Finding my Intuitive Self // First Meditation

Posted: September 15, 2012 in IJRS Courses, Meditation

Lighthouse Meditiation for Emotional Inuitives

Today my Introductory course took me through some of the ‘beginning’ points for “Force 101”.
I was kinda distressed at first to see that I had been reading for so long but had not gotten very far through the first workbook.

Anyways, I got as far as to discover my ‘intuitive-self’.
There are four different types of intuition (as described in Force 101):

  1. The Emotional Inuitive
  2. The Mental Intuitive
  3. The Spiritual Intuitive
    and the:
  4. The Physical Intuitive

The Emotional Intuitive (I scored a 55) feels energy and is naturally empathetic, they may pick up on or receive powerful emotions that seem to come from nowhere.

The Mental Intuitive (I scored a 45) knows, thinks, and sees systems and patterns. They tend to do well with telepathy and clairvoyance.

The Spiritual Intuitive (I scored a 35) may have visions, see images, and sense the presence of ghosts, spirits, and etc.

The Physical Intuitive (I scored a 33) interprets psychic energy through their bodily impressions (gut feeling) or through physical impressions.

To see that I had scored highest as an Emotional Intuitive did not surprise me. If anything, I already had a hunch that my emotional side would dominate all other intuitions, and sure enough, it’s very clear that I know myself and how I function.
For example…Emotional Intuitives are very sensitive people that desire love, connection, passion, and the overall pleasure they get from helping others. In fact, an emotional intuitive will go out of their way to help a complete strange before he/she makes time to help themselves.
Because of this, emotional intuitives are prone to suffer from allergies, chronic fatigue/tiredness, adrenal exhaustion, PMS, and ovary/uterine problems.

I don’t know…it’s like that feeling you get when you’re reading a horoscope and you get so excited because you’re like,”Omigod…that’s EXACTLY what I’m like, weeeeee!!!” but at the same time, you know that behind a horoscope there is a formula that applies to a broad-range of people in order for it to seem magically true, so in the end you’re wondering whether all of it is real or not…
That’s kinda how I feel.

Granted, I suffer from ovarian cysts…I’m not too bad with allergies, but I have a sever case of insomnia. When I set out to do something, I will find any excuse NOT to sleep, and even when I DO sleep, it feels as though there is no way to recharge that internal battery of mine. Not to the full 100%…and half the time I’m lucky to be working on a 75% charge.

Then there’s is my deep desire to help others. There has been more than once when my good friend Byron has looked at me, grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me while yelling,“You can not fix everybody!!! Why don’t you focus on yourself for once?!”
And it’s true….
As a person, I generally feel as though I have no self worth. Any worth that I have is earned through the good deeds that I perform in order to make others happy, healthy, and hearty. It’s like I always tells Taz: “I’m happy if you’re happy.”, because that’s the whole truth!!! When others are smiling and laughing, I am smiling and laughing because I can hear their hearts sing and it shows me that I have done something good for the world, and therefore it makes me proud of myself.

And when it comes to love, passion, and connection…well it’s obvious that my NEED for those things have almost reached a point of OBSESSION. I love to be loved…yup, it’s true. You know, when Taz and I would be fighting, and things would not be going as planned, Byron would have me sit in his car…and he would ask me: “What would you do if Taz left you?”
And while I never had a true answer to this question, sometimes I would tell him that I would try and win her back…and if that did not work and she finally moved on, then I too would have no choice but to move on.
“But, how about you not move on…and just enjoy life by yourself?” he would try and counter.

