Speaking of Excuses…

Posted: December 5, 2012 in Asking Advice?, Ranting/Venting

So in a recent Lesson for Personal 101 @ the Institute…the lesson was discussing excuses. Mainly it was focusing on how excuses can pull someone from the Jedi-Path, but it got me to thinking about excuses in general.

Unfortunately, I am the type of person who is always full of excuses. I have been told multiple times by multiple people that this is true. In fact, during fights, it is one of Taz’s favorite things to say: “You’re nothing but one big excuse!” and while I would like to sit there and argue with her (when this happens), I never can because she is actually right to some extent.

On top of using excuses to often justify my rather stupid-decisions, I am also something of a chronic-white-liar. I use white lies to get me out of tricky situations. Like, today….
Today, I took off of work because they were letting people go home. Granted, I should have stayed at work to make money, but I was tired, cranky, and all-around depressed. Before work began (right as I was pulling into the parking lot), I started thinking about my past when Taz was home. I had done something really stupid— It was one of those days where Taz and I were fighting with each other. We weren’t really ‘together’ during this time, but I remember that we had been fighting before work. Because of this, Taz had decided to take her own car to work and I had to take mine (we normally rode together otherwise to cut down on gas costs).

Well, as the night went on (it had only been an hour or so)…I just could not stop crying over what we had been fighting about before work. It was embarrassing me and it made me furious with Taz for having hurt me so deeply and having made me so upset before having to deal with that warehouse. It all just became too much. Well, I had enough Personal Time (PTO) to sign out and go home (paid) for the night. So, I told Taz that I was going home to do laundry (because we had been fighting about the house being dirty methinks) and I left without a second blink.

Well, on lunch time, she called me in a rage, asking me where I was and etc. When I reminded her that I had come home to do laundry, she was infuriated even more. She started screaming and cussing, and all manner of things. When I asked her what the big deal was, she said,”So…instead of using that time to spend on me before I leave, you’re wasting it. Fine, guess I’ll just use up the rest of my time and spend it with my friends while you’re at work.”

And…that’s when it really hit me. I had been so stupid to leave work because…she was right. She was leaving for the Army in less than a year and here I was folding towels just because I didn’t want to have to see her face and deal with her while at work…in fact, it was because I didn’t want to work in such a sorry state. And now I was wasting what precious time we could have had together…we could have taken off our anniversary together if it had not been for what I did. PLUS, that only made her even more angry than what she had been when we had left home, which made for an even longer fight than usual…so all-in-all, it was a mistake on my part, one that (for some odd reason), I still cannot forgive myself for. And because of that, I just wanted to sit in my car and cry.

Earlier that day I had little less than 3 hours sleep because I had stayed up talking to Taz, then I had to go to the doctor’s for my physical, go to the storage unit to look for somethings that were misplaced, I had to head to auto-zone to fix some things on my car, and so…realizing just how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted I was…when my manager asked if anyone wanted to go home because of a lack of work…I signed the sheet and left.

That’s a day I wont get paid…that’s less money I have for Germany, and if Taz found out, she would be so furious with me because it is showing that I am irresponsible. I could have made it through the night. I could have held out even in my crappy mood…and because I was so stupid about taking off a day, I’m paying back for it by taking on voluntary-overtime next week to make my paychecks even (Ungh)…now I have to give up my Thursday JUST because I did not feel like working today.

Then to make matters worse…not only did I make an excuse as to why I shouldn’t work…then I go and make sure to tell Taz that they sent me home because there was nothing to do. Granted, it’s something they do quite often…but today, that wasn’t the case. I just know that if I told her the truth she would think it’s a waste to help me pay my way to Germany. She would think I was using her even though (so far) I have paid for everything I have needed (plane ticket, new laptop, passport) minus the sleeping bag and new shoes. I’m still trying to buy things ahead of time so she wont have to spend her money on me…

She says she doesn’t mind helping me get there and that I can pay her back in loves and cuddles—but throughout our relationship, she has always been so iffy with lending me money or giving me money. She was always complaining about helping me out, and so now, to see her saving up thousands of dollars so that I can live in another country with her…well, it shows how much she has grown up and has changed for the better.

I only wish I could do the same.

It used to be that I was the grown-up girlfriend with the plans, and was always helping HER out, and was always one step above her. Now I just feel inadequate and small…useless…like I’m not good enough for her.

Where the hell are all these hormones coming from?!


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