P101 – L4

Posted: November 27, 2012 in IJRS Courses

Lesson 4 : Weaknesses

 

  Of the four areas mentioned in the lesson (Mind, Body, Spirit, and Emotion), where do you feel the weakest?

Out of the areas listed above, I believe that my weakest would be in my emotion. The deeper emotions within the human body (anger and sadness) often have a very bad influence on me and on my behavior towards myself and towards others. As far as the other things listed above…body would have to come next.
While often I try and keep myself decently fit (so that I am not obese and I am not putting my body in any sort of danger), there are still times where I realize I could be doing more for myself, to better myself physically, so as to not upset my emotions over things I cannot seem to do because of physical limitations and difficulty.
Spirit would have to come thirdly because of my wavering ambition to become closer to something larger and more powerful than myself (and the way I waver in trying to believe such a thing could make me a better person).

 Which do you spend the least amount of focus on?

—The mind would come last (and wouldn’t be mentioned as a weakness at all) out of all of the things I could be weak with, simply because I know that as a person, I am forever learning something new with each day that rolls around. There is always something new and fascinating to experience and think upon so I never see myself hindered due to lack of knowledge.
I honestly have never been disappointed with myself and/or upset because there was something I did not know and/or did not have the knowledge of it. Honestly, unless someone brings it to my attention that there are things I am not-so-smart-in…I never really care or let it worry me.

 

In times of difficulty, which areas have contributed to that difficulty?

As mentioned above, the things that would have to grieve me the most and cause the most difficulty would be issues with the body and with my emotions. My emotions (I feel) make me vulnerable, thus making me weak. Something similar with my body. When there are things I cannot do (like keeping up with Taz when she is running or not being able to do more than 3 push-ups), it makes me feel small, frail, and insignificant. It makes me feel weak, and I hate that feeling.
When I am feeling fat or weak, then it flares up my emotions…and when my emotions flair (whether it be with sadness, anger, or both) that usually causes problems for me, and it also affects the people around me in negative ways as well. My emotions can run pretty deep and get rather intense. When they hit those areas of high intensity…sometimes I just cannot control myself, and I have a bad habit of making un-wise decisions.

 Did your emotions create volatile situations?  Has your health hindered you from success?  Have you struggled with academics?   

I have never struggled with academics. In fact, I was a good college student (while I was going), and while in high school, I was ranked 187 out of 350 students, was in the National Honor Society, National Society of High School Scholars, was President for my Homeroom, did a lot of other small organizations (Link Crew & Student Council), and finally got accepted into an all-girls College on scholarships and grants.


Physically…it’s not that I ‘never’ succeeded in doing something because of my physical limitations (due to weight and lack of exercise), but it’s more or less things I made excuses to NOT do because I did not want to exercise, I do not like to exercise, and I was fine with my weight as long as other people were fine with it too.  I never became a Marine because I gained all the weight back that I had worked so hard to drop while in high school…I just did not want to put in all that effort again because at that time, I was in a very dark place. Even now, I weigh 160 pounds. I am fine with the notion of never being truly skinny…because I find that I am beautiful otherwise. But, sometimes my girlfriend will drop hints (when she does not openly say) that it would not hurt for me to be a little skinnier. That’s when it hurts…that’s the only time when I feel like I am truly fat, and then I hate myself for being so lazy and being this way. Otherwise, I am generally fine being just the way I am.


And I do not know where to even start when it comes to my emotions…
I guess another example and/or examples would all have to go back to my relationship with Taz as well. Taz has a temper, and her emotions flair out of control, and she often says really stupid and hurtful things just because she is angry and has no other way to express her emotions (she doesn’t know how). I was the same way when I was younger and was still being abused at one of my parents house. Anger was the only way I knew how to deal with my emotions because taking out frustrations on someone else made me feel like I was in control…that I had all the power and therefore that cured me of feeling weak…at least…for a short while.

But, as I grew older…I became more patient and realized how much doing that hurt people…how it hurt all the wrong people, and that even if it was towards the person hurting you, revenge is never the answer for anything, and all it does is spread hate. But, because I was never truly taught how to cope with my emotions…when my patience breaks, and those walls wear thin…sometimes I get angry again, and when I do not get angry…I get so frustrated at not being able to lash out that I sit in the middle of the floor, I scream, I cry…then I find somewhere away from the conflict and I hide away until I feel better.

But when I get angry…and even when I’m sad, I am often prone to make really stupid decisions (moreso than normal). Looking back at my relationship with Taz, there are still so many areas of our time together that I regret numerous actions that I took because I was being so heavily influenced by my emotions. There were times where she was trying to explain something, but I assumed the point she was trying to get at and I lashed at her for it before she had time to explain…and then she wanted to break up. There were other times where I immediately went on the offensive over something because she had made hints at something so small and stupid, and then I would lash out at her…she never deserved that. Then, there were other times when I would never let her finish talking…even though she was trying to explain her feelings rather than fight…so much could have been avoided if I would have just settled down and been more calm. And finally there is the fact that I like to push her buttons. When Taz is mad…you’re supposed to just leave her alone, let her take a nap and sort things out in her head…because when she feels better she will talk it out like an adult. But, I never let her have that time alone. I go on the defensive when she starts spewing hurtful words at me. I scream and cry and get up in her face. I try to force her to talk to me, beg her not to be mad at me and forgive me…finally I apologize for things I shouldn’t apologize for, tell her to forgive me some more, and then keep her awake with my frantic sobbing until she gets so sick of me that she locks herself in another room.

That’s why my being an emotional intuitive made so much sense…when certain things get really heated up, these waves of emotions hit me, and I can never keep them under control. My body is this bomb of turmoil and emotional chaos just ready to explode at all times, and that, to me, is one of the greatest weaknesses of all time. And the thing is…I used to blame it all on my ex. I used to say that it was after her that I became so weak and emotionally fragile…but I have realized over the years that, that’s not the case. I was always this way…I have just found different ways to channel these emotions to keep me from becoming violent like the person that used to hit me all those years ago.

Wow…went on a rant there. Sorry.

Focus on what you consider your greatest weakness.  Do you feel this is an area you can strengthen?

My emotions are tricky…and while sometimes I have been able to keep them under control. I know that I also have a long way to go in order to fix this ‘problem’ of mine. Sometimes I give Taz her space…but it’s not without consequences on my body and on my mind. Sometimes I can remain clam and can avoid fights…but more times than not, I actually just make a situation worse by poor choice of words, yelling, screaming, crying, and doing other things that cause conflict when my emotions start flaring up and getting out of control again. My emotions and the fact that I want to improve upon this weakness and try and abolish it…that’s the reason I’m here taking these lessons. I was control over my self…over my inner conflicts so that I can help others with their conflicts.

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