That’s when I would start to get angry with him…
Because to me, there would not be any enjoyment to life without someone to share the adventure with, without having that person in which to help you chronicle your adventures and laugh about them later. I told Byron that my goals in life were simple: “I want to be loved. I want someone who will love me forever, help me work towards that country home, help me raise a family, and then that same person to grow old with me and die with me.” pretty stereotypical…but it’s the one and only thing that I have truly desired since I was capable of intelligent thought(s).
I have always been addicted to love…and the only thing(s) that have changed over the years is how I show that love to others. When I was still with my ex-fiance, well, her and I never met in person. My love was shown to her through expensive gifts, poetry, short-stories, drawings, and videos. Now with Taz (my partner of 3 years) my love has been able to manifest itself in a more physical manner…so while all the things listed above still happen (notes, poetry, drawings, gifts, and etc)…there is also the passion of love-making, cuddling, kissing, simple pleasure such as hugs and holding hands, things that make me whole and complete…things that make me feel lost and alone when there is a lack of attention or interaction.

And finally…the mood swings.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in all my emotions (not that all of them are mine…now that I have read more into it) that all I can do is sit in the middle of my floor and cry! I cry because it’s the only thing I can do…and even though that doesnt solve the problem, it’s the only way for me to show that I am feeling too many emotions to even begin to fix whatever is causing this sudden flow of energies. It drives Taz nuts!!! It’s like one moment I’m happy, and the next moment I am sobbing uncontrollably because I feel happy, but angry, yet annoyed, and slightly sad…but i want to laugh at myself for being so stupid, and it all has me feeling like a mental case.
But according to the text, and emotional intuitive must NOT define themselves by what they are feeling.

The ultimate goal of an emotional intuitive is to achieve heart-centered clarity and clear awareness which I ultimately put together as:
” Clear Awareness is being able to differentiate between the emotions that are your own and the emotions of others—then releasing the emotions/energies you do not need to create harmony and balance within yourself // to accept the emotions you intuit without becoming overwhelmed or negatively impacted by them.”

That’s the only way I seem to understand it.


Then I got to move on to the first meditation in the course: The Lighthouse.
It was an interesting little bit where you laid in a position for 20-30 minutes and tried to relax while releasing tension and stress from your body.

This was the first meditation that I have done since high school, and it was amazing to me that I did not fall asleep. But instead, I became lost in this wondrous world. As the voice spoke in my speakers, I did as I was told…i walked along the beach, felt the sand at my toes, smelled the salty air, and drifted off to a state of well-being. But, I was not myself in this ‘dream’.
No…I was older…I had aged like my Mother and had that look of that confident woman that had no regrets in her life and would never have any for as long as she might live.

For some odd reason…I felt as though, this was a moment I had been waiting for, for a long time. I felt as though I was proud of myself because I had finally accomplished something great, something that made my heart whole, something that I could die at that very moment and still feel as though my life was complete and without unfinished business. It was…strange.

The meditation went deeper  and started discussing the “storm of negative emotions”…but the older me…my older self, she looked at this storm and smiled…I felt like, even though the storm was so close that I knew that it could never touch me. And when the voice spoke about how the light of the lighthouse was battling the storm away with it’s brilliant light…suddenly my older self in the dream…she was glowing. She was glowing JUST like the lighthouse!!! SHE WAS THE LIGHT!!!
The clouds when from grey to white…then disappeared revealing the moon across the calm and still surface of the ocean. Then I came to…and I felt warm, fuzzy….

I felt like I had a light inside my belly (I know that sounds weird…but that’s the only way to describe it) and that, that light had spread it’s warmth all over, easing every ache, every pain, every tension.

I think I might repeat this exercise a few more times this weekend and try different environments and settings. I might even try it with my friends? Just to see what they get?
I never did get that Divine vision though…think that disappointed me a bit.

That’s all I have to report for today.

  1. butchjax says:

    Self worth is a critical element of self. It’s a good thing to want other people to be happy. But you cannot depend on others for your happiness. That puts you at everyone else’s mercy. It’s what keeps people in abusive relationships. And leads to unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. Work on self love. We’ll work on it in Personal 101 as well, but think about the things you won’t allow yourself to love about yourself. Ask yourself why you won’t accept them, or haven’t at this point at least. And then ask yourself if you would accept those in someone you loved. Why would you draw that line? Why love another but not yourself?

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