Troubles of a Broken Mind…

Posted: December 8, 2012 in Asking Advice?, Ranting/Venting

…I just read the passages about knowing your weaknesses and loving them (or loving yourself for them…or however you wish to word that), and while it was comforting in knowing that there are others who acknowledge their limits and take the best actions to protect themselves from a break down…I have bigger things to worry about.

This week has been nothing but one bad thing after another…I’m used to riding this roller-coaster that occasionally goes into the dark tunnel…I understand that it’s all a part of the thrill and that, eventually, the roller-coaster must surface again…but with all the current things that have been happening to me all week, it’s all just becoming a bit much for me to handle, and I feel as though I am falling to pieces.

First, there was the fact that I fell into a really deep depression which started Sunday. I looked at all the things that I had to do during the week (doctor’s appointment, buying stuff for the Consulate trip, making the trip to Chicago for the consulate, hoping that they were going to cancel mandatory overtime and etc.), and just slumped.
At first it started out with my being lazy…I just laid about and all I could think about was getting more sleep. I did not exercise like I planned, never signed up for my Krav Maga lessons like I wanted to, did not get to the storage unit right away…I was just too exhausted to do ANYTHING. Then, came the guilt-tripping myself.

I don’t know what came over me…but the more time that passed in the week, the more I started beating myself up over the dumbest things that had happened in the past. I started crying about the time I took Personal Time off work and wasted it when I could have used it to spend time with Taz. I cried about the time I got my second final written warning because I had wasted a day of work, just to be with Taz, AND it got my friend so mad at me that he verbally attacked Taz, and now, he is practically non-existent in my life because it only causes more drama. Finally I was beating myself up over the fact that I have not saved up as much money as Taz for the Germany trip, and it had me feeling like I was the worst girlfriend in the world.

Then…Taz and I got into a fight. One night we are fine, the next, we are arguing about money, and my moving, because I did not have the exact costs for certain things when I should have already been looking into it. I knew that it was important…but that goes back to the exhaustion, the depression, and that being lazy thing.

Finally, when Taz and I stop fighting, it’s the day that I’m heading to the German Consulate in Chicago to apply for my permanent residency visa. And you want to know what happened? NOTHING!!!

They had never heard of an in Germany, they did not even know where Graben was, they said that my Offer Letter for employment at MUC3 within Graben (which is the warehouse facility—MUC3) did not count as a ‘contract of employment’ because it did not list my salary, it did not list my employment position, it did not list my health benefits, and etc. They said that because I was missing this ‘contract’ that my purpose could not be filled with them and if I tried to apply for my visa anyways, I would be rejected and never be allowed to apply for a visa ever again!!!

They told me I could not start work on February 1st without my residency visa that I can not get now until I arrive in Germany the last couple of week of January!!! In fact, they said that I would have to change my start date to March 1st because it might take weeks for them to review my case because something like my case has never been heard of before. Gah!!!!!

So not only have I spent $800 on a plane ticket, not only do I have a room-for-rent on reserve for me, but, I cannot start working when I had planned, now I have to wait for those people that took 3 months to get back to me to get me a ‘contract of employment’ in less than 6 weeks or else I am officially screwed and will wind up getting deported back to the United States. Not at ALL what I wanted to hear after driving 4 hours just to get there and then dealing with rude-ass Germans that looked at me like I was a complete idiot.

Meditation isn’t helping, sleep isn’t helping, tea isn’t helping, and not even talking to Taz is helping because all it makes me want to do is cry. Advice anyone?!

  1. butchjax says:

    Can we talk tonight? In the meantime stomp out this negative self talk. Tell yourself what you’d tell your best friend or sister in the same situation. Also take things one at a time. Last week sucked. But the future is better. We will work together and get your germany stuff to work out. Don’t worry. Have faith.

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