourself to answer this: what are you trying to fix? Why did you choose each path? This is something to explore deeply as you journal.

    Next topic, what will it take for you to view your life as an adventure?

